YouSaid · the spoken record

Carole Robin

lines on the record: 95
first: 2024-04-25
most recent: 2024-04-25
sittings or episodes: 1
sources: podcast

Every line below is reproduced as it was said and linked to the record it came from. Nothing here is summarised or generated. Directory · Search · Corrections

“And that you'll also know and be sensitive to the fact that I have long COVID, so my capacity to respond to messages and emails is definitely impacted. I used to be one of those. You could count on me to always respond. By the way, another learning, you know, turns out everybody didn't write me off just because I couldn't respond to them right away.”
2024-04-25 · Lenny's Podcast · How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”) · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“I'm on LinkedIn You won't be able to just connect with me. You know, I've got one of those things where you can't just connect. You need my email address. So you can put my email address in the notes. Anybody's more than welcome. But if you connect with me, please don't try to sell me anything. The only reason it's set up that way is that too many people were trying to sell me too many things, and I got exasperated. That's the only reason they wanted to connect. So I'm just going to trust that, you know, you'll reach out to me because you want to connect with me because you're interested in my work”
2024-04-25 · Lenny's Podcast · How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”) · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“It has made me a much more empathetic person. I think one of the really interesting and important things to learn and have always continued to learn in doing the interpersonal dynamics work we do is you never know what's going on for someone else. And in one of the worst things we can do is assume we know what's going on for someone else. And it's really easy to get really in, yeah. I said this before we even got online, which is in the absence of data, people make shit up. So if you don't want people to make shit up about you, you're better off disclosing more. Because then you'll have more control over your self definition, not less. People like to make sense of things. They will connect dots however way they want to, unless you help them connect them the way you want them to. Another case for self-disclosure.”
2024-04-25 · Lenny's Podcast · How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”) · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Now, there was a point at which I was like, and oh my God, what happens if I get better suddenly, right? Because people do get better. And one of my very wise children said, you know, mom, I'm pretty sure that if you suddenly get a lot better, they'll be happy to give you lots of stuff to do. So, anyway, so that's one of probably the biggest lessons. And also it goes with A lesson around acceptance and accept. I wrote a LinkedIn, I think, a LinkedIn, not a blog paper, one of those LinkedIn things. If you go to my website, you can look at things I've written. I think it was called Long COVID and acceptance or something like that. But it's about how acceptance is not resignation. And it's about having an opportunity to rethink a lot of things and reframe beliefs. And I think the last thing I'll say about it is that”
2024-04-25 · Lenny's Podcast · How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”) · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“It's given me an opportunity to live a lot of what I teach. So I always taught in my leadership classes that the worst thing a leader can do is make an organization too dependent on them. If you care about building a sustainable long term organization and a legacy, then it behooves you not to make the organization very dependent on you. So over the last twenty months I have slowly and surely. Given more and more of my responsibilities to more and more members of the team, to the point where hot off the press, I'm about to become only an advisor. And step out of really all of my operational duties probably by the end of this year.”
2024-04-25 · Lenny's Podcast · How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”) · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Well, for starters, we're all works in progress, which means every relationship in your life is a work in progress. Because if I'm a work in progress and you're a work in progress, then by default, so is our relationship. And so remembering that What worked with you two years ago may or may not work for you now because we're different people. So I think that's a biggie. I think stopping and Becoming aware of what are the mental models that are driving these choices that I'm making? Like the Every behavior has in front of it a choice. If we stop long enough to become aware of it. And in front of every choice, there's some belief. I try to march myself back from the result to the behavior to the choice to the mental model that drove it or the skill or lack of skill.”
2024-04-25 · Lenny's Podcast · How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”) · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Fourth one is we can be honest with each other, that's where all the feedback comes in. The fifth one is we know how to resolve conflict productively. And the sixth one is we are committed to each other's learning and growth. When all six of those are present. To varying degrees, you've moved farther down the continuum.”
2024-04-25 · Lenny's Podcast · How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”) · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Well, go back to the fact that there are six characteristics Exceptional relationships. And actually, those are the characteristics that are present as a relationship is moving down this continuum that we've talked about. And the more each of these exists, the farther down the continuum you are. So the first one is, you know, I'm better known by you. Of course, there's skills involved, and how do I allow myself to be known? The second one is I know you better. And there's skills involved in getting to know you better. We've talked about many of them. The third one is we trust that our disclosures won't be used against us.”
2024-04-25 · Lenny's Podcast · How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”) · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Another fucking opportunity for growth Every student who ever took a class from me, every client who I have ever coached, every participant who's ever gone through leaders in tech knows that acronym. Because my question when something has gone wrong or, you know, a person has experienced a failure. My first question is always, so what did you learn? There's always a lesson. And then usually what follows is, yeah, you just had an A fog And you know, as a person who's had a lot of AFogs throughout my life. Puts it in perspective. I like the perspective that it offers. Let's lock the end of the world. Sometimes some A fogs are more painful than others. Some A fogs take longer to recover from than others. Know they're recoverable. Particularly if I've invested the energy in really unpacking what there was for me to learn.”
2024-04-25 · Lenny's Podcast · How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”) · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“The best thing to do first go to inquiry. Because, by the way, I also, as you might imagine, I tend to err very much on the side of transparency. And so I'll say, you know, man, I got all kinds of things going on in my head about what I think would be great for you to do. And I'm going to resist that because I, first of all, may or may not hit the mark. So I'd really like to understand more. And second of all, you know, I wonder if in the end be even more fruitful if we explore different things together.”
2024-04-25 · Lenny's Podcast · How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”) · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Totally. Because you know what? It's another mental model. I serve you best by just giving you advice when you ask for it. That's the loving, caring thing to do. Well, it's a mental model. Tried testing it and seeing whether or not it really turns out to still be valid”
2024-04-25 · Lenny's Podcast · How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”) · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Some of the same power differential can happen. I think chapter four in the book is about two guys who were good friends and one of them is always trying to give advice to the other one. First of all, it can be annoying if you didn't ask for it. So I certainly wouldn't give advice if unless somebody asked for it. I might not immediately jump to I might to the advice, I might want to explore you know what have you already thought about? How have you already approached it? Where are you stuck? I might ask more questions before I immediately go into advice. Because by the way, nine times out of ten, you end up giving advice on something that's not really what the person was worried about or wondering about. First, go to inquiry. You know, you can always come back to advice.”
2024-04-25 · Lenny's Podcast · How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”) · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“And I'm glad you brought that up because people then have become so used to the quick shortcut is you'll just give me the answer. First of all, you have enabled powerlessness You certainly haven't helped them learn and grow. If you think, if you at all think your job as a manager is to at least sometimes do that. And sometimes people will say, can't you just give me the answer? And then I always used to say, I could and here's how I don't, here's why I'm not going to, because I don't think that'll serve you. That's not my job. My job isn't just to give you the answers. My job is to turn you into somebody who eventually will just know what the right answer is.”
2024-04-25 · Lenny's Podcast · How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”) · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Various options and coming to your own solution is both going to help you develop more, then you're not going to have to come ask me again. If the only time you ever learn is when you come ask me and you don't go through any of the work of figuring out how I got to that answer, well, then I've just made more work for myself.”
2024-04-25 · Lenny's Podcast · How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”) · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Say, well, I see it a little differently. What if we did this? We had a challenger disaster as a result of that. The other thing about advice is that it creates even bigger power differentials between people. So if you're the leader or you're in the higher power position to start with Then giving me advice is only going to make me feel even lower power, as opposed to Well, let's think about this together. Let's be thought partners. Often when we give advice, it's a good thing to stop yourself and ask yourself who am I doing this for? Am I doing this for me so that I can puff myself up with everything I know? Or am I doing it for you because this is really going to help you and make you better? Nine times out of ten? Being a thought partner as you explore.”
2024-04-25 · Lenny's Podcast · How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”) · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“I'm really glad you asked me about that because two things, a couple of things. First of all, leaders often believe, this is another mental model, that they have to have all the answers. And that is actually. Not a very productive mental model or belief because, first of all, puts a huge amount of pressure on the leader. Now suddenly I always have to know. And what happens when I don't know? Second of all, I believe a leader's job is to ensure the best answer is found. It doesn't matter whether it comes from me or anywhere else in the organization. It also allows for the possibility that somebody else may have a better answer than me. And many a really, really good solution has been squelched and never surfaced because people are afraid.”
2024-04-25 · Lenny's Podcast · How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”) · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Carol, I don't think that was a behavior. Carol, and by the way, we say, I feel insert feeling nine times out of ten, people say, I feel that, or I feel like. I feel that you don't care is not a feeling. I feel like it doesn't matter, is not a feeling. I feel that you're not committed is not a feeling. In fact, they're all over the net. You're almost guaranteed to be over the net when you start, I feel and put in like or that. Guaranteed. Very easy hack. I feel pull up vocabulary, feeling. You can't say grammatically correctly. I feel that sad or I feel that angry or I feel that irritated or I feel like disappointed doesn't work.”
2024-04-25 · Lenny's Podcast · How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”) · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“I want you to tell me what is the behavior they're engaging in how does it make you feel what would be behind you wanting to tell them what would be your desired outcome to the conversation then I become you. You become, your difficult person because you know them and I don't and we role play. You've now told me what you need, what you want. What's going on for you? And then You have to play your difficult person as well as you can. The third person's usually the observer who pinch hits and says Carol, I think that was over the net.”
2024-04-25 · Lenny's Podcast · How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”) · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Every chapter in the book has a section at the end of And those deep in your learning sections, every single one of them has a suggested activity. Something you can go do. And some of those come from some of the things we do in the classroom. So that's one place to start in terms of trying to find very tactical and practical ways of applying some of this. The other thing that we often do in, I often do in leaders in tech, I used to do this less at Stanford because they did a lot of this in their tea groups and they were actually in real time with each other putting everything they were learning to use. But sometimes with my execs in leaders in tech, I will, for example, put them in a trio and I will say to you, so Lenny, I want you to think of somebody who you would like to give feedback to.”
2024-04-25 · Lenny's Podcast · How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”) · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“That was 25 years ago, and that has served us very well because we've been married 37 years, 39 years. And if we go back to feedback, you give somebody feedback, they get super like defensive, but by the way, net jumping invites net jumping, so they're likely to net jump too. And by the way, the minute you label somebody or you're over the net. In fact, you sent me something that was really interesting that I wanted to find here because You said Nobody is born with genes for being rude or self involved. Guess what? Rude and self involved are labels. That is not behaviorally specific. So calling somebody rude or self involved is just going to make them defensive. Saying, you know. I was interrupted three times, and I'm telling you this because you said you wanted to hear my opinion.”
2024-04-25 · Lenny's Podcast · How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”) · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“One of the most powerful things you can do when somebody responds in a way that feels very unexpected and out of whack with what you just said is go back to what did you hear me say because nine times out of ten what they heard is not what you said. Said I heard you say I didn't know what I was doing. Now, by the way, it didn't matter. That's not what I said. And I didn't say that's not what I said. I said, wow, really glad I asked. Because now that I understand that that's what you heard, I understand why you reacted the way you did. I said, let me try it again. Know one of the ways that I show somebody that I love them is I offer to help. And what would you like me to do if in a situation like this when I see you struggling? He says wait for me to ask.”
2024-04-25 · Lenny's Podcast · How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”) · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Sometimes it won't work. And then you've got to know how to repair. And that's why remember I told you that our facilitators have a unique set of skills. And that's because they have to allow messes to happen. Otherwise, nobody's going to learn how to repair. And repair often goes back to some of what we've already talked about. Let's start with I come in the kitchen, my husband's struggling, I say to him, can I help you with that? He says, don't tell me what to do. Sure, none of your none of your listeners can relate to this story. And I say, instead of, I wasn't trying to tell you what to do, I was just trying to be helpful. What kind of a way to respond to my offering help is that? I say, what did you hear me say?”
2024-04-25 · Lenny's Podcast · How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”) · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“First of all, let's make sure that we point out that what we're doing here is we're shifting probabilities of success. We're not guaranteeing anything. And let's say that you do your best and you stay on your side of the net and you give somebody feedback and they go bonkers and they call you all kinds of names and they write, you know. Now there's an opportunity to learn something else that everybody learns in these programs, which is called repair. How do you repair when something goes sideways? Because no matter how good you are, no matter how skilled you get, no matter what your intent was.”
2024-04-25 · Lenny's Podcast · How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”) · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“And my incentive was that I actually really wanted to learn more about what was going on for them. And I wasn't going to learn anything unless I shut up long enough for them to tell me So, behavior is something we all have control over. Now, when I give somebody feedback and they tell me, well, I can't do that. I've asked them to change a behavior, then I'll say, I'm sorry, I don't think I can accept I can't. I will accept I don't want to or I don't have it. But I don't have to accept I can't, so I'd just like you to own the fact that it's a choice that you're making.”
2024-04-25 · Lenny's Podcast · How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”) · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Well, for starters, to any of your listeners, one of my very favorite authors is Carol Dweck, who wrote a book called Mindset. And you put a word yet at the end of any of those? I don't know how yet. I'm not like that yet. Changes the meaning of the whole thing. And by the way, talk about updating a mental model, instant update of a mental model. The other thing that I'll say is We are all capable of changing our behavior. We cannot change our personality. We are born wired with personalities. I am very outgoing and extroverted as might come as a shock to all of you. And you know what? When I overdo it, I suck all the oxygen out of the room. And one of the behaviors I had to learn, and it takes discipline, to engage in was zipping it a little more so that others could speak up more.”
2024-04-25 · Lenny's Podcast · How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”) · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“So, questions that start with what? What's this about? What's going on? Where is this manifesting? When did you see this happen last? How might we go about unpacking what's going on? Where is this happening most? What, when, where how? Stay away from why. It's a whole”
2024-04-25 · Lenny's Podcast · How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”) · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“But you got to suspend it long enough to see if there's something for you to learn. And then the way you ask the question matters. Questions that can be answered with yes or no are typically limiting questions and aren't going to be very productive. Questions that start with why? Why? Why? Why? Why did you do that are going to make me defensive? Why are you crying? Well, if you're really, is that going to make me want to tell you more about why I'm upset or why are you upset? I'm going to, right away, I'm going to go into, oh no, I'm not upset. It's not a big deal. Or I'm going to go into a place that's not necessarily very productive because this reminds me of how my mother always, you know, scolded me. Neither one is going to be very productive.”
2024-04-25 · Lenny's Podcast · How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”) · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Oh, yeah. I'm glad you brought that up because inquiry is a fundamental component of strong interpersonal relationships for a couple of reasons. And first of all, let's stop and note. Inquiry comes the root of the word inquiry is quest Quest means to be in search of and not knowing what you're going to find. Not the way most people think about questions and inquiries. Most of the time, people ask a question to confirm a hypothesis. Don't you think you're just trying to discredit John by doing that? That's not inquiry. Don't you think you'd just be better off letting that go? That's not inquiry. And by the way, another thing to note. In artful inquiry, first of all, you have to suspend judgment. You cannot be curious You've already decided you know what's going on for someone else. You can always go back to being judgmental.”
2024-04-25 · Lenny's Podcast · How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”) · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Absolutely. And that's why I say that feedback builds relationships. Because by the way, if I'm doing something that I'm kind of, I kind of wish I hadn't done, it's not that I'm going to be like, oh, yay, I'm so glad I did that. If I recognize that it would have been easier for you not to say anything because it would have been more comfortable, but because you cared about me, you actually said something to me. Talk about something that builds relationship.”
2024-04-25 · Lenny's Podcast · How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”) · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“And I'm telling you because as far as I am concerned, In that meeting you did not accomplish your stated. Desire, your desired outcome was to hear from everybody, and after a while I just gave up trying to give you mine.”
2024-04-25 · Lenny's Podcast · How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”) · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“If he cares because he started by saying he wanted to hear from everybody, then I'm not being very caring if I don't tell him what the impact was of his behavior. So I don't call him out in the middle of the meeting because I don't want to embarrass him, but I might go to his office later and say so, you know, John. Do you have a few minutes? I have an observation. I've got something that I experienced that you might want to know. Sure, Car So, you know, when I started to say X, you did Y. When I started to say Z, you did it. I said, and when that, you started the meeting by saying you want to hear from everybody. When that happened, I felt less and less, I felt kind of shut down and I felt less and less inclined to offer up my opinion. And maybe that's okay, but I wondered whether you knew that that was the impact.”
2024-04-25 · Lenny's Podcast · How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”) · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Somebody walks into there, a manager, or a team leader, or whatever, walks into a room meeting, starts a meeting by say, so I want to make sure we hear from everybody. I want to make sure that we have a very full conversation. I want to talk about X. And now let's say that I start to say something. And before I have finished. He says, yeah, you know, and the other thing we should talk about is blah, blah. And then, a little later, a similar thing happens. I start to suggest that there's another way to look at this. And he turns back to somebody else, what somebody else had said and never, never occurred. Says anything in response to what I've just said. And I'm being very specific here. Very behaviorally specific. And then after a while, Happens to me is I feel less and less inclined to offer up anything. Maybe he doesn't care”
2024-04-25 · Lenny's Podcast · How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”) · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“I'm glad you asked that because, first of all, we're not talking about performance feedback. And we're not necessarily talking about feedback on a task. What we're talking about is interpersonal feedback. And the reason it's so important is that if you don't take care of that. Then that other kind of feedback becomes unresolved. When you leave the interpersonal stuff unresolved, then the other feedback doesn't go well because the real problem is that, you know, I'm still pissed off that you never answered my phone call. So now I'm going to make it all about how, you know, this feature really is never going to work. Here's an example”
2024-04-25 · Lenny's Podcast · How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”) · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“So feedback is either constructive or complementary. Constructive feedback is there's something you're doing that is problematic and the purpose of it is let's move to a problem-solving conversation like with Andy and me. The purpose of complementary feedback is wow, that's the third time you've handed in that report early and completely and you even went above and beyond and did this and this I can't tell you how much I appreciate that how lucky I feel that you work for me and if I'm telling you this because if there's ever something that you want that we're not giving you I want to make sure you know that I want to talk about it by the way same formula Now compare that to nice job thanks Right, all feedback is data. So, all feedback is positive. More data is always better than less data.”
2024-04-25 · Lenny's Podcast · How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”) · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“And then, guess what? Then he leaves, and then somebody says, How was that? And he says, Ah, you know, she's really disrespectful. Then, right? And then pretty soon nobody's ever even been there, but my reputation is that I don't respect students. That's how stuff gets out of control.”
2024-04-25 · Lenny's Podcast · How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”) · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“I love this. One of my greatest moments when I was teaching was that I asked a question. I was teaching in a big lecture hall at the law school. They didn't have any clocks on the question and a student began answering. And I just glanced at my watch just because, you know, I was trying to figure out where I was, you know, in terms of when I had to wrap up. And he walked up to me after class and he said, you know, professor, I felt disrespected. I hugged him. Well, first, I asked him if it was okay. Is it”
2024-04-25 · Lenny's Podcast · How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”) · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Exactly. Because often we say it takes two to know one. I don't know what impact I'm having on you until you tell me. And I have to be willing to be a little vulnerable to ask. And if we go back to that first activity that you asked me to describe way at the beginning, Then we put them back in pairs and we say okay now that you've learned a little bit about feedback. Your partner what they did that made it easier for you to disclose more. And be more willing to be more vulnerable and or what they did that made it a little harder. Right there in the moment, you learned something about yourself that you might never have known. Somebody says, you know, you looked away as I was talking. You might not have even known you did that. You looked at your watch.”
2024-04-25 · Lenny's Podcast · How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”) · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“I will say anything that spreads the word and anything that helps people learn how to engage with each other in ways that build relationship I'm all for.”
2024-04-25 · Lenny's Podcast · How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”) · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“So then, what happened is he said, Well, if you want my undivided attention, then you've got to give me some time to unwind when I get home. What a reasonable request. I said, well, how much time do you need? He said, I don't know, half an hour is like half an hour. I've been counting the minutes. How about five minutes? We settled on fifteen. And by the way, that is the purpose of feedback when it's constructive feedback. Move into a problem-solving conversation. Don't change the other person. Move into Behaviors that will work better for both of you.”
2024-04-25 · Lenny's Podcast · How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”) · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“And the only thing I get back from you are either a grunt or an affectless repetition of what I just said. That's reality number two. Anybody watching the video would say that's what happened. I don't feel heard Can't say, yeah, you do. And when I don't feel hurt, I feel hurt and I feel distanced. And the reason I'm telling you that is because I can't be here for you in the way I want to be when I feel that way. So, the formula is when you do insert behavior, I feel pull out the vocabulary of feelings. And I'm telling you this because, or I'm hoping the outcome of you know this is.”
2024-04-25 · Lenny's Podcast · How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”) · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“First of all, he didn't say I don't care, did he? I don't know whether he cares or not. And by the way, and, you know, how can you be so insensitive? And I feel that you don't care and I feel you're being insensitive are not feelings. They're attributions and imputed motives. And that's where we make our biggest mistakes when it comes to feedback. And what that does is it makes the other person defensive. So calling my husband insensitive is the most insensitive thing in the world because he's one of the most sensitive people on the planet. So it wasn't until I learned to stay on my side of the net and say So when I speak and I'm all worked up about something.”
2024-04-25 · Lenny's Podcast · How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”) · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“And by the way, people have been taught eye messages. I feel that you're not listening, is exactly the same thing and don't have a single feeling word in it. Don't know whether he was listening or not. I'm over the net. I'm in his court. Unless I'm in his head, I don't know whether he was listening or not. But then he says, Yeah, I was listening. You're all worked up because you went to a new nursery school. Actually, it's more like this. Yeah, you're all worked up and you went to that nursery school. Has even open your own. Now I get a little bit more activated. And I say, how can you not care?”
2024-04-25 · Lenny's Podcast · How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”) · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“So I've told this anecdote many times. It might even be in the book, but I come home, I'm sorry, my husband comes home after a very long day in the valley. He was an executive. I've got two little kids, infant and a two-year-old. I've been waiting for him to come home. I come running into the front room in those days, by the way. You know, we still had newspapers. He's reading the newspaper. And I say, oh my God, oh my God, you're home. I can't wait till I tell you what happened today. I can't believe what happened. Why are we living in Palo Alto? Jesus Christ, I don't want to raise kids at Palo Alto. It's a terrible. I watched that new nursery school. It hasn't even opened. It's already closed. Oh my God. And he says, mm-hmm. Right. So then I say you're not listening.”
2024-04-25 · Lenny's Podcast · How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”) · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“We don't understand that we are only privy to two out of the three. So I know what's going on for me and I know what I did. I have no idea what happened on your end. You know what I did and how it impacted you. So your two are the only one we share is the one in the middle in common, the behaviors, right? Now we draw a metaphorical net between reality number one and reality number two. To help people understand, and anybody who's ever taken Touchy in no matter which context knows the saying, stay on your side of the net. Meaning, stick with the two realities you know because we get in trouble the minute we start thinking we know the other person's reality.”
2024-04-25 · Lenny's Podcast · How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”) · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Also, why I'm a big believer in meditation and awareness. Anyway, if we now fast forward to your question about how to give feedback well, which has to do with understanding the three realities, it starts with in any exchange between two people. There are three realities. There is my intent how I see the world, my background, my history. There is what I do or say or don't do verbal or nonverbal, so my reality is reality number one. My behavior verbal or nonverbal is reality number two. And whatever happens on your end is reality number three, the impact of what I've said or done, you know how you see things, you know, your background. So there's these three distinct reasons. And the trouble we get into when we don't recognize that those three realities exist is that”
2024-04-25 · Lenny's Podcast · How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”) · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“So they're very related. You were right on And you know what? Let me just take a moment. I mentioned the two antenna, and this is in the book, but we're all equipped with two antenna. One is tracking what's going on for me, my internal antenna. The other one is kind of trying to pick up signals on what might be going on for you. And first of all, recognizing those two antennae exists. Second of all, learning how to hone our ability to pick up subtler and subtler signals make us more interpersonally competent.”
2024-04-25 · Lenny's Podcast · How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”) · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Now, if I get less irritated or it doesn't change, then you're right. I shouldn't say anything. But if I have the wherewithal to notice, this is why we talk about two antenna, which I'll come back to, to notice that I'm getting more and more activated, more and more irritated, then it's really important for me to say something. And by the way, address it while it's still small. And then it won't get big. That's why we call it, you know, talk about a pinch before it becomes a crunch, and then it becomes a much bigger deal. But most of the time we say, it's not worth it. So I always tell students, okay, substitute the pronoun. Substitute the word it for I, you. I'm not with it. You're not worth it. We're not worth it. And then ask yourself again whether it's worth raising.”
2024-04-25 · Lenny's Podcast · How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”) · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“It's similarly, we hold mental models about expressing what we call pinches, which are just those little things that people do. Then we just like, eh, I'm not going to make a big deal out of it. I'm not going to say anything. The mental model is, yeah, it's a small thing. The problem is, if I'm doing something that's mildly irritating and you don't tell me, then what am I going to do? Then, are you going to get less irritated or more irritated?”
2024-04-25 · Lenny's Podcast · How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”) · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“And that's because most people have, in fact, been on the receiving end of feedback poorly given, or they've given feedback in a not very good way. You know, they've stepped in piles of doo-doo. Yes. And it does not mean feedback ruins relationships. It means feedback the way you've always seen it done or done it ruins relationships. Pretty important. And then one of the things that we are in people with, I think one of the most powerful pieces of learning that people get is learning how to give feedback in a way that is going to build relationships as opposed to. And it's going to build a relationship if you see that my reason for wanting to give it to you is that I'm invested in you and in us.”
2024-04-25 · Lenny's Podcast · How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”) · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Whoa, that's a really common, even though everybody's always wanting, I want more feedback, I want to know how it can be better, but everybody believes that giving feedback is going to create a problem.”
2024-04-25 · Lenny's Podcast · How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”) · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source