YouSaid · the spoken record

Jessica Lahey

lines on the record: 116
first: 2021-12-09
most recent: 2021-12-09
sittings or episodes: 1
sources: podcast

Every line below is reproduced as it was said and linked to the record it came from. Nothing here is summarised or generated. Directory · Search · Corrections

“Scripts or help them practice refusal skills or give them a rebuttal, just knowing that they have a rebuttal to everyone's doing it or it's no big deal or whatever that thing is, just knowing they have a rebuttal will make them more likely to use the rebuttal. And here's the coolest part it generalizes. So when we use inoculation theory to help kids not get in a car with drunk driver or not have sex before they're ready or not use drugs and alcohol, it will generalize to all those other things, which is really cool. So not only does it make it more likely that they will use those refusal skills, they will generalize to other risky behaviors. So that's why inoculation is in the title of the book and why I'm so excited about inoculation theory.”
2021-12-09 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #553: Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Bringing the data, the information that dry data about what it actually does and how it does it and what it's doing to your brain, when you attach it to your child's actual goals and hopes and dreams, we're back to that hope and optimism stuff, that's how you get real leverage with kids. And being more honest with them about. All of that, who uses how much, when, what it does to them, that's the stuff that actually works to keep kids making better decisions. And actually, one last thing, if I could add on this really cool thing called inoculation theory. It's a school in sociology and psychology. Inoculation theory around helping kids manage risky behaviors like having sex before they're ready or using drugs and alcohol or whatever that, the getting in the car with a drunk driver. When we give kids”
2021-12-09 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #553: Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Giving them real information about what it does to their brains at certain stages of their development, helping them focus on, so for example, if you have a kid who really wants to be An architect or a policeman or whatever it is your kid really wants to be. And you know that they're going to have to finish high school or finish college or get to a certain level of achievement in order to be that thing. You can say, here's the deal. We know that the hippocampus is smaller in kids who use pot on a regular basis. And the hippocampus is where memory formation happens. And that old joke about people who smoke a lot of pot having no short-term memory, that's because those receptors are right there on and around the hippocampus. And that's a very real thing. And in grownups, sometimes that can be temporary loss, but in kids, it's more likely to be a permanent sort of situation. It can be temporary, but we also know that there's permanent changes to the hippocampus over time. And so these goals that you have for your life are going to be less likely for you to be able to achieve if you're messing with your ability to remember stuff.”
2021-12-09 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #553: Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Helping kids understand before they go off to college. Here are the kids who drink. Here's how much alcohol is consumed by kids in college. Here's this vast majority of kids who either drink minimally or not at all in college a bunch of years ago. I asked my students. In your most lucid and trusting and open moment, what could an adult have said to you that would have made you think differently about your use or made you possibly reassess your use? And all of them said, be honest with me. Saying things like drugs are bad is clearly a lie because people wouldn't do drugs if they were all bad. If there was no upside, why would anyone ever do drugs? So that's a lie. And right off the bat, they know that we're lying to them. So why should they trust our information?”
2021-12-09 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #553: Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Of the things we hear a lot about is that oh, everybody's doing it kind of thing, that script. And what we know works for kids, what the research shows works for kids to prevent them using drugs and alcohol is actually having real data. A lot of parents, I think like the sex conversation, a lot of parents are really worried about talking about it will make them do it kind of thing or like maybe if we talk about pot, they're going to suddenly realize that pot exists and they're going to start using it or something like that. And that's not how it works. Giving kids real data on actual prevalence, how, you know, for example, if a kid in eighth grade is offered alcohol and the kid says to them, you know, well, everybody does it. It's no big deal. And that kid happens to know that less than a quarter of kids have a sip of alcohol by the end of eighth grade. That's useful information. That's powerful self-empowerment information, information that helps kids feel more like they have what's called self-”
2021-12-09 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #553: Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“As soon as I got sober, the very next thing that happened was, okay, what about my kids? Because this has to stop with me. I mean, I'm the product of generations of alcoholism. My husband also has the genetics. So my kids have it loaded up double barrel. What do I do? you know, if you look at the experts out there, they say substance abuse is a preventable public health concern. What is that word preventable mean? Like what does that actually mean? What can I practically realistically do to prevent substance use in my kids and the eventuality or the possibility of substance use disorder in my kids? And can we control everything? Absolutely not. But we do know a lot about what contributes to a person's risk of developing substance use disorder. And so what does the research say? What works, what doesn't work.”
2021-12-09 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #553: Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“It does. It means delirium of tremendous. Yeah. Seeing spiders and the classic things that happen to people who have are to the point where they need alcohol in their system to stay alive essentially because you can have seizures and die if you're at that point in your alcoholism.”
2021-12-09 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #553: Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Interventions that involve, yeah, it means a couple of things. So, medically assisted detox means that it alleviates the symptoms of, you know, when you're used to seeing, if you watch like, I don't know, like some recovery show or a movie, a depiction of someone who's going through withdrawal or whatever. It's like, you know, the pain and the sweat and all that stuff, it doesn't have to be that way. A lot. Some people believe that, you know, you have to go through that so you'll be so scared of going back, of having to do it again that you won't go back on drugs, but that's just not the way it works. So medically assisted, especially for alcohol, you can die going through withdrawal from alcohol. It's really, really dangerous. So having a physician around and actually the head of addiction medicine at University of Vermont is the chief medical officer of Santa. So you have someone there actually monitoring you medically and alleviating the symptoms of withdrawal so that you can get to the place where you can even think straight about what comes next, which is”
2021-12-09 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #553: Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Their money comes from, and often their social lives and the lives they have around their social life and their work life is often really entangled. A lot of that is around alcohol. So how do you talk to your kids? So there are a lot of people who just sort of say things like, What if I need to go to that Christmas party and I just get weak? Or what if my kid comes to me and says, you are your hypocrite? You can't tell me about the fact that I can't drink because you're an alcoholic. So how am I going to manage that and keep safe myself? That's my job.”
2021-12-09 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #553: Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“It's both. We're still shaping this. Santa is fairly new. The cool thing about Santa is that it's the first medically assisted recovery and treatment center in Vermont. There just hasn't been one. And so we're still figuring out what Santa is going to look like. But the cool thing about my job is I get to do one-on-one and I get to do group stuff. If the people that are getting treatment are parents and they want to talk about prevention and their kids, I get to do that too because that happens to be my wheelhouse. But I'm just available both on a regular basis in a group setting and then as needed individually to just talk them through stuff that's scary and talk them through. Oh my gosh, what's going to happen? In fact, I did a talk recently to parents of people who work in the alcohol industry, like parents who work in the big alcohol companies. And that's a really scary place to be because their entire”
2021-12-09 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #553: Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“To know that A, I can't worry about offending the host if I have to leave, that I always have an exit strategy, and that my husband and I have a signal for when it's time to go and that I just have to put my ability to stay safe and sober first above worrying about offending my host. So things you figure out over eight years of sobriety, that's part of what I'm there for.”
2021-12-09 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #553: Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Think it's really similar to what I did at my rehab classroom, which is essentially being a sober person who, for better or for worse, when I used to tell my students that I was in recovery, my students would say, you don't look like an alcoholic because people tend to have some image in their mind, whether that's of someone in the gutter or someone who's homeless or someone who has mental illness or whatever being a role model of someone who has been in long-term recovery and still struggles but still makes it work. That's sort of its core, what being a recovery coach is. It's to be someone who's been there and done it and has come out the other end at least eight years on and is able to just give people hope. I mean, we're back to that hope thing. I'm modeling hope. I'm modeling optimism and I'm modeling. I'm also giving them some of the tools I've learned. For me, it's really important for me if I'm going to a dinner party.”
2021-12-09 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #553: Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Any better, but that's not something to be ashamed of. This is us learning to be better. And PS, I've made most of these mistakes. So let's take this information about our kids' risks. Let's take this information about what the research shows that really works for prevention and let's actually not feel embarrassed or shamed about what we did wrong and just move forward from a place of, you know, knowing what works and trying to use that.”
2021-12-09 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #553: Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Not how it works, a you can't teach moderation, B, the European Union has the highest rate of alcohol consumption in the entire world. And while there are countries that sort of do have a culture of it's not cool to be out in public and be drunk, a lot of the countries you think of that we're trying to model our kids on aren't those countries. Just a lot of stuff that I did because I thought it was the right thing to do. When my oldest son was born, a friend of ours who really knows wine sent us a spectacular bottle of wine. And so I put some on my kid's tongue because I wanted my infant, the first, his first taste of wine to be a really nice bottle of wine. So, you know, I did some stupid stuff. A lot of the stuff that I did was because I just didn't know any better. And so all of the writing I do is very much from the perspective of, well, yeah, we screwed this stuff up because we didn't know.”
2021-12-09 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #553: Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“The amount of parenting and education we do by the seat of the pants without even thinking about the research about what works and what doesn't. There's a lot of in education. There's a lot of this too. Like this is how I was taught. And so therefore that's how I'm going to teach it. Or this is what we've always done kind of thing. So there's a lot in a lot I screwed up in parenting my 22 year old. I let him have sips. I let him have his own glass of wine at dinner. Research is really, really clear. Parents who have a clear and consistent message of no, not until it's legal, which by the way, when I say it's legal, I don't care about the legal part. What I care about is the brain development part. 21 and finishing up brain development happen to, you know, happen in proximity. So things like the myth of, oh, but those Europeans, they raise those children who just are moderate drinkers because it's not special to them. They've grown up with alcohol. And so they totally know how to be moderate drinkers.”
2021-12-09 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #553: Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yeah, crows are cool. Crows are amazing. Yields are cool. The owls of the Easter ice, they're pretty cool. Lately, that's my thing has been that sort of natural world stuff.”
2021-12-09 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #553: Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I think of them as comfort books, but they're also kind of hope and optimism and jab in the arm kind of books. I'm a huge non-fiction reader, especially about the natural world. So like the past year has been for me has been just such a overwhelming buffet of good books about everything from the book of Eels to, of course, the minute someone asks you about books you start to blank out. For me, the thing that has brought me the most joy, especially during the pandemic, has been being outside. I live in Vermont. I live in the woods. There's this guy named Bern Heinrich who writes a lot about, he has a book called The Winterworld, The Summer World. He wrote a book about crows and ravens and how smart they are. For me, I get a lot of my hope and power and happiness from thinking about the things I can discover out there in the world. And so they make me want to get out of the house, which is a really, really good place.”
2021-12-09 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #553: Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I think the key to catching Stephen King's attention and getting him to want to talk to you is to come at something from an angle. This is something you do really well. Come at it from an angle that he had, and he's been asked everything, right? So my angle was we were both English teachers and I happened to know that he loved teaching grammar. So my interview was 100% about how one teaches grammar or as he calls it business English. And it was a dream come true, really it was. It was huge for me.”
2021-12-09 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #553: Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yeah, they're actually sort of specific to whatever it is I'm thinking about or doing for writing. It's Stephen King's on writing. My kids use it too, actually. My 17-year-old and I have listened to this book in the car more times than I know because it makes me want to write and it makes me find the joy again in writing. An incredibly joyful book. It's an incredibly useful book, and it is a book that makes me want to, and I know this sounds a little weird, but turn it off and go right. And that's my go-to book for that sort of thing. And I owe him a debt of gratitude for that book.”
2021-12-09 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #553: Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Consistently missing when I taught kids in an inpatient drug and alcohol rehab. There were a lot of kids in my classroom. The vast majority of the kids in my classroom did not have any belief that their lives could be different or that they had the power to make it so.”
2021-12-09 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #553: Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Is, I guess, the way to think about it, and that you have the power to make it so. That is incredibly powerful that when we talk about sometimes about kids having that one person who, you know, if you say, who is that one person who really made you believe in yourself and it's whatever, a teacher, a coach or whatever, it's usually because they help them believe that their life can be better and they had the power to make it so. Those are the two sort of elements there that are really, really important. I have a whole shelf. I'm looking across the way at an entire shelf on books on hope and optimism and they're intertwined in incredible ways. And it's really, really important that kids have someone, one person who lets them know what their life could look like and gives them that vision and helps them sort of start to believe that it could be so. And that's at the center of hope and optimism, I think. And something that was.”
2021-12-09 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #553: Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“To have the ability to not only see that their life can be different. And then there's part two, which has to do with self-efficacy, that they have the power to make it be so. In fact, that definition of hope comes from a guy named Shane Lopez, a guy I love. He has died, unfortunately. And I miss him so, so much. But his Twitter handle is, it might even still be out there. It was Hope Monger, a seller of hope. He's just really cool guy. So according to him, hope is your ability to envision that your life can be better, different.”
2021-12-09 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #553: Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Hope is this really cool thing that I think people tend to in their heads think of as something fuzzy like, oh, balloons, bunnies, unicorns. Isn't that nice? It's not, it is essential. There are whole books about how one of the big solutions to intergenerational poverty is making sure kids have one adult who teaches them.”
2021-12-09 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #553: Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I mean, it's right. Well, and then we can model that for our kids, right? I mean, if we change what we do as parents. Don't have to just pull the rug out under our kids. We can say, look, I thought I was doing the best possible thing. I learned some stuff and I didn't give you enough credit. And now I'm changing because I have new information. And that's what I try to model for my kids all the time. Back to Albert Schweitzer's quote.”
2021-12-09 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #553: Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yourself. And so that, my lack of faith in his ability to do it became our norm. And at that point, I then, it was like a big bucket of cold water over my head. And I was like, oh, man, I can't come at this from you parents of my students suck because you're ruining this whole learning thing. I was essentially doing the exact same thing to my own kids. A lot of what I write about is we're not doing this right. Oh, look, I'm not doing this right. How can I do better and learn from it, which is super fun and a little humiliating.”
2021-12-09 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #553: Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yeah. And not only could he not tie his shoes, he was so humiliated by the fact that he couldn't tie his shoes that he hadn't told me I hadn't figured it out. He was having to sit out PE class, not play with his friends because he was wearing his brother's boots to school because he didn't have shoes without laces. And he was so humiliated. That was 100% my fault. I did that to him. Because every single time it came time to tie the shoes, it was just easier for me to do it. I was faster tying shoes is hard. Thank you very much. Manual dexterity tying shoes is one of the more challenging tasks for a young kid. And yet we sort of use it as this benchmark of like, yo, you're getting big. And so I just kept doing it. And then, you know, Velcro slip on shoes, that kind of thing. And essentially what I was saying to him every time I said, oh, I'll just do that for you. It'll be faster if I do it for you was I don't think you're competent enough to do this.”
2021-12-09 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #553: Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“How high should I jump? That was devastating to me. And at that exact same moment, that same week might have even been the same day. I found out that my nine-year-old couldn't tie his own shoes. I'd been doing it for him.”
2021-12-09 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #553: Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“But I realized at the same time, actually, one of my students wrote an essay about the fact that she was so obsessed with being perfect that not only was she paralyzed when she had to write things like rough drafts or do something where she may not look perfect, she didn't care about learning anymore. All she cared about was what grade she was going to get for the learning. And this was a kid that I taught in sixth grade, seventh grade, and eighth grade. And somewhere we wrecked her. I mean, this is not her fault. We did something to wreck this because we had this great sixth grade girl who would come into my classroom and say, Mrs. Leahy, Ms. Leahy, what are we going to learn today? Or Miss Leahy, Miss Leahy, guess what I learned today? And then by the time she gets to eighth grade, she's telling me that she does not care about learning anymore. That is beside the point. What is the point for her is the grade she's going to get when she regurgitates whatever it is I want her to regurgitate in whatever fashion. And, you know.”
2021-12-09 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #553: Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Gift of failure actually came out of me being just pissed off at the parents of my students for stealing away so many really cool learning opportunities moments like where their kids were just ready to learn and then the parent would swoop in and fix it and then the kid didn't have to come up with his own strategy. And I was on a very, very high horse about that. I really was. Especially because, you know, I'm in this noble teaching profession and you're ruining it for me.”
2021-12-09 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #553: Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“There's actually an added layer to that, which is my MO for a long time was to advocate my way into jobs that I was not qualified for. But I usually, I became a political speech writer. I had no experience doing that. And I got into it the worst possible way. I read that politician's speeches, the ones he'd published online, because these are the ones he was most proud of. And I fixed them for him. That was my audition for him. I fixed his favorite speeches for. I mean, it was like the most stupid thing ever. But I think that there's a certain level of not just I can do this specific thing, but I'm resourceful enough to figure it out if I can't do that specific thing. And that resourcefulness only comes from having tried something and screwed it up and tried it again and all that and had support throughout that process with someone who actually believes in your ability to be responsible.”
2021-12-09 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #553: Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“The more we praise them for these inherent qualities of, you know, that you're so gifted, you're so talented, you're so perfect, all these sorts of things that we actually don't raise their self-esteem. We actually lower it. What raises kids' self-esteem is not confidence, that empty sort of optimistic. My mom says, I'm the best reader in the class, but competence, which is competence with a P, which is confidence based on actual experience.”
2021-12-09 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #553: Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Know, unfortunately, the self esteem movement kind of had parents in like the late 60s, 70s, early 80s believing, well, and now still actually, I think, believing that if we tell our kids over and over and over again how great they are, how smart they are, how talented they are, all those sort of fixed, you're so, you know, you just fell out of the womb, good at math, that kind of thing, that we can somehow create like a Star Wars force field of self-esteem around them so that when they go out into the world and someone dings it because they're mean to them.”
2021-12-09 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #553: Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“You do it. I'm going to give you every single step. And oh, no, no, not that way. No, no, no. Do it this way. Those kids have less comfort with frustration. And if a kid can't go on to complete a task, there's this woman named Wendy Grolnick has done beautiful research on this. Kids who had highly directive parents were a lot less likely to be able to complete a task that required a kid to kind of get frustrated and sit with that frustration and push through. Whereas kids who had what are called autonomy supportive parents, parents who let the kid kind of struggle a little bit come at it another way and get comfortable with that feeling of frustration, those were the kids who were able to complete tasks that were difficult for them. So overparented kids tend to learn less in my classroom using the tools that work best for learning is sort of the shortest way to put that.”
2021-12-09 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #553: Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Difficulties. It's been around for a while, but it's really beautifully written about in a book called Make It Stick from Harvard University Press. When I give kids tasks that require them to do a little more parsing, to think about stuff that's just a little bit beyond their ability level, stuff that makes them have to sort of integrate two topics or two concepts in order to figure out how to do this thing. It bypasses their short-term memory and it goes into their long-term memory and they know it more deeply in the short term and they know it for longer, like 20 years from now, they probably would be able to tell me a little bit about that concept. The kids that can't benefit from desirable difficulties are kids who get frustrated and give up. And the kids who get frustrated and give up are kids who have really directive parents. If you have a parent who's been like, okay, sweetie, here's exactly how you.”
2021-12-09 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #553: Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Self efficacy is one of the most important things we help build up in kids. So it turns out that when we do too much for kids, we undermine their long-term motivation to stay involved in the things we want them to do. We also tend to give them extrinsic motivators, you know, whether it's money for grades or the grades themselves, which means I'm kind of screwed as a teacher, right? extrinsic motivators undermine long-term motivation to do the stuff we want kids to do like practice piano and do their homework and yet if we want our kids to not want to learn math the quickest way to do that is to pay them for their math grades we know that through edward decei's work so there's that motivation issue but then the other problem is this there's this woman who has done work on impact of over parenting and being overly directive not just on motivation but if you think about some of the most effective teaching tools i have one of them is this really cool thing called desire”
2021-12-09 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #553: Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“When we do too much for kids, whether it's taking away the consequences of something like if I'm trying to teach a kid about being more organized because today he's forgotten his homework and then the parent swoops in the door and has brought the homework to school, that learning opportunity is lost, obviously, helping that kid become a more competent, capable, self-efficacious person. That's not happening. It also...”
2021-12-09 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #553: Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“There are two ways of looking at this sort of what we do to kids when we overparent them. And by overparenting, I mean by being directive, overly directive, by telling kids what to do, how to do it, giving them every step along the way. When we do that, we not only undermine kids' feelings of self-efficacy. The way I sort of stay on top of my own thinking around this is when my kids were really little and they wanted to be able to do something independently, they would tell me they wanted to sell it. So that's my internal language that I want to self it. So I try to think of teenagers as bigger version of toddlers, which actually is pretty accurate and help them self it.”
2021-12-09 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #553: Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“To school counselors who provided the stories. So for the first time, I was finally able to write this thing. And at that point, I had really just been blogging for a couple of education outlets. I'd maybe been read by, you know, there were sort of a couple hundred people who were loyal readers of mine. And I wrote this thing and I said, I think I need to try to put this somewhere. And I had, I pitched it to the Atlantic, to my first editor, Jenny Gretz, who's now at Smithsonian Magazine. I pitched it to her on a Friday and it was published on Tuesday morning. Yeah. And welcome to the digital media. It was really cool. In fact, one of the people at my school read it and said, are you sure this isn't about our students because those stories were universal enough that it was easier? It was easy for me to tell that story through using some of the quotes from the research.”
2021-12-09 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #553: Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Had wanted to write about this for a long time, but the way I write is I write about data, I write about research, I translate the science, but I do it through narrative. And as a teacher, the only narratives I had around me were my students and I can't write about my students. That's just unacceptable. I had wanted to write about this stuff. I wanted to write about both how overparenting affects kids' motivation. Thank you so much, Dan Pink, Edward DC, you know, all the people who write about extrinsic motivators and motivation, long-term motivation. I wanted to talk about how it affects our ability to do the whole Mihai chick sent me high flow state, all that sort of stuff. But I also wanted to know how overparenting affected learning. And that was a big question mark for me and a study came out of Australia out of Queensland about that very topic. And they had talked.”
2021-12-09 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #553: Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Not that way. And the nice thing is recovery looks different for different people. Getting to recovery looks different for different people. And if someone disagrees with the fact that I can safely drink non-alcoholic beer because, boy, I love beer. I miss beer. I used to brew my own beer. And so I drink non-alcoholic beer. And that works for me. But I've had plenty of people tell me that I'm wrecking my own recovery path because I drink non-alcoholic beer. And I just, I wish people would be less rigid. Rigidity is the answer there, Tim.”
2021-12-09 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #553: Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“What would have worked for me in terms of medication assisted treatment. But the problem is, I see a lot of people who really need help who are, for example, in my book is in the Addiction Inoculation is a woman named Georgia who is Georgia, by the way, and Brian figure into my book in a big way. And those are their real names. And they felt, again, like the Albert Schweitzer quote that it was really, really important to make their disaster of their young adult life worth something to other people. So they asked me to use their real names. And when Georgia was pregnant and addicted to opiates, she was on methadone and she was shunned in recovery circles. And at the time, she needed people in recovery more than ever to help her through this. They said, no, this is not the way to be sober. And that is just so bogus to me. And I think it's because we're so in love with black and white as a species. Like this is the way you do it.”
2021-12-09 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #553: Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“But I walked into that first meeting. I knew no one. I sat down at a table with other women. And I just started to cry. This had never happened to me before. I just, it like snot and tears and stuff. And this woman next to me without really looking at me too much excessively just kept pulling tissues out of her bag. I don't know where they kept coming from, but she just kept handing them to me. And I went up and I got my 24-hour chip. I was still just snot and just tears. It was that 100% acceptance of the fact that this was okay and normal and to be expected and hard and that hard was part of it and that that was okay. What has not been helpful is rigidity within a view of what it means to recover from something. I myself could never be a moderate drinker. I myself couldn't use alcohol and be safe ever if I was addicted to opiates. I don't know.”
2021-12-09 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #553: Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“What I found helpful was there was a woman that I was scared to death to go to my first meeting and actually my first meeting I ever went to I went far away from my house so I wouldn't know anyone because I lived in small town New Hampshire So I did this long draw not that long, but I did a drive to get to a meeting that I thought would be different enough because I was scared to death to run into one of my students parents because of course I was not in the frame of mind to think about the fact that if one of my students parents was at a 12-step meeting they probably had similar issues. In fact, I did run into one of the parents of my students a few years later and she took one look at me and she said you're my worst nightmare and I said no no you're my worst nightmare and then we had a good laugh and it was fine.”
2021-12-09 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #553: Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Driving drunk. I wasn't drinking at school. There were a lot of things I hadn't done yet, but oh my Lord, I was so close. It was right there. It was just about to happen. And I would have lost everything. And I knew that my husband was raised in a family with substance use disorder. We had talked about this even before he knew I had a problem, that that was not something we would allow our children to be raised with. So if he ever had a problem, he knew that I would not allow our children to be around that. And if I ever had a problem, he would not allow our children to be around that either. So I would end up divorced. I mean, that was easy. That was going to happen, I believed him. So I think I was right at that cliff. It was like right there. And I could see what was coming.”
2021-12-09 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #553: Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I still think I would have gotten there. Maybe not that day, but I was so close. There's a metaphor I use both having to do with prevention and people figuring out when it's time that they need help. And that's this. You know, I think of getting there as like this hundred piece puzzle. And my dad was piece 100. And I have been piece 100 once for someone else. And I talk to a lot of people about substance use. And I have been peace, you know, God knows, 18, 32, 19, 26. You have to have pieces one through 99 in place until before piece 100 drops. So I can't say for sure that it would have worked on that day. I was going to get awfully close though. I also knew I was right at that moment. I was right there at that moment where I hadn't.”
2021-12-09 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #553: Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“The article published in January, it went viral and like first next thing I knew I was on national television trial by fire media training. And then, you know, it takes a while to put together a book proposal. And so the book sold somewhere around like April, May, something like that. Yeah.”
2021-12-09 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #553: Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I'm fascinated by the practical applications it so happens that my son, one of my, I have two sons, one's 17, one's 22, the 17-year-old is a huge fan of someone else you've had on the show. He's of Hamilton Morris and of Michael Pollen. And we both have read How to Change Your Mind. We both have watched Hamilton Hamilton's pharmacopia together. I think there's some really interesting research coming out about especially psychedelics, anything that allows people, especially at end-of-life care, to disassociate, to step away from their physical being and have less fear around dying in particular. There's some really cool stuff out there. And I think it's really important to put that work in the context of an adult brain and not let it bleed on over into anyone under the age of, I mean, ideally 25, because that's when your brain is kind of done. But let's say for, you know, just.”
2021-12-09 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #553: Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“All that kind of stuff. And then we have the environmental stuff, including trauma. You know, thank goodness for people who are now talking about adverse childhood experiences. For me, I drank because of my anxiety. I've had anxiety disorder my entire life. My grandmother had OCD. My father has a mix. It's sort of, I guess I'm kind of lucky in that it goes down by generation, but we definitely all are, we're an anxious people. And alcohol helped. Alcohol works great in the short term for anxiety. The problem is it exacerbates it over time, makes it worse, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.”
2021-12-09 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #553: Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“That's a fantastic question. And number one, huge fan of Gabor Mate in the realm of Hungry Ghosts. It's fantastic. He has a book about ADHD or ADD and substance use. Really respect his work. And he's in the full-on in the trauma camp. He's full-on in the, all of this comes from our trauma. And the nice thing about writing about a subject area where I don't really have, I'm not really in any one camp 100%. So I'm able to say, well, I agree with a lot of this and some of this is I don't. I'm a huge fan. I don't think 100% of this is about trauma. I think, you know, we have a situation where according to Mark Shookett at USC about 50 to 60% of the risk picture comes down to genetics. And then we have the in-between the genetics and the environmental stuff, something called epigenetics, which is how the stresses in our life cause our genetics to either, you know, turn on, not turn on.”
2021-12-09 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #553: Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“The quote is, and you can see it if you watch the documentary about him called First Day, the quote is we spend a lot of time talking about the last day, but what we really need to be talking about is the first day and the first day is massively important.”
2021-12-09 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #553: Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT