YouSaid · the spoken record

Sue Johnson

lines on the record: 149
first: 2019-07-23
most recent: 2019-07-23
sittings or episodes: 1
sources: podcast

Every line below is reproduced as it was said and linked to the record it came from. Nothing here is summarised or generated. Directory · Search · Corrections

“Well, I'm glad because that's why I'm talking to you because this is something that people everybody needs to know about that can be. Just on the level of hey no what we could create more secure families for our kids Wow even if you just stop there are you kidding?”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I think he's a bit busy. I think he's rather concerned with, you know, but, you know, it's like the promise of this is so huge. It takes my own breath away in my work. And that's why I'm still passionate about it. And people are over the world are passionate about it. You know, we train 3,000 mental health professionals a year in North America in our four-day trainings. We're in all the universities. We are still doing research. We have 70 centers all around the world. We're peddling as hard as we can to tell people about this. It has promise for mental health, it has promise for physical health, it has promise for our families, for our relationships.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Okay, there's a deep logic behind our emotions, there's a deep logic behind our needs. What you understand you can shape, you can shape relationships. And I want people to know that. And ideally before I die, I would like relationship education to be the norm in Canadian schools. I'd like the Prime Minister of Canada, hope he's listening, to ask me if I would freely donate my online hold-me-type program to the government so they could make it available to everyone in Canada. If that happened, I would fall on the floor and I don't know what I'd do, but like we have to tell people about this. This is ridiculous.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Community orientated, but I didn't. I just said, well, there you go. You know, like, I don't want to write this stupid article you want me to write because it's a waste of time. But, you know, it's. People need to know. You can shape your love relationships. Relationships make sense. There's a deep logic behind our emotions. This is about biology.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“So it's a hard message to get out in some ways. One lady from the New York Times told me I said, would you please tell me why you put this rubbish all over the New York Times about relationships, sensational rubbish? Could you please tell me why you don't think of putting all over your paper? We've cracked the code of love. We know how to do this now. We need to educate everybody about it. This is amazing. And she said, there's a long silence. And basically she said, well, it's not sensational enough. I said, are you joking? And then she said, well, people think it's just common sense. And I said, yeah. It's like common sense like everyone understands gravity. We understand it on the level of stuff falls down. But without understanding gravity, where would we be? We wouldn't understand anything. Like, are you kidding me? What I felt like saying was, it's because you have a lousy paper, but I didn't. I said, I felt like saying it's because you're not.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“No. I just want people to know. There is a science of love that science has changed our world in so many ways. You know, there's a science of how to take care of your teeth. There's a science of almost everything these days, you know, there's a science of love and relationships too. And I want people to know it exists and I want people to know the promise of it. And it's out there, but it's not something that anybody's making a huge amount of money from, so it's not marketed on front of the New York Times or in the magazines. And things that are marketed, big distractions like porn, the porn industry isn't interested in my message, you know, because I say that, you know, porn's just a trap. It's going down the rabbit hole. It's not going to meet your needs in the end. It's, right? It's making somebody. So this isn't making, this isn't highly marketable from the point of view of capitalism.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yes. And I think that matters. Well, I know I watch my son with his partner and I know that it's impacted him from watching us have because, you know, he doesn't catastrophe when something goes wrong in his relationship, it impacts him, but it's workable. He's seen that it's workable, right? That's really important.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I don't think it's what you talk to them about that matters. I think what you show them. What you show how you treat them and what you show them with your partner. That's what impacts kids. You can talk to them for hours. It doesn't matter. It's how you treat them, whether you help them understand bonding from the way you treat them, whether you help them understand their emotions or teach them that their emotions are to be hidden and not acceptable and something they're just supposed to get over. And it's how you show them how to relate. You know, I mean, my kids have seen me fight with my husband and make up. I think that's very important. I think my kids, some people say, oh, he was never fighting. Well, you're right. It's not a good idea to have huge conflicts all the time in front of your kids. Indeed, the research is that's not good for them. It freaks them out. But, you know, I feel like there's something very healthy about my kids have seen me and my husband really disagree and challenge each other.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“You can't get every single thing you need from a relationship. You don't have anything to bring into the relationship, right? It's like I think that's important, but I think that's more of a model about retirement than it is about marriage. But yeah, it's about transitions. And if people have a secure bond, they can manage those transitions because they're open and they can look at them together. When they don't have a secure bond, those transitions exacerbate all the distance.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And our expectations are changing, and I think we need to look at the whole idea of retirement, we might stop what we've been doing for years to make money. I don't do what I do to make money. I'm very privileged. I do what I do out of passion, right? And I'm privileged there. But we might stop what we do to make money, but I think we need a different model of growing old. I think we need a different model of aging. And we need to be able to say, if you're an intelligent, vibrant human being, What are you doing? Deciding to play golf every day at the age of 65. Are you kidding? Like you've got something to contribute. You've learned all kinds of skills. You've, you know, like no, society needs you. If you don't like what you've been doing to make money, find something you're good at and contribute and be out there in the world, you know, and so I'm with your parents. I think, you know, you.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Here's a huge transition, and I think it's personally, I think it's an issue, and maybe this is because I have personal things here, I'm at the point of my life where people are asking me if I'm going to retire and I feel like poking them in the eye, you know, it really annoys me, okay, because I am what I do, I love what I do, and I hope that I'm going to be doing what I do on the day before I die and retirement from my point of view is like, is asking me, you know, when am I going to give up doing this thing that really matters to me? It's like buzz off. It really annoys me. But I think that's a whole issue with retirement. Our lifespan is changing. We're no longer old at 65.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Exactly. And by the way, all my friends, didn't you see that my best friend, her mother, bought her a car? I said, Well, it's really interesting. I'm not buying you a car. Well, then you're the worst pair. You know, it's hard to be a parent. You have the support, it really matters, but I must say I think it's a tricky trap to get into by always putting your children first and always your children the best thing you can give your children is parents who know how to support each other and stand together and help each other. Not only that, but you give your children even something more valuable by doing that. You give your children a vision of what a good relationship looks like. Guide them for the rest of their”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And I see you, and I know how hard you're trying. And yep, I get mad too with him. Yeah, and well, I said, well, you're a guy. What's happening with him? And he said, Oh, well, you know, he's just changed friends at school. He's in a new group. And, you know, the friends in his new group are all cool. And if you watch him, he's doing the cool thing. He's Mr. Cool, you know, and what's cool is to tell your parents how boring and old-fashioned and weird they are and could you please and could they also please buy your car I thought those he would join those two things, or it'd be like he didn't see anything wrong with proving to us that we were the most boring parents ever. Oh, by the way”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“All I knew how to parent my son when he was a delicious little boy. I knew it was so easy, it was easy. And then suddenly, who is this pompous entitled adolescent? I don't even like him. And like, oh my God, he's talking to me like I'm his servant and I'm what happened to my wonderful cuddly little son? Well, he's changed. So, you know, and now he totally ticks me off, this is a different thing. So it helped me tremendously to go be able to go to my husband and say, I don't want to empathize with him. I want to kill him. You're like, you know, he's the most outrageous. Who does he think he is? And my husband would say, yup. Yep, sweetie. That's a hard one. And yeah, I know.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“What I say to people is the very best thing you can do for your kids is create a safe parental alliance, is share with each other parenting's hard work, especially if you can do it well. Difficult to do it alone, almost impossible to do if you're fighting with your partner, you're in a danger zone. So, you know, the best thing you can do for your kids is have a good relationship and have a relationship where you support each other as parents. That's the very best thing you can do. So from my point of view, it's a real mistake. And often people are avoiding their relationship by turning to the kids. And it's the safe place for them to interact. They can interact as parents, right? But, you know, in the end, your kids, they're going to grow up and leave one day. And, you know, parenting is good parentings are moving target. I mean, my experience of being a parent is I just figure out how to do it and then my kid would change.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“All I knew was, I remember saying to my granny, whatever that is, I'm not doing it, right? I'm not doing that, right? And so, you know, I saw the conflict, right? And we focus on conflict and therapists focus on conflict, teach you how to fight fair and fighting fair is rubbish, okay? It's like, it's irrelevant. So, you know, and we don't look at what's going on underneath, which is lack of emotional connection. You know, there's incredible distance in a relationship that's designed for closeness and connection and sharing. And we're not very good and we don't know what to do with that. We don't know what to do with, which some of us don't even know how to begin. An accessible, open, responsive conversation. We don't know how to begin it, so we don't.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“We I know, but do you have a happy relationship? It's not the same. We can peacefully live together. And the tricky part is that for some of us, depending on how we've grown up, you know, my parents fought to the death constantly.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And I think part of the issue is people, or maybe therapists, certainly this is true, they get fixated on conflict and how conflict is aversive. And distance slips by them. They start to normalize it. And actually, from an attachment point of view, it's distance that's the virus. It's disconnection that's the But we all get caught in conflict. People say, well, do you have a happy relationship? Well, we don't fight.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Right, I think that does happen. And I think what you said is interesting, which is that in a way you've been avoiding each other for years because you've focused on the task of parenting. You haven't paid attention to your relationship. Relationships are live things. They're live moving organisms. And they're like every other live thing. If you starve them of attention and ignore them and leave them on a shelf for years, then you turn around and try to pick them off the shelf. Well, I'm sorry, but they've shrivelled and died”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Suddenly, we don't know how to talk to each other. Oh, we don't really feel close or I don't really desire you Oh wait a minute I feel closer to my sister Oh what happened And then it really matters what you do next Do you turn and deal with it with your partner or do you try and fudge it? The best you do when you fudge it is you live together as strangers for the rest of your lives. That's very bad for you, mentally and physically. It's bad for your physical health apart for anything else.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“You know, that's pretty amazing. And that lady shifts in just the hold-me-tai educational program. She shifts. You wouldn't recognize her a few conversations later. She said all this in a very shy, hesitant voice. I'm not doing it the way she did it. Okay. She turns up a few sessions later like she's totally different. She feels like her. She understands her emotions. She can express them. She can tell him to slow down. She can ask for what she needs. She shifts. She shifts her sense of self and how she can dance with her partner. But, you know, that's where people go, and sometimes it hijacks them. It's like they're focusing on, oh, well, we still make lavin. Oh, well, you know, I like being his wife. Oh, well, we have our children. And then suddenly the children are gone. We don't know how to have conversations. We're not used to spending any time together. Oh, we have conversations.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“My husband had developed a rectile dysfunction. Suddenly we had nothing. And so then I tried to talk to him about it and I'm not as fast as him and I'm not as clever as him and I don't have the words and he talks very fast and it overwhelms me so I try to talk about it and it wouldn't work. And so I bang things around in the kitchen and he'd come upstairs from his office and he'd say to me what's wrong? And I'd say nothing nothing and he'd say Why will you never talk to me? And she'd say no, no, really it's nothing. And then he'd turn around and walk away from me. Listen, it's about separation. Walk away from me, and I'd say to myself We have nothing. I am alone we have nothing. So I call our cycle and the place we're caught in the nothing I said Wow”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“You call it the nothing? She said, Yes, I call it the nothing because basically we always have problems in our relationship. We could never really talk to each other very well, but we had good sex, and we loved our children, and we were wonderful parents, and we had this joint project called Our Children. And our children, we spent all time and energy in our children, and this was a connection for us. And then our last daughter went away to college, and we found that we had nothing.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Empty nest is a really interesting one, and the divorce rates have gone up for that group, and it's interesting because the divorce is usually initiated by the woman, it seems. I think that's a very interesting one because, as one of my people in the Hold Me Tight Tapes that I show in Hold Me Tight Group said, lovely lady, I said, what is the dance that you and your husband are caught in? She said, I call it the nothing.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“You're not doing your, we don't want to hurt our partner, but you're not doing your partner any favors by not showing up in the relationship and then trying to hide the fact that you've actually left. You're really not doing your partner any favors. You know, it's going to hurt them either way. They're hurting anyway because they know you're not engaged. So whether you're going to hurt them is irrelevant. They're a negative relationship. They're hurting anyway. And you're not helping them by fudging it. If you can't show up in the relationship and you respect your partner, you tell them.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Not true V Research It doesn't matter how distressed you are when you come in if you're still invested if you're still willing to work. It matters how engaged you get in working on your relationship. If you're willing to work on it and you seek out somebody who can really help you, a relationship consultant, because that's what an EFT therapist is, and you read, hold me tight, you can work on your relationship. You can't heal every relationship, but we have a damn good record.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“The way you, yes, here's where we are. This is how our dance ends up. We are both dancing. Here's where we are. Let's look at the dance, right? Let's understand. It's the dance we're caught in that's destroying our feelings for each other. It's not because you're bad or I'm bad or nobody has to be the bad guy here. Most of us are dancing a dance that we don't understand, that nobody's helped us understand. And we don't know how to move in the dance, particularly at key moments of vulnerability. We don't know how to do it. So we do it all wrong. That's right. So, you know, but if we love each other, interesting piece of research in EFT. There was one study that looked at predictors of success in EFT. And everyone I know, if you asked every couple therapist, including some researchers, what's the best predictor of where couples are at the end of couple therapy? They tell you how distressed they are when they come in.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“My response to that would be If it's too good to leave, then turn around and walk into it and talk to your partner and go do something about it. You can shape it, you can heal it. Go do something about it. Find out what's blocking it, find out what's getting wrong, look at the way you dance together. Look at the dance between the two of you. Don't get into the blame game. That's a waste of time. It's your fault, no, it's your fault. You know what?”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Apparently, it says in the book that Richard Burton was married to somebody else, and in the few days before he died, he wrote Lizleta and he said, Could I please come home now That when she died, after numerous husbands, she asked to be buried next to him. Family didn't respect that wish, but that couple could not be together because they wound each other so much and a lot of it was that there was a third being in and they could not separate either. That's a very particular kind of relationship. They never detached. They couldn't detach and they couldn't stay together, right? For most people who aren't Liz Taylor and Richard Burton, they do detach after a while and you don't go back. You just don't. You find someone else to invest in where you can have that longing and that hope.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“But if you look at long term Liz Taylor and Richard Burton You could say here that they divorced and they remarried and they divorced. And people say, oh, there you are, you see, can't you reattach? They were never unattached. They, the problem with that relationship was they had a third person in the relationship all the time. It was called alcohol. And Richard Burton was completely he was a Welsh coal miner's son, and he was completely addicted to alcohol. And it was a competing attachment. He kept choosing alcohol over Liz and their relationship would hit a wall and they'd fight to get it back and their relationship would hit a wall and they'd separate. But the evidence is, if you read the book on their relationship, they never really separated. In fact,”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Depressed, I go into despair, and then I give up. And actually, giving up feels like a relief because I'm exhausted and I'm burnt out with saying, are you going to talk to me? Are you going to? And then they get burnt out. And there's a, if they come in right when they're burned out, we work with them and they can start to re-engage, but it takes time and the other partner has to work at it, right? But there's a certain point where they won't re-engage. It's like your emotions have a reality. They have a structure. And there's a certain point where you just won't invest. You can still be friends. You can still care about the person, but you're not going to give this investment. You're not going to risk in the way you have, right? There's just no motivation for it. It's like you've gone into detachment and you can't turn around and walk back.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“When you can't find your longing for your partner? When you've stopped being upset or agitated by the fact that your partner isn't available to you, when you've turned away to other things in your life for support and caring, when you know when you don't feel you're starting to lose that need to emotionally connect with them, when you realize that when you think about them, you don't get any response from your nervous system, you don't get any emotional comfort, you've stopped looking to them for support and comfort, and you've stopped putting them into that important place in your life where they matter more than anybody else. And you realize that you're starting to withdraw and shut down. And you know, when people have been protesting a long time, they start to burn out. That's the way I see it. Where are you? Where are you? Where are you? Where are you? After a few years, it's like, I can't bear this anymore.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Our relationships are unalive organism, they're a living relational system, and you know, there's a certain point where no, you can't breathe life into it.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Well, this is an interesting question, and it comes up with therapists, and therapists never want to hear my answer. No, I”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“But retirement is one of those, by the way. But they can numb it out for a long time, but often it gets to the place where they can't numb it out anymore. And what I get they can't numb out is they're alone. They're alone in a relationship which drives people crazy. They're in a relationship, but they're alone. We can't deal with that paradox, right? Our longings for connection are turned on. You're around all the time, but you're not emotionally available. It drives me crazy. It's a crazy making situation. So then people tune into their emotions and they realize they've numbed out years ago and they've given up years ago. And actually... They're not willing to take any more risks. They're not willing to invest. They've left, they've detached.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Well, what bonding science says is there's different stages of emotional connection in a relationship. And when disconnection hits and you don't feel safely connected to somebody, often you start to protest or you start to say, where are you, where are you? If that doesn't work, you up the ante usually up the ante or you start to space out because it's too painful, right? And if the spacing out or the upping the ante doesn't work for long enough, it becomes really painful and aversive, and the relationship becomes a source of danger rather than a source of safety and support. And then people have different thresholds, all right? Some people can numb that out for a long time until some big crisis hits when it makes it obvious. Yeah, then they can't ignore it anymore.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I'll take care of you you are safe it's a bit bumpy but don't worry about it and listen to the way he does it Listen to the music he's playing. And the people will go, Okay, and they book with their candidate next time. Because they feel safe on Air Canada, and you should feel safe with your therapist, you should feel safe with your doctor, you should feel safe with your dentist, as far as I'm concerned. I have learned from my own work. If I go to a medical practitioner, they're not listening to me. And they wiped me out, and I'm not going because you're not going to listen to the information I'm giving you so you're not going to be a good practitioner even if you have read every book on the subject. I'm not going. I have to trust you. And people have to trust their therapists.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Why would you explore difficult places with me if you don't help you feel safe? It's counterintuitive. But we're used to that with professionals. We don't even demand our doctors make us feel safe. They don't even teach doctors how to talk to people. You know who they teach to make people feel safe, Air Canada pilots. I don't know who teaches the Air Canada pilots, but if you notice, the Air Canada pilots and they speak low and slow, and it's about me, they say Hi folks We're just going through an ill bumpy piece here. It will only last a few more minutes. I'm gonna take us down to something feet thirty thousand feet to try and give you a smooth ride and we'll be in Houston right on time. This is your captain speaking What's he saying? He's saying It's okay I'm your big daddy in the sky”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“You have to feel safe with that person. And I think that's a very key variable that people don't understand about therapy. A good therapist knows how to help you feel safe. And heard. And if you don't feel safe and heard, then find another therapist. A good EFT therapist knows how to the minute you talk to me on the phone the minute I talk to you on the phone as a client, my whole job is to make you feel safe.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Like, hold me tight online or in your city. There's one in nearly every city in North America, if you're in San Francisco, you can go one nearly every week. Right? So, you know, they're all over the place. And, you know, if that doesn't work to go find an EFT therapist, go find a therapist and ask you, this is the other thing. The public are not educated about therapy. Go find a therapist and say to the therapist, what model do you use? What is the research behind it? What are the outcomes? You give me something I can read about it, right? Don't just go to any couple therapist because the fact of the matter is seventy percent of mental health professionals in North America say they see couples now because the demand is huge and most of those people have not been trained in couples therapy. I hate to tell you.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Communication skills. They give you communication skills. The trouble is with communication skills that all the evidence, all the research says you can't use them when you need them. I mean, I'm pretty good at all this stuff, but when I'm having a fight with my partner, I don't use all my skills. It's my amygdala that's in control, not my prefrontal cortex. So it's those skill sequences are kind of in a different channel, right? They're not, we don't teach people skills in our therapy. We give them new experiences, experiences that are so powerful that they learn it whether they like it or not. It's embedded in their nervous system, in their muscle memory. They don't have to practice it for homework, if you understand. It's a different level. So, you know, to be willing to say, oh, well, I'm going to learn about relationships. I'm going to look at what's out there. I'm going to find a program. I'm going to talk to, I'm going to work at it. You know, I'm going to work at it. I'm willing to look at it and explore it and work at it, right? And then that's the start. And then to find something that really helps you. And if something like, you know, an educational program.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“To do, and they feel like failures, and so they avoid, they try to just stay superficial. Well, that's just going to end up with your relationship's going to just die because it's not being fed at all. So the star is to admit and talk to your partner, what's happening, then go and get some relationship education if you don't want to do hold me tight, or our programs there's relationships out there, skill programs. Personally, I don't think skill programs is the way to go because you can't use all these”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Some people, that's what they do with problems avoidance is a lousy strategy with emotional problems. I'm not just talking about marriage, I'm talking about anything, depression, anxiety. It's lousy strategy. It sets you up. You never face the problem, so you never have any new corrective experiences to change the problem. And you get more and more sensitive to what it is you're avoiding. More and more vigilant. It's just a terrible strategy for any emotional problem or relationship problem. But people believe the stuff out there that says, oh, well, you know, after a few years of marriage, this is the way it is. You can't expect very much. Or, oh, relationships are impossible. Oh, monogamy is impossible. Oh, well, you know, people believe all this rubbish that's out there in the papers written by journalists, right? And so they feel pessimistic and they don't know what.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“You learn about relationships. You do a hold me tight online course with your partner. You go to your partner first of all and say what's happening to us? It feels like we're disconnected. I don't quite know where we are in this relationship. I don't know where you are. I don't know we used to have such great times together what's happening to us. You have to be willing to take the risk to talk about it. But if you're just avoiding it.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“You don't even want to look at what's going on, then your relationship's just going to continue to unravel, right? And you'll wake up one day and say, I don't know who this person is, they're a stranger in my bed, or I don't want to be this person's partner, and you don't even know how you got there. But people are going and reading hold me tight. They're going to relationship programs. I was talking to you at coffee that we have a hold me tight online course now, which we've just created. And, you know, I mean, we have research on our Holmey Tight groups, by the way. We have research on everything we do. We have two studies on our Holmy Tite groups and the outcomes are really good. So we're not the usual program that you see where it teaches you a few relationship skills and you pay a lot of money and you don't get anything out of it. We're not in that game. We make a difference to people, right?”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Let's start with how do you understand where you're at? Now you have to, the point here is I'm going to be very focused on my own work because I feel like that's what I know, right? So if you're seriously asking me that, I mean, first of all, you go and try to find out what's going on and I'm biased, so the best way for you to do that is read hold me tight. Hold me tight is selling as well now as it did when it first came out. It's generating all kinds of relationship programs for different kinds of couples. It's the result of years and years and years of research. I don't think I'm being completely egotistical by saying there's nothing out there like it. I know there isn't, right? And that's because we've worked so hard to create it, right? So you have to understand, you have to be motivated enough to understand what's going on. If you find it so aversive.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I don't find that surprising at all. Because we don't understand anything about relationships. People say monogamy doesn't work. I say, you're kidding, we haven't given it a chance. We don't know how to do it. No, only that, but by the way, even though we don't know how to do it and we don't know how to do it well and we never get anyone to help us with that task, and it's amazingly absorbing task, the interesting thing is that most of us hang in and fight for it. Why? Because it's damned important and we know how important this bond is. That's why. So even when it isn't really working, we'll hang on to it until we absolutely have to let go. We haven't known how to do it. People have vastly dissatisfied because they don't understand anything about the things I'm talking about.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“So, you know, people don't know that these things are workable. And so they hedge their bets and they try to hold out and hide. You can't hide and dance with your partner. Love is a dance. A relationship's a dance. And the emotion is the music, you know. You're playing a certain kind of music when you're hiding. It just messes the dance. You just can't hide and be open and accessible and responsive. It's impossible.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“We're all afraid of that, but you know, just think how she's going to despise him if she when she finds out one year later, you know, where did that money go? Excuse me You took our savings and you spent it all on porn And you've been hiding this from me for eighteen months and telling me lies about where the money's gone You know like who are you and people say who are you Well if I'm asking you who are you I'm not going to turn around and fall into your arms and trust that you're going to catch me you got to beginning”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“That goes for any secrets. You know, we've worked with people who are into porn and they say, I'm not telling my wife that I'm in porn. Well, you know what? Your wife doesn't know that you're in porn specifically. But your wife knows that your sexuality has changed. Your wife knows that you're not emotionally with her. Your wife knows that you're hiding something. Your wife knows that you're not really engaged. Your wife knows that something's going on. So, you know, are you really being good at keeping? What do you think keeping this secret is doing for your marriage? You know, and then they say, well, if I tell my wife that she'll despise me, I say, let's talk about that fear.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT