YouSaid · the spoken record

Ramani Durvasula

lines on the record: 23
first: 2025-05-23
most recent: 2025-05-23
sittings or episodes: 1
sources: podcast

Every line below is reproduced as it was said and linked to the record it came from. Nothing here is summarised or generated. Directory · Search · Corrections

“But when I've been gaslighted by narcissistic people, Just disengage and I file it away and say this person is capable of this there's really not much juice here. This can only go so deep.”
2025-05-23 · The Diary of a CEO · Most Replayed Moment: How to Know If You're Being Gaslit by a Narcissist And What to Do About It: Dr Ramani Durvasula · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And I'm thinking, not me. Like, I don't know much, but I know this. So don't, but they did. I was. And I got very upset. And in this particular situation, it was actually, I understand why I got, it was like, think of it as a corporate structure that was gaslighting me. So sometimes very nice people who work in corporate systems gaslight because they're trying to prop up the narcissism of the corporation, but they're decent human beings. It was very clear to me. I've seen that happen. But in this particular case, I was being gaslighted. I got upset, though, knowing all I know, knowing all the tactics, it's very dehumanizing to have your reality completely doubted. And so I did feel a sense of upset, but I confronted the person. I said, this is gaslighting and it's not okay. And I know you're better than this. And they happen to be. This was a lucky case with the gaslighter was not narcissistic. So we came to a conclusion.”
2025-05-23 · The Diary of a CEO · Most Replayed Moment: How to Know If You're Being Gaslit by a Narcissist And What to Do About It: Dr Ramani Durvasula · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Don't go down the slope. Don't say, don't show them the text message. Don't pull out the email. Don't try to prove them wrong. Don't engage with them. It's funny you're asking me this because I was recently gaslighted relatively recently in a professional situation.”
2025-05-23 · The Diary of a CEO · Most Replayed Moment: How to Know If You're Being Gaslit by a Narcissist And What to Do About It: Dr Ramani Durvasula · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yeah, it's almost like they're going to pull you down into being drowned or pull you into the quicksand. So when they start gaslighting, I never said that. One playback could be We're having a different experience then and leave it at that.”
2025-05-23 · The Diary of a CEO · Most Replayed Moment: How to Know If You're Being Gaslit by a Narcissist And What to Do About It: Dr Ramani Durvasula · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“When you know what it is and someone starts to gaslight you, they literally deny your reality, right? You have to take a step back and say, that's not what happened, but you don't say it to them. The importance with gaslighting, you don't engage with the gaslighter. You now know you're being gaslighted, which means. Other person in that interaction has the capacity to gaslight you. So what that means is from your side, you need to shut it down. And that means no longer engaging. Does that make so-called”
2025-05-23 · The Diary of a CEO · Most Replayed Moment: How to Know If You're Being Gaslit by a Narcissist And What to Do About It: Dr Ramani Durvasula · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“All the time all the time it is the dynamic that once it had named to it when the word is used right most people use this word wrong that whole process I described is gaslighting. When the word is used correctly it's powerful. It captures a unique interpersonal dynamic that really eats people from the inside. I hear it. I see it all the time by family members, by partners in the workplace, you name it. And it really messes people up because they feel like they've lost their minds and they feel like they can't trust themselves. And I think that's a terrible thing to do to someone.”
2025-05-23 · The Diary of a CEO · Most Replayed Moment: How to Know If You're Being Gaslit by a Narcissist And What to Do About It: Dr Ramani Durvasula · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“The narcissistic personal deny said that's not true. I came, yeah, I didn't get home at nine, but I didn't come home at any one in the morning. But again, like, what is your problem? Like, what do you do? Like, you read the ADT guide all day to see what time I come in the door. And you know what? Like, I can't believe that this is my life. I work so hard to keep us in this fabulous house. I work so hard so you can stay home. And I am the bad guy? Like, I can't even believe that this is the issue. Like, you put me through so much. Reverse victim and offender He was out till one in the morning, and he knows it. But now he shut down the conversation. It is an insidious dynamic, because done enough, you literally strip another person of the reality, and that is unacceptable. That's absolute abuse.”
2025-05-23 · The Diary of a CEO · Most Replayed Moment: How to Know If You're Being Gaslit by a Narcissist And What to Do About It: Dr Ramani Durvasula · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Darvo stands for Deny Attack, reverse victim and offender. It's a construct that was developed by doctor Jennifer Fry. Deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. So what the narcissistic person will in a very skill I mean in a cruelly skillful way do is If the person, the gaslighted person ever attempts to push back on something that the narcissist does done, like you came, you said you were going to be home by 9 o'clock last night to get home till one in the morning.”
2025-05-23 · The Diary of a CEO · Most Replayed Moment: How to Know If You're Being Gaslit by a Narcissist And What to Do About It: Dr Ramani Durvasula · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Leaves the gaslighted person utterly confused, completely out of their minds, doubting themselves and they start to believe the critiques the gaslighter will tell them things like you're crazy, you're stupid, you don't remember things right, maybe you have dementia. Do you think you should be in therapy? You might need to be on medication. Like by the time the gaslighter is done with someone, they have lost all sense of they don't trust themselves at all. And so if they don't leave the relationship, and some people don't, they are then sort of in this, again, this form of servitude with the narcissistic person of gaslighting person, almost relying on them to lead them through reality. So it's almost like utter submission at that point that they get the gaslighter gets to dictate reality. And then over time, there's this tactic that narcissistic and other abusive people use called Darvo.”
2025-05-23 · The Diary of a CEO · Most Replayed Moment: How to Know If You're Being Gaslit by a Narcissist And What to Do About It: Dr Ramani Durvasula · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“There. Do you want me to show you the pictures on my phone? Then we go to the next step of gaslighting. The gaslighter doesn't want to see the pictures on your phone. They just want to overpower you. This isn't about evidence. This is about them overpowering you. So they'll say, look, here's the pictures on my phone. And then the gas fighter won't say well you're right, we did go there. Instead, they'll say, oh my gosh, you were the most petty human being I've ever met. Is this what it is? You're just going to go on your phone to find the pictures to prove something to me. Is that what this relationship is? I don't know that I want to even be in a relationship like this. Now, this poor person who's being gaslighted is thinking, I just show them the pictures to prove a point. And now I'm the bad one. And so they're, and they trust this person. So they think, well, maybe I am doing something bad. Maybe I am being petty. But gaslighting doesn't happen once. It happens over and over and over again. It's an indoctrination process.”
2025-05-23 · The Diary of a CEO · Most Replayed Moment: How to Know If You're Being Gaslit by a Narcissist And What to Do About It: Dr Ramani Durvasula · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Gaslighting, it's simplest, it's a power play, it's a form of emotional abuse, and it's a tactic. Gaslighting is predicated on a relationship that's ostensibly characterized by trust. So that's why strangers can't gaslight you in the same way as an intimate partner, a trusted colleague, a family member, even a person with expertise, like an attorney or a physician could gaslight you, right? Because there's a presumption of trust. So you're going to listen to the gaslighter. Initially, what the gaslighter will do is they will doubt the gaslight head person's perceptions, experiences, memories, even reality. That never happened. I never said that. You're making that up. We never went there. So now this person's a little confused because their reality is saying, yeah, we did. Yeah, we did. So initially, a person will fight back against a gas light. They'll say, we absolutely went.”
2025-05-23 · The Diary of a CEO · Most Replayed Moment: How to Know If You're Being Gaslit by a Narcissist And What to Do About It: Dr Ramani Durvasula · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“That much water under the bridge, for the family members and partners and other people that have been harmed, they're saying you want me to stay in this relationship because this dude remembered to say thank you once this week? I think not. To me the thank you is progress to the people in their lives who have been harmed that one thank you is not going to be enough.”
2025-05-23 · The Diary of a CEO · Most Replayed Moment: How to Know If You're Being Gaslit by a Narcissist And What to Do About It: Dr Ramani Durvasula · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Not seen them become a not narcissist. I've seen them make micro changes because I measure and monitor and make my notes and therapy. So I'll see. Interesting. They're no longer trying to mess with coming in 10 minutes later and asking me to keep them for the whole hour. They are honoring the therapeutic frame. They're paying the bill when they decide not to show up at the last minute. I see tiny tweaks. I'll see people who will come in and say, I screamed at my girlfriend again last night, and that wasn't cool. So I was like, oh, whoa, that's insight. Like, I'll run with it. But here's the rub, okay? These microchanges, and they are microchanges, but they are changes, and they're in the right direction.”
2025-05-23 · The Diary of a CEO · Most Replayed Moment: How to Know If You're Being Gaslit by a Narcissist And What to Do About It: Dr Ramani Durvasula · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“With the CEO of their company, like charming, nice, warm, remembering the ages of their kids and asking about the wife and remembering that their grandmother is sick and all this stuff, and get home. Forget it was his anniversary, scream at their partner Why is the house like look like this? Why do I have to put up with this? Make those damn kids shut up But they were mister I remember that your little girl's birthday is february sixth when they were on the golf course. That is not assholery that's narcissism.”
2025-05-23 · The Diary of a CEO · Most Replayed Moment: How to Know If You're Being Gaslit by a Narcissist And What to Do About It: Dr Ramani Durvasula · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“By these machinations, these manipulations, and these invalidations, the person in a relationship with the narcissistic person feels like they're constantly on their back foot, that they can't be themselves, they can't express a need, they can't express a want, they can't even express a feeling for fear of it being shut down. So there's your not narcissistic person. What about an asshole? Okay. I do think assholery and narcissism are pretty, we use the terms interchangeably. I think though, that here's my asshole belief since this is something I think the construct validation, an asshole is probably still needing to be done. I think assholes tend to be pretty consistently assholes. So whereas narcissistic people can really, they have a much wider behavioral repertoire to be absolutely trying. This is a person who can be absolutely charming on the golf course.”
2025-05-23 · The Diary of a CEO · Most Replayed Moment: How to Know If You're Being Gaslit by a Narcissist And What to Do About It: Dr Ramani Durvasula · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“What's the distinction when a person has a bad day and we all have bad days? And on those bad days, we might look if all the, if the only tape someone had of us was of that day, right? But here is the piece When people are not narcissistic and they have bad days, they will take accountability, they will make amends, and they will change their behavior and say, I'm not doing this again. This is not okay. Why wasn't it okay? Because it was none of those people's fault, you didn't get enough sleep. And whether that means we reach deeper to be as kind as we can to the people, in some cases, especially if it's people we know or we see again, you may not know the random person at the gym, but if we someone we know or work with, we step out of ourselves to say the way I conducted myself yesterday wasn't okay, and I'm really sorry about that. And so that they're having that experience of you taking accountability. That's where I know we're not dealing with a narcissistic person. We're dealing with a bad day. And a bad day is just that a day. It's not every day. With a narcissistic person many days, I'm not going to say all, but many days are characterized.”
2025-05-23 · The Diary of a CEO · Most Replayed Moment: How to Know If You're Being Gaslit by a Narcissist And What to Do About It: Dr Ramani Durvasula · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Rare for them to sort of lift their heads up and genuinely notice the experience of another person. That's what narcissism is. How does it show up? It shows up as devaluation, dismissiveness, manipulation, gaslighting. They get angry very quickly, especially when they're frustrated or disappointed, and that can show up as overt rage or overt anger, yelling, screaming, or even violence. That can show up as passive aggression, withholding and withdrawing. They're prone to betrayal, they lie, they cheat, they make promises about the future. They never keep, but they do that to keep people around, so they won't leave them. So it's part of a larger sort of a manipulation. They will dominate people. They have to get the last word. They will shift blame onto other people. They will rarely take responsibility for their misdeeds, even when they're clearly caught in them. And if they do, they'll still blame the other person.”
2025-05-23 · The Diary of a CEO · Most Replayed Moment: How to Know If You're Being Gaslit by a Narcissist And What to Do About It: Dr Ramani Durvasula · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“The meanness, but that to me is even more sort of a manifestation of the traits, like the grandiosity, the arrogance, they have variable empathy and typically have low empathy. They're deeply entitled. They truly think they're more special than everyone else, and that the rules should apply to them very differently. They have a excessive need for admiration and validation, the very superficial, they don't really have the capacity for deep, sustained, intimate relationships. They're very much referential to the world outside of them to set goals. They don't have a good internal sense of what matters to me, what do I want to do? They just want to do what they do, again, to get that admiration and validation. There's a shallowness, a real emotional shallowness to narcissism. Those are the patterns and traits. We sort of see they're very, very self-centered, very preoccupied with themselves, the good parts of themselves, the bad parts of themselves.”
2025-05-23 · The Diary of a CEO · Most Replayed Moment: How to Know If You're Being Gaslit by a Narcissist And What to Do About It: Dr Ramani Durvasula · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Okay, all right. So I would give you probably like a C minus. I cut students a lot of slack back in the day. So I'll give you a C plus B minus because you're in the neighborhood, right? The grandiosity, the arrogance.”
2025-05-23 · The Diary of a CEO · Most Replayed Moment: How to Know If You're Being Gaslit by a Narcissist And What to Do About It: Dr Ramani Durvasula · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“So I'm almost curious to ask you What just before I almost contaminate you with what my definition is, what's your working definition? What's your working model of what narcissism is?”
2025-05-23 · The Diary of a CEO · Most Replayed Moment: How to Know If You're Being Gaslit by a Narcissist And What to Do About It: Dr Ramani Durvasula · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Not so much. And on top of that, the narcissistic person has this very well developed, very successful behavioral repertoire. They can go out in the world and they're able to be charming and charismatic and confident and smart in the center of attention and running companies and behind closed doors, they psychologically eviscerate the people there with spouses, partners, family members, close friends, maybe people who are below them in an organization, people where they can kind of get away with it. So the people they're harming, the world thinks this person's fantastic. At least the person who's in a relationship with an addict, people say, okay, I get it. They're using this is hard. But for the folks in narcissistic relationships, a lot of people say, aren't you lucky that you're married to that guy? And the person's like, oh my gosh, are these people out their mind? Like, so what do they do? They blame themselves.”
2025-05-23 · The Diary of a CEO · Most Replayed Moment: How to Know If You're Being Gaslit by a Narcissist And What to Do About It: Dr Ramani Durvasula · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Mean hundreds, hundreds really. And I even use the word survivor. I hate to call them victims because I don't even think they're that passive. I mean, I think that they just weren't. No one ever taught anyone this, right? I'll give you the example. When people are in a relationship with somebody who's living with addiction, it's very clear what they're dealing with, right? You have a person, they're using a substance that's altering them, that's altering their behavior, that's taking them away from who they are in person. People in relationships with addicts will say, I'm in two relationships. I'm in a relationship with a sober person and I'm in a relationship with somebody who's using or intoxicated or denying or defending their use, right? Two people. And it breaks the people in those relationships. And we're willing to call it that. The experience people have in narcissistic relationships in a way is no different with the added bit though, at least with addiction people can say, I see what the behavior is. I see what the issue is. Addiction's a disease, and we know it's treatable. Narcissism.”
2025-05-23 · The Diary of a CEO · Most Replayed Moment: How to Know If You're Being Gaslit by a Narcissist And What to Do About It: Dr Ramani Durvasula · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Every week, every week. I mean, it's probably one of the, if not the most gratifying part of my week. I'm a big believer that if you're a mental health practitioner, you practice mental health. So that's a privilege to be able to be in that room and to work with clients. But it would be so easy when you're dealing at a macro level, large populations going on YouTube writing books to get distanced from what is happening to individual people's lives. One of the tricky bits with research is we study populations. We study samples, right? We study hundreds of people. What happens in the room is something very different. And you start to recognize A, how badly these relationships harm people, their schemas of the world, their schemas of themselves, and B how much potential for intervention there is with these clients through very, very simple approaches around education about narcissism, validation of their experience, breaking through self-”
2025-05-23 · The Diary of a CEO · Most Replayed Moment: How to Know If You're Being Gaslit by a Narcissist And What to Do About It: Dr Ramani Durvasula · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT