YouSaid · the spoken record

Sheila Heen

lines on the record: 127
first: 2021-09-15
most recent: 2021-09-15
sittings or episodes: 1
sources: podcast

Every line below is reproduced as it was said and linked to the record it came from. Nothing here is summarised or generated. Directory · Search · Corrections

“And I wonder whether you understand whatever it is you need to say. I wonder whether you see me this way because that would be upsetting or whether it's just what you worry about. And so I think you can use that language of a part of me just wants to go to sleep and a part of me feels like if I stay silent, I'm replicating. Silence, I had to hold as a kid sometimes. That doesn't feel good for us either. Or there's a part of me that wonders whether this is going to work because I I think we got to figure that out So, whatever it is that's the part that won't let you sleep.”
2021-09-15 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #532: Sheila Heen of The Harvard Negotiation Project — How to Navigate Hard Conversations, the Subtle Art of Apologizing, and a Powerful 60-Day Challenge · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“So you're basically flooded, and her story about you is sort of the worst possible version. At least it is when it's me. You're selfish and a jerk, and don't care about me. On the back end, I wonder whether the internal family systems ifs. Work might be helpful. It's related to the AND stance, which we talk about in difficult conversations, which is, look, there's a part of me that just wants to go to sleep and thinks you're right that I should have consulted you knows that you're right. And there's a part of me that feels like I do want to stick up for myself a little bit.”
2021-09-15 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #532: Sheila Heen of The Harvard Negotiation Project — How to Navigate Hard Conversations, the Subtle Art of Apologizing, and a Powerful 60-Day Challenge · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“So she's doing a good job of caveating it to say like, I know that I'm just making this up. And at the same time hearing it can't be easy. So just. The story I make up. Maybe it is helpful, but she might get further with you if she just said. You made that decision without consulting me at all, and I was both surprised by it, dismayed. I wondered whether you I had nothing else I needed to do, or why you did that, especially since you know that that bothers me. That might be easier to respond to because she's not speculating about your intentions, which are actually invisible to her.”
2021-09-15 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #532: Sheila Heen of The Harvard Negotiation Project — How to Navigate Hard Conversations, the Subtle Art of Apologizing, and a Powerful 60-Day Challenge · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I might suggest that if she focused more on the impact on her rather than. Your why you were doing what you were doing, even though she says this is a story makeup, this is a story makeup about why you're a horrible person. You want to escalate a conversation speculating about why the other person did what they did is one of the most reliable ways to make them defensive and angry. Yeah.”
2021-09-15 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #532: Sheila Heen of The Harvard Negotiation Project — How to Navigate Hard Conversations, the Subtle Art of Apologizing, and a Powerful 60-Day Challenge · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Really good at it. And with that, she's buying space to dump her internal voice into the conversation. She's saying why you're doing what you're doing, it sounds like as part of it usually. You don't care. You made a lot of decisions because you don't think about me.”
2021-09-15 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #532: Sheila Heen of The Harvard Negotiation Project — How to Navigate Hard Conversations, the Subtle Art of Apologizing, and a Powerful 60-Day Challenge · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Well, so maybe I'll make an observation about her startup and then an observation, maybe an option for your decision point. So her startup is so skilled, like this is the story I make up.”
2021-09-15 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #532: Sheila Heen of The Harvard Negotiation Project — How to Navigate Hard Conversations, the Subtle Art of Apologizing, and a Powerful 60-Day Challenge · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Because in my household, there wasn't a lot of open conflict. My parents would think for a long time before they would come and then we would have a conversation. And I might get spanked, by the way. My grandmother gave my mother a board of education paddle. But it would never be done in anger. It would be done as a very deliberate choice to teach you something. And so there wasn't a lot of open conflict or harshness. My husband grew up just in a very different household where there was yelling and sometimes harshness. And so like you and your girlfriend, we make very different meaning out of those two things.”
2021-09-15 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #532: Sheila Heen of The Harvard Negotiation Project — How to Navigate Hard Conversations, the Subtle Art of Apologizing, and a Powerful 60-Day Challenge · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“So the meaning that you each make of a Tough, harsh, curt, whatever exchange is really, really different. And this is true, by the way. It's true with my husband who years ago when we were first married, my sister, my youngest sister, lived with us for six or seven months. And when she would leave a dish out, he would grab the dish and go to the bomb of the stairs. It was three floors, so like a condo, tall condo. And he would yell at the stairs, hey, stink bug. That's what he called my sister Stacey. Stink bug. Down here and take care of your damn dish. And like, that was so not my reaction. My reaction is. Pick up the dish, feel resentful, put it in the dishwasher, and seethe.”
2021-09-15 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #532: Sheila Heen of The Harvard Negotiation Project — How to Navigate Hard Conversations, the Subtle Art of Apologizing, and a Powerful 60-Day Challenge · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Well, I can survive this. This is okay. I don't feel unrespected or unloved in the personal context here. And I can put up with it because I have experience getting to the other side of it in exchanges with him and that that has grown her a thicker skin. And I don't know if that feels true for you also, which given what you've endured, I don't have time to get upset by smaller things”
2021-09-15 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #532: Sheila Heen of The Harvard Negotiation Project — How to Navigate Hard Conversations, the Subtle Art of Apologizing, and a Powerful 60-Day Challenge · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And it is hard, so you're looking for the exits is totally understandable, particularly given your childhood experience, to just find a way out that feels safer in terms of how you feel. And you know analytically you're not unsafe, but emotionally, it's all there. Who I adore. She and I had a really interesting conversation last year about growing up in households where there is yelling, criticism, et cetera, being really hard and also we were talking about the fact that getting yelled at doesn't tend to phase her. So she has the tolerance to stay in a situation for quite a while because she loves and adores her dad, but he was tough. He was harsh. And the meaning she makes of it is like,”
2021-09-15 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #532: Sheila Heen of The Harvard Negotiation Project — How to Navigate Hard Conversations, the Subtle Art of Apologizing, and a Powerful 60-Day Challenge · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“You know from experience that if you share the assertiveness part, you're back in for the next four rounds. Which is exhausting. And if I were you, I would be flooded that whole time, just emotionally, like adrenaline, cortisol, et cetera, which is not helpful before bed.”
2021-09-15 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #532: Sheila Heen of The Harvard Negotiation Project — How to Navigate Hard Conversations, the Subtle Art of Apologizing, and a Powerful 60-Day Challenge · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“There's so much. I'm speaking partly from my own experience being married to someone where we have very different norms for how harsh or direct to be. And so the fight For us, and I hear it a little bit in what you're describing, the fight is a little bit about what is the normal level of sensitivity or insensitivity. How thick should your skin be or my skin be? And you're struggling a little bit about the norms and the meaning you each make of them. And also in that moment of like, do I just shut up and try to sleep? But the problem is that my internal voice is saying like, I can't believe you brought this up right before bed. I'm not a bad person. You were totally overreacting. My friends would not be upset by this. And so the exchange is all empathy on your part and no assertiveness.”
2021-09-15 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #532: Sheila Heen of The Harvard Negotiation Project — How to Navigate Hard Conversations, the Subtle Art of Apologizing, and a Powerful 60-Day Challenge · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Should have heard what I wanted to say. Yeah, right. If you thought what I said was harsh, it was much less harsh than what I wanted to say.”
2021-09-15 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #532: Sheila Heen of The Harvard Negotiation Project — How to Navigate Hard Conversations, the Subtle Art of Apologizing, and a Powerful 60-Day Challenge · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Is that you fill in the blank because you wanted or couldn't stand blank, blank, blank? Is that what the story sounds like?”
2021-09-15 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #532: Sheila Heen of The Harvard Negotiation Project — How to Navigate Hard Conversations, the Subtle Art of Apologizing, and a Powerful 60-Day Challenge · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Okay, so hold on. When she says, I'll be her. Can we set a time to talk? And then what do you, yeah, right? You say sure. What are you thinking to yourself? Feel”
2021-09-15 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #532: Sheila Heen of The Harvard Negotiation Project — How to Navigate Hard Conversations, the Subtle Art of Apologizing, and a Powerful 60-Day Challenge · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Say what she says and then switch roles and say what you say back because this will give us the rhythm of it even better than the analysis. So how does it start”
2021-09-15 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #532: Sheila Heen of The Harvard Negotiation Project — How to Navigate Hard Conversations, the Subtle Art of Apologizing, and a Powerful 60-Day Challenge · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And for those of us who have been in really long, we were arguing about them five years ago and 10 years ago. So it's more about the ways in which we're different and how we manage that. And so if you're feeling like Gotta add something. It may be that you feel one of those two things either the impact on you isn't acknowledged maybe three things. Impact on you doesn't feel like it's acknowledged. You don't feel like she's owning her part, her contribution to the problem. And or you just want to know that she knows that you had good intentions and that you weren't trying to be a jerk because that would be against sort of the story you tell about who you want to be in the world, in the relationship. I don't know. What do you think about all of that?”
2021-09-15 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #532: Sheila Heen of The Harvard Negotiation Project — How to Navigate Hard Conversations, the Subtle Art of Apologizing, and a Powerful 60-Day Challenge · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“An identity point of view, you want her to understand that you had good intentions and weren't trying to hurt her or upset her or whatever. It might be that you feel she also contributed to this and you don't feel like she's taken responsibly for her part of it. And in ongoing relationships, personal or professional, part of what's hard is that you know this drives me crazy and you did it again, even though you just apologize for it a week ago. Maybe your apology isn't real because you're still doing the same thing. And that's the wrestling. I mean, John Gottman and his marriage studies suggest that two-thirds of what we argue about today, we're still going to be arguing about five years from now.”
2021-09-15 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #532: Sheila Heen of The Harvard Negotiation Project — How to Navigate Hard Conversations, the Subtle Art of Apologizing, and a Powerful 60-Day Challenge · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Maybe you do Because if you're still feeling unsatisfied, like there's more here that is at the heart of it for me that doesn't feel like it's been acknowledged, you might have done a great job of acknowledging her or the impact on her finally, she would say. And there's something that feels unfinished for you. So sometimes it's that.”
2021-09-15 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #532: Sheila Heen of The Harvard Negotiation Project — How to Navigate Hard Conversations, the Subtle Art of Apologizing, and a Powerful 60-Day Challenge · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“For at least. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, and the 15 minutes maybe gives you perspective on whether you need to say it, but I don't want to actually accept that you don't need to say it.”
2021-09-15 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #532: Sheila Heen of The Harvard Negotiation Project — How to Navigate Hard Conversations, the Subtle Art of Apologizing, and a Powerful 60-Day Challenge · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Whatever we contribute to the problem. And they also want us to really see and care about the impact that it had on them, to really fully understand it, rather than to explain it away or continue to believe that it was their problem. And maybe those are the two key elements to an effective apology.”
2021-09-15 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #532: Sheila Heen of The Harvard Negotiation Project — How to Navigate Hard Conversations, the Subtle Art of Apologizing, and a Powerful 60-Day Challenge · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Something that you've contributed to the problem and that you're acknowledging the impact that it had on them. So that third piece of what happened story is about why are you acting this way and the advice, the shift in that category is from, I know why you're doing what you're doing or the flaws in your character that are probating intentions and impact, which is that it's quite possible and most of the time we had good intentions or we had no intention. We just weren't thinking about it. And it had a bad impact. And I think that when someone feels we owe them an apology, maybe they want two things. Maybe they want us to sort of own and take responsibility for.”
2021-09-15 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #532: Sheila Heen of The Harvard Negotiation Project — How to Navigate Hard Conversations, the Subtle Art of Apologizing, and a Powerful 60-Day Challenge · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Which is basically you shouldn't have felt that way. And what I did was completely reasonable, so the problem is still you and your oversensitivity. I think that part of what makes an apology meaningful is that you are genuine in owning”
2021-09-15 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #532: Sheila Heen of The Harvard Negotiation Project — How to Navigate Hard Conversations, the Subtle Art of Apologizing, and a Powerful 60-Day Challenge · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And that suddenly made me think, oh, that's actually probably a piece of it, which is if I'm apologizing for my own purposes to accomplish my own purposes, Maybe that's antithetical to an apology. Could probably make a really cool list of the different things that make an apology less than apologetic or less than satisfying. So one might be it's really, can this be over yet Another that I often make the mistake of doing myself is, look, I'm sorry you felt that way.”
2021-09-15 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #532: Sheila Heen of The Harvard Negotiation Project — How to Navigate Hard Conversations, the Subtle Art of Apologizing, and a Powerful 60-Day Challenge · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“We are all in the remedial class, honestly, but I was just chuckling to myself because your frame was, the apology works.”
2021-09-15 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #532: Sheila Heen of The Harvard Negotiation Project — How to Navigate Hard Conversations, the Subtle Art of Apologizing, and a Powerful 60-Day Challenge · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Now you're sorry you brought it up, aren't you? Tell me more about how you think about apologies and what makes one good or bad, effective or Actually, ineffective.”
2021-09-15 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #532: Sheila Heen of The Harvard Negotiation Project — How to Navigate Hard Conversations, the Subtle Art of Apologizing, and a Powerful 60-Day Challenge · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I'm willing to own and be accountable for my contributions to this problem, that makes it more likely that you'll be willing to do that as well. And so a statement against interest is I might own my contribution up front. Look, Tim, we should have talked about this a while ago and I should have brought it up earlier because it's been bothering me for a while. So I apologize for that. But I wanted to talk about fill in the blank. Owning my part of it up front, which is often avoiding or delaying a conversation is really common contribution to a problem that is festering. Signals, this isn't about blaming. This is just about understanding what's going on and trying to make it better.”
2021-09-15 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #532: Sheila Heen of The Harvard Negotiation Project — How to Navigate Hard Conversations, the Subtle Art of Apologizing, and a Powerful 60-Day Challenge · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Talked earlier about not just taking your internal voice that's focused on blame and what you're right about and dumping it into the conversation. The shift from I'm right to why do we see this differently should also be accompanied by a shift from blame to what we call joint contribution. And joint contribution assumes, look, we each did things and they might have been totally reasonable things. Nobody did something wrong. But we each did things or failed to do some things that got us here. Don't have to be 50 50, but”
2021-09-15 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #532: Sheila Heen of The Harvard Negotiation Project — How to Navigate Hard Conversations, the Subtle Art of Apologizing, and a Powerful 60-Day Challenge · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“So a statement against interest is telling you something that if I was completely self-interested, I would not admit. Like that, that last answer was a little bit rambly and confusing. If you have the illustration, it's much easier to explain. So it's owning or admitting something that isn't in your interest. It might hurt you. An apology is a statement against interest in many cases. Reason that statements against interest can be so powerful is that it The fastest way in the research, it's one of the fastest ways to build trust between people because the other person thinks, well, I guess they must be being honest, because otherwise they wouldn't say that.”
2021-09-15 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #532: Sheila Heen of The Harvard Negotiation Project — How to Navigate Hard Conversations, the Subtle Art of Apologizing, and a Powerful 60-Day Challenge · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Unpack the lower rungs of the ladder to understand where we diverge. Was it that we each noticed the same thing, but we have different predictions about how that's going to go in the future or how big a deal it is and whether it's important enough that we have to address it right now. Those are interpretations. So part of what I'm listening for in a difficult conversation is I'm just trying to understand what do you see and how do you interpret it. We each have implicit rules about how the world is supposed to work. Do we have different implicit rules here? It helps me to put those pieces, puzzle pieces on the table and try to fit them together, understanding that some of them just won't fit and that's okay. That's okay. But now I understand why what you make of it.”
2021-09-15 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #532: Sheila Heen of The Harvard Negotiation Project — How to Navigate Hard Conversations, the Subtle Art of Apologizing, and a Powerful 60-Day Challenge · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Then one more rung up after data selection is interpretation. What do we make of it? How big a deal is it? Based on our past experiences, which probably are different, what does this represent or what do we predict about it? So we're reasoning and interpreting about it. And then we come to conclusions. And then when we get into a difficult conversation, we tend to trade conclusions. That was a great meeting versus that was a total waste of time. This is a good idea. That seems like a good idea, but we've tried it before and it's never going to work. So part of the reason that curiosity and understanding why we see it differently helps is that it helps us to”
2021-09-15 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #532: Sheila Heen of The Harvard Negotiation Project — How to Navigate Hard Conversations, the Subtle Art of Apologizing, and a Powerful 60-Day Challenge · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“The first rung of the ladder up, it's of the data available to us, we each select a tiny sliver of it to pay attention to. And so we might be in the same meeting, but I'm listening for the things that affect me and are going to ruin my weekend. And that's just not what you're listening for. You're listening for the things that are going to affect you and your weekend. So in some sense, we're attending different meetings in terms of what we're paying attention to and what we remember.”
2021-09-15 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #532: Sheila Heen of The Harvard Negotiation Project — How to Navigate Hard Conversations, the Subtle Art of Apologizing, and a Powerful 60-Day Challenge · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yeah, in chapter two, we talk about a tool that actually comes from colleagues of ours at the business school. Harvard Business School and MIT. Don Schurn and Chris Ardress created something called the Ladder of Inference. And it just maps the way that our brain's taken and process information. So at the bottom of the ladder is sort of all the data, all of the things we can directly experience. And so when I was telling the story about Ben, it's partly that he has information I don't have. It is actually available to me technically. It's just that I wouldn't tend to look there. So at the bottom of the ladder is what's available to me and what's available to others. And some data won't be available. I wasn't there when you had the conversation with the board member or whatever. So you have information I don't.”
2021-09-15 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #532: Sheila Heen of The Harvard Negotiation Project — How to Navigate Hard Conversations, the Subtle Art of Apologizing, and a Powerful 60-Day Challenge · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Because from where I sit as a white person in the United States, I see a lot, but there is a whole lot that I don't see or that I don't interpret the same way. And the idea that I've been missing things all these years and not seeing things that have been systematically unjust violates my sense of identity. And I feel ashamed and yet that shame shouldn't keep me from learning more about what else I don't see. And I think that's one of the reasons those conversations are so hard and so important.”
2021-09-15 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #532: Sheila Heen of The Harvard Negotiation Project — How to Navigate Hard Conversations, the Subtle Art of Apologizing, and a Powerful 60-Day Challenge · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And when you're in the front seat position of leadership, and I've got the, I've been driving for however many years at that point, I've never had an accident. I've got the resources. I've got the map. I've got the view of the road. And somebody in the backseat pipes up to say something doesn't make any sense at all. It's just so easy to dismiss it and move on rather than to say, okay, that doesn't make any sense. Help me at least understand what you're looking at. Because often people on the back seat can see something coming at you that's going to sideswipe you because they're closer to the customer. They're closer to suppliers, et cetera. And I have to say that that experience is also coming back to me these days as I think about the conversations that we're having about race.”
2021-09-15 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #532: Sheila Heen of The Harvard Negotiation Project — How to Navigate Hard Conversations, the Subtle Art of Apologizing, and a Powerful 60-Day Challenge · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Out, just think about the conversation from his point of view. He's looking at the light, it's green. I'm insisting that it's red. And he's like, you know, my mother seems bright in most other ways, but she's just wrong about this. And the reason that that experience has stuck with me all these years is that it's such a great illustration. The fact that where you sit determines what you see.”
2021-09-15 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #532: Sheila Heen of The Harvard Negotiation Project — How to Navigate Hard Conversations, the Subtle Art of Apologizing, and a Powerful 60-Day Challenge · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And yet, every time we come to a traffic light, he's still giving me opposite answers because I get a little obsessed with this. My second hypothesis, by the way, is that he is screwing with me, right? Which I certainly had some data to support. But it wasn't until this went on for about three weeks. It wasn't until maybe three weeks later, and I think my mother-in-law was in town. So I was in the back seat sitting next to Ben. And we stopped at a traffic light and I suddenly realized that from where he sits in his car seat, he usually can't see the light in front of us because the headrest is in the way or it's above the level of the windshield windscreen, as they say in Europe. So he's looking out the side window at the cross traffic light.”
2021-09-15 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #532: Sheila Heen of The Harvard Negotiation Project — How to Navigate Hard Conversations, the Subtle Art of Apologizing, and a Powerful 60-Day Challenge · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“We're stopped at the light, and I say, Hey, Ben, what color's the light? And he says, It's green. I said, well, Ben, we're stopped at the light. What color's the light? Take a good look. And he goes, it's green. It turns, he says, It's red. Let's go. Now, the kids seemed bright in most other ways. So I just thought like, what is going on with him? My first hypothesis is maybe he's colorblind, which then that would be my husband's fault. At least I thought at the time it was my husband's fault I've since been informed. It would have been my fault. So I start collecting data, right? I'm running a little scientific experiment of my own. And so I started asking him to identify red and green in other contexts. And he gets it right every time.”
2021-09-15 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #532: Sheila Heen of The Harvard Negotiation Project — How to Navigate Hard Conversations, the Subtle Art of Apologizing, and a Powerful 60-Day Challenge · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“So, yeah, I try to have a few questions in my back pocket to reach for because in the moment, of course, you don't feel like being curious at all. So help me understand what you're worried about or what might be at risk here. What am I missing? What am I missing is actually a great question, partly because they're going to be so thrilled to be able to tell you. They're going to take that invitation. But genuinely, they can see things that you can't. And I mean, it reminds me, I sometimes tell this story about my eldest son. His name is Ben. He's 22 now. But when he was about three, we were driving down the street and we stopped at a traffic light and we were working on both colors and also traffic rules because at the time we lived on kind of a busy street in Cambridge.”
2021-09-15 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #532: Sheila Heen of The Harvard Negotiation Project — How to Navigate Hard Conversations, the Subtle Art of Apologizing, and a Powerful 60-Day Challenge · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“What is wrong with you? That is like, I have a list of possible things wrong with you that I've collected over the years, but I'm just curious which one it is this time.”
2021-09-15 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #532: Sheila Heen of The Harvard Negotiation Project — How to Navigate Hard Conversations, the Subtle Art of Apologizing, and a Powerful 60-Day Challenge · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“So, why are you being so stupid as to be worrying about something? As long as you can step outside, see, oh, I'm not being curious right now. And I don't have to pretend that I agree to do it. I think that's really the key. And I don't have to say there's no truth, but from where I sit, I can only see some of the pieces of the puzzle. You have the other pieces of the puzzle. And we don't really putting those pieces on the table for discussion is how we figure out what we have to work with. And then at the end of the day, we still might not agree about this, but it might open up new options for how we handle it.”
2021-09-15 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #532: Sheila Heen of The Harvard Negotiation Project — How to Navigate Hard Conversations, the Subtle Art of Apologizing, and a Powerful 60-Day Challenge · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I am good and you are bad. That is what this is about, right? It's about who needs to apologize, whose fault this is, et cetera. As things escalate, your ability to just name that underlying dynamic sometimes makes the other person laugh and you can step out of it for a moment. And then that gives you the opportunity to say, look, obviously we've had this conversation several times. I'm not understanding why fill in the blank. I'm not understanding why what I'm suggesting doesn't make sense. Help me genuinely, help me understand that. Or I'm not understanding what. You're most worried about here. That often helps And it needs to be a genuine ask. You can't say, like, what are you worried about? Because that's really a hot question. It's like you shouldn't be worried about anything.”
2021-09-15 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #532: Sheila Heen of The Harvard Negotiation Project — How to Navigate Hard Conversations, the Subtle Art of Apologizing, and a Powerful 60-Day Challenge · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yeah, waving your baton around in a romantic relationship is not usually a successful strategy. You know, there are a lot of people who would find me very appealing. But one of the jokes that he and I make when we have the wherewithal to do it is like, why will you not just admit”
2021-09-15 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #532: Sheila Heen of The Harvard Negotiation Project — How to Navigate Hard Conversations, the Subtle Art of Apologizing, and a Powerful 60-Day Challenge · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Holiness, yeah. So laughter also in the brain just. Gives us a little bit of instant perspective that we suddenly see the absurdity of our own behavior in many cases. And so it's an invitation to just name what's happening. It's like a meta move. So for instance, with my husband who also teaches negotiation, by the way.”
2021-09-15 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #532: Sheila Heen of The Harvard Negotiation Project — How to Navigate Hard Conversations, the Subtle Art of Apologizing, and a Powerful 60-Day Challenge · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“You just don't get it and you won't listen. And the relationship starts to fray. So, what gotman is listening for are what are the indicators, right, that he's listening for that tell him which direction it's going to go. And one of them is that as a conversation gets heated and starts to escalate, one of the spouses will often make a joke. But the purpose of the joke is that it's an invitation to step outside this argument and to see it for what it is, to see what's happening, which is that this is the conversation we usually have and how it usually goes. And so often it's a little bit of an inside joke, but humor, by the way, I listened to your conversation with Anne Lamott, who I absolutely adore.”
2021-09-15 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #532: Sheila Heen of The Harvard Negotiation Project — How to Navigate Hard Conversations, the Subtle Art of Apologizing, and a Powerful 60-Day Challenge · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“An overview of just a connection to the question that you just asked. So he invites married couples into his lab and he invites them to talk about an issue that's stressful between them to have a difficult conversation essentially. Hooks them up to heart monitors and videotapes and all of that. And then he says that he can watch for five minutes and predict with their different numbers based on his different studies, but 90-ish, 90, 92% accuracy whether they'll divorce within three or five years. Part of the reason I name this is that for me, it really says it's not just that we have difficult conversations in our most important relationships. Those conversations are the relationship, that if we find a way to have them productively or constructively, then the relationship will thrive, whether it's a personal or a professional relationship and or is where we start to disengage.”
2021-09-15 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #532: Sheila Heen of The Harvard Negotiation Project — How to Navigate Hard Conversations, the Subtle Art of Apologizing, and a Powerful 60-Day Challenge · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“So, and so what happens is we ask quote unquote questions that are really disguised assertions, thinly disguised assertions. And you're much better off just saying, gosh, that seems crazy, but what do you see that tells you that that's true? And just naming that I actually don't agree or I can't imagine that. Pulls apart the assertion and just says it clearly, and then I can ask a genuine question, which is, but gosh, I mean, most of the time you're pretty smart guy. So why would you like help me understand that? And then my curiosity becomes more pure, more clean, actually. And so passive aggressiveness is actually unspoken feelings, frustrations, or assertions that then leak through us pretending to be curious.”
2021-09-15 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #532: Sheila Heen of The Harvard Negotiation Project — How to Navigate Hard Conversations, the Subtle Art of Apologizing, and a Powerful 60-Day Challenge · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“So, one of the things that we work on in our negotiation course at Harvard is separating empathy and assertion and being high on both in any given conversation. So you both want to be high empathy and curious, and you want to have skilled and clear assertion. Like, here's how I see it. Let me see if I can explain it in a way that is clear even to myself as I pull apart why I see it the way I do. The mistake that we make, and this is, I think, a little bit of what you're alluding to, is that sometimes we conflate those two. So I'll think to myself, I know I'm supposed to ask a question, so I'll phrase this as a question. Why would you think that? Which isn't really a question. Why would you think that is like that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard? With a question mark at the end”
2021-09-15 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #532: Sheila Heen of The Harvard Negotiation Project — How to Navigate Hard Conversations, the Subtle Art of Apologizing, and a Powerful 60-Day Challenge · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“To getting curious about why we see this so differently, so I don't have to pretend I don't think I'm right. I still think I'm right. But given how obvious it is that I'm right, what the hell is going on with you that you don't see it? That's really interesting. If I can get curious about that, then it actually shifts my purpose in the conversation. And the purpose of the conversation isn't to hit you over the head with how right I am. It's instead to understand why you see it so differently and why we see it so differently. So I need to show my part two.”
2021-09-15 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #532: Sheila Heen of The Harvard Negotiation Project — How to Navigate Hard Conversations, the Subtle Art of Apologizing, and a Powerful 60-Day Challenge · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“You're not following the script, and so I think the reason that understanding the underlying structure helps is that it gives you some landmarks. So no matter where you get dropped into the woods, you can think whether we're saying it directly or not, we're wrestling over blame and whose fault it is that we're in this situation. So that's the first reason that structure is helpful. The second reason it's helpful is that the answer isn't just to say everything you're thinking. The more transparent and aligned you can be between your internal voice and your external voice, the better. However, that doesn't mean you should just re-explain even louder why you're right and why this is their fault. You don't just dump that sort of toxic internal voice into the conversation. That's not going to help. Instead, the first negotiation is really a negotiation with yourself to move from being focused on what I'm right about and you're wrong about.”
2021-09-15 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #532: Sheila Heen of The Harvard Negotiation Project — How to Navigate Hard Conversations, the Subtle Art of Apologizing, and a Powerful 60-Day Challenge · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT