YouSaid · the spoken record

Laura Markham

lines on the record: 98
first: 2019-02-19
most recent: 2019-02-19
sittings or episodes: 1
sources: podcast

Every line below is reproduced as it was said and linked to the record it came from. Nothing here is summarised or generated. Directory · Search · Corrections

“You can just take a deep breath and say wow, you sound so angry at her. I guess it must really have hurt your feelings when she said that. And then she'll elaborate, and she'll vent, and she might say all kinds of things like I'm never going to be her friend again, and you can listen and you can say you sure are angry. Well, that must have really hurt. You feel like you don't even want to be your friend when she talks like that, huh? And then at some point, when she's calm down, you might even say, I wonder what will happen when you sit here tomorrow. And if she says something like, I'm going to tell her I never want to be her friend. Well, eh, she's not in a state of mind to think constructively about tomorrow, so it was a little premature, it turns out. But B, you can say, yeah, so you're still angry enough to tell her you don't even want to be friends with her. I wonder what would happen then. I wonder what would happen then. Notice you're not telling her what to do? You're allowing herdics.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“When their kids have big emotions, they think emotions are dangerous. They don't see how to help their child feel better again. They get scared because no one ever helped them with their emotions. If parents can instead train themselves to take a deep breath, remind themselves it's not an emergency, the child is just having a feeling it's not a permanent condition, the child's allowed to have feelings, that's part of how children develop unshakable self-esteem and resilience is that we allow them to have their feelings. And it's part of how you build a deep relationship with your child where they trust you with everything, anything, and they are open to your influence. It's by accepting all of their feelings. If you can remind yourself of those things, then at that moment, you can just get curious. You don't have to jump in with solutions. You don't have to tell her how to make things better with her friend.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Much I sacrifice for you or punishing. Time out for you. You know you can't speak to me that way. That's disrespectful. Time out for you, which is a punishment. So why don't parents emotion coach? Why do they instead respond to their child's emotions with shame or punishment or denial or distraction? It might be as simple as, you know, oh, you don't mean that. you know let's talk about your upcoming birthday party you know or something you know you oh that's that was just a little that was just a little scrape don't worry oh look at the cute you know birdie um whatever so why do parents do this instead of emotion coaching well one they haven't had modeling they don't know how to emotion coach but there's something more important and it's back to what we said in the beginning about self-regulation parents get anxious”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“When the child gets defiant and raises their voice at you and you threaten them with punishment, instead of acknowledging that it's in fact a communication from your child, wow, you want a new dad? You're showing me just how mad you are to say that, sweetheart. You can be as mad as you want. I'm going to love you no matter what, and I am always going to be your dad. I want to hear why you're so mad. And you're opening the conversation to real communication. That's coaching your child. You're reestablishing safety. You're allowing the feelings. And you're modeling that even when things get tense, we can always work it out. We always will work it out. We're family. And you're opening the door to communication as opposed to that's emotion coaching, as opposed to denying, you don't wish you had a new daddy or shaming, how could you say such a thing to me?”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Figure out how to best respond to the situation. Like, I wonder what you'll say to her when you see her, when you, you know, the next door neighbor who said the hurtful thing, I wonder what you'll say when you see her tomorrow and help the child to actually consider different options. That's called emotion coaching. But what Gottman found is that most parents don't do that. They'll say things to the child like, that's just a dog. There's no reason to be afraid or about the neighbor child. Oh, don't say such mean things about her. You know you two are thickest thieves. You'll be playing again tomorrow. So the second person and the first one with the dog, they both denied the child's feelings. They told the child it wasn't okay to have those feelings. Sometimes shame is used. That's just a dog. Be a big boy. You're a big boy. You're not afraid of a little dog. That's shame. So denial of the child's feelings? Shame. Sometimes there's punishment used.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“There's been some really wonderful research really starting 30, 40 years ago. Much of it was covered, much of the early research was covered by John Gottman in his book, Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child. But there's then much more sense that time and it's gotten more nuanced. But Gottman's huge finding was that parents tend to react to kids' emotions in not very constructive ways. There are parents who react in constructive ways. Those are the parents who say, you look frustrated. Let's take a deep breath and then we'll try again. Or a parent who says, that dog's bark is scary. I'm right here. You're safe. You're safe. It's okay. Or the parent who says, no wonder you're angry. When she said that, it really hurt your feelings. And then, in addition to acknowledging, the parent might help the child.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“In relation to the candy bars and the checkout line at the grocery store. He has to learn how to manage himself in relation to the children at the children's museum who all want the same toy he wants. Or the kids at the playground who all want to go backward up the slide or he wants to go backward and he doesn't want to share it. So he will have to manage himself over and over again in many situations. His motivation will come from us, but we also have to help him practice exercising that self-discipline so he gains the brain power to do it basically. And also so he learns the skills. If he's if we're talking about peers or sisters,”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And saying, Look how pretty. Oh look, these kids are working so hard on their sandcastle. Beautiful. Nice sandcastle. And then good sandcastle. No touch the sandcastle. No kick the sandcastle. And we move the child away. We might have to do that 10 times with our kid, but he's going to learn, oh, sandcastles are something we don't kick. You know, we can build our own sandcastles and knock them down, but we don't kick other people's sandcastles. And he's going to be motivated to do it. Again, building those neural pathways by the warm relationship with us. If we just all know, don't do that, he might stop because he's afraid. But then the minute our back has turned, he's going to be back to his old behavior, right? Because he has no motivation to go along with us. But if we have helped him learn why, and then we practice it with him over and over again, he learns how to manage himself in relation to sandcastles. Now, he has to learn how to manage himself also.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“It also means practicing, helping the child practice so they can learn certain skills because children need to practice over and over again. As I mentioned, you're building the neural pathways for self-discipline every time the child willingly gives up something they want for something they want more. So the child who really wants to you're at the beach with your two-year-old and they're running down the beach kicking everybody's sandcastles and knocking them down they're gonna love to do that but there's something they want more than to knock down the sandcastles they want a warm relationship with a parent and you can easily get between them and the sand castle and say oh no don't hurt the sand castle picking your child up looking or else getting down on their level holding them and pointing to the beautiful sandcastle”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Or at least somebody who doesn't have much brain power, right? So we're using rewards and punishment as opposed to coaching the child to be their best self. So when I say coaching, I mean a few things. First, I mean emotion coaching so the child can handle their emotions better. That's a big thing. But I also mean coaching by setting up the environment, which means maybe that thing we don't want our child to touch, we need to move away while the child's a toddler. Put it up high, you know. Maybe you don't wear earrings while when your child is 15 months old because they're going to grab at your earrings. You just stop wearing earrings for a while. You can put them back on when your kid's a little older. It's not a big deal, but coaching your child to not touch your earrings is going to be for a baby, you know, an 18-month-old, 15-month-old is going to be pretty hard. Maybe, so coaching means emotion coaching. It means setting up the environment.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“So I think that much of the time, if we haven't given any conscious thought to this, we find ourselves with a baby who's growing into a toddler who wants certain things, and we, here's this little human who we can't communicate with so well verbally, and who really doesn't have much prefrontal cortex, so he can't reason with them. And we don't really know what to do to get them to do what we want. So we just start using force. We pick them up when they go to a place we don't want them to go to. We say no, and then we start escalating, no, I said no, and maybe we slap their hand. No, don't touch that. Because we don't really know how to get our child to do what we want except through force. And some parents don't want to be that parent. So they instead use BROPS. They use rewards, you know. All of that presupposes that our child is an object to be manipulated.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“The other kids are going off to get high on Tuesday night. The kid says, you know, I'm going to party on Friday night. I got to study tonight. And she takes herself off to the library. That's a kid who's able to be self-disciplined because they've practiced it and they've built a brain that is more self-disciplined. That's about resilience as well.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Somebody who gives up what they want, which is to run off and be in touch with their friends on their screens after dinner instead of helping them with the dishes, they give that up for something they want more, which is to feel like a good person who contributes to their family. And ultimately, it's not just that that's good for their self-image, yes, and it's good for their life skills, yes, and their ultimate independence, yes, something else happens to them. They develop self-discipline and they develop resilience. They learn they can handle disappointment. They learn they can sit themselves down to do an unpleasant task. They learn that they can give up something they want in the immediate moment. For something they want more, and they build, that's actually building neural pathways between the prefrontal cortex and the limbic system. So they become better able to self-regulate. This is a kid who can go to college and when”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“If we have those negative feelings and they learn the world doesn't end, and they can do these things and come out fine in the end and everything will be okay, right? If we stop our child from growing resilience, it doesn't help them at all. Then we have unknowingly, unwittingly raised a child who doesn't have the grit to go after what they want in life and get it. That's a recipe for unhappiness. A recipe for happiness is to help our child over and over again choose to give up what they want at that moment for something they actually want more. And what they actually want more might be to, I'm trying to think of the examples that I've just used, you know, if they don't want to help with the dishes every night and we insist, you know, that's what we do in our house. We all work together. They become.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Loving and helps your child develop into somebody who feels good about themselves, right? And setting limits, same thing. You said doing things to make kids happy. You know, we all know that our two-year-old thinks that eating every cookie in the box and never eating a vegetable will make them happy. We all know that's not good for our two-year-old. There are many similar situations with 12-year-olds. It's the same”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Matter what it is that they want to be, maybe they want to learn to read or tie their shoes or ride a bike. Let's say we've got a five or six year old. It doesn't really matter what it is they want to do, but if they don't learn to do those things, they feel worse about themselves. So when you say not getting kids responsibilities, young children want responsibilities. They want to feel that they can do things to contribute. All humans want to contribute. We want to feel good about our impact on the world. And children are no exception. That's a need that they have. So getting kids responsibilities not in an ogre way like, you know, Cinderella clean the floor. You can't, you know, do your friends later, but more NA, we all contribute to the family way. And the research shows that kids who do contribute to the family do better. And there's a way to do that that is completely supportive.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Wow, that's such a great point, but it's a little bit heartbreaking to consider that because this would mean that there are parents who are loving, adoring parents who are unknowingly sabotaging their child's development. So a few examples. Children want to grow. They want to be competent to the world. Their self-esteem comes from two things. One is from feeling unconditionally loved and adored and valued and delighted in. But the second is from being able to get their needs met, to do things well in the world. All children need to do that. So the fact that we love them isn't enough. It's the foundation. But they need to be able to feel like they can learn to do something they want to do. If they can't ever learn to do something they want to do, why would, and it doesn't.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Do better in school, they do better with other people because they're not coming from a place of feeling not quite loved and valued. So all children need unconditional love, which takes the form of delighting in our child. So, you know, men and women, dads and moms need to do that for their kid. And if your way of being with your child, whether you're a dad or a mom, is to be a little more boisterous and a little more fun and a little more toss your kids around, great. Kids thrive on that, we know if your way of being is a little quieter, but you read to them a lot and you hug them a lot and you're calm and you're nurturing, that's great too. And I don't think it matters what gender you are.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“To take care of them, to protect them, to give them food and shelter and emotional love, physical love. We all children need those things. They need them from both parents. And I would say they need to be delighted in. It may be one of the most important things we can give our children is a sense of being valued, delighted in, just for who they are. When children feel that we adore them, when we delight in who they are, they feel a value. It isn't about having to perform in a certain way. It isn't about having to produce certain things like get their aid or, you know, be a considerate kid. Of course we want them to do well in school and we want them to be considerate. But there are love for them does not depend on that. Our love is unconditional. It comes before anything they actually do. And the paradox there is that when we give children unconditional love, they do much better.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And so, yeah, it's often feel a little left out there when there's a mom also in the picture in the same household. Dads will often feel left out and they'll feel like their relationship is not as close. I want to say that that changes as the child gets older, the hierarchy is less established and the child, it becomes a more nuanced set of relationships. So that does change always as the child gets older. But that's very common when kids are little. Often we don't have that situation where there are two moms or two dads. I mean, a mom and a dad. Sometimes they're two dads, sometimes there are two moms. Sometimes there's one mom or one dad in the household. Sometimes kids go back and forth. So I think when you ask, is it different what kids get? All kids need the same thing from their parents. They all need to know that they are acceptable exactly as they are with all of their inconvenient feelings. Number one. Number two, that no matter what their parent will be there to help them.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Live together. And we learned that nurturing is really important, that playing with the child, being playful is really important, that really parents both bring something important to the table there. And it is natural, I will add, for children to have a hierarchy of attachment objects, people. So it is natural for a child who lives with both parents to have one parent who they select as being the one that they will most go to when they're hurt because they know that parent is their comfort object. And, you know, it's completely, it's designed by biology that says, you know, don't waste time wandering around the tribal circle, finding your aunt or your grandfather, go straight to Mani. She's the one who nursed you. She's the one who, you know, when you're most, she may be stirring the soup pot half the time while you're cavorting around with other people, but when you're hurt, she's the one to go to as an example. However,”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yes, I forgot that part of your question. Yeah. So I think that the research shows that moms and dads are often different in the way they relate to children. When there's a mother and a father in a household at the same time, often the mother is the more tender nurturing parent. The father is the more playful, exuberant parent. The mother is the one who moves the child through the schedule. So she's often the disciplinarian. But the father might not spend as much time around the child, might not even have the same history of having worked out problems before or even moved the child through the routine and might have less patience with the child. And so might lose their temper more easily. That's sort of the stereotypes when parents”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Then again, that's a values decision. Are they allowed to break that? That some child is going to be disappointed that they had a date because they got a better offer. You know, that's a question. And then when they're 12, do they get your discouragement or your encouragement when they suggest So that's a values question, right? So how we relate to them will and sort of how we make all of the decisions in daily life will shape who they are in very visceral ways that they can't articulate, but also who they are in terms of how they show up in the world for the rest of their lives based on their values, who they think themselves as being.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Than other kids who just it's either okay or it isn't okay. But as they get older, they're building on those. And learning how to have I said earlier, they're learning, they're not just learning, they're neural. Laid down in their own brain and body based on the interactions they're actually having. They're learning how to be. And then as they get older, they're modeling themselves after. And they're having conversations that are about values. Four-year-olds have conversations with us about values. We just know that's what's happening. When they say, I don't want to go to her birthday party. And we say that she came to your birthday party. You have to go. Question, but you know, then when they're Don't want to go on I want to change that play date and go with somebody else. House, they had better treats”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Experiencing. So as they get older, they build on that relationship. Sometimes parents change dramatically and children will change their working model of that relationship. It's good for kids to have more than one. Interact with or more than one close person. It could be a grandparent, it could be a nanny, it could be a teacher who stays in their life for a long time Than a year. But children. Based on every important relationship, and therefore, we know And it gives them more depth of different ways to act. So in one relationship, they may know that the other person has a harder time with them being angry, but in the other relationship that parents find when they're angry. Is okay, and it's a it varies based on different people. They may learn something about how to express the anger.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Well, as I said, it's a relationship parenting. It's not a set of strategies. So if it's a relationship, that's what the We know That babies as young as 14 months have formed an opinion about every adult who's important to them and whether that adult is trustworthy. And by trustworthy, Will that adult comfort them when they're upset? Will that adult accept the full range of feelings the child has, which includes not just needs Old anger is the child allowed to be angry with you? Is the child allowed to be who they are? And that includes be who they are minute. Their needs met, not every desire, but their needs met by the parent. And we know the kids, as I say, as young as 14 months, have already”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“You know, but because you're hurting their body. But I do think that there are ways to say, hon, I know you want to be on, you know, playing computer games during the week. It's not going to happen. You need to focus on your studies. On the weekend, after your school work is done, I have no problem with your playing computer games, but it's not going to happen during the week. And your kid is going to say, no, if you loved me, you would let me. You're saying, you know what? I'm doing this because it is what's best for you, and I totally get why you're disappointed.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Somebody else, or and that doesn't include your family, like their sister, but it also includes running around at the restaurant and making the waiter nearly drop things or making the environment loud so other people who are there paying customers at the restaurant are looking like unhappy about the fact that they can't have a peaceful dinner. There are many ways in which we guide our children socially and interpersonally in our homes and elsewhere that will be really important for that child to become who they are. And we can do all of that in a way that sets clear boundaries but is coming from a loving place. And I don't mean I've had people say, oh, well, I lovingly spank my child. So I do think you do have to, no child is going to perceive that as loving.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“To get back at them for having done something wrong in the hopes that next time they wouldn't make that choice. You know, children, and this again gets to coaching, and we can talk about coaching more in a minute, but really we can provide guidance and make it stick with our children without being less than loving with them. Not that we are humans, not that we're perfect because we're humans, right? We're not going to be perfect. But our goal can be to function from a place that is not about who's right and wrong, but is more about the level of the heart where we're the leader and we're leading from our heart. And what matters is compassion toward our child, but also protecting and supporting our child to be their best self. No child is their best self if they spend all day on technology. No child is their best self when they go to bed at 11 o'clock at night. No child is their best self when we're letting them run roughshod over.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“With somebody else, they can get what they need without attacking the other person. That's a given. We want every playmate to learn it. Because when they're older, they're going to need to learn to get what they want in the workplace without attacking the other person, right? Or just in life or with their relationship if they have a partner. So it's the same thing for us when they're little, we can learn to set boundaries with the child without in any way attacking them and attacking them would mean attacking them physically, obviously, smacking them. But it also would mean punishing, causing pain to them in terror.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Right, it is completely possible to provide loving guidance to your child while you say no, while you set boundaries, while you enforce rules, we can do all that. And not only that, we need to do that. Children need protection. They need guidance. No two-year-old is ready to make all her own decisions. And no 12-year-old. Or even I would argue 15-year-old or 16-year-old is ready to make all of her own decisions. Of course, the older they get, you know, into the teen years, the more practice they've had, the more their prefrontal cortex has grown, the better executive function they have. But that doesn't mean that they don't need a back and forth with you. And still some guidance from you at that point. So I think that we need to learn, and I'll give you a parallel here. We want every child to learn that they can get what they need in a given situation that's an interpersonal situation.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yes, you're so right. There's so much going on there. And I do want to speak to the question. You just said books say that you don't want to be the boss of your child. So I think there's a lot of confusion among parents today about this. And I think that's because we don't have necessarily role models of adults who were able to be leaders in their homes, able to be nurturers, and still able to say no and provide clear”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Again, every time he gets defiant, I lose it. I'm going to take a deep breath here. I notice I'm getting angry, but I can choose what to do. There's no emergency. He's allowed to be defiant. He's a four-year-old. He's allowed to find he's a 12-year-old. And I can handle this in a constructive way.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“So, if we have a belief system that says children shouldn't raise their voices to their parents, which most of us have, and not only shouldn't, if they do, it's a dangerous situation, every time your child raises their voice to you, you're going to feel like danger signs are flashing and you're going to get, you're going to become afraid. No one likes feeling afraid. It's a vulnerable feeling. And we feel stronger when we're angry. So the response to fear in mammals is fight, flight, or freeze, right? Well, you're not freezing most of the time as a parent. Although some parents do. especially if they have abusive backgrounds, you're not running away out and leaving the room most of the time. You're going into fight. So when you're afraid that your child is raising their voice and it's making you anxious, the immediate thing that happens is you fly off the handle yourself. You go into anchor. And if you can notice the thoughts that are creating those feelings, you can nip those feelings in the bud. You can say, wow, he's getting defined.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“It doesn't help the child feel understood. Instead, they feel like you're judging them or they're under a microscope being analyzed, right? It doesn't shorten the emotional distance between. It lengthens it. No one wants to feel analyzed and no one wants to feel judged, right? So the studies that were done were done with adults, not with kids. And it's important that children feel understood. And it's great if the child can say, I'm getting angry. I'm feeling angry right now. Stop teasing me to their brother or even to you. I feel like you're being unfair, Daddy, but it's important that we don't apply this to children in a not very thoughtful way because then it actually will drive them further apart from us. That's about coaching kids. So we'll talk about that in a minute. But just in terms of our own self-regulation, it's important to notice what we're feeling. Yes. And I also want to add, our thoughts create our feelings.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Exactly, exactly. You are actually an adult and you can choose how to act on this. I also want to say that sometimes there's a very common trope in parenting name it to tame it that is applied to children. When your child is angry, if you tell your child they're angry, they'll be less angry. I find that's a not true. Most parents will tell you it's not true. If you say to your child, you're very angry. Your child will say, I am not angry”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And so I want to add a few important points about that. That labeling is just another part of shining the flashlight on it, right? Noticing what you're feeling. Otherwise, we're often just in the grip of what's going on. And the frontal cortex is not really engaged. The part of us that thinks, the executive function, we're just in the grip of anger. Whereas if instead we can pull the camera back a little bit and see ourselves there being angry and notice the feelings, right? And we say, oh, I'm feeling really angry. Then we have a choice of, okay, I'm feeling angry, but do I necessarily want to act on it? Notice I'm saying I'm feeling angry. I haven't said I am getting angry. I am angry because that implies that we're At the mercy of all anger, that anger is all we are at this moment. You're not just angry.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“There is research that shows that when adults label what they're feeling, it gives them more control over the emotion they have. And by control, I don't mean they repress it. I don't mean they just stop it down and pretend it's not there. It gives them the ability to notice the feeling, but not to act on it. It gives them more choice in the moment.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“There's no danger here. It's not an emergency. That interrupts the entire process, and I have a choice about how to proceed.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“It loses the power of the unconscious Contracted. So I have a choice at that moment noticing it to take a deep breath. No tragedy is going to happen if I don't correct my child at this moment. He's not going to turn into a 33-year-old bully. He's three. This is appropriate for a three-year-old who doesn't want to get out of the bathtub, discream at me in anger because he feels that something unfair happened, like he's the maid to get out too soon. So when he does that, I can stop. I can notice my body, the sensations in my body that tell me I'm having this feeling. I can name the feeling. I'm feeling so angry at this moment. I just want to smack this kid across the room. I want to grab him out of the bathtub and shake him. So noticing those feelings, huh? Take a deep breath.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yes, yes, you know, single parenting is so hard because the weight is all on your shoulders, but also because you don't have that other adult for perspective. So, you know, if you're just dealing with your three-year-old, soon you're going to act like a three-year-old. Whereas if you have another adult around, they provide sort of a check on that, right? So you're a little more likely to stay in adult mode. So how can we handle that? Well, I think the first thing is to acknowledge that no one's perfect. We're all learning and growing. And if you've stumbled onto some places where you lose your temper repeatedly, notice what's going on. Bring your conscious attention to it. I think of this as sort of going into the dark basements of our psyches with our flashlight. And the flashlight is our conscious attention. When we shine conscious awareness on anything, it begins to”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“But the feelings will swamp us. It's almost like PTSD works in the same way. It's an unsorted memory. So young children have a way of pushing our buttons on like anyone else.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“time before they hippocampuses online, which is the part of the brain that is the memory maker. Before they hippocampus is online, memories are made and stored in a more holistic, visceral way. So you can smell something that will remind you of your grandparents' house or in the case of one client I know, the basement where her mother put her when she was naughty. Or your mother's perfume and your mother's been to dead for years, but that perfume, wow, it makes you feel loved and cared about. So we can have a smell or we can hear a sound or we can have a feeling that reminds us of the feeling we had when we were three and our father roared at us and terrified us. And whatever is happening at that moment, we may not consciously have the access to the memory because they're not just filed in a straightforward way.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“You're so right, Shane, because I hear all the time from parents who are just fine in the workplace. Or even their teachers and their finding their people's children. So it isn't even just childish behavior that sets us off. Sometimes it's that our children push our buttons in a way nobody else could because those buttons were installed in childhood. And so when our child, when our two-year-old yells at us, I want a new daddy, you know, or you're not the boss of me or whatever, that's really more like a four-year-old's thing. But when a young child yells at us and is defiant with us, it brings up all our anxieties of when we were that age and we had those same feelings. And if we had done that, we might have been smacked across the room. So it brings up all of the unconscious stuff that we don't even know about from when we were one and two and three and four and five. Because the brain doesn't store memories in a straightforward way at that time.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“When we insisted it was time to get out of the bathtub or whatever. But in fact, if we react like it's not an emergency, yes, they do have to get out of the bathtub, but it's not an emergency. We can have a productive interaction about it. The child learns from us how first of all, they learn it's not an emergency. They learn how to communicate more constructively. And they learn how to calm themselves down when things were getting hot, but then in fact, they realized they could handle it in a better way. So our ability to self-regulate might be the most, might have the most impact on who our child turns out to be than anything else we do.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Interaction with the parent. Now, all repeated experiences will shape the brain, but when you think about it, what is a baby's repeated experience? Most of it is interactions with the parent. So even, and so of course that's true for babies and how their brain takes shape based on our brain and how it functions and our neurology. But of course, pretty soon kids are consciously interacting with us, aware of what goes on between us, modeling themselves after us, learning about the world, learning about how relationships work. And if we're the kind of person who can stay calm or notice we're getting agitated or anxious or angry, frustrated, if we're the kind of person who can notice and we can stop and calm ourselves down, our child sees that and a few things happen. One is they learn it's not an emergency. It may have seemed like an emergency to them.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Well, the research seems pretty clear that what matters most in how kids turn out is who we are as parents. It's not a set of strategies, right? It's a relationship in every relationship comes from two people having that relationship. And in our case, we're the guidance. We're the role model. We're the already mature brain, not that we're not still learning and growing. We are, but we are the ones who set the examples for our child to grow, but also on a biological level, our children are born with very incomplete neural systems. And so their limbic system, which is the old word for the emotional parts of the brain and neurology, that limbic system is born pretty unfinished and takes shape in interaction.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“That's a kid who's able to be self-disciplined because they've practiced it and they've built a brain that is more self-disciplined. That's about resilience as well.”
2019-02-19 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #52 Dr. Laura Markham: Peaceful Parenting with · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT