YouSaid · the spoken record

Suzanne Iasenza

lines on the record: 97
first: 2020-02-04
most recent: 2020-02-04
sittings or episodes: 1
sources: podcast

Every line below is reproduced as it was said and linked to the record it came from. Nothing here is summarised or generated. Directory · Search · Corrections

“Over time, the body parts might not work because of illnesses or medications or things that happen. And if they're really still got it for each other, they will find a way to enjoy eroticism or broadly defined.”
2020-02-04 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #75 Suzanne Iasenza: Rewriting Relationship Narratives · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And I often like to make jokes about comparing food to sex. But it's like how broad can your sexual menu be? So it's great to have intercourse. Nothing wrong with penetrative sex or things that end in orgasm, but there's a whole lot more you could do with a body that involves more than just genitals or orgasm even. And so I help people actually deconstruct sex, develop, and I might say, you know, just like with food, would you want to have a hamburger every night? Maybe, but maybe not. It could get boring, or you might prefer hamburger, I might prefer Chinese food. Can we kind of mix it up? And one night we go to the hamburger joint, the other night we go for Chinese. But it's also, as you age, actually, older people usually who are still erotic and sexually together at 80 know how to deconstruct sex because they've just had to.”
2020-02-04 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #75 Suzanne Iasenza: Rewriting Relationship Narratives · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Almost everyone, and it doesn't matter whether they're lesbian, gay male, heterosexual, trans, most people, because that's the narrative we're taught is usually the definition of sex is genital. It has to involve the genitals, sometimes has to involve penetration, not always, and has to end in orgasm. Those three components, usually the most common when people say we're not having, we want to have more sex. Usually I don't say, oh, okay, we'll work on that. I'll say, what do you mean by sex? And then I'd ask, you tell me your version, you tell me your version. And then there's actually something I suggest the couples do when I work with them called the sexual menu.”
2020-02-04 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #75 Suzanne Iasenza: Rewriting Relationship Narratives · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Because some 80 year olds, the parts aren't even working the same way. They're not even having penetrative sex because they can't for whatever reason that medication issues, health issues, whatever. And they're still having hot sex because if you define sex broad enough, then almost anything could be hot. And it's all, you know, the mind is really a large part of sexuality too. It's not always how the body parts work”
2020-02-04 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #75 Suzanne Iasenza: Rewriting Relationship Narratives · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“It can, but I usually find, yeah, their generalizations you can say that as people age, does arousal become, does it diminish over time? But for some, it depends on the individuals. Some people in a long-term relationship, they might even be more aroused by their partner in their, I work with some people in their 80s. It's great to work with the 80-year-olds. Because for some people, they love, they fall in love with their partners more as they get older because they love for them, and even the turn on is about everything they've gone through. It's such a rich lived life through all the real ups and downs that they so love that person and they so want to pleasure them or they're still so turned on. And also sometimes some studies will say, you know, being able to remember how hot it was when you were 20 when you're 80 doesn't hurt either. In other words, that's where fantasy could come in.”
2020-02-04 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #75 Suzanne Iasenza: Rewriting Relationship Narratives · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“They either look good or they don't. And that can be harder because over time a long term couples, people age, right? Sometimes people gain weight.”
2020-02-04 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #75 Suzanne Iasenza: Rewriting Relationship Narratives · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Need to feel connected exactly so for some people or intellect some people sit down and they have the hottest intellectual conversation and then they want to have sex So I always ask people from attraction stories, like when you first met, I'll often say, well, the minute you met him or her, what was it that attracted you to them? And, you know, you'd be surprised how many people, it is not sexual chemistry or it might not even be looks. It could be, I love the way her voice sounded behind me in class. I heard that voice answer that teacher's question. I said, who is that woman? Or for some people, it could be spiritual. Or for some people, it could be they're on the picket line together screaming their heads off about something political and it's a political passion. So it's not always all based on attractions aren't always based on the body or even on sexuality, sexual chemistry. That's important for people too to appreciate. And I think arousal works the same way for some people it could be very verbal like I had a really good talk and then I could feel turned on to that person and for other people it could be almost strictly physical”
2020-02-04 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #75 Suzanne Iasenza: Rewriting Relationship Narratives · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Whatever, right? It could happen with what happens in our heads like fantasy, right, or anything that either just appears to us like, you know, your lover comes in as looking hot, to like you just bring in a fantasy of the last time you made love and it was so great, or even the guy down the hall, and that turns you on while you're doing, you know, your stuff with your partner. So it could be in your mind. And it could be also relational. Like, you know, sometimes the old joke, it tells someone, oh, you want to do foreplay, then put the kids to bed. Tell your partner, your wife or your girlfriend she can go and rest and take a nice bath and you feed the kids, put them to bed, put out the garbage, clean, and that's for a play, right? And now she's really going to be up.”
2020-02-04 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #75 Suzanne Iasenza: Rewriting Relationship Narratives · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Well, you know, I don't know if women are that different from men in terms of rousal. Arousal can happen in so many different ways. Arousal can happen through physical things that happen, like the hand in the right place with the right pace.”
2020-02-04 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #75 Suzanne Iasenza: Rewriting Relationship Narratives · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“That's right. So she talks a lot about that research. Pleasure is so much more of a helpful concept for a sexual outcome than orgasm. But I would argue that let's change, let's really make a sea change in the beginning and not make desire have to be the first step. How about willingness and then allow for arousal to emerge in whatever way if it does? And then desire, at least what the Canadians found with women. Arousal happens first in women, desire happens after. So once a woman gets aroused she could feel her desire much more than feel, you know, desire first.”
2020-02-04 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #75 Suzanne Iasenza: Rewriting Relationship Narratives · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And it doesn't end an orgasm also. So she doesn't make whether someone ends in an orgasm or not as broken or not. She ends with pleasure. So to start with willingness and end with pleasure.”
2020-02-04 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #75 Suzanne Iasenza: Rewriting Relationship Narratives · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Desire arousal orgasm, that model does not work. The Heldens Singer-Kaplan model doesn't work for women. For most women, desire follows arousal. It does not precede it. That is such a major paradigm shift. And it was actually documented with really sound research, such good research that they went to the DSM committee recently and it's been changed. Now, poor men are still stuck with having hyposexual desire disorder. So you guys, you've got to get in there and advocate for yourselves. I don't think any human being should have to be burdened with that as a diagnosis. I think it's a faulty diagnosis. I don't think it helps anybody. So what's the replacement? Willingness, which is what Lulu starts with in her model, doesn't not have desire in it, but the first step in her model is willingness.”
2020-02-04 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #75 Suzanne Iasenza: Rewriting Relationship Narratives · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Have a lot of sex in Canada. Yeah, it's cold. You better do something up there and stay warm. But also, I think your government just funds it more. I don't know what it is, but the large majority of the best sex research, in my opinion, all comes from Canada. And certainly the model that has changed the DSM now, now the in the DSM women cannot be diagnosed with desired disorder anymore. Hypoactive sexual desire has been removed because of the really groundbreaking work that Rosemary Besson, Laurie Brotto, others in Canada, actually documented that for women.”
2020-02-04 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #75 Suzanne Iasenza: Rewriting Relationship Narratives · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yeah, yay, Canada. Actually, Canada has really just a sidebar, but all the great research and sexuality comes from Canada.”
2020-02-04 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #75 Suzanne Iasenza: Rewriting Relationship Narratives · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Actually, the later models after Helen Singer Kaplan's model, there are two other models that I think are really important. One was by Joanne Lulan in the later 80s and then the other is Rosemary Besong's work, who, by the way, comes from Canada.”
2020-02-04 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #75 Suzanne Iasenza: Rewriting Relationship Narratives · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I think it is one of the major narratives, I believe, creates problems in couples because most couples come in with desire disorders, either discrepant desire. One person has, quote, higher desire, the other one stuck with the, quote, lower desire role, or they come in with the no desire couple. And many people believe that that makes them dysfunctional and sexually broken. So a lot of the narrative, what I would do in a first session, if a couple comes in and says, oh, we're a no-sex couple, we have no desire, we're broken, I might say, what makes you think you have to have desire to have a sexual life? Just that question, that's how a narrative therapist works is you start to ask questions that make people aware that that's a story, it's not a fact.”
2020-02-04 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #75 Suzanne Iasenza: Rewriting Relationship Narratives · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Model was integrated into the DSM or diagnostic manual, so all doctors and therapists were saying, okay, this is now what these sexuality is. This is the narrative of healthy sexuality. Now you have desired disorders. Because prior to having the component of desire, how could you have the story that I have a dysfunction? It didn't exist. Prior to that, you either had excitement problems, men had erectile problems, or women couldn't get excited, but not desire, or you had orgasm problems. So we know this. I mean, I think most people know that medical diagnoses are stories and narratives, right? And they tell us what makes us silk or what makes us well. And when they come up with a new diagnosis, now you can have a whole other family of narratives of sickness. So it's true with sex as it can be with any other kind of diagnosis. But that desire component since the 1980s.”
2020-02-04 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #75 Suzanne Iasenza: Rewriting Relationship Narratives · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Their model just started with, they didn't even use the word arousal. They looked at the body, not really psychology as much. And then there would be a plateau and then an orgasm. It was an orgasm-based model. So orgasm was in their model and excitement was in their model, which they meant physical excitement, not subjective arousal, which is a different thing. But anyway, so it was a very kind of body-based. The body gets excited. penises get hard, valves get wet, whatever, and then you have an orgasm. And everybody should follow that one model. So desire wasn't part of it. It wasn't until Helen Singer Kaplan's work in the 1970s and 80s that she said, and she was an analyst anisex therapist here in New York, and she said something's missing from this model. So she came out with a trifasic model, three steps also, but beginning with desire. So think about prior to that model.”
2020-02-04 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #75 Suzanne Iasenza: Rewriting Relationship Narratives · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yeah, well, when it comes to desire is a really wonderful narrative, that is all narrative desire because desire only exists since the 1970s. Prior to 1970, there was no narrative for desire and sexuality. Because prior to the 70s, we had masters in Johnson's model of what makes everybody sexually healthy, what sexual health looks like. And a masters and Johnson's model, desire wasn't part of it.”
2020-02-04 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #75 Suzanne Iasenza: Rewriting Relationship Narratives · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Can impart narratives onto a couple or partners in the relationship. Like I'm very curious how people, the minute I meet them and I say, why are you here? They're going to begin to tell me their narrative, right? They're going to tell me a story. They're going to say we're a sexless couple or we can't communicate or we're not compatible or”
2020-02-04 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #75 Suzanne Iasenza: Rewriting Relationship Narratives · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yeah, there are all these levels of narratives. If anyone wants to read about it, there are many theorists about narrative therapy. It's been around for a long time, but one of the favorite people that I draw a lot of my work from or my writing, my presenting is Michael White's work. I don't know if you know him, but Michael White was, unfortunately, he's passed away, was a family therapist from Australia. And he developed, first with Michael Epston, and then he did a lot on his own of a narrative therapy in family therapy. And he talked more about how our narratives can be generated from more political or social outside of ourselves, which society tells us that we internalize and then can make us feel broken or dysfunctional or less than. But when you think about it, the family is a community too. The family can impart narratives onto a child, right? Or even a relationship.”
2020-02-04 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #75 Suzanne Iasenza: Rewriting Relationship Narratives · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Sexuality or intimacy or trust, or that still is unfinished so that with the partner, sometimes it's not your trusted partner you're making love with that night. It becomes your father who is a rage aholic or an alcoholic and you could shift into that space not even know it and before you know it you're losing an erection or intercourse becomes painful or you can't have an orgasm that you normally do or you just get turned off or whatever or you go numb, right? So to make people aware of that is really important. So it's not just all service. You could be mad about what happens today. We had a fight of the week, but those deeper narratives and the meaning that they carry is really a bigger picture to get aware of, to become aware of and to be able to shift and change or challenge or heal whatever wounds are behind those narratives.”
2020-02-04 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #75 Suzanne Iasenza: Rewriting Relationship Narratives · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“your mother and father if you had whatever the parental couple was their relationship and what you internalized about it how they treated you all your sibling relationships are in there all the intergenerational transmission of trauma if your grandmother or grandfather or whatever there are things that happen there that can be transmitted down the generations let's say at it all the intersectionality kinds of wounds race class sexual orientation gender identity there are so many things narratives I call it narratives in bed with you unconsciously so that you don't know who you are projecting onto a partner at any given moment that is still unfinished business and that's one of the reasons why I spend so much time with sexual histories let's say is to start to identify the narratives that rise to the surface when people are curious from the first memory of sexuality all the way to now and what are the ones that still carry so much meaning about self or other or sex?”
2020-02-04 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #75 Suzanne Iasenza: Rewriting Relationship Narratives · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Those are more of the surface reasons, deeper reasons can be what we call in more analytic work, they could be projecting onto the partner. Not knowing, this is an unconscious process, so that with more intimacy, and people could be very confused about this because they say to me, Suzanne, we never had this problem before we got married, or we never had this problem before we moved in together, or we never had this problem before we had our first child, or, you know, or we bought our first house. And they get confused because they think, well, isn't it progress when you get married or have a kid or move in together? And then why would things get worse when they get better? And actually, no, it would make sense. It could get worse. Not better. Why? Because the more committed you become, the more I often say to people like with sex therapy, you know what? All sex is group sex and they laugh. And I said, well, this is what I mean. You think you're in bed alone with your partner? You're not. You're in bed with your trauma history or attachment history, your trauma history or attachment history.”
2020-02-04 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #75 Suzanne Iasenza: Rewriting Relationship Narratives · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Difficultly now in a couple, but if people allow themselves to unfold, it could take years, but people can turn corners. And I've seen people turn corners that if you took the videotape in the first session, you would have said, I can't believe this is the same couple.”
2020-02-04 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #75 Suzanne Iasenza: Rewriting Relationship Narratives · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“These guys have no hope. How in the world could these two people who come in and are so mean to each other, are so reactive, are so disconnected? And those are the cases really that I think I've seen the most change is I'm a very more long-term in the trenches type of therapist. I tend to see people more longer term. And I'm an analyst. I do psychoanalytic kind of work, not just behavioral sex therapy and couple therapy. I'm kind of a mixture of all those. I really appreciate the unfolding over time of levels of awareness and also especially the time needed to deal, let's say, with trauma if someone's been sexually abused or physically abused as a kid or experienced abandonment or death or illness in the family. There's so many kinds of attachment, we call it wounds or trauma. And the impact of that can really manifest so”
2020-02-04 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #75 Suzanne Iasenza: Rewriting Relationship Narratives · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yeah, I'm probably going to give you such a disappointing answer. You know, I always tell people that when I train even graduate students, I say, you know, the longer I've practiced, the less I can really predict how a couple's going to turn out. I've become more humble over time and I've been more surprised over time.”
2020-02-04 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #75 Suzanne Iasenza: Rewriting Relationship Narratives · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I usually tell people when they struggle telling me a secret, I say, trust me. I've heard it all. And not that that probably is true in the whole universe, but I've heard a lot in over 30 years I've been practicing. So yeah, I've heard a lot.”
2020-02-04 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #75 Suzanne Iasenza: Rewriting Relationship Narratives · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“If that partner says, oh, yeah, I have the same definition, he better not have that fantasy either, then I'm not going to mess with that entirely unless I determine that that kind of very particular definition of privacy is impacting negatively upon the couple or what their goal is. And then I might want to make that connection, not in a judgmental way, but say, you know, I think that maybe that could be affecting why you're not as open sexually with each other because maybe you're very afraid that if another fantasy comes in, you shut down because you know that you're going to be betraying your partner or your own definition of what proper privacy or fantasies are. So it's all about assessment of how might that definition of privacy or secrecy be affecting what the couple's coming in with as a problem or what they're trying to achieve”
2020-02-04 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #75 Suzanne Iasenza: Rewriting Relationship Narratives · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Because partners may have different ideas on what privacy is. I've had some clients tell me that their partner should never, ever fantasize about anyone but them. And if they did, then that shouldn't be private. That should come out in therapy, and we have to deal with it because there's something wrong with it. And when people have said that, I don't sit there and say, well, that's not a good definition. Let me tell you mine. I say, well, what do you think about it to their partner? What do you think about that?”
2020-02-04 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #75 Suzanne Iasenza: Rewriting Relationship Narratives · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Privacy is an area of human experience that does not impact the couple negatively, especially in terms of understood or implied truth between them or agreement, probably the most common is let's say you have a monogamy agreement and that's been agreed upon consciously and someone's breaking that monogamy agreement. That's probably the most common kind of that wouldn't be private, that would be secret in the sense that that would negatively impact upon the couple and it's something that is affecting the couple. That's different than let's say someone masturbates and doesn't want the partner to know when they masturbate. That's more privacy or what they fantasize about when they masturbate. That's more private. But that's my definition. But what's very interesting is what's more important is what's their definition.”
2020-02-04 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #75 Suzanne Iasenza: Rewriting Relationship Narratives · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“What if someone tells you that they're gay when they're married to someone of the opposite sex? Those are bigger secrets. Secrets are all relative, aren't they? Versus they had an affair 30 years ago and it's ended”
2020-02-04 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #75 Suzanne Iasenza: Rewriting Relationship Narratives · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“All the way through their whole history up to how they became a sexual being now. So I really take my time with that. So I do say before I do that, I'd like to do those individual histories. And how would we want to handle the material? Because either one of you might tell me secrets or things that are private, privacy versus secrecy. Let's talk about that. And do you feel comfortable with me holding those so that many couple therapists will talk to clients about can I hold things? Do you trust that I could hold them with the couple in mind? Because if someone has a shameful secret that's impacting on the couple and they don't tell me if there isn't room for them to tell me that I don't know if they're going to reach the goals that they need to reach but it is very you have to have a tolerance for certain secrets like what if someone tells you they're having an affair.”
2020-02-04 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #75 Suzanne Iasenza: Rewriting Relationship Narratives · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And if you read enough of the literature, all couple therapists have different ways of dealing with this. But the most important underlying factor is that you're honest with the couple, that secrets could exist. Obviously, you don't know if secrets do exist when you first see the couple. You have no idea. You have a discussion about. I like to talk to couples in the beginning about secrecy versus privacy, for instance. I think a lot of people either have no clue though those are two different things or they have real different definitions of what privacy or secrecy is, which is really interesting that they never realized their partner saw differently. But when I do want to do individual history taking, especially with sexual issues, I do very extensive sexual histories, like I'm talking three, four, five perhaps sessions individually with each partner because I really want to give them a chance to sit with me from their very first memory of sexuality, which could go way back to five years old.”
2020-02-04 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #75 Suzanne Iasenza: Rewriting Relationship Narratives · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Well, that's a really good question. That's a very big question that therapists will ask a lot of times because they get very anxious about secrets. But secrets in therapy, in couple therapy is a major issue you have to deal with. And what often, what's most important is before I meet with halves of couples, with partners, I talk about secrets. So it's open.”
2020-02-04 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #75 Suzanne Iasenza: Rewriting Relationship Narratives · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And that's my job, is to say, can I help you maybe bring this into the couple's work or sex therapy work in a way that might actually not be as disparate an outcome as you think it would be?”
2020-02-04 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #75 Suzanne Iasenza: Rewriting Relationship Narratives · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Well, some of the secrets, unfortunately, that's why I think it's important to have some individual sessions with partners, is some people are under the impression that the secret's going to be so devastating. And some of them could possibly be, let's say, if it's finally a gay man who maybe has to leave his wife to be happy. But that's a little more extreme. But let's say it might be a sexual difference that really could be negotiated or sometimes it's a sexual difference that a partner may assume that their partner can handle and they never gave the partner a chance because they kept it a shameful secret for so long. Like with some kink things or there could be all sorts of different, let's say sexual preferences people could have. They have so much self-judgment about it or they were ashamed about it with other partners prior to this partner that they don't even take the chance to share it.”
2020-02-04 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #75 Suzanne Iasenza: Rewriting Relationship Narratives · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Sometimes there are. And sometimes there aren't. That's true with affairs or let's say sexual orientation secrets or kink secret. There's so many different secrets people can hold.”
2020-02-04 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #75 Suzanne Iasenza: Rewriting Relationship Narratives · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“That's right, and even question my own reality, like some partners will say, how could I not have seen that? How can there must have been clues? What am I in denial? So it can make a person question their own reality, their own truth.”
2020-02-04 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #75 Suzanne Iasenza: Rewriting Relationship Narratives · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yeah, partially. I mean, when you think about, let's say a person, well, you know, here's a more dramatic moment, but let's say you have that homosexual man, the gay man, who got married heterosexually, either because he couldn't bear it or he never came out or he's hoping it will go away. And now it's 20 years later, and either they have no sex life because he really just can't do it, or he's having outside sexual activity with men that he's lying about or keeping secret and feeling terrible about it. I mean, there could be so many. That's a big one. That's one of those really painful”
2020-02-04 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #75 Suzanne Iasenza: Rewriting Relationship Narratives · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“and if they can get it out with me with a safer kind of conversation that I can offer that I'm not going to be reactive to what they have to say like a partner could, that then I could help them bring it into the couple sessions.”
2020-02-04 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #75 Suzanne Iasenza: Rewriting Relationship Narratives · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I don't want to hurt them, or I feel personally so ashamed about whatever the secret is or this truth is that I don't think I can bear hearing myself say this out loud to my partner. So even if the partner really proves to be truly a loving, non-judgmental partner, that doesn't mean that the self is that understanding. So it could be more of a conflict within the self about why someone can't put words to it. That's why with couples often, whether they're especially if they present with sexual issues, but even if not, sometimes I will do some individual sessions for history or just for them to tell me a little bit more about a particular problem because sometimes they really need to feel less concerned about an audience and the partner and I could be a little too much to share some.”
2020-02-04 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #75 Suzanne Iasenza: Rewriting Relationship Narratives · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“It's more the latter, I think, at least initially once I help people begin to unpack that and understand what do you mean by communication. Because when people say we need help with communication, I don't say, oh yes, I understand what you mean. I often say, tell me what you mean by that. And I might even say, tell me to one of the partners, you tell me what you mean. And, you know, if you have a different definition of communication, that's fine too. Very early on, no matter what the presenting problem is, I usually want them to each tell me their definition of whatever that presenting problem is and start to normalize and even encourage that there could be two different perspectives on it so that people can begin to, if they're not that differentiated, it's gold, that they can learn how to be more differentiated, which means really say what your truth is. Even if you're afraid it's bad news for your partner, let's create the safety here to get it out because whatever way you're not saying truly what you need or what you don't want,”
2020-02-04 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #75 Suzanne Iasenza: Rewriting Relationship Narratives · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Well, see, when you unpack, we need communication help. It can mean, well, I like apples and he likes oranges, right? We're having trouble with differences. So it might not even be communications really the problem. It's that they're not able or they don't have the skills to be able to hear each other out, to be able to then find compromises, which is a big skill in couples. So it may not even be that they don't even know each other that well, that they're not communicating each other about themselves that well. It could be that they don't know how to manage differences to find compromises, that they may even feel that their differences mean they should be breaking up, that they're not compatible, as opposed to how do you manage to deal with differences. It's a rare couple that everybody is exactly the same. In fact, that probably isn't that healthy if people were like carbon copies of each other.”
2020-02-04 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #75 Suzanne Iasenza: Rewriting Relationship Narratives · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Almost all couples, whether they have sexual issues or other issues, usually will say communication. That's one of people's most favorite presenting descriptions is they'll say, we need help with communication, which is the general catch-all kind of bucket.”
2020-02-04 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #75 Suzanne Iasenza: Rewriting Relationship Narratives · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I say I'm a couple in sex therapists mostly, even though I do individual therapy. But the majority of my writing and my teaching and the majority of my clinical work is with couples now.”
2020-02-04 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #75 Suzanne Iasenza: Rewriting Relationship Narratives · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“You don't know who you are projecting onto a partner at any given moment that is still unfinished business. And that's one of the reasons why I spend so much time with sexual histories, let's say, is to start to identify the narratives that rise to the surface when people are curious from the first memory of sexuality all the way to now, and what are the ones that still carry so much meaning about self or other or sexuality or intimacy or trust that still is unfinished. So that with the partner, sometimes it's not your trusted partner you're making love with that night. It becomes your father.”
2020-02-04 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #75 Suzanne Iasenza: Rewriting Relationship Narratives · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT