YouSaid · the spoken record

Gavin de Becker

lines on the record: 37
first: 2022-10-04
most recent: 2022-10-04
sittings or episodes: 1
sources: podcast

Every line below is reproduced as it was said and linked to the record it came from. Nothing here is summarised or generated. Directory · Search · Corrections

“A relationship that's violent is not good for anybody present. And as a young girl sees her mother receive those blows, so is she likely to in 25 years. And as a young boy sees the father deliver those blows, so is he likely to.”
2022-10-04 · The Oprah Winfrey Show: The Podcast · "Stay Alive" Expert Gavin de Becker Unveils The New Tool To Keep You Safe · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“I don't own my kids and the culture says that it's about property, so she doesn't have the freedom when she's married she's led to believe.”
2022-10-04 · The Oprah Winfrey Show: The Podcast · "Stay Alive" Expert Gavin de Becker Unveils The New Tool To Keep You Safe · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“I had a case recently that I looked at involving a man who, a 24 year old who had sex with a 17-year-old girl, she was just about to turn 18. He's going to do 28 years in prison for that. If she was 18, no crime. Do you know why? No crime, because when you're 18, you don't belong to your father anymore. Your own property All about property. I'm not saying marriage is bad. It's great. I'm married. I like it. It's fine. But I don't own my wife.”
2022-10-04 · The Oprah Winfrey Show: The Podcast · "Stay Alive" Expert Gavin de Becker Unveils The New Tool To Keep You Safe · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“When you've been beaten for four or five years. In fact, I often say that the first time a woman is beaten, she is a victim, and the second time she is a volunteer. That's a very controversial thing for some people because they think I'm blaming the victim. But what I'm actually doing is saying, if you don't recognize that staying in that relationship is a choice, you'll never recognize that leaving the relationship is a choice. First time a victim, second time a volunteer. And so staying in a relationship for a long time is the number one thing that people can do differently. But a lot of people believe the history of marriage has to do with property, right? The woman becomes the man's property.”
2022-10-04 · The Oprah Winfrey Show: The Podcast · "Stay Alive" Expert Gavin de Becker Unveils The New Tool To Keep You Safe · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“I think the biggest thing, and you're saying once you're in the situation, because of course there's what you could do on the wedding day. And by the way, at those times, the men are usually less invested emotionally. It's much easier to end a relationship early than it is to end it later on because of that emotional investment. By the time you...”
2022-10-04 · The Oprah Winfrey Show: The Podcast · "Stay Alive" Expert Gavin de Becker Unveils The New Tool To Keep You Safe · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“About intuition and about, and people often use instinct and intuition interchangeably, but about intuition and about learning to respect that you and your opinion is as valid as him and his opinion. And it's a big one because it's not taught in the culture very much.”
2022-10-04 · The Oprah Winfrey Show: The Podcast · "Stay Alive" Expert Gavin de Becker Unveils The New Tool To Keep You Safe · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“In cases where men don't let go and persist in stalking and what have you, there are situations where women relocate. It is like the witness protection program. There are situations where they move to other states. There are so many extreme answers, but we try to look for the simpler answers when we're in these situations. I don't want to leave my job. It's not fair. I tell people all the time, it's not fair. It has nothing to do with fairness. It has to do with safety. Main thing is they're complicated. They're not simple once you've got kids. The best thing is... Identifying these warning signs before you get into relationships and before you get kids when it's possible.”
2022-10-04 · The Oprah Winfrey Show: The Podcast · "Stay Alive" Expert Gavin de Becker Unveils The New Tool To Keep You Safe · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Well, as always, the message of listening to your intuition again and again, we learn that being out of a relationship, particularly if there's custody and children, you're not really out of it. You're just out of it on paper. And getting truly out of it takes a lot of work and a lot of effort and you can't do it alone.”
2022-10-04 · The Oprah Winfrey Show: The Podcast · "Stay Alive" Expert Gavin de Becker Unveils The New Tool To Keep You Safe · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“OK, so after interviewing Mr. Larson over six hours interrogation, which was pretty much a begging and pleading session on my part. Because you were begging him to tell you words. Begging and pleading. Begging pleading. We knew she was badly injured. We knew it was very urgent. We find her. He wouldn't tell us.”
2022-10-04 · The Oprah Winfrey Show: The Podcast · "Stay Alive" Expert Gavin de Becker Unveils The New Tool To Keep You Safe · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“There's a woman I interviewed, and she told me her whole story, and she said, I think I might be killed. And I said, well, you've got a teenage daughter. What would you tell your teenage daughter in the same circumstance? And she'd say, you have to get out of the relationship. And I said, well, what's the difference between you and your teenage daughter? She couldn't answer. And I said to her, the difference is that your teenage daughter has you and you don't have you. She'd lost herself so much.”
2022-10-04 · The Oprah Winfrey Show: The Podcast · "Stay Alive" Expert Gavin de Becker Unveils The New Tool To Keep You Safe · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Is the most important thing, and also to realize that if a relationship is violent and difficult to stay in, it is also going to be violent and difficult to get out. And that leverage is often used by men to keep women in, the obvious one being, as she was told and most are, I'll kill you if you leave. And so that sticks. And at that point, it takes all the more resolve to get help, but it's this remembering that you can't do it alone and you don't have to do it alone that's important.”
2022-10-04 · The Oprah Winfrey Show: The Podcast · "Stay Alive" Expert Gavin de Becker Unveils The New Tool To Keep You Safe · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“It's the toughest question. It's the toughest one, and why it takes so much courage to get out of a relationship that's violent because you are concerned about your safety, the kids' safety, and then all the other issues like support and what have you. The best answer that I have is you cannot do it alone. And you have no reason to do it alone, which gets back to www.thehotline.org and the National Domestic Violence Hotline and your local battered women's shelter because there is no other way to develop all that you'd have to do. It's like going into the witness protection program. There are so many parts to an escape plan.”
2022-10-04 · The Oprah Winfrey Show: The Podcast · "Stay Alive" Expert Gavin de Becker Unveils The New Tool To Keep You Safe · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“He's picked up, and he's a real matter of fact. He's a very articulate person, doesn't understand what's going on. They explain to him there's an amber alert, where's your wife, where's your kids? Why just drop my children off to a girlfriend's house, and he hasn't seen Terry since, I think it was the Wednesday prior. Real matter of fact. Real matter of fact. So they take him into custody and they bring him to the Willing Police Department where I went and interviewed him with a partner of mine.”
2022-10-04 · The Oprah Winfrey Show: The Podcast · "Stay Alive" Expert Gavin de Becker Unveils The New Tool To Keep You Safe · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“So now our deputies get there and they make forced entry into the home and they start making some observations. They see there's signs of a struggle. They can see some blood. Clearly something bad happened there. Interview of neighbors. One of the neighbors reported seeing Terry's vehicle being towed on the back of the truck. So now the suspicions are obviously being rose. The embryo alert is put out. And essentially he's picked up at his place of employment right after he dropped Terry off.”
2022-10-04 · The Oprah Winfrey Show: The Podcast · "Stay Alive" Expert Gavin de Becker Unveils The New Tool To Keep You Safe · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“An Amber alert that was put out For her, it's important to understand that rescue call that Terry described at her house at first 911 call was a call for a woman who had difficulty breathing. Our squads were dispatched there, and that was the sirens you heard. We didn't know at that time that she was in the back of a car. We didn't know at the time of a vehicle description. We didn't know that till much later.”
2022-10-04 · The Oprah Winfrey Show: The Podcast · "Stay Alive" Expert Gavin de Becker Unveils The New Tool To Keep You Safe · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Well, control, complete control is a lot of attention. It takes a lot of attention. And we're brought up to think attention equals love. Control doesn't equal love.”
2022-10-04 · The Oprah Winfrey Show: The Podcast · "Stay Alive" Expert Gavin de Becker Unveils The New Tool To Keep You Safe · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Battered women's shelter, if you believe that you're really in a situation where violence is going to continue, battered women's shelter is the best help you can get because they know about the escape plan. They know what to do with the kids. They know what to do with the pets. They know what to do with the bank account. One other fast thing I want to note is that we hear a lot of times that I was hit and people say, is that a clue? Being hit is not a clue. It is the end of the mystery. Being hit is conclusive. It's over. The assessment is done. Being hit doesn't work in relationships. And it usually doesn't get better. Very few relationships, very few. And some people in this room may be included where you remember that he hit me one time at the beginning of the relationship and he never did again. That's a rare circumstance. It happens, but it's a rare circumstance. But most of all, I want to say you cannot do it alone. You can't get out of a violent relationship on your own and you don't have to.”
2022-10-04 · The Oprah Winfrey Show: The Podcast · "Stay Alive" Expert Gavin de Becker Unveils The New Tool To Keep You Safe · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“And the good news is you don't have to. There are resources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline, which is the hotline.org, www.thehotline.org. And there are resources like Battered Women's Shelters in your community. And a lot of women think, well, I'm not going to a Battered Women's Shelter. That's the last thing I want to do. Well, sometimes it is the last thing a person wants to do. It's a little like an emergency room. I don't want to go, but I'm having a heart attack. Take me there right now. I want to go.”
2022-10-04 · The Oprah Winfrey Show: The Podcast · "Stay Alive" Expert Gavin de Becker Unveils The New Tool To Keep You Safe · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“It's the toughest question, and it's not something it doesn't lend itself to a magazine article or a television show to say, here are the prescriptions for what to do. It's like you have cancer and we can't say here are the ten things to do. There's going to be a road to go down. The biggest message that I can share is you cannot do it entirely alone.”
2022-10-04 · The Oprah Winfrey Show: The Podcast · "Stay Alive" Expert Gavin de Becker Unveils The New Tool To Keep You Safe · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Overwhelmingly, about 77% of the time separated the plan. That's why you need help. Because separation, estrangement, that's the time that the homicides happen.”
2022-10-04 · The Oprah Winfrey Show: The Podcast · "Stay Alive" Expert Gavin de Becker Unveils The New Tool To Keep You Safe · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“You can see that all your first ideas were the ones. So it comes up into your mind, which is a total gift, these ideas, these plans, and then we start to debate and prosecute our own ideas and go through this process that lets us stay in situations we don't want to be in.”
2022-10-04 · The Oprah Winfrey Show: The Podcast · "Stay Alive" Expert Gavin de Becker Unveils The New Tool To Keep You Safe · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“It's the why. It's all in the why. If you say, I don't know if I'm ready, I don't know if I want to be in a marriage. I don't know if I, that's a different animal from I have fear. I have fear of this person. I tell you there is no circumstance in which a marriage, which is about a union. There's no role for fear in that. There's no place for it. And so fear is the real indicator there. The other thing is that what I talked about earlier, he accelerated the pace so profoundly. She gets to a place, you see on that tape where she says, well, he was so persistent and he wanted it so much, and so I had to do it. Message today is, you don't have to do it”
2022-10-04 · The Oprah Winfrey Show: The Podcast · "Stay Alive" Expert Gavin de Becker Unveils The New Tool To Keep You Safe · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“And it's not typical for a father to say at a wedding date, hey, we can get out the back door here if you want to. And that is a hard time to make a decision to turn around, no doubt about it. Weddings carry all their own pressure. The obvious one.”
2022-10-04 · The Oprah Winfrey Show: The Podcast · "Stay Alive" Expert Gavin de Becker Unveils The New Tool To Keep You Safe · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“One thing is you said being the type of person I am, it's being the type of person I was. Because I know you're not that person now. No, I'm not. You spent a lot of time together and you've got the courage to do all that you're doing in teaching other people, etc. Warning signs there. One is the intuitive feeling that things are not right. So intuition always pays off and you had quite a bit of it. You had the feeling that things aren't right. One means or another, you'd express things to your family.”
2022-10-04 · The Oprah Winfrey Show: The Podcast · "Stay Alive" Expert Gavin de Becker Unveils The New Tool To Keep You Safe · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Well, it is. It was the most, it's chilling, and it'll even sound macabre, but the reality is that we studied thousands of cases where women are killed, and then we reverse engineered to see the features of those cases. But I never got to interview somebody who basically was killed. And she was injured enough to end life. She was left in that circumstance, freezing, and only because of medical intervention and some great police work was she found after 20-some-odd hours in that trash can.”
2022-10-04 · The Oprah Winfrey Show: The Podcast · "Stay Alive" Expert Gavin de Becker Unveils The New Tool To Keep You Safe · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Mosaic expresses its results on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the most likely to escalate, including homicide, and hers was 9 on a scale of 1 to 10. The only reason it wasn't 10 is that he did not abuse alcohol. If you'd added that one factor, which is a serious factor in cases, you'd have 10 on a scale of 1 to 10.”
2022-10-04 · The Oprah Winfrey Show: The Podcast · "Stay Alive" Expert Gavin de Becker Unveils The New Tool To Keep You Safe · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“What we'll do here is actually do the assessment, taking the individual factors one by one. I'll ask you questions. First question I've got is we'll go back to before the most violent incidents. We were both maintaining separate residences?”
2022-10-04 · The Oprah Winfrey Show: The Podcast · "Stay Alive" Expert Gavin de Becker Unveils The New Tool To Keep You Safe · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Right, let's start the negotiation and you apply your pressure, you apply your persistence, you apply your strategy, you apply your control, it's going to work.”
2022-10-04 · The Oprah Winfrey Show: The Podcast · "Stay Alive" Expert Gavin de Becker Unveils The New Tool To Keep You Safe · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“And there's a part of this that's cultural as well. We've talked about it in the past, and it's so powerful for people to remember, that is that the word no is different for men and women. When a man says no, it is the end of a discussion. When a woman says no, it is the beginning of a negotiation. It's the beginning of, he said, no, I'd rather not have a drink. Oh, come on, just have one drink. We'll just head over here. And a woman who buckles there. At that point, this is really early in the relationship is likely to. I see you doing that. That's right, it continues like that, is likely to buckle again and again and again. And he learns that when you say no, I don't mean”
2022-10-04 · The Oprah Winfrey Show: The Podcast · "Stay Alive" Expert Gavin de Becker Unveils The New Tool To Keep You Safe · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Anybody who doesn't hear the word no is trying to control you. That might be a salesperson in a department store who says, Do you want some help? No thanks. I'm okay. I'll look myself. No, no, let me show you. No. No.”
2022-10-04 · The Oprah Winfrey Show: The Podcast · "Stay Alive" Expert Gavin de Becker Unveils The New Tool To Keep You Safe · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Another one is persistence. You know, persistence is overrated in America. We're told if you just stay with it. I think people have confused persistence with perseverance. Perseverance, great. Okay, you worked hard. You get to this place. That's one thing. But persistence where you keep at something over and over again, I think the message is that persistence does not mean you are special. Persistence means he is troubled. What do most women do with persistence is they say, well, he calls me so often, he writes to me so often. He's always talking about me. He's always getting me gifts. Yeah, as you'll hear us today, gifts like a car that he owns, that he controls, that he's got the navigation system on, gifts like a phone, that he can tell where you are, that he can always reach you, that you really can.”
2022-10-04 · The Oprah Winfrey Show: The Podcast · "Stay Alive" Expert Gavin de Becker Unveils The New Tool To Keep You Safe · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“One is something called symbolic violence, and symbolic violence is the destruction of tearing up wedding pictures. You come home in the wedding gown is torn up. That's symbolic violence. Another one is the pace of the relationship at the beginning. You go back to when it was still good. And I ask women, what was the pace of the relationship? Did he put on the agenda early such things as let's get married, let's have kids, let's live together, let's move in together. When the pace is accelerated like that in the beginning, that is itself a control strategy. And women feel uncomfortable. And they'll tell you, yeah, I felt it was a little bit fast, but what could I do? He loves me.”
2022-10-04 · The Oprah Winfrey Show: The Podcast · "Stay Alive" Expert Gavin de Becker Unveils The New Tool To Keep You Safe · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“It's okay. When that's only one of the many pre-incident indicators, one of the many behaviors that indicate that violence is likely to escalate, possibly even to homicide. There's a whole bunch of other factors other than just hitting.”
2022-10-04 · The Oprah Winfrey Show: The Podcast · "Stay Alive" Expert Gavin de Becker Unveils The New Tool To Keep You Safe · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Yes, and particularly women. When you look at the 3,100 odd women who are killed each year in America, the majority of those are by husband or boyfriend.”
2022-10-04 · The Oprah Winfrey Show: The Podcast · "Stay Alive" Expert Gavin de Becker Unveils The New Tool To Keep You Safe · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“And so this method we had, which was so fantastic and was getting better and better suddenly became something that women could do even over the internet, where we are now”
2022-10-04 · The Oprah Winfrey Show: The Podcast · "Stay Alive" Expert Gavin de Becker Unveils The New Tool To Keep You Safe · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Right, it takes the factors of a situation and breaks them down and then sees all these pieces of the puzzle and puts it back together in a way that Indeed, in a way that in a domestic violence situation, a woman can see the picture for the first time. Because so many times, let's say a woman is interviewed by a police officer in a domestic violence situation and they'll ask questions and she'll say, yes, he hits me sometimes, but only when he drinks, or yes, he's such and such. But only when it's hard at work. With mosaic, there is no way to back away from the issues. You answer the issues one by one. And the early mosaics were made for, we did one for the U.S. Supreme Court to assess threats to justices. We did one for the U.S. Capitol Police for Congressmen. The CIA uses it. All kinds of people use it. And suddenly it hit me. These people are not getting attacked very often. And it was around the time we did the gift of fear show with you that I saw that strategy ought to be made available to women because there's a woman in America killed every four hours by a husband or boyfriend.”
2022-10-04 · The Oprah Winfrey Show: The Podcast · "Stay Alive" Expert Gavin de Becker Unveils The New Tool To Keep You Safe · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“It is. People to save themselves. I said if I was hit by a bus tomorrow, hoping not to be, that this would be the thing that I have done that I'm most proud of because it takes its artificial intuition, basically.”
2022-10-04 · The Oprah Winfrey Show: The Podcast · "Stay Alive" Expert Gavin de Becker Unveils The New Tool To Keep You Safe · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source