YouSaid · the spoken record

Barbara Coloroso

lines on the record: 154
first: 2018-10-30
most recent: 2018-10-30
sittings or episodes: 1
sources: podcast

Every line below is reproduced as it was said and linked to the record it came from. Nothing here is summarised or generated. Directory · Search · Corrections

“Doing something to them, that's punishment. I'm doing something with them. Yes, he had fun. The Saturday morning got up early, got his little knapsack ready, and then the game warden very patiently explained to Joe how he had to collect female beaver urine. His eyes got huge. He looked at me. He looked at his dad who was now smiling. And he said to the game warden, I have to do that. I thought the game warden's comment was classic. He said, well, I didn't break the beaver bait jar. And just aside, Joseph Sr. Prom was held at the Natural History Museum. What a fitting end to his public education. But in that experience, he was truly disciplined, shown what he'd done wrong, given ownership of the problem, given ways to solve it, left his dignity intact.”
2018-10-30 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #44 Barbara Coloroso: The Kids Are Worth It · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“He had to replace the beaver bait jar, which was a trip onto itself. And for those who are listening who don't know, Beaver Bait is female beaver urine. He will never break another beaver bait jar. And before he'd go on the next field trip, there were conditions. He had to have all that done and have in writing how he would handle his feet, hands, and mouth creatively and constructively on the next field trip. He was shown what he'd done wrong, given ownership of the problem, given ways to solve it, left his dignity intact. Did he have fun? Yes. And this really galls people who are brick wall and into punishment, how derelict have a good time fixing a mess he made. I have worked with administrators who have truly disciplined the child. But since they're not hanging by their toenails at noon in public display and in pain, somebody will say, you didn't do anything to them.”
2018-10-30 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #44 Barbara Coloroso: The Kids Are Worth It · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Of, um, I use my son again when it's mischief. This is where consequences come in. Our son did something that wasn't on the approve behavior list on a field trip. He broke the beaver bait jar at the Natural History Museum. Could have been worse, could have been an irreplaceable dinosaur. We're very lucky. Very replaceable beaver bait jar. He was not punished. He was not paddled, which is punishment. He wasn't sent to the principal's office, which could have been punishment depending on how the principal handled it. He didn't have to write 550 times. I will not break a beaver bait jar, which is punishment. And he didn't get banned from the next field trip, which, by the way, sad to say, is a special ed teacher. That happens an awful lot to kids with special needs, and then they never learn to go on a field trip. But those were all punishment. He didn't have any of that. Instead, his teacher wisely said, Joe, you have a serious problem here. I know you can handle it. He had to write a letter to the natural history and music.”
2018-10-30 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #44 Barbara Coloroso: The Kids Are Worth It · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Discipline is not something we do to a child. It's something we do with a child. Punishment's adult oriented is imposed from without. It arouses resentment and teaches kids to respond that a fear or fight back or flee. Discipline, on the other hand, if you go back to its Latin roots, means to give life to a child's learning. So consequences need to be RSVP, reasonable, simple, valuable, and practical. But let's look at discipline again. If it's a mistake, own it, fix it, learn from it, move on. If it's mischief, and this is where consequences, you say, but why do we need discipline when it's a mistake? Because discipline is giving life to a child's learning, whether it's at 16-year-old with a beaker or the three-year-old with a glass, giving life to their learning. So discipline is an integral part of what we do with our kids. Let me give you an example.”
2018-10-30 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #44 Barbara Coloroso: The Kids Are Worth It · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And discipline. The difference between punishment and discipline, yes. Discipline has consequences. Punishment may too. But I always say we need to use the French term RSVP, Rapandi Civlplay, which means please respond.”
2018-10-30 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #44 Barbara Coloroso: The Kids Are Worth It · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yes. Brick Wall, my way of the highway, uses a lot of bribes and threats, rewards and punishments as a way of controlling the child. And it leaves children with the inability to truly think for themselves, or they will rebel. It's like, and they use punishment a lot. And when you punish a child, they basically rebel. fight back, they flee, or they turn inside themselves because they're afraid.”
2018-10-30 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #44 Barbara Coloroso: The Kids Are Worth It · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“But you've had an impact, and you've had a greater impact on your children when your mother says, it's Uncle George, he's old. Hey, I'm 70. Old is never an excuse for bigotry and intolerance. And I think your children need to hear you saying to your mother in an uncomfortable situation, mom, I don't want my children to ever believe that it's okay to make those comments that are bigoted and racist or sexist, no matter how old we are. Now you do that. You stand up when it's uncomfortable to do it. The chances of your daughter sitting with the new girl or your son getting the other boys to stop has been greatly increased.”
2018-10-30 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #44 Barbara Coloroso: The Kids Are Worth It · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“With these virulent attacks and dehumanization of another human being, which is what verbal bullying does. So we need to walk our talk and talk our walk. So I ask adults, how do you treat hired help? How do you treat the new neighbor who looks different than you, has a different faith tradition, different skin color, different languages, their first language? Your children are watching. How do you treat that person moving through the grocery store slower than you'd like them to? And how do you deal with the bigoted relative at the family gathering? Now, we all have bigoted relatives on the family tree. Some just aren't on the branches yet. They're right there at the dinner table, spewing bigoted comments, thinly disguised as a joke. And we need to be able to say, I'm bothered by that, or that was bigoted, or that was racist, when all the other relatives roll their eyes and say, what? Can't you take a joke? Not that kind. And you know you've had an impact when you walk back in the dining room and everybody.”
2018-10-30 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #44 Barbara Coloroso: The Kids Are Worth It · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Labeling the behavior, not the kit And that comment was beneath both of us says I'm not getting in the mud with you, and I'm inviting you to be bigger than you are right now because I believe you can be, you know, that revenge is so quick, but that doesn't help. The Chinese said it so beautifully. Those who seek revenge had best dig two graves because they eat you up too. So we want to serve.”
2018-10-30 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #44 Barbara Coloroso: The Kids Are Worth It · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Red plank in front of a ball. Oh, good. We heard her. See? And you don't want to be aggressive. Well, it takes one to know one because bullies are cowards, but they're not ignorant. They picked on somebody they knew they could get. So I want to teach the young girl how to roll her shoulders around and down and stand strong, not in a passive posture, stand strong and in an assertive voice, be able to say that was mean, that was cruel, not you're mean, you're cruel. Call the deed, not the kid. That was mean, that was cruel, that was bigoted, that was racist, that was sexist, that was ugly, that was yuck. I tried to give as many adjectives as possible so they can choose from them. I don't need this. I'm out of here and getting themselves out of there. For older kids and for adults, when they're in a situation, maybe even at a family gathering with an adult sibling targeting them still, you roll your shoulders around and down, stand strong.”
2018-10-30 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #44 Barbara Coloroso: The Kids Are Worth It · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Being able to, well, we have some lousy tools. I'll give you those first. Many anti-bullying programs will say, just tell them please stop. That hurts. That works when you're dealing with a friend who inadvertently said something. It was the wrong time, wrong place. It happens to all of us. It was the wrong time, wrong place, wrong situation. And the other kid's face drops and get tears in her eyes. And you say, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. What does a bully do when they know that they have hurt another child? They keep going. They get more aggressive when the other shows any hurt. It's the difference between teasing and taunting. Teasing is laughing with, taunting is laughing at. And if they're taunting her, one of the worst things she can do is turn around and say, please stop, that hurts. It's like Ray putting around.”
2018-10-30 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #44 Barbara Coloroso: The Kids Are Worth It · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Now, if another kid comes up and says those boys are doing these mean things to this other boy, say thank you for telling me. I know it took courage to tell and I promise you nobody will know you told me. And I say to him, I need you to know that I won't deal with this situation, but I'm going to watch him. Where's it happening? When's it happening? Now, if they dunked a kid's head in the toilet and he's dripping a urine, I'd deal with that right on the spot because the evidence is there. And the smirks are on their faces.”
2018-10-30 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #44 Barbara Coloroso: The Kids Are Worth It · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“A target safe. Number two, a witness safe. Number three, we deal with the kid who's doing the mean and cruel activity, even if it means delay justice. Like if a kid comes up and says to me, those kids are calling me names. If I would go directly to those kids right there, they would retaliate against her and make it worse. So then kids don't tell. But if I say to her, that was an ugly thing to happen to you. Let me give you some tools for handling that, but I also need you to know I'm not going to deal with it right now because I need to keep you safe. But tell me, where is it happening and when's it happening? Because it often is continuous and repeated over time. And we watch the kids like a hawk. And we'll catch them being mean and cruel. And then we nail them on it. But I also want to give her ways to stand up when kids are being mean. I thank her for telling me that she's being her own witness.”
2018-10-30 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #44 Barbara Coloroso: The Kids Are Worth It · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“It's okay for him to be on the swing, he leaps off the swing. His coat gets caught, he's hanging on this swing. Tell me that's going to get him out of trouble. Now, if he's not supposed to be on this wing and he's hanging on the swing, it's both I need to know. Five-year-olds get that. I've had little ones come up. Mrs. C, Mrs. C, I say in out or both. And sometimes they scrunch up their face and walk away and they go in trouble. And they get it. I say, thank you for figuring that out. But I've also had them go up, Mrs. C, Mrs. C. I say, in outer both. And they say, I don't know, I can't figure it out. I said, well, tell me, we'll figure it out together. Or sometimes they come up and say, Mrs. C, I say, thank you for telling me that's going to get this kid out of trouble. So reinforcing that at a very young age, because we have this idea snitches get stitches and stuff. And so if it's mean and cruel, number one, we have to keep...”
2018-10-30 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #44 Barbara Coloroso: The Kids Are Worth It · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Tattling is getting somebody in trouble, telling is getting somebody out of trouble if it's ever both and bullying is, I need to know, for instance, you know those self-appointed playground monitors. Mississippi, Mrs. C, Johnny's on the swing. He's not supposed to be on the swing. He didn't share yesterday. That's taddling.”
2018-10-30 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #44 Barbara Coloroso: The Kids Are Worth It · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“You can go over and sit with her, but mom all the other girls will pick on me. Okay, well, sometimes it's a cost. And maybe one of the things you need to do is tell an adult that the other girls, but I don't want to snitch. It's not snitching. Those girls are hurting that other little girl. It's telling it's not tattling. It's reporting, not ratting. If somebody's getting hurt, then you need to report it.”
2018-10-30 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #44 Barbara Coloroso: The Kids Are Worth It · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Give her ways that she can influence how she responds to that. And then the third lesson is know is a complete sentence. If your brother, you've asked him nicely, you offered the toys, if he says no, you have to go find something else to do. Now think about it. You teach seven and eight-year-olds. You control half. Your brother controls half. You influence 100%. Noah is a complete sentence how that will serve both boys and girls when they start dating. See, we are giving them in the process of all of this tools to handle both conflict and mean and cruel activities in their lives to empower them. I also want to empower them, and that's where Red Pajama Blue Pajama comes in and giving them choices and decisions and is saying to them, you do have agency. When that little girl is left out,”
2018-10-30 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #44 Barbara Coloroso: The Kids Are Worth It · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Now, you control half of this. Yeah, but he wouldn't give me the toy. Okay, you can ask him for the toy. But once it goes over that line, it's an invitation to him and he can accept it or reject it. But he has control on that side. You control half, your brother controls half. Second lesson, you influence 100% how you ask your brother for that toy matters. Bopping him over the head will radically reduce the chances of him being willing to share. Grabbing his arm and pulling it up reduces the chance that he's willing to cooperate with you at all. And I try to use some humor in there with it as well, but I want them to understand that that didn't work. So you can influence it. And maybe you didn't think about this, but maybe you could offer him your favorite toy. And you might see a grimace at that point or two of your second favorite toys.”
2018-10-30 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #44 Barbara Coloroso: The Kids Are Worth It · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“That hurts. It's okay to get attention. I want young people to know you get out of an elevator if you're uncomfortable and not worry about what anybody else says. See, all these tools help them become very capable adults as well. So all these are learning tools using this stuff of everyday life. So restitution, resolution, how are you going to keep this from happening again? And this is where I like to take a moment with young people.”
2018-10-30 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #44 Barbara Coloroso: The Kids Are Worth It · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“It's a consequence for what you did. You harmed your brother. And you need, and we can talk about time out later and the effectiveness of that. But it's another thing you might say is that you need to sit in the third row of the car if there's a third row. I don't like the third row. I get, oh, that's a bummer. Maybe you'll think about not bopping your brother in the nose next time. But you come up with something that allows the other kid who's been harmed to have some peace and quiet. I also go up to the kid whose arm has been hurt and I rub it. I say, well, that's awful. That must have really hurt. And you know, when your sister goes to do that, so I want to, you know, let him know that I know he was hurt. But I also say to him, when you see your sister coming, fold your arms like this so she can't get him. It's okay to raise your boys and say, leave me alone.”
2018-10-30 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #44 Barbara Coloroso: The Kids Are Worth It · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Go over into your room. It's not timeout at this point, but into your room and let your brother have the rest of the house and any toys in it for a period of time. Oh, but mom, you need to do something. If you can come up with something better that gives him some peace and quiet, I'm open, but otherwise you need to leave him be. It could be for an hour, depending on age, you know, an hour, two hours. And he just has free room in the house and you can play in your room.”
2018-10-30 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #44 Barbara Coloroso: The Kids Are Worth It · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Ah, that's the restorative practices, restitution, you were hurting your brother and you seem to be getting pleasure from that with that smirk on your face. So you need to own and fix it, figure out how you're going to keep it from happening again and heal with him when he's ready for it. I'll take it back a little bit here with somebody bopping a kid over the head with a toy and smiling and the same kind of thing. Own it. I grab my brother's arm and hurt him. Sometimes that's all the brother wants is affirmation that the kid owned that they really were doing something mean and cruel. Fix it. Oh, how are you going to fix it? Well, this is tough. One of the things you could do, and that's where your wisdom comes in again, one of the things you could do is”
2018-10-30 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #44 Barbara Coloroso: The Kids Are Worth It · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“But step back a moment. When you walked in there, you saw something you wished you hadn't seen. You saw your daughter smirk before she saw you as she had that arm up the back. She had the biggest smirk on her face. The smirk is an involuntary response. When you're hurting someone and getting pleasure from their pain. And that's what bullying is about. A conscious willful, deliberate activity intended to harm where you get pleasure from somebody else's pain. And that has to be stopped.”
2018-10-30 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #44 Barbara Coloroso: The Kids Are Worth It · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“On drug abuse, for self-harm activities, and depression in the later teen years. And it's easy to see why, but we dismiss it. So you saw the fighting scene, but this is different. The 10-year-old has the five-year-old's arm up his back. We're not talking yoga pose, the kids in screaming. You rush in there, and as soon as your oldest sees you, she drops her brother's arm and starts comforting him. And we say, what are you screaming like that for? And the way your 10-year-old looks at the five-year-old, because bullying has to do with intimidation, he knows right now, if he says anything in front of you, when you leave, his sister's going to wail on him harder. So he makes a choice. He, oh, nothing, mom, nothing. And we say, well, then quit screaming like that. We have just retargeted the target.”
2018-10-30 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #44 Barbara Coloroso: The Kids Are Worth It · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“You teach that little one to do that. Nobody's going to walk all over him. Right. So you give them both the tools to handle their conflicts. And they'll have to practice and they'll make mistakes and you keep working with them. And they go through this process and then 10 minutes later they might be fighting again and you walk in and you turn the TV off. And pretty soon they get the idea of mom, we can do it. We can handle it. I know. I know we need a plan. They get it, but it'll serve them well at home and at school. And so that's real important that we teach them that. However, sibling bullying is something we have ignored for too long. There's a fascinating research project done by Volpe out of England, a 20-year longitudinal study that showed that children who are targeted by their siblings are at higher risk for being targeted by their peers, higher risk for alcohol.”
2018-10-30 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #44 Barbara Coloroso: The Kids Are Worth It · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Of the flies, you know. So I say to them, nope, that won't work. Come up with another plan. See, I haven't said, what? You can't hit your brother. You don't get hysterical. You just know that's not going to work. But if one says, you let me watch this one today, you can have two tomorrow. Now you and the older kid know tomorrow, Saturday, nothing's on. Don't say a word. This is not the teachable moment. It comes the next day when that little one goes, it's not fair. There's nothing on. I say, I noticed you're giving in to your big brother a lot. Would you like to learn a few good lines? And you teach him the lines. Like I'm willing to let you watch this program today if I can have this one on Monday, this one on Tuesday, and I want it in writing.”
2018-10-30 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #44 Barbara Coloroso: The Kids Are Worth It · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“What you need to understand is, as Liz Osher said, conflict is inevitable, violence is not. So our job as wise and caring parents is to teach Backbone parent understands the slower you walk, the quieter you are, the better your chances of it being over before you get there. And if it's still going on, you just take the remote, turn the set off, model it for them, and say you're both fighting. Don't say give me your side of the story, give me your side of the story. I've never gotten a news story out or two editorial, so I'm not going to bother. So I say you're fighting. You may turn this set back on as soon as you both have a plan. Now what I need to implan, they never say it nicely, oh mom, we need a plan, so don't count on it. But one of three things will happen. They'll share. They'll both get up and leave it. Or one of them will come up with a plan they both can live with. As long as the one who came up with a plan does not use brute force or intimidation. I mean, if once it's almost beat you over the head, you say, that's not a good plan. I mean, there's a reason we're hanging with kids. They're going to grow up, but we have to be there to raise them unless we get.”
2018-10-30 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #44 Barbara Coloroso: The Kids Are Worth It · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“His coat handled that beautifully. He demonstrated owning mistakes. He said, Joseph, get over here. And Joe walks over. He says, I'm sorry, coach. I'm sorry. He said, I don't want it. I'm sorry. That was a beautiful goal. Now get out there and get one for us. You see, the coach said, own it. Don't blame it on you. In fact, you came out of goalie. Don't blame it on the fact you fell on your shoelaces. Just own it. I made a goal for the other team. Fix it. learn from it move on so we can use that in our everyday life with all ages of children after about age two”
2018-10-30 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #44 Barbara Coloroso: The Kids Are Worth It · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“resolution and reconciliation and they need us to help them get through that. The middle one, our son had made a mistake. He made a goal for the opposing team in a major tournament. And people on the sidelines were yelling and screaming. He came out of goalie, went on the field, fell down on his shoelaces untied. And got up, grabbed the ball, and went down as his teammate is screaming, no joe, no joe, this is our goal. And Joey was ready to make that goal. And he made a beautiful left of a goal. And then realized.”
2018-10-30 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #44 Barbara Coloroso: The Kids Are Worth It · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Me names, don't take your pleasure from my pain. And he says, I'm not asking you to be my friend, but is it too much to ask? Don't laugh at me. Don't call me names. And so the targeted child might say, I don't want to sit at lunch with you. Thank you for the offer. Most targeted kids are kind caring people. So they might say thank you. But I don't want to do that. I just need to know that when I send any class, I'm not going to be called a gross name. When I go online, I don't see my name. I'm not locked out of a chat room. This is what I need. In restorative practices for that kind of scenario of mayhem, what we do is we empower the targeted kid and we humble, not humiliate. I'm not into humiliation, but we humble the person who did the mean and cruel act. I don't care whether it's kids at home because we do have sibling bullying or kids at school. The process is basically the three R's.”
2018-10-30 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #44 Barbara Coloroso: The Kids Are Worth It · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Oh, but my mom won't let me use a computer until I get through this process. That's a bummer. Come back without the smart on your face. But most of the time they're ready. And they say, I did call you a gross name. And I regret that. And this is how I want to fix it. I'm going to sit in the back of the class. And the other child might say, oh, you don't have to do that. Just don't call me names. But they might say, good. Sit in the back of the class. Sit in the front. Then they say, you know what? I'd like to invite you to sit at the lunch table with us because this group of girls and myself locked you out of the lunchroom or a chat room. And we'd like to invite you. Now, the targeted kid might say, thank you. I'd love to sit with you. But they might not. They might say what Steve Suskin said in that powerful song that he and Alan Chamlin wrote and Peter Paul and Mary Made Famous. Don't laugh at me. Don't laugh at me.”
2018-10-30 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #44 Barbara Coloroso: The Kids Are Worth It · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“But others, when it was called a gross name, said to sit down with the kid and I'm there and it's not conflict resolution. That's totally separate. That's done with conflict, not with bullying. When it is, I say, okay, first thing you have to do, and I've talked to the kid who was targeted, I give them tools for standing up and speaking out when it happens to them. We want to help them. We want to empower them. But I also feel that what the other person did was mean and cruel and bullying we stop. So when they sit down together, the bully has to say, this is what I did. Often what a target wants to hear is the bully just admitting they did it. And if they have a smirk on their face when they say it, I say, we're done, we're done, we're not ready yet because the kid is still smiling and smirking about the event. They don't have any remorse for it yet.”
2018-10-30 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #44 Barbara Coloroso: The Kids Are Worth It · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“That's the whole thing from rent pajama, blue pajama through all of this, both discipline and choices, you are helping young people say that I have agency in my life, that what I do matters and that I can affect change in the world. And it can be for good or for ill. And that's a choice I get to make. I want them to see they do have choices that they can make. The third step is probably the most difficult to heal with the person you've harmed when the person who was targeted is ready. Now, if you dunk the kid's head in the toilet, he may never be ready to meet with you. And that's that child needs to live with. The kid who did the dunking has to live with is that kid doesn't even want you around.”
2018-10-30 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #44 Barbara Coloroso: The Kids Are Worth It · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Oh, that's a bummer. Maybe you'll think about not calling anybody gross names because it meant you had to change your English class.”
2018-10-30 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #44 Barbara Coloroso: The Kids Are Worth It · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“What I do say to them is you need to let them know that you did this and that you're fixing it. And that I do demand. I don't demand an apology, but they must fix what they did. And other things like let's say they called somebody a name sitting in class and it was overheard by me. I say, ooh, no more not here, never. That was me. That was cruel. And this is safe harbor for every child in this classroom. And they need to fix it. And they say, well, I just won't call her name. I said, no, you're going to, here's some options. You can sit in the front of the class. You can sit class for the rest of the term. You cannot sit near her, giving them options. Obviously, they're not coming up with this, but I give them options that they can choose to do. For some kids, if it's serious enough, you need to take a different English class so that kid is not tormented the rest of this term. Now, let's look at your schedule. Oh, but that means I won't have lunch with my friend.”
2018-10-30 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #44 Barbara Coloroso: The Kids Are Worth It · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“You get one of three kinds. I'm sorry, real heartfelt, or I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. They keep doing it again and again. It's like some people use confessions, some people listening will have no idea that I'm talking about, or they will say, I'm sorry you were offended, which by the way is not an apology.”
2018-10-30 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #44 Barbara Coloroso: The Kids Are Worth It · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Okay, the name on the wall, restitution. Own that you did it and own and fix it. So you've got to erase it. Now, let's say they said it online as well. They have to go in and try to get that off, which is almost impossible. It can be scrubbed, but that's expensive. But you can also have the child send out a message. I said these ugly things, so you don't repeat it. But I said these ugly things about this person. What I said was meaning cruel. If you received it, would you please delete it? If you sent it on to others, would you send this note on? It's a humbling experience for them to do that. But if it's on the wall, then they have to scrub it off and own that they did it. Fix it. Second is figure out how you're going to keep it from happening again. And most kids will say, oh, I won't do that again. I said, well, that's good. That's what you won't do. I want you to tell me what you will do.”
2018-10-30 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #44 Barbara Coloroso: The Kids Are Worth It · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Floor. The 16 year old can't pick up the caustic material, but he can get the hazmat kit and you can demonstrate to the whole class how you pick up caustic material. Then he has to replace the beaker. And then he has to do his experiment again. So own it, fix it, learn from it, move on. With a three-year-old, you say, which of these two plastic glasses would you like to use today That same principle of own it, fix it, learn from it, and move on. So we don't have to have a lot of confusing rules and levels of discipline. You know, if a kid dunks a kid's head in the toilet, which is mayhem, I am not going to give him a warning or her a warning. I mean, we're going to treat it as mean and cruel right away. How would you?”
2018-10-30 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #44 Barbara Coloroso: The Kids Are Worth It · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Them, what they've done wrong, give them ownership of the problem, give them ways to solve it, leave their dignity intact. If it's mayhem, we do three R's. It's called Restorative Practices, Restitution, Resolution, and Reconciliation. In other words, you have to own and fix what you did, figure out how you're going to keep it from happening again, and find a way to heal with the person that you have truly harmed. And so going back, If a child makes a mistake, a three-year-old drops a glass on the floor or a 16-year-old in a lab class drops a beaker that has caustic material. Both are mistakes. They were not intentional. They have to own it. They can't blame it on a crooked table. They can't blame it on a slippery glass. They have to fix it. Now, a three-year-old cannot pick up glass, but they can get a bag and you can pick up the glass while they hold the bag and they can help mop up the bag.”
2018-10-30 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #44 Barbara Coloroso: The Kids Are Worth It · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Runs along leaving art class and his felt tip marker has the lid off. And he's accidentally marking up the wall. That's a mistake. Another child does tic-tac-doe on the wall. That's mischief. Another child writes a gross term and another child's name. That's mayhem. All three markings, but the intent is different. So what I want young people to know, again, at home and at school, that if you make a mistake, it's a very simple formula, simple doesn't make it easy. With a mistake, you own it, you fix it, you learn from it, and you move on. So as educators, if we know, and I've seen it posted in classrooms after I've done lectures in schools, that whether you're a kindergarten kid or a 12th grader, if you make a mistake, your job is to own it, fix it, learn from it, and move on. If it's mischief, we shall”
2018-10-30 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #44 Barbara Coloroso: The Kids Are Worth It · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Academic skills, work study skills, and affective skills, because that's how kids are successful. And do you have that plan to constantly increase that? Again, helping them develop what I call interdiscipline, self-discipline. And then I look at what do we do at home or at school if they make a mistake, create mischief, or cause mayhem. Now, I must say right up front, any and all bullying because it's an attack on another human being is mayhem, but there are degrees of mayhem and not all mayhem is bullying. You can have a one-on-one fight that's so serious that it becomes mayhem. So that aside, when kids make a mistake, bullying's not a mistake, calling somebody a gross name, dunking their head in the toilet is not a mistake. And although people will say, oh, he made a big mistake. No, he didn't. He created mayhem. So let's look at the distinction there.”
2018-10-30 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #44 Barbara Coloroso: The Kids Are Worth It · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“It's with shoes on the wrong feet. If they hurt, they'd move them. But we worry, worry, worry. I've yet to see a senior with shoes on the wrong feet. But there's been a lot of their early childhood worrying about it. Now it's letting go and saying what truly can a kid do, age appropriate, ability appropriate. And that'll be different for each child. And our goal is to constantly increase responsibilities and decision-making, decrease limits and boundaries so that when they leave our homes and our schools, they are truly responsible for all of their own behavior and for their own choices in terms of mistakes they've made and how to fix them and the like. So you start with responsibility and decision making. And then after we'd looked at that in all areas, I ask educators, do you have a plan from kindergarten through grade 12 in this district to increase responsibilities in decision making and activities?”
2018-10-30 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #44 Barbara Coloroso: The Kids Are Worth It · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Stick with the big stuff you need to get hysterical about. And so they show up with that mix. Then you constantly increase responsibility decisions both at home and in the classroom that give them the opportunity to make those choices, real choices. So I go from Red Pajama, blue pajama to three outfits pick one to here's your school clothes, here's your play clothes, pick something from your school clothes. And regularly our middle daughter would show up with a layered look. All school clothes just definitely layered. Now, I know a lot of parents who would say, go pick at an outfit, oh, you can't wear that one. Now, it's not life-threatening to a kid to wear the layered look. It's painful for parent, but it's not life-threatening. You let it go.”
2018-10-30 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #44 Barbara Coloroso: The Kids Are Worth It · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“It's part of our culture. Well, let's look at first giving them choices and decisions. I don't say to a two-year-old, do you want to go to bed or not? That's not a decision they get to make. But I do say, do you want to go to bed now with your red pajamas or now with your blue pajamas? And they show up red bottoms, blue top. I've always said if it's not life-threatening, morally threatening or unhealthy, let it go.”
2018-10-30 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #44 Barbara Coloroso: The Kids Are Worth It · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I want young people who do the right thing when it's difficult to do. And so what do we do in the classroom and what do we do at home that encourages that? We give them opportunities to make choices and decisions and mistakes. We hold them accountable and allow them to see that they truly do have agency in their lives. So what they do matters.”
2018-10-30 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #44 Barbara Coloroso: The Kids Are Worth It · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Criminal bullying, and the kids say, Let's go mess him up. I want your son to be the one to say no. When the burden's heavy, when his friends say, what are you chicken? What do you just like him? So I look both as a parent and as an educator, as how do we raise a generation willing to stand up and speak out and step in and not be praised dependent and reward dependent? Praise dependent and reward dependent children make wonderful henchmen for bullies. They will do the bullies bidding because they want whatever reward that bully is down.”
2018-10-30 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #44 Barbara Coloroso: The Kids Are Worth It · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I want a child who will stand up for values against injustices when it costs them, not when they're getting rewarded for catching being good because it's all about getting caught. When the high status social bullying says to all the other girls in grade eight, if you want to be in my group, which is a reward, don't eat lunch with the new girl. I want your daughter to be the one to say, that's mean. That's cruel. And have the courage, and it does take courage to go sit next to the new girl because she will do that at cost. She is not going to get any scratching stickers and stars, lunch with the principal, which she'll probably get is almost goody to shoes or you're next. And I want your sons, when their friends say, look at that kid over there, different skin color, religion, gender, physical or mental ability, the big five for hate crimes. What makes a hate crime different than any other crime?”
2018-10-30 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #44 Barbara Coloroso: The Kids Are Worth It · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“That I'm not doing things to that child that would like hitting a child. I am opposed to that because I think it destroys their sense of self-worth and dignity. And in return, I have harmed a child. And I want to look at alternatives. The title of my video, my very first one, was Winning at Parenting Without Beating Your Kids and Winning at Teaching Without Beating Your Kids. And I mean that not only in a humorous way, but also in a serious way because we still have 19 states in this country that allow corporal punishment. But I'm talking more about the power struggles we get into with kids. And this is where I felt that bribes and threats and rewards and punishments, which, by the way, have become an insidious part of our culture, really interferes with raising an ethical human being. And that's where I went back to my sociology and my theology and philosophy.”
2018-10-30 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #44 Barbara Coloroso: The Kids Are Worth It · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Help them become all they can become. Second, I won't treat them in a way I myself would not want to be treated if I wouldn't want it done to me. I'm not going to do it to a child. And the third, if it works, it must leave my dignity and the child's dignity intact. Now just if it works or appears to work, but does it work and leave both of our dignity intact?”
2018-10-30 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #44 Barbara Coloroso: The Kids Are Worth It · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“The area of behavior modification, because that was big in the late 60s. And that again, getting kids to do, and I want them to do by using rewards and bribes and threats and punishment really went against actually what I was learning in my theology and philosophy courses, which were required as a nun. And they ran headlong into that with this is how we should bribe children and threaten them and reward them and punish them. And so in my real world experience in the classroom, I realized that I would far better rely on my philosophy, sociology, and theology training to work with kids. And I came up with three basic tenets. One, kids are worth it. I believe they're worth our time, energy, and resources.”
2018-10-30 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #44 Barbara Coloroso: The Kids Are Worth It · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT