YouSaid · the spoken record

Laura Markham

lines on the record: 98
first: 2019-02-19
most recent: 2019-02-19
sittings or episodes: 1
sources: podcast

Every line below is reproduced as it was said and linked to the record it came from. Nothing here is summarised or generated. Directory · Search · Corrections

“So, I have a website ah, like those aha moments, aha parenting.com, so ahaparenting.com. It's about a thousand pages or more, and it's for parents of all age kids. So they can use that website to their heart's content. I also offer a newsletter. If you get it once a week, it's just a compilation of articles for that week. If you get it three times a week, you'll also get my blog posts for that week. So two of those three will be the blog posts. That's free. You can just sign up on any page of the website. I also have books. You can look on Amazon or on my website for those books. I have three books out. One is the kinds of things we've talked about today. One is on siblings and sibling relationship. And the third one is exercises that you can do to have better self-regulation, to build a better relationship and more connection with your child, and to learn how to coach your child, to do emotion coaching, and to set better limits.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Depends how old they are. There are, for lack of a word, charts online that give average sleep needs for different ages, but I would say the most important indicator is do they wake up on their own without an alarm clock and without you waking them up? If they don't, they're not getting enough sleep. Now, there are kids who wake up as soon as the light shines in their room and they're in a cranky mood, I would say those kids are light sensitive. They need blackout curtains. But when kids don't have noise waking them up and they don't have light waking them up, and they are waking up, happy at 7 a.m. or whenever they need to get up for school, then that's great. They're getting no sleep. Most kids don't. We take it for granted. We have to use alarm clocks. By the way, if you have to use an alarm clock, you're not getting enough sleep. Bad news, I know, but it's really true. So not good for you.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“You might have that in front of you, but you would sit down with your kids and say So you need to be in bed with the lights off at next time. So what are the things you have to do from the time you come home from school to the time you get in bed? Let them throw things into the list and then see what you can figure out about timing, but let them be part of that process so that they work with you on the schedule and they even, you know, come up with the chart that you post.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Go through your family practice of you're all going to clear and wash dishes together, and that takes 15 minutes working together and making it fun with a special song on while we do it and we bop around dancing while we do it. When does that mean we have to have dinner on the table? When do they have to start homework? You're basically, you're starting to eat a routine the minute the afternoon starts in a So, coming up that idea and that timetable, and then”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Well, what does that mean in terms of when you need to turn out the light? Well, what does that mean in terms of when you need to get your child into the bed and what happens between getting into the bed and turning out the light? Maybe there's a story. Maybe you turn out the light and then there's a little bit of time where you snuggle with your kid or, you know, you say prayers or you sing a little song or you talk about what they're grateful for that happened today and what they're looking forward to tomorrow. So thinking about that and sort of actually, not sort of actually mapping it out on paper. allows you to back into when each thing has to happen. Well, given all that, when do they have to be out of the bathtub and into their pajamas? Given all that, when do they have to get into the bathtub? What do they, are you going to roughhouse with them a little bit first if you get them laughing, it reduces their tension, they fall asleep more easily? We know it changes the body chemistry, but you wouldn't want to do it after the bat because then they get riled up. So you have to do it before the bath. Well, when do you have to finish dinner? Well, if you're going to...”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“On eating routine, just like a morning routine, is very important because children like to know what to expect. It builds their security, and then they act out less. And they also learn best practices for living so they get used to doing things like brushing their teeth that otherwise they wouldn't have a natural inclination to do necessarily or remembering their lunch in the morning if it's the morning routine. So it's important. I would say it also helps to build into the routine connection time because we otherwise are always reinventing the wheel and trying to remember to connect with our child if it doesn't come naturally and we're always busy. So building that into the routine strengthens the relationship. So it's very important for that reason too. It gives us an opportunity to strengthen our relationship with our child. How do you come up with a routine? Well, you start with your bedtalk. You know, when do you want your child to sleep?”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“and connect with the child in a warmer manner. You will build a relationship that will allow you to influence the child and to have a better, the child will be more willing to follow your guidance and behave better after that. But start with the relationship. Don't start with this discipline ever.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“To step down and the mother are fighting all the time about the kids, which is bad for their relationship, and it's also bad for the children. So I've seen that happen many times. And I've seen the reverse also where the stepmom ends up being the disciplinarian and wants her home kept to a certain standard. And when the dad's children visit every other week, she gets really frustrated with them, right? I'm sorry to say it happens. And so that parent should not be the disciplinarian. The other thing is that very well-meaning step parents end up in situations where they're disciplining and it erodes their relationship with the child. It's very hard to be a step parent. The child does not come into this assuming you're a nice person who has their best interests at heart necessarily. They may resent you. They may be jealous of you getting the parent's attention. They may wish that their parents would get back together. They may whatever. They won't necessarily be giving you the benefit of the doubt. If you can step out of the role of disciplinarian,”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“That new man is not necessarily going to be nurturing that child the way their dad would, right? Or their mom would. And it's not his kid. And he's not invested in that kid the way you are. So I'm not saying, and I obviously no woman listening to this is going to be inviting a man into her life that she thinks would be bad for her child. I know that. I'm just saying that the There is a kernel of truth there about that's not his kid. And so I have seen that go wrong many times. You said, what's the most common thing I see go wrong? And I've seen that go wrong in small ways that still turn out to be pretty significant for that child, which is that the stepdad has different expectations. He doesn't understand what's age appropriate for that child. And he gets angry at the kids. And then there's this big bone of contention between the parents.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“There are two reasons. One is they're not going to be seeing the child the way you are. They don't know the child as well as you do. And they are not going to give the child the benefit or the doubt the way you will. They don't necessarily have your child's best interests at heart on as evil a level. It's that simple. In fact, I'm going to say something really big here, which is that when a new man comes on the scene in a child's life, a new man is now with their mother, their risk of being abused or in fact being killed in childhood goes up. Now, that's a huge thing to say, and it's not true in most instances, obvious, but it is an indicator that”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Hm Well, I have seen that, oh my goodness, it's so hard to make a blanket generalization here. I have seen that often parents allow the other parent to do the discipline for their child. They think that now that they're a family unit, that naturally the new stepdad or the new stepmom, since she's home more, let's say, that that parent is the disciplinarian for all the kids or is equally allowed to be disciplinarian for your kids and theirs. I just think it's a mistake. I think that no one is going to be as appropriate in their guidance of your child as you are. Even the child's other natural parent, you may feel as a less good parent than you are, often we feel that way. But certainly the need. Stepdad or mom on the scene”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Them, but also build in, assume there's going to be a rocky period of adjustment and build in ways to handle things as they come to the surface so you don't, so your kid doesn't just have to shut down and go along with stuff and not express it.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Structures that will help address those fears, will help your child to go into it easily. So everything is fair game for discussion. We'll have regular meetings. I could never love more than I love you. Here are the rules about discipline. For instance, you're my kid, therefore I'm in charge of your guidance. Your stepmom, those are her kids. She's in charge of their guidance. You may think things are somewhat unfair sometimes because I'm more strict about screens. On the other hand, I don't punish and give timeouts the way she does. We're going to have our own approach to discipline. We're going to always try to talk about it and be as fair as we can, but I am the final authority when it comes to you. And she's the final authority with there. Whatever. So I guess I'm saying that your child will have a lot of concerns as much as possible. Think about what those concerns might be.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Likely response to that, which is their child will be worried about getting their own needs met, worried about fairness, whether children will be treated fairly, worried about whether their parent will still love them just as much or will they lose their special place in their parents' eyes. So setting up”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Ooh, okay. Well, step siblings implies a host of other issues. So it may mean that there is a step parent about to happen, right? And there may be a new home about to happen at least half of the time. And then in addition, there might be step siblings or maybe there are new baby step siblings that are now arriving to a situation that's already got a step parent and a second, a different home, a new home. If it's a new baby coming, you prep kids much the way you would for any new baby and there's an enormous amount of content on the aha parenting website. My website is aha parenting.com and there's a lot of content about prepping kids for the new baby, including prepping kids for a new step sibling. If you're merging two households and you're going to have step siblings who are the age of your children or any age really, but they're not babies, then you need to be aware of your child's”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“even more than that we have a need to interact with the natural world and children love it you see a difference in their behavior”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Positive blip, you know what I'm saying? So, yeah, nature is really important. And the more families can build that into their lives. You know, it's easy for us to think our children have a need to be educated. I need to take them.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“There's growing a growing body of research about the power of nature. When we are in green spaces, it calms us down and our immune systems work better. In fact, the immune system is about 50% more effective. When you spend two hours out in nature, your immune system is about 50% more effective. The number of T cells, killer cells you have is like 50% more. for several weeks afterwards. That's how important nature is, how effective it is. Isn't that amazing? So we know that children need to be in nature and adults need to be in nature and we all need to be nature more often than we are. It helps to see nature, even if you can't be in it, but it's seen as screensaver of trees is a very minor positive blip in your system, whereas being out in trees is a very big positive blip in your system, you know, driving past them will be a small.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Necessarily remember. I mean, I don't know about you, but I have gone out of the house and forgotten something that I had to add at the last minute that I was going to bring, like water from the fridge because I didn't have anything on my backpack saying that I was going to bring it, you know, and even though my briefcase was all packed, I didn't have that thing in it, right? That for some reason had to be added at the last minute. My phone charger, whatever. We've all done that. So just to say, you know, we've all done this. No blame, no shame, hun. We've all done this. What's a solution that you could use? to have a built-in reminder for yourself that isn't your dad”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Else because it's hard to bend in that situation. You know what, sweetie? We're a solutions, not blame family, right? So I'm not blaming you, but it is your responsibility to take your lunch. So let's look for a solution that will help you next time. Your kid will probably say, I think the solution is for you to remind me and you laugh at that point and say, I hear you. Wouldn't it be great? But you know what? You're capable of developing the skill of remembering your own lunch. I've seen you do it. I know you're capable of it. And I will support you to develop that. I'm not going to be your memory for you because for the rest of your life, I'm not going to be there for you to be your memory for a small task like this. So what solution could we come up with that would make it easier for you to remember your lunch in the morning? And then you go back to, you know, if they have a backpack that's packed and they don't have a reminder on it, it says lunch.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yeah, I did know you were stressed out, honey. I knew it was a stressful day for you. And when it's stressful, it's really nice to have extra support. And I try to support you in any way I can. And I didn't give you the support of reminding you about your lunch. That's just a given, that it's your job to get your lunch, even when you're under stress. I'm really sorry that you forgot it. I'm so sorry you went hungry. Now, you're not trying to make them say uncle. You're not trying to make them admit that you're right. You're just, you're saying, yeah, I am sorry that I do try to support you when you're under stress. I'm sorry you're under stress. I'm sorry it made you forget your lunch. It's hard when we're under stress to remember even things that are a routine for us. It can be hard to remember things that, you know, to remember things that even that we would think we would remember. I'm so sorry that you didn't remember. I don't think it was my fault and I hear how you wish you could blame someone.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“didn't remember and it's my fault huh and your kid will probably look a little sheepish because you've just made clear what's saying and say yeah it's your fault you knew i was stressed out you knew i was really stressed out getting everything ready to go today because of xyz and you didn't remind me”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“So, I would say it is never about blame. And if you want children to take responsibility, it's a good idea to create a household that is no blame. You could call it a solutions, not blamehouse. We're a family that looks for sombre lane. So I would start there as a premise. If it's about blame, why would any of us, listen, I would work as hard as I could to get out of blame if I felt like I was just getting blamed? But if it were a matter of I was empowered to find a solution, I'll take responsibility for anything because then I'm in control of making it better for myself for the future, right? the lunch on the counter your nine-year-old or eight-year-old comes home and they say I forgot my lunch I didn't have my lunch And you say, oh, I'm so sorry, hun. You must have been hungry. It's your fault. You didn't remind me. Wow. Wow. You think it's my fault. Notice you're just restating here. You think it's my fault because I didn't remind you. I made your lunch and I put it on the counter and usually you take your lunch and you put it in your bag. But I didn't say anything about it, even though I never say anything about it. And usually you remember. But today you...”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And it's the same thing with Remembrance Lunch, right? Or any other skill. So we're very involved in the beginning, but it's their job to master it. And then we're not involved at all.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I don't have any problem with bringing them to lunch, but again, I would that night say, so you know, I thank goodness I was able to bring your lunch, but we're never going to go through this again. The truth is, I can mostly can't bring you your lunch. And it's not my job to, and it's not even my job to remind you. It's your job to bring your lunch. So let's come up with a system that works. And then you start training your child just as I described before. No shame, no blame. No, you should have learned this five years ago. Just right now we're going to start. You're going to learn how to do this and we're going to work together. And you play the same sort of like, you know, something obvious like potty training. We're very involved in the beginning and over time we're not involved at all.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Oh my gosh, I can't believe I forgot to remind you. All right. Well, I am really sorry about that. I'm so sorry you don't have a lunch. You may or may not, by the way, be able to bring the lunch to them. Maybe you're at work and you can't bring them the lunch, in which case you say, I am so sorry you're going to go without lunch today. We're going to come up with a system tomorrow, you know, starting tonight.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Me, the first thing to do is take responsibility if indeed you're usually the reminder. If they haven't developed this practice because you didn't help them do it, as I've just described, then you are responsible because you were the reminder. You were the reminder. It's sort of like if your partner always puts the gas in the car and you run out of gas, you really do have a leg to stand on when you say, and the car ran out of gas, I haven't put gas in the car in two years. You're the one who always does it. Why didn't you do it? Well, is it really their fault? No, you ran out of gas, but there's a way in which they're always the one who keeps gas in the car. Maybe they use it more often. Maybe there's some other reason. So you really are right in a way. You've trained yourself not to do that, not to notice, right? So your kid is right. You're the reminder. So if a kid said that to me and I realized I looked at that honestly and thought, well, it should be your responsibility, but honestly, I remind you every single day, no wonder you think it's my job. I would say, wow, you're right. I did forget to remind you.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And if it's the night before that they're packing their backpack, then something goes on the front of the backpack that reminds them about anything that's not in the backpack that has to be added at the last minute, like the lunch. So that morning, before they go out the door, if you notice that the thing is still on the backpack, the lunch reminder, you would stop before you got the door and go, does everybody have everything we need? And your kids are like, yeah, yeah. And you would say. So we have our backpacks we packed last night. That's all good. And what about any reminders for anything we had to add this morning? And your kid goes, oh, it's my lunch. And they race and they get their lunch. And over time, your kid is going to teach themselves to remember that their lunch goes in there. You should not be by the time they're eight or nine years old reminding them to get their lunch. This should be something certainly an eight or nine year old can remember their lunch and it's their job. And if your kid says to you, I forgot my lunch and you didn't remind me.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Well, let's take the launch as a great example because every parent has gone through that. The minute you notice that you're the reminder, I mean, you might bring the lunch for them when they're five without even thinking twice. But at some point, and I would say five is a great time if you haven't started already, you want to work with them to pack their backpack. What goes in your backpack? This goes your show and tell thing for tomorrow, your lunch, and then as they get older, a school book. So they are always working with you to pack their backpack.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I totally understand that. And it's your responsibility. I'm here to help you in any way I can to come up with a good system. And I'm willing to quiz you every day about whether you were able to maintain your system. Remember to bring your books home. But I'm not going to be your fail safe and fail safe wouldn't be the word. I'm not going to. Yeah, well, you're going to ensure your success ultimately because I won't be there when you're in high school and college to be able to go with your textbook with you. So now's the time to learn.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Responsibility, so it is your job to make sure that you don't forget your books. So it's only the beginning of fourth grade. I was willing to do it this time, but from now on, not going to happen. So how are we going to avoid this problem next time? And then the next time, they're probably still going to forget their science book. And at that point, you're going to say, oh, buddy, I'm so sorry. No, I can't drive you back right now. I know I could. I'm not going to. It's your responsibility and you didn't remember it. Remember we came up with the system. Sounds to me to make sure you have all your books at the end of the day. Sounds to me like you didn't use that system. But I'm betting after this. You're going to use the system. So what can you do? And maybe they're going to figure out that they can call other people and, you know, whatever that notes that they can refer to, whatever. And maybe they're going to just totally screw up the test. And maybe they're going to be angry at you about it. And if they are, you can say, I can see why you'd rather blame me than yourself.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“You might rescue them the first, right? The first time when they come home and they go, the nine year old says, and you say, hey, what's your homework situation? Book report and history test. Oh, you have history test tomorrow, huh? Yeah. Oh, so is it for the chapter you've been doing on colonialism or whatever it is? And the kit goes, yeah. And then when they go to sit down and work on it, they realize, oh my goodness, I forgot my history book. And you say, oops, wow. That's a big stake. I'm not even sure we can get into the school now. How are you going to solve this problem? And your kid's going to start trying to solve the problem. They might think you should drive them back to the school and they should try to get into the school. And the first time it happens, I would even do it, but probably never again. And I would be pretty clear about it. Wow. Thank goodness we were still able to get into the school. Thank goodness I had the ability to drive you back today at the time. But you know what? I want to let you know.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“But the five year old is not probably think about the boots themselves, usually. Whereas an eight or nine-year-old could consider that, yes, boots, it's raining, boots are a smart idea. But is that a habit yet? Right? I mean, some people don't use umbrellas. They just don't have the habit of using umbrellas, and it would never occur to them to take an umbrella, right? Other people are in the habit. Every time it rains, they grab an umbrella, right? So part of it is their habit of, oh, it's raining. What's the checklist for things we do when it's raining? The checklist is wear our rain boots and we grab an umbrella maybe, or we put on a raincoat, right? So do your kids have that checklist? Most eight or nine year olds would need help with that checklist depending on how much it rains where you live, right? So it's age appropriate that you had to remind.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yeah, that's a great question. And I was using responsibility in the emotional sense of stepping up and taking responsibility for your end of an altercation. You're right, it's about stepping up and take responsibility for every action you take. And ultimately, if you want a good life, it's about taking responsibility even for the thoughts you have because the thoughts create the emotions. So if your thought is, just to finish that last point, if your thought is my partner is being a jerk or my partner often is a jerk, you're going to have a very different relationship than if your thought is, wow, we always have a hard time when we're leaving the house because of X, Y, and Z, but we could solve those things, right? Very different. If we work at it together as a team, right? Very different. So responsibility for themselves, as in wearing boots. So age appropriate? Yes. So first of all, a five-year-old doesn't care if their feet get wet. So they're going to resist putting on their boots unless they love their boots and it gives them permission to stomp in the puddles and then they'll be thrilled about the boots, right?”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And unworked out grievances where you basically think your partner was acting like a jerk and you were right. And that's the brick. The brick is a judgment that it's all their fault. And next time you have an altercation, it will be worse because you didn't actually work this one out. When you say stuff, what if you just suppress it? Suppressing conflict does not work, but also expressing conflict as an attack on the other person doesn't work. What works is taking responsibility for everything you can take responsibility for in your end of it and having compassion for your partner, which opens the door to them being able to have compassion back and to take responsibility for their end of it.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Know we're going to have blow ups. That is fine. And as they're getting, maybe not in the car, but as they're getting out of the car, they might squeeze their partner's hand and whisper, I'm sorry. Or they might not whisper, I'm sorry. They may just squeeze their partner's hand and say, let's have a good time, okay? And that's that, right? And then it's swept under the rug. It's forgotten about. But what happens there is that you're putting a little brick in a wall between you and your partner, a wall of unexplored”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Because you're not, you know, I totally understand not knowing how to make it better. I understand being in that car and not knowing what to say or feeling furious. Like, how come he always attacks me for this one? I'm always the one who pulls the weight around here. Or the other person saying to themselves it's not because of those things. It's because she put on her makeup for 20 minutes or whatever it is. And they're still holding a grudge against each other. I understand being in that position, but if that's where you find yourself, then you need to do some work on that because holding the grudge will erode your relationship. Now, you said what about suppressing it? A lot of people don't know how to work out conflict in a constructive way, so they just swallow it. They just remind themselves, this is my partner I love.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“This person did the attack and didn't take responsibility for it. Either way, the parent is not taking emotional responsibility and the child sees them as not completely trustworthy. So the child can still have a good relationship with that person, but maybe the child feels they need to protect this parent in the future from the other parent. And that's a responsibility your child should not have. Or maybe the child sees this parent in the attacking and they don't totally trust this parent not to attack them sometime, right? So it's going to affect your relationship with your child. That's one thing. Of course, you're also modeling a less than constructive way of relating to a partner for your child, right? And of course, you're undermining your marriage or other partnership.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“So they feel something. We know they feel something, but they're not modeling for their child how to work that out. So the parent-child relationship is eroded a little bit because the child sees that parent as not completely emotionally trustworthy. This parent is capable of attacking the other parent. Or this parent lets themselves be attacked and doesn't stand up for themselves and doesn't try to work things out. This person is somewhat powerless and at the mercy of relationships.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And then maybe you say, hey, who's up for music? What kind of music do we want? You switch the subject. But your kid's got that there's proactive things they can do and that their parents are not, because if you just don't mention it again, your kids don't know how that gets resolved. They don't have any role modeling.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“What are your kids learning? Wow, some people get frustrated. Sometimes people get frustrated. They raise their voices at each other, but they can make up. They can be reasonable. They can extend the hand of peace. They can apologize for their part of it, even if the other person is still stewing. And if the other person is still angry and doesn't know how to respond at that point and doesn't, you can say, I can see you're still angry about this. I know we'll work it out later. We'll make a plan to work it out when we get home right now. Let's just have a good time. Okay. We're going to get there a little bit late. It's going to be okay. We're going to all be okay. Our host won't mind or whatever. You know, you make it less of an emergency.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“What I saw that had to be done so we could work together. So it doesn't matter which person you are, whether you attack the other person or you were a felt attack, it doesn't matter. The thing to do is to extend an olive branch and say, I'm sorry for my contribution to this. And part of it is the exact thing. I listed the exact things you're saying, but Richard about the content. But part of it is also I'm sorry that I got frustrated with you. I'm sorry I acted like it was.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Got worried about being late. And if you're the other partner and you're still the first one to speak, remember, because you're the one who has the ability to take care of this because you're the one who's thinking about this issue because we're talking about it and who will use it next time it happens at your house. You could be the other partner and you could say because even though you got attacked women, which partner is which you could be you could be the partner who's who first thought that the person had done the wrong thing and you could say you're the partner who in fact was doing all these things You could say, I'm really sorry that I wasn't ready to leave the house when you said I knew we were trying to get out of the house at 530 and you're right that I was still doing things five or ten minutes later and we got out of the house late those things were important to do. I'm sorry I didn't think to communicate with you about them half an hour before so we could work together on them and I'm sorry I attacked you for not working with me on them. I should have clearly expressed the list”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“One parent yells at the other one, and now we're gonna be late. Why do you always take so long to do XYZ? And the other one says, well, if you would just help get us ready to get out the door, I'm the one who had to go around and lock the house and make sure the dog was fed and get the apple pie that we're bringing to the dinner. And the kids are hearing this altercation. It's really important that once you're in the car, you're driving, you take some deep breaths, one of you says to the other one in front of the kids or in the back seat, I'm really sorry for my contribution to getting out of the house late. Now, it could be either partner. It could be the partner who says, you're right that I don't think of things like wrapping the pie and saran wrap or I knew it was made. I didn't think about it or, you know, getting the dog fed or, you know, whatever. And you always do. I really appreciate that you handle those last minute tests. I'm sorry I lost my temper. I just.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Well, we are still learning the answers to that question, but here are a few things we know. One thing we know is that when there are raised voices, children's blood pressure and adrenaline shoot up. And that's true of babies also, even if they're nonverbal, shoots up. And includes babies who are asleep. They hear loud voices and they get worried. So if there's ongoing conflict in a home or just ongoing raised voices, children will become more anxious and more challenging because they're more anxious. So conflict is not good for kids. When kids do see conflict, that's fine. You don't have to have a home where they never see any conflict. But then you want to work out the conflict in front of them. So if possible, you want to work it out at that moment. where you're trying to go somewhere and”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“To take charge and be a good guy and take care of her, and it actually wasn't what she needed at all. She just needed to be allowed to have her feelings. And maybe some of it came from his own discomfort with those big emotions. Maybe as she was venting, it made him feel like, wow, here's my usually sweet, calm partner. And she's like venting and yelling and she's so upset about this. And like, this makes me really uncomfortable, right? Might even be pushing old buttons for him. So we all, when we get uncomfortable with someone else's feelings, that's when we handle them in and not necessarily constructive way. And the rule of thumb, whether you're dealing with an adult or a child, is always to accept the person's feelings as they are, to allow them to remind yourself it may not be permanent the feelings. It probably isn't, and they're allowed to have whatever feelings they have, and it will be so much.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“that they will vent to their partner and their male partner will suddenly will just immediately start to problem solve. And they didn't ever want him to problem solve. And it makes them feel like they're incompetent. They just wanted a chance to vent. And that's true for children as well. Notice with the altercation, with the neighbor child, we aren't lecturing or solving her problem. We're giving her a chance to vent and then we're giving her a chance to solve it herself, right? to develop those skills that's what all humans want we don't want someone telling us what to do it makes us feel incompetent but notice why the male partner did that because he was anxious and he got to he could see clearly what she needed to do he thought and he might even have been right and he wanted to alleviate her upset he thought she would feel better if he just told her how to handle it but of course that came out of his own desire”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“find out the, you know, go get the data to present our position and to strengthen our position and schedule another meeting and have another person there who can back us up and whatever might be the way to go. So we need to, I think all of us notice our relationship with our own emotions. Again, back to self-regulation and notice that we can teach our children more constructive ways of being their best selves that much of which has to do with managing emotions and you're totally right that we have, we as adults, we just think about an adult friendship where someone makes acts as if what you're thinking or what you're feeling is not a big deal. You know, what we all want is just to be listened to. I hear from a lot of times, I hear from mothers.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“You know, humans humans are scared of emotion mostly. They don't have to be. Not all humans are, but most of us were not raised to be able to be friend our emotions. And at best, we see them as a necessary inconvenience. The truth is emotions are useful. Emotions are indicators of something. An indicator of something that matters to us or someplace we need to grow or someplace we need to change or something we want to change in the world around us that's not working for us. So there's nothing wrong with emotion. What's wrong is when we leap to take action without adding in the prefrontal cortex executive function that says, yeah, we're angry, but right now smacking that person we're having a meeting with is not the way to go. We need to take a different action, which has to do with, you know, XYZ because we're at work, right?”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I wonder what would happen then. Allows her to develop her reflective capacity. This is another skill building, right? After you do the emotions, after you accept the emotions, after you acknowledge, at some point you will help your child develop the skills they need to solve the problem. In this case, reflective capacity to consider, well, what would be the best thing to do tomorrow? So coaching is emotion coaching and it's also helping your child to develop the skills to basically be a person who can have a good life. That's coaching.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT