YouSaid · the spoken record

Sue Johnson

lines on the record: 149
first: 2019-07-23
most recent: 2019-07-23
sittings or episodes: 1
sources: podcast

Every line below is reproduced as it was said and linked to the record it came from. Nothing here is summarised or generated. Directory · Search · Corrections

“Take care of the baby sometimes. You know, it's just an instinctive thing, right? There's a new life. It needs protection. It needs care. Let's all come round and do it. This is a tribal thing. We completely lost that. We've totally lost that. And, you know, often what happens is a woman's alone with a baby all day and then her husband comes home. Well, he's exhausted, right? He wants a bit of a break. She's hungry for connection. She's had a baby throwing up on her and yelling all day. And, you know, it's like talk to me. Somebody talked to me and he says Oh, you're so demanding, you know, can't you even let me get in the door? Basically, she says, no, I need you to talk to me. And he says, you know, so then it starts to go wrong. But if you know how to have these what we call hold me tight dialogues, if you know how to understand when you get in conflict, if you can...”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And you're caught in the usual demand withdraw dance that destroys relationships and nobody's taking any time for themselves. Some of it is, I really think in our society, why do we, when a woman has a baby, leave her alone in a little box called an apartment and take her away from all her social contacts? And often she doesn't live in the same city as her mother and her sisters, and she doesn't have social contacts. And her husband's at work all day. So she's taking care for this baby, tuning into vulnerability, right? And we make sure she's alone in it. That's ridiculous. I mean, really, in most tribal societies, when a woman has a baby, it's a signal for the community to come around and support her, support the parents, help them become parents, you know, give them social support.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“She's more vigilant for disconnection. And they're both trying to take care of this little tiny demanding bonding mammal. And so there's a lot of stress involved and a lot of change and a lot of transition. And when people don't know how to create these secure, safe bonding scenarios and support each other emotionally, everything starts to go downhill. And people step into these negative cycles. I call them demon dialogues because a demon comes in, takes over your relationship. My book Meight, I call them demon dialogues. Because that's how people experience them. They say, I don't know what happened to us. We started having these horrible fights. And, you know, we were fine until the baby came along and then, right? And it's the demon comes in and takes over, right? And suddenly everybody's irritable and suddenly everybody's shutting down and somebody's demand.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“A really interesting one because suddenly two becomes three. Not only that, but suddenly for most couples there's some real factors that impact things like much more work and fatigue often their sexual relationship goes straight downhill and we can make all kinds of funny meanings about that but the bottom line is your sexuality shuts down when you're sleep deprived it would be dysfunctional if it didn't wouldn't it so you know like you know you just don't have the energy for a glorious orgasm because your nervous system has already said I want a holiday thanks very much I'm done you know it's like so you know all kinds of changes happen and people also feel often when”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I'm giving you extremes, but most of us go in the middle where we don't always hear our kids, but then we do and we turn and respond”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“She turned to her kin she said It's okay, sweetie Oh you've lost your bear you've lost your bear look he's there We'll go get him shall we go She made the agent wait Right, I thought look at that she picks up the bear she gives us the kisses There you go she picks and all she says really is there you go but listen to her voice da da da da da dad lot of this is the emotional music we are playing people pick up on the emotional music it defines it defines the dance so that mother said to the kid Oh you're there I see your pain matters to me I'm here I'll respond to you I'll put you first You matter I'm here you don't have to be afraid You're safe I'm here and the kid goes The kid's fine and then she turns back and says now what do you need? Do you need my passport? See, that's two ends of the scale. I'm giving you extremes.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“It's a whole different bag You watch the kid get upset and the mother's busy and the airport agent is saying Ma'am I need your passport, I need you this and this mother said to the agent Just a minute please”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And then the kid gets the bottle, the mother's given her food, right? She should calm down. The kid goes into this vacant stair. She lets the bottle drop on the floor, the mother doesn't even notice, and the kid starts staring into space across the room the big foyer, you know, the airport foyer, and the mother says, that's better, now you're fine. And I feel like dashing over to the mother and saying, no, no, no. Your kid just shut down into freeze. Do you understand? Your kid just gave up on connecting with you. Your kid's gone into freeze. Your kid's freaked out. She's just spaced out. She's shut down because you aren't responding to her fear and there's no other way of dealing with it. We don't have many ways. We don't have many options in this basic emotional dance. And then you watch another mother.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“She holds out her toy, and the mother's looking her cell phone. And the mother says, What? You're fine. She's not looking at the kit. Emotionally she's absent like people might say The mother's with the child she's fine. No, emotionally she's absent. She's not looking at the kid. And the kid saying, respond to me, are you there? Where are you? Respond to me? And the mother's going, no, I'm not. I'm sorry, I'm tuning you out. You're secondary. You know, you're not that important, right? There's huge emotional significant messages in these interactions that we don't tune into. And we get them on a visceral level. So then the child gets really upset and the mother's still looking at her phone. And the mother says, oh, you're fine. And she picks up a bottle from her bag and she hands it to the kid. There's no connection there. So the kid this, I remember this kid particularly because the kid's been getting quite upset.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I watch people. It's easier to watch a mother and child because the emotions are also clear. As adults, we sort of fudge them and disguise them. But, you know, I'll watch one mother and child. And the child is trying to get the mother's attention. The child's going.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“You can deal with almost anything. You can deal with you can deal with anything. You can fight, you can be different. People say, oh, relationships are based on being not too many differences. I say, are you joking? Everyone's basically incompatible. It's like we're all totally different. I've been married for 35 years and my husband likes hiking up bloody great Canadian mountains and I hate if a walk's slightly up a slope I get ticked off you know like we're you know we're we're all different you know but this emotional responsiveness is what grows relationships and you can see it here's the thing it's not I'm not talking about something obtuse and abstract we just don't know how to tune in you can see it at airports when I'm at airports”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“That's right. I know, we know that in the end we are mother and son, we're bonded forever. The question in relationship to distress relationships is always the same all over the world at every age. Where are you? Where are you? Do you care about me? Do I matter to you? Will you respond to me? Will you be there when I'm vulnerable? Am I safe with you? Where are you? Where are you? And when the answer is I'm here.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Insecure attachment, the mother and the adolescent, and I always think of my son in this case, but the mother and the adolescent will have a big fight because we have big fights when we have fights, we have big fights. And when he was 17, we had glorious fights. But the issue is we can turn back towards each other, you know, and we can tune in and we can repair.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Really understand it, but I don't want you to be alone in it. I want to be with you and I don't know what to do. She burst into tears and she says, you just did it. What did I do? Should you just came and met me? You just came and met me, that's what I need. You don't have to solve my problem. You don't have to create magic. You have to be with me. And a good relationship grows from moments like that. A good relationship. And fights in a way can help a good relationship grow because you hurt each other's feelings and then what you're going to do. Well, what is secure attachment? And this is beyond romantic relationships. If you watch a mother and an adolescent, we have research on the fact that”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Securely attached people know the power of emotional presence. The parent who's helping a child in pain, the parent doesn't have the solution to the pain, per se. Men, husbands always think they're going to problem solve and solve their wife's problems. They don't understand that usually their wife's looking for just them. They're the answer to her problem. She just wants their emotional presence. I shouldn't keep doing this gender thing. Sometimes it goes the other way. Right, but, you know, it's the emotional presence that's key. So, for example, you might take a risk and share something with your partner and your partner doesn't know what to do with it, isn't quite sure how to respond. So I've seen people at the end of EFT turn to it. I've seen a man who before would just shut down because I don't know what to do with that, right? And he turns to his partner. He says, I see that you're hurting.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Love is simple, but it's not easy. That's what I always think anyway. If you would focus on the science, love isn't that complicated, but it's not easy. There's lots of, you know, different ways it can turn out. But the bottom line is you're constantly building trust in what I would call constructive dependency. You're constantly building trust. And how do you build trust? You take risks with each other. You show yourself you're open and accessible and you take risks with each other. And when one of you takes a risk, the other one responds. And by respond, I don't always mean like does something magical like the movies, okay? Like that's not what I mean. Just stay emotionally present.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Attachment. And attachment tends to be hierarchical. We can love more than one person, but in terms of who you turn to, when you really need, in terms of where you take your vulnerability, it's usually hierarchical. We have our special one. And most people want to be the special one for somebody else. And most people want a special one. And that's the person that you turn to.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Revolutionary ideas that aren't revolutionary, I gave a talk at a big conference recently and I said, you know, we think these ideas are revolutionary, but if you look at even things like the adulthood of Ernest Hemingway in Paris when he was in Paris, he was round the area of the Second World War. People in Paris were doing all the things that we're doing now. We didn't call them hookup. They didn't call them hookups. They just went and slept with lots of people. They didn't have the same language, but they were trying to have lots of relationships. They were trying to open relationships. You know, people have been doing this forever. But bottom line is, for most people most of the time, serial monogamy seems to be the most natural way that it works. Because it's all about, it's not just about sexism.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Have Report having the best sex, have it most often, are most satisfied with it and find it most thrilling are people in a long, long time. Connected exclusive relationships, yeah, you know, I mean, and I can tell you all the reasons why I think that's true, but the Zeitgeist out in the world is we're looking for freedom. We don't want to be repressed. I agree. Repression doesn't work. But we're looking for freedom and, you know, we're looking, let's all somehow marriage is a prison, or never my marriage. Long term is a prison. And, you know, we have to have lots of sexual partners to be satisfied. And sex is about novelty. This is, excuse me. This is cliche number 34. I'm very sorry. Let's talk about that one. But, you know, what's the evidence for that? You know, I mean, we've got all these...”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Let's take the emotion out of it. I can give you six scientific arguments as to why we're wired from monogamy. Would you like to find me one science study that suggests that it's better for, would you find me the one study that says that people thrive more thrive more if they have many, many sexual relationships? Even in terms of sex, The best survey research in North America is by a man called Laumann at the University of Chicago. He does fantastic. I hate surveys, right? They're so biased. It's the questions you ask. You're going to get the answers you were looking for. But he's good. And he's written these books like Sex in America. And he's fantastic. And what he basically said is, just in terms of sex, the people who”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yes, and that's an interesting point of view highly unpopular in many places in the world these days. I've been accused of being, oh what was the last lot? Did you know that I'm a naive conservative Canadian? Sorry, I'm not conservative actually at all, if you knew me. I'm terribly liberal. I am Canadian and very proud of it. And I really take objection to the word naive. I may be many things, but I'm not naive. I am very good at what I do and I know an awful lot about what I do, so I'm not naive, you know. But yeah, I was because this lady told me on a big listserv, which will be nameless, but basically she said, you know, your ideas about monogamy are disgusting. I said, I'm sorry, but that's a very emotional word.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“O romantic love is changing, and we're all going to be polyamorous or we're going to have hookups until we're 60 and it's all going to be great and there's going to be lots of freedom and emotional sexual whatever. No, there isn't. Sorry, because it's not something we make up and decide on it's structured by your mammalian brain. We can do social experiments until we're purple and some of them will work and some of them will work better than others. But bottom line is just like there's a structure to your body and your body has limits. There's a structure to our emotional life. There's a structure to your nervous system. There's a structure to your intimate relationships.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“You can do different things with it. You can try and shut it down, or you can get violent, you can deal with it in different ways. There's a range there. But bottom line is what I just said isn't negotiable. Our emotional life is structured, your nervous system is structured to avoid danger and to move to what will fulfill your needs to survive. And love is structured, the way we dance with other people is structured, your nervous system is structured We need to understand that these things are not social conventions. They're not made up. The New York Times writes articles about how”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Hear people say in all relationships in families, they say, well, I stop talking because everything I say is wrong and it's only going to make things worse. And I stop talking because I don't know what to say. And I just get the message that I'm disappointing. I've failed already. I'm never going to please this person. So I freeze. I just say the best way to stop the argument is to not talk. I stop talking. I stop talking to protect myself because I don't know what. There's all amazingly good reasons, okay? We have good reasons for what we do. What they don't understand is that in an intimate relationship, if I cut off emotionally and I shut down, I shut you out. And if I shut you out? You're a bonding mammal and not a lizard and you care about me I trigger danger cues and fear in your brain. Just because that's the way you're wired.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“That connection, and we don't know how to talk about it in a way that pulls our partner close. And when we push and criticize and complain and demand, we look more and more dangerous to our partner. And they, their favorite strategy that they probably learned when they grew up, right, that was the only one that kept them safe was to shut down. One thing people don't understand is they don't understand the impact of shutdown.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Well, I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. But it feels really bad, you know, and I can't breathe when I'm talking about it and it feels awful and I just feel agitated. It's almost like, you know, it's like it's like a kind of panic. And I say yes. You know, it's We panic, we can't get the person to respond to us because the other person...”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And that's a reality. Researchers have looked at you can use fMRI machines and Yak Pank set was a famous researcher. He's just died who looked at the brain and he said, we're bonding mammals. We need connection with others like we need oxygen. We're way too vulnerable without it, right? And we become obsessed with danger. And when we feel rejected and abandoned by the person we most depend on, there's a special pathway in our emotional brain and it's reserved for attachment panic. And he used that word and I believe that research because the number of people that I have certain taught with from all cultures and all genders and all over the world and all classes, the number of people that I have taught with who will actually come up with that word.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And that's the desperation under the anger. But you don't have in this bonding situation we desperately need the other person to respond to us. Emotional isolation is traumatizing for human beings. You're not wired for it. It's a danger cue for your nervous system. We desperately need other people to respond. And they're really these dramas happen when we're very young. We don't have many strategies. We really don't. And the one that automatically comes to mind is that we yell and scream and we push. You know, I remember a woman saying to me, I poke him and poke him and poke him and poke him, anything to get him to respond to me because if I don't, if he doesn't respond to me, there's no relationship and I've lost him and I'm all by myself and I'm in panic and loss. And she used the word panic.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And she says, Yes, I push him, you push him and if you don't push him and if he won't talk no matter how angry you get and how critical you get, then her face changes, and she goes back to what I saw a few moments before. She says Then I'm all by myself. Say yes, you're all by yourself, and he doesn't care about me, and I'm not important to him, and I don't matter to him, and I buy myself, and then she weeps.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“That's right, you fight back, you attack back. So we look at all these negative patterns in relationships and we understand them at this point. And so we help the demanding critical partner, we say, could you help me? You're talking to your partner about how you're disappointed in them and that you feel like this relationship is empty for you and you're expressing a lot of anger and frustration, but then you turned and you looked away and your eyes filled with tears. Could you help me? This is very painful for you. And the person says, well, of course it is. He's so distant. She goes back to attacking him. But we'll just stay with what we just said. We go into the emotional channel and we stay there and in the end the people can't. We say yes. You're very there's something here that's very painful for you and you're getting very angry and you push him to talk.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“It's not that conscious. Yes, in distressed relationships, the most common pattern we see is one person is demanding and getting angry and criticizing and the other person is defending and distancing. And the way we understand the demanding is they can be talking about anything. They can be talking about finances or sex or they can be talking about anything or how bad this other person is rather than be talking about anything. But if you listen to the emotion, you look at their face. And we're pretty good at that right now, what they're really saying is where are you? Where are you? Where are you? And if the other person doesn't respond, they say louder. And they say, I'll get you to respond to me. Where are you? You're a bad partner. Oh, that'll get your attention, right? But unfortunately, what I have to do to get your attention is threaten you. And then you go with the threat and you say, I don't want to talk right now.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“The inflammation is emotional disconnection that you can't connect with this person, you can't get this person to respond to you, this person isn't responding to you. So emotionally you're alone. The person's in the room with you, but emotionally you're alone.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Listen to it and they see the hurt in the other person's eyes, and they respond and they say, they reach out and they touch and they say, I'm so sorry, did I hurt your feelings? I think I did. I think you're feeling bad right now. That's emotional responsiveness. And whether you're a mother or a child An adolescent with your very best friend or your sibling or a romantic partner, that's what makes for a positive bond that responsiveness. When you see distressed couples, that's blocked. They're all caught up in dealing with their own hurt or their own fears. People think that conflict is the issue in distressed relationships. Conflict is the virus.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“You are a social bonding mammal. You pick up the cues from if you're paying attention. That's a big issue in life if you're paying attention. You pick up the cues from somebody's face in a hundred milliseconds. And if you're paying attention, the muscles in your face automatically imitate what you see on those other person's face. The mirror neurons in your brain fire. And if you're paying attention, you feel in your body what you see on the other person's face. Now, if you've had a reasonably good history of love relationships, you feel in your body and you have a sense of how to respond. So in a positive relationship when we help couples heal their relationship, we see that the person isn't overwhelmed by that. I say, oh my goodness, this person's angry at me. What am I going to do? You know, they...”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Emotional responsiveness is an abstract word that captures a lot. It's the ability or the willingness that someone has to tune into you emotionally and to allow themselves to tune into your non-verbals or your words and to allow themselves to feel what you're feeling and who respond to that in a way that you feel that you matter. That all sounds very elaborate until I say something like”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Exactly. But of course things go wrong and they fight and they hurt each other and that's relationship. If you dance with somebody they're going to step on your feet. They're going to go left when you expect them to go right, that's just the way it is. The point is in a good relationship you can recognize what's happened and you can tune in and you can repair it. And I think My kids have found Partners who are responsive to them. It's emotional responsiveness that's the basis of a secure bond.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Who will tune into them and respond to them and wear something they feel safe enough with that person where they can play and that constructive bonding, right? And so, of course, that's only the beginning. You fall in love with somebody and then usually everything goes wrong because, you know, they're bound to disappoint you, right? It's been kind of interesting with my kids to, you know, of course, my kids call me up when they have fights with their partner. Of course they do.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“It's like it's a deal, right? And they're not tuned into the relational aspect. And I think I always have been and I think it's something to do with growing up in an English pub and spending my childhood. I didn't spend my childhood watching TV. I spent my childhood watching adults get slightly drunk and emote all over the place and fight and cry and tell stories and turn to my dad for support and tell their stories of the war. Some people would have thought it was very inappropriate for me as a child, but that's what I grew up with, so I tune into that level. So young adults who can tune into this emotional level and who know what love feels like and who've seen love in operation, who felt it, they're better at seeking it out, they're better at tuning in on that level. They want to dance with someone”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Oh, I don't know. Like, you know, what we both like canoeing, you know. And my other girlfriend did like canoeing and I wanted to canoe every weekend and she'd canoe and I thought it was time to get married.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“You're not with me, I said Oh he said forget all the steps in your head just feel the movement in my body, feel the momentum, listen to the music and the beat, feel it, let the dance do you Oh my God So Tango changed that night into something totally different and magical and I became aware of what was going on on a whole different level People who have close relationships are more able to tune a tune in that way They tune into the relational drama that's going on in a relationship other people What I was doing. They're in the head predicting stuff, doing tasks. You know, you say to people, why did you get married? And some people say things like.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“The point is Most of us haven't been taught to tune in on that level. I dance onto Tintango. And the fascinating thing about that is that for the first three years, Argentine tank was very difficult. It's a nerd dance, basically, okay? And for the first three years, I sort of thought I was learning it. And then one night a stranger came and I started dancing with him and he broke all the rules. You're not supposed to do this. He stopped in the middle of the floor and he said, what are you doing? I said this is incredibly rude, right? I said, I'm dancing, Argentine Dagger with you. He said, no, you're not. I said, I'm sorry. He said, You're not. You're in your head predicting what you think I'm going to ask you to do and doing the steps in your head. I said Ah.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“That's a lovely word you're using. It's a bid. It's a bid. And people don't realize what they're doing. You know, I mean, I'm tuned into relationships, so I watch them all the time in airports and among my friends, and I'm tuning in on a different level than most of them are. I can't help it. This is my job at this point, but people are making bids. Even watching people, I fly a lot. So even watching people on a plane, you know, you sit down next to somebody and you might make a comment and they don't look you in the eye, they turn their head away, and you immediately get that they're clothes. They don't want to connect with you. And then you might make a little bid for a connection with somebody else and they turn towards you. They turn in their seat. They give you eye contact. They look at you. They smile. They make a comment. They respond to what you said. Ah, this person wants to dance. And then the”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“You can be attracted to lots of people in a very superficial way and you can't, you're going to experiment with relationships, you are because you have to get to know this dance, right? And you're going to make mistakes. But what you really need to is listen to yourself and listen to when you feel safe and when dancing with someone is easy and makes you feel good and when you can be vulnerable for a moment and that person tunes in and cares about your vulnerability that's the person to go with.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Loved in childhood, and you know what that feels like, then you can go out and you can tell when that's a possibility and when it isn't. Many of us have no idea we don't know what we're looking for. We just don't want to be lonely anymore and we want somebody to have fun with and we want someone to have sex with. And, you know, we're caught up in the society thing of, you know, girls are supposed to look like this and guys are supposed to, you know, look like that, you know. And we get all caught up in that. But the bottom line is, I think, that people are seeking out people to connect with. And what I've always tried to tell my children.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“So it's a visceral map of what relationships look like and what's allowed in relationships and what you're supposed to do. So folks that have had secure attachment in childhood are at an advantage. You know, it's like love is a gift that keeps on giving when you know what it looks like then you're better at putting your hand on it in the world, right? So if you come from a securely attached, for example, I'll give you an example, I talked about my dad. Well, my dad always treated me with the most amazing respect. I can't imagine one time when my dad ever implied that because I was a girl I couldn't do anything or that my views weren't okay. It's bigger the expectations you have a template. You have of how you expect to be treated and what you're looking for in relationships. So if you are loved.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“When I cried, just listened to the voice, you know the answer, right? This is foreign territory for this person. So I think people who've experienced safe connection with a parent have a big advantage and research says that they are more likely to have friends in high school, they're more likely to have be better friends themselves, and they're more likely to be empathic with any person they're dating, right? They're more likely to find happy dating relationships. Well, of course they are because they've got a model. They know what a good relationship looks like. They know what it feels like to be vulnerable with somebody, right? To be vulnerable with someone and to have that person respond. So they have certain, it's more than expectations. It's almost like a visceral map for what this is supposed to feel like. Expectation sounds cognitive, you know.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“We bring our histories with us. You know, I ask couples when they come in, I don't say have you ever had any secure attachment, because that's a bit abstract. I say things like when you grew up in your family, could you, if you got upset, could you turn to someone in your family? And would they reliably come and hold you? And some people say, oh yes, yes, my dad would come and hold. Another people will say, hold me?”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Well, of course, there's lots of issues there, and sexuality comes in there. You know, I mean, we are drawn, especially when we're young adults, we're drawn to what we see as sexually attractive. I mean, that primes our approaching people. You know, it primes our desire to get close. But I think we focus on that a lot, but there's a lot more to it than that. Who you're attracted to, it won't just be, as my daughter says, who's the hottest man in the room, right? But it seems to me that she can walk into a room and almost every man in the room is hot. That's kind of the stage she's in right now. So, you know, well, how does that help you differentiate then?”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“The way people deal with problems, the way people protect themselves or their relationship from problems backfires and becomes a prison.”
2019-07-23 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #62 Dr. Sue Johnson: Cracking the Code of Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT