YouSaid · the spoken record

Becky Kennedy

lines on the record: 141
first: 2024-02-06
most recent: 2024-02-06
sittings or episodes: 1
sources: podcast

Every line below is reproduced as it was said and linked to the record it came from. Nothing here is summarised or generated. Directory · Search · Corrections

“About success Being able to like live in line with values. I think to me that's like feels good. Like when you're aware of what your values are and you're able to kind of act and behave most of the time in a way that's really in line with them. I think this really circles back to our conversation. I think our ability to do that really depends on our emotion regulation skills, on our strong relationships, you know, about reflecting and being curious about why we do the things we do. But to me, like I feel really successful on days when I feel like, oh, and like I'm living in line with the things that I value, I'm showing up in the world in that way.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Like you produce. And what he says about parenting, he goes, what parenting really is, is being forever cast into a relationship with a stranger. And every time I just think, I just think so many of our struggles as parents come down to that. Like we don't reproduce. We produce. And this kid is a stranger. And our job is to kind of get to know them. But the word reproduction brings like right from the start brings up very different fantasies for us.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“That's right. I'm always, you know, I don't know if you read Far From the Tree by Andrew Solomon, but to me, the prologue, the first page, like I think every parent should read and it just starts with him saying there's no such thing as reproduction. The word reproduction is a fantasy”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I think probably for a number of reasons. I think we're just like very unprepared psychologically for what happens when we become a parent. You know, our kids come along and so many of our on-lived dreams are insecurities, the things we never got to do. We don't even realize how we see our kids as like a channel to achieve those things. And we think we can like heal ourselves, you know, through our kids as opposed to the opposite journey, which is like pausing and instead of gazing outward, like to our kids to fix them, almost gazing inward. Like, wait, what's going on for me here? I think everyone who's becoming a parent should probably take time to reflect on like, what are my insecurities? What are the parts of life that I, you know, regret or didn't get? Or, you know, did I never become a D1 athlete? And what would that become? What would be like if I had a kid? Like, what's probably going to come out, right? I think we're kind of unprepared for the amount of.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And so I think, you know, I think what's important as much as possible is to try to really like center our kids in this. Like, what do they like? What are they interested in? Are they seeming to get something out of this? What's their wish? What's my wish? Is it their wish because they're interested? Are they just trying to like, they kind of notice how happy this seems to make me and they want to be like a good, you know, daughter in my eyes, like those questions are helpful.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I think about competitive sports. I mean, you know, I'm not sure exactly how to answer that, but I don't know if there's a lot of things that I start thinking about. I think about how early kids are, you know, I think pushed into these like super intense sports where I feel like when I was growing up, kids did a lot of different things. And then I'm also thinking, I don't know if this is where you're thinking about, about parents' relationship with their kids' athleticism and what, you know, goes on in the sidelines and kind of, I think in a way, like our unlived dreams, you know, translated into pressure and identification with our kids, you know, and it's almost hard to separate. Who's engaging in the competitive sport? Like my kid or me.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“But at the expense of maybe long term skills. And we have to give ourselves permission to do that sometimes. Sometimes you're like, I just have to make it easy. Like, don't forget your homework or something, right? But I think in general, the pattern, I think that's something we can really reflect on and then maybe shift, you know, a little bit with our kids.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Him okay He forgets. He doesn't have his bathing suit. His gym teacher is like, oh, like, you need to have your bathing, whatever happens. And my guess is then he'd be more likely to remember, right? As long as I'm stepping in and doing the remembering for my kid, I don't know why we think our kid is going to start doing the remembering for themselves. It actually reminds me of the towel. Maybe I'd say seems hard to remember. How could you remember like how, and he'd be like, oh, maybe I'll do the towel thing. I'll cut it great idea, right? So I think one of the things you have to think about if we don't want to have this like prolonged adolescence in our kid is how am I scaffolding skills that my kid can have? How am I helping them build independence?”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“To me, one of the things that I think for some reason is getting increasingly hard to do in parenting is just letting your kid live the results of their actions, you know? And to me, that's not like the word consequence, but to me a great example, and it does relate to prolonged adolescence versus, I think when we say launching into adulthood, it's just like feeling capable and feeling more independent. I think we have to ask ourselves like when my kids are young and entering adolescence for getting prolonged, am I setting them up for that, right? Am I setting them up? What is the circuit? I'm always thinking about this. What is the circuit I'm building with my kid? So, for example, my kid recently had swim in middle school. And I saw, he forgot his bathing suit, right? And like I probably could have like jumped in my car or something. And I'm just like, okay, what's the circuit? And this is not have to be like all the time. But in general, it's like, okay, he forgets, you know, and then someone remembers.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“So I don't know if that's like it actually just makes me think again if I'm sitting on the same side of the table as my kid would be like, hey, you're an adult now. Like, I don't know. I feel like Sia, like, okay. But I think underlying this question is like, when does my kid become a more independent? And like, when do they start to take care of themselves? Right. And I actually think this gets back to something we didn't touch on, but you mentioned earlier, which is the idea of like letting our kids struggle.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Like it would, it's hard to have your phone and perform well. And like, I know he wants to do well inherently. I also know phones are addicting and playing a video game or looking up stats on ESPN is inherently more fun than doing hard math homework for anyone. So I'm helping him. I'm protecting him. But through this boundary, so hey, sweetie, just a reminder, your phone goes here. It's just too hard for any of us to focus, you know, with our phone right there when we're doing hard work. And yeah, as soon as it's all done, this will come back to you. And that's also the way I would want, again, like my partner or another adult to talk to me.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Right. And there's a way in which I think that could be shifted. So, like, let's say it's like you can have your phone until you do homework to me. This actually is all about that mindset. Am I looking at you on one side of the table? Are we on the same side of the table? Like my son, my right has a phone. Okay. My oldest and like he doesn't get as between getting home and doing his homework, right? He doesn't have his phone and then he gets it after. But not because like first like I'm not going to give it to you until after it's like out of, again, like this is a problem we're both in together”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Never relationship with him. And now he was big and old and never too late. We did so much work. There was a lot of repair and moving forward in a very different direction. But yeah, it's like, it sounds so obvious, but it's like our kids are human. They're human. They're closer to adults than they are to animals that you're trying to train and shape their behavior. And yes, I think the way to think about your relationship with your kid and the place it's at is like the way we relate to each other and the way I relate to my child. It's not the same, but is it based on the same principles at least in which I would engage in my like healthiest adult relationship?”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“It's transactional. What's so tricky is teens will get to the age where like they don't have to hang out with you and like they're too big to put in a timeout. Don't care about sticker charts and they don't care about rewards. I think about this teen who and his parents came to see me in my practice and they came only because he had stopped going to school. So like it was, you know, that's pretty intense. Like school refusal, right? Like then you're like, shoot, like, what do I do? My 14-year-old stopping. And I got the whole history. And this was a kid. And the parents were always getting all these recommendations. Like the kid was, quote, difficult. So they did a lot of timeouts and punishments and sticker charts and rewards and ignoring and power struggles. And they missed out on 14 years of having a relationship with him.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Know this is annoying, and we're both like kind of trying to do our own things, or any way you get me water. The reason I'd say yes is because I felt close to him. Maybe earlier in the day, he listened to me. Maybe he's been really supportive. And that's why because I feel close to him. And if he said to me, if you get me water. If you get me, why I'm just laughing. If you get me water 10 days in a row, I'm going to give you a diamond necklace. Okay. I'd be like, okay, I probably will. But I would also feel like our relationship is probably like not in a great place.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I get my husband water really. I'd either get him water because I was scared of him. I would. Wiring fear next to love is not something I recommend because yes, what that means I'll lay it out is your kid will go into their adult relationships thinking loving relationships are one in which you fear your partner and that's who they'll be attracted to literally that's what their attraction will be I don't know any adult who wants that so I do not recommend for a lot of reasons why else would I get my husband water well first of all I probably wouldn't have yelled at me across but if he was like”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I think about this like if I was sitting on my couch and I was just like you know in the two minutes I have before my kids go to bed and I go to bed my two minutes I'm like reading a book and my husband was also on the couch and he's like hey can you go to the kitchen get me water and I was like I'm like reading my book like sorry like you can get water and he was like you have a listening problem and I'm gonna take away your phone okay I just I feel like if someone was watching I feel like they'd be like Becky like I feel like that's gaslighting at best maybe abusive like I feel like that is that is if anything like that is his problem you just didn't get him water right and we do that to our kids all the time and if you're like me and your words you're like turn off the TV you're not even near them you're just like yell it'd be like my husband in his room being like go get me water and bring it to the bedroom and i'm like wtf no and then he punishes me and we do that to our kids all the time so listening cooperation like why would”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I mean, I think that that's, you know, like here's a great example of that. I think one of the number one thing people tell me is there's a lot of different things, but is my kid doesn't listen. My kid doesn't listen to me. They don't listen to me, right? Like, so common.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Well, I'm trying to get to the bottom of your question because when I think about currency. Me, and maybe it kind of goes back to your question of like the status of our relationship with our kid to me, if we're thinking about our relationship with our kid in terms of what we could give or take away that they care about, we're not in a great place. Because I think if someone heard my husband being like, What can I take away from Becky or give her if she just, you know, did the dishwasher more? I feel like they'd be like, wow, I don't know if I can answer your question as much as I'm struck by this disturbing nature of your question.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Kid's going to be a little more engaged, right? And then I would write it down, and then you review oh, 12, you know, oh, that many hours video games. Oh, you know what? I don't know. 10 p.m. to 4 a.m. It's like it's kind of a lot, you know, and I don't know. Maybe you need more than three hours. I'm just going to like kind of put an X in that one. It's probably not our best idea. And again, what you hear in this example is this is me and my son against kind of the video game schedule. It's not me against my son.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“People are saying, especially if they're topics that are kind of conflictual, the other person immediately feels respected, right? Like imagine your boss being like, wait, you want to raise me, write down all the reasons. You'd be like, wow, I feel very seen. You know, so to actually write it down. And to start this off in a productive way, it's really helpful to like break the ice a little bit as a parent with like the first thing. So it could be like, when can you play video games, right? And maybe like I would start off saying like, you know, I've actually totally changed my mind and I kind of feel like you probably only need three hours of sleep. And so I think you should play video games from, I don't know, probably from like 10 p.m. to like 4 a.m. Okay, so I'm just going to write it down and like my son will probably be like, but like if I get the eye roll, he thinks he's rolling his eyes and I'm like, I just won there because like I'm just like starting. So I'd write down literally one video games from, you know, 10 p.m. to 4 a.m. Okay, two. And as soon as you start that way, you're”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Time to like call kind of a family meeting of sorts, that's what I call them, where, especially as your kids get older, say, hey, like, I think we should have a meeting, you know, and really talk about screen time and when it happens and where it happens. And I'm going to have some ideas. You're going to have some ideas. We'll kind of get them all down on paper. And then we'll probably agree on some ideas that each of us don't totally love but can agree to. Right. And then actually doing that and to be like, okay, so when should you, let's talk about when you're going to do video games, other things related to that are homework are, you know, playing, you know, with your sister, you know, or, you know, like general, how are you doing in school? I don't think that's the only thing that matters, but maybe it's one data source that we think about. Okay, let's go through it. And then what I think is really key, okay, is when you start to brainstorm, first of all, to literally write things down. That's not like just something I'm saying. When you write down things.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Well, I think now we're talking about so many different things about grades and about our focus on them and kids building intrinsic motivation versus extrinsic motivation. And, you know. I the part of that that I think is well intentioned, okay, is I mean, everything's well intentioned, but the part of me that strikes me about that in a positive way is I think to some degree we're saying I want to make sure you're like doing the developmental tasks of your age. Like you're supposed to be going to school, you're supposed to be doing your work. And if I think you're, and we both think you're kind of capable of performing in a certain way, not for some outside reason, but just because it's in line with your abilities, like I want to make sure you're progressing in that way. And maybe these are markers that you're kind of completing those developmental tasks. I get that. I don't think that's how kids receive it. I think it feels like grades are the thing that matters. And, you know, that's all. I mean, I really don't think there's a perfect system. So that's why I think I think we're all like muddying around in this. I do think when it comes to, you know, screen time and how much and when, to me, this is like actually a great.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Like, well, you're going to do something for the very first time to your teenage son who you know is going to be upset and you think that's going to feel great or feel even successful? Of course not. Like do a drive run. Do it with your friend and have them. I would really have my husband in the case be like, no. And like it will feel a little funny because I know he's acting, but my body will start to develop like a little bit of a circuit for saying it, for tolerating it. So then at least with my son, it's my second time. And not like the first time.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“We kind of fool ourselves into thinking if I make an amazing decision as a parent, my kid's going to be like, that sounds good. But we also do the opposite is that when we see our kid be very mad at us, we think it means we made a bad decision. And to me, the idea of like two things are true. I'm allowed to make decisions and my kid is allowed to have emotional reactions. Neither is more true than the other, neither is more right than the other. They're just two truths. I have to hold at once can really prepare us. And so if you're going to have a conversation like this, we can go through other things about this too. Actually, going in as a parent, and I always call this emotional vaccination, right? Like vaccinating ourselves. Like I would actually go through this. This was me and I was nervous. And this is like a new thing for me to do. I'd probably like play this out with a partner or friend. I'd be like, can you be our son? Like, can you do it? I'd give myself a rep. Like it is like taking foul shots in the gym. Like I find sports to be like most useful metaphor. Like, you know, we take foul shots in the gym so we can do it in the game.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Very human sort of need, right? And I think, though, we know also from so much research how much teens like. Have find so much comfort when their parents are protecting them. They don't gratify you. Like, by the way, if I said this thing, which is about the phone thing, like my son, even if I deliver it the way, it's not going to be like, mom, you are such a sturdy leader and I feel so taken care of by you. I just want to tell you that. No, no. He would not. That would be crazy town. My son, my son too, would be like, that's not fair. And all my friends do. And you're saying, you know, trust me. Or are you saying you don't trust me? I'd be like, sweetie, this is not about trust. This is actually just about me making a decision that I know is the right one. That's really all it's about. I think this also relates to something we aren't taught and therefore don't expect as parents that two things that are totally independent is us making a good decision as a parent and our kid having a big emotional reaction. They're both equally true and equally valid.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Then I guess then they're trying to be friends with their kids to me. That's never how I try to be friends of my friends, definitely not with my kids. To me, any good relationship comes from both being connected to someone else and connected to yourself.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yeah, it's interesting. Like, I think about how important it is to be connected to our kids. And let's say friends is a form of connection. I don't know, though. Like in my close friendships, I'm not boundaryless. Like, I don't think a good friendship is always making my friends happy. So if that's someone definition of friend.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Harsh and critical. Okay, okay. So I have the two ends. Let me try it again. Like, literally, just it's like we said it's like practice, right? And it goes back to boundaries, right? Like I can't ask my kid. Be doing my job for me. And I think we do that a lot with kids and they smell it, and it's why they act out more not to take advantage of us, but because they don't feel like they have a sturdy leader.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Um, I know you notice your grades have been slipping, and I'm just thinking about your phone in your room, and I know you know that's not a good idea, right? You know that's not a good idea, right? And I think today we should try, that literally is like a pilot coming on being like, you guys know it's a good idea to land in Denver, right? Like, can I just get a vote out there? Don't you think it's a good idea to have an emergency landing? You'd be like, where is my leader? This is crazy talk. Just tell me, you know? And I think that metaphor matters so much because what I would tell parents to do, and I really mean this concretely, get out your phone, first write a script for yourself. You can read it to your kids if this is new for you to kind of embody your authority in an appropriate way, right? Not in a mean way, but an appropriate way. Get out a voice recorder and read the script into your phone and then play it back to yourself. It's amazing. You'll be like, wow, I really sounded like I was asking my kid. I don't even believe myself. I didn't even believe myself. And then say it again. And you'd be like, wow, that sounded like mean and.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Adults, it would be while we have a device that has so many fun games on it right next to us. And I know that's a change. And I know that the first couple days will be hard. And I actually know that at some point after it'll become a lot easier. Just like, and I know in my modeling of that for sure, it's really easy to say that to you like you're not my kid and you're not about to like yell at me, right? But what parents say to me all the time is they're like the way you said that sounded like actually like nice but like no nonsense like I didn't doubt that you meant that you know because I think our kids smell our doubt and also what we do and I just want to model this”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“My kid always does, and they're like not just 13 anymore, they're 17. And how could I change that? I'm going to walk through how to change that. Hey, sweetie, I have somebody to tell you. I know you're not going to like it, but look, I've been thinking about certain things. And my number one job is to like help make good decisions, even when you're upset with me. That's actually how much I love you that I'm willing to make decisions that I really do believe are good for you, even if you're going to be really, really mad at me. And I'm about to share one of those decisions. When you come home from school, We have a box to put your phone in. And it's not walking away. That phone comes back to you as soon as you finish your homework. And I know you're used to having your phone in your room. And I know I've allowed it. I know we've argued about it starting tomorrow. It's not happening. I just want to be fair. It's not. And if you yell at me and if you're mad, it's not happening. And the reason it's not happening is because it's not like you have bad willpower. It is literally impossible to focus on schoolwork.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“The pilot was like, you know what? Forget it. Forget it. Everyone seems pretty upset. We're just going to keep going. Like, I don't think anyone would want that pilot. You'd actually probably be pissed at your pilot for even though like you believe maybe it's dangerous, but maybe you underestimate it. You're like, we have to land in Denver. I'm so annoyed. But like, you'd be so freaking grateful that the pilot knew what their job was, even though people were putting up a protest. And like we are that pilot for our kids. You can change altitude, change course, change rules. And if you know your kid has their phone in the room and they're doing their homework, period. Like our kids should not have their phones in their room when they're doing their homework. And let's even take that.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“It's to keep my kids safe. I actually say that to my kids a lot. What's my number one job to keep you safe or happy? I'll be like, I know safe. Right. But it's really true. Okay, next. As parents, we can change our rules anytime. Like to me, this is one of the biggest things I would talk about with parents in private practice. They'd be like, these are the things that aren't working. And it would be like their bedtime's too late or screen rolls. I'd be like, okay, talking about changing them. They're like, oh, it's too late. It's like it's been like this. You know, I don't know like imagine being on a plane flying to California and like it's not just turbulent like major issues and you have to make an emergency landing and the pilot's like well I don't know we've got to go to Los Angeles so I guess there's nothing we could do what like change course and if the pilot was like we're gonna make an emergency landing in Denver and all the passengers are like what that's so annoying and”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Maybe that's obvious, but it's also a line I've said to my kids since they were young when my issues weren't screens, but it was like, I don't know, throwing sand at another kid and, you know, the sandbox, at which point I'd pick my son up and he's like, no, no. And, you know, even though he'd thrown five times, I'd say, I'm picking you up, I'm bringing you to the car. My number one job is to keep you safe. And I will keep you safe even when you're upset with me. Like I used to like, and it's so interesting how I think about that now. Our number one job is to keep our kids safe. And we love our kids so much that we will keep them safe even when they're upset with us. And putting that into practice is messy for sure. But I still think the principle really matters. My number one job is not to keep my kid happy.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I think that's the best it gets, right? So I have a few more ideas than that. So second, kids cannot self-regulate with fonts, period. I would also say adults cannot self-regulate with phones. They are stronger than us. I have a very hard time if my phone's anywhere near me, not grabbing it and think about something to do. So the idea that a kid won't self-regulate or isn't listening or isn't getting off when they know their time is up, I think we have to actually say like they are literally incapable of doing that. And I think that's actually a really important foundation because it changes the types of interventions we would even think to use. So that's two. Three. Number one job as parents is to keep our kids safe.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“So, first of all, the deck is stacked against us here. I just want to say this. Like, I think back on the days where, I mean, I think this is true. Sorry, my history isn't amazing, but like, I'm guessing at some point kids could buy cigarettes, you know. And it would be like, how do I stop my kids? How do I stop my kids? And at some point, the government's like, we can't leave it to parents. Like these things are awful for kids. We know that. They're not in a place to make good decisions. And so there has to be legislation to make change. I really believe kids in screens are the same. And like, we're living in a time now. We're just all on parents. And I just feel for every parent. So it's just if it feels really hard and you're struggling like.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“It almost just would like bring up that part of it. Like, I just like that, I don't know. And again, you don't have to because it's like if my partner doesn't, it doesn't mean I've justified that I'm allowed to. You know, react with judgment. But to me, again, it makes it feel like let's together figure out where our conversation goes off and work together so we can, you know, move in a more productive direction.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I love that. And again, that idea of is it me against you versus me and you against a problem is helpful because if someone's like, I tend to get kind of judgmental when my partner shares their feelings and I tend to be like, well, I wouldn't feel that way. And so I'm sorry you feel that way. If you know that and you want to work on it, it's an amazing thing to first share that with your partner, to be like, this is something I'm working on. It's like, you know, it really is. And this is totally not your responsibility. But again, because I see it as me and my partner against this problematic dynamic, I might say, look, the next time you do share when you're mad at me, this is so not your responsibility. But if you're able, right, if you could like say to me, like, I don't need you to agree, just be curious, whatever it is for you.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yeah. And I would actually go so far, Shane, to say, like, I actually don't think it's great to agree with it either. Like, I don't know. You probably, maybe you wouldn't feel that way. Like, in my relationship, my husband says stuff to me all the time that I'm like, my first reaction to is like, oh, like, oh my God, because I wouldn't. That way, but I'm like, wait, I'm in Becky mode. I know, okay, I want to feel that way. Like almost like, who cares? Like, he's sharing with me how he feels, or, you know, same thing as the opposite. So I actually think it's so helpful when we're in relationships to get out of agreeing or disagreeing. I actually think, I don't know, I'm just thinking about this now, like, right, when you're curious about something, you're not sure if you agree or disagree. You're actually just like”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Glad you're telling me about that usually starts to get a little closer than actually that next line, I believe you. Like I believe you that you were really hurt. And again, you're not saying, and I think this is actually so important in parenting too. Understanding how someone feels in a deep way is not at all the same thing as agreeing to the Saying I would feel that way too, or saying that some way is to feel is right in the world, like in some grand way. It's just understanding. It's not condoning. It's just understanding, right? And then like, oh, so tell me what that was like for you. Like those three lines, I think are actually such an amazing guide in that situation”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“getting to know more of you. And I think you're right. Then same thing with our kids. I'm sorry you feel that way. Probably something we should always catch ourselves if we can before we say it because it feels like it's like neither here nor there. And so many of the lines we talked about, honestly, if you think about a partner, right? Who says this, right? You were gone for two days. Like it's the same thing. They're like sitting on a bench, right? And they're like sad. They're sad. Or they're mad. Usually under mad is sad also, you know, so it's probably a little bit of both, right? I'm mad, I'm sad. And if you think about sitting down, right, you'd say like, it's actually a great first line. Like, I'm so glad you're telling me that. Like, right. And it's so interesting how much that diffuses mad right away. Because like most people, when they're angry, they are ready to fight, right? And like they're gearing up, right? And actually under mad usually is some more vulnerable emotion. And I think like I'm.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And for me, when you don't text for those two days, I spiral a little bit. I feel unseen. I feel like maybe you forgot about me. You know, maybe that's dramatic, but that's in somewhere inside me. And my need is for more communication for you than your need would be from me. I think if someone said it to us, we'd be like, okay, when you lay it out that way, like, I guess when we say I don't agree, what we're really usually saying is I wouldn't feel that way if I were you, which I don't think anyone would disagree with, right? I think one of the hardest parts about being in a relationship with someone who's inherently different is that like, wait, I wouldn't feel that way, but you do feel that way. And I do love you. And I am choosing to be in a relationship with you. So we have this choice. It's like I can kind of lean on. And I think like there's my righteousness, I wouldn't feel that way. Or I can be curious about.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“That's right, is a bid, exactly. And, you know, almost, and we don't communicate this way, but it's almost like what a partner is saying is like, look, you and I are different. And if I was traveling for two days, you might not even notice that I didn't text. Or I might come home and be like, wow, you were really busy. Tell me about how those days”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I think the first thing that really helps when our partner shares how they feel. My partner is inviting me. To get to know more about them. Is an invitation Getting, they're showing me another part of themselves that's very vulnerable, and they'd like me to be in a relationship with that part of them. Now, I know this is tricky because you're like, but my partner's also saying that I did something to relate to that part. Well, we all do this, but they're also saying almost like more zoomed out, like. Now that that thing already happened, like I'm coming to you and this is, I think the Gottman's call, this is like a bid for connection. This is like an invitation. Is that Does that shift things a little bit?”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“You didn't text me for two days when you were traveling. Like, you didn't even reach out to see how the last two days were going. Like, I'm really mad, right? Okay. So, I know this sounds silly, but I think I should really slow this down. Because what your partner is saying, what your partner is not saying is a couple things. They're not saying you did anything so abhorrent. They're not saying I'm right to feel mad because like that's the right feeling in the world. That's like the right feeling in the world. And they're not saying you're a horrible person. And they're not saying you're at fault”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Your partner is coming to you essentially saying, I don't know, I'm going to make up a situation. Tell me if like it's close enough. Like you didn't text me and tell me that you weren't going to stop at the store. And like, I'm really mad because I would have then gone by myself. I don't know. Is that close enough?”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“We do, we get very like kind of egocentric. I do this too where it's like, well, I wouldn't feel that way, like, right? And I think most fights partners get in are kind of, they're both saying to the other person, why can't you be more like me? And then I was like, well, why can't you be more like me? Why can't you be more like me? Right. We all find our partners inherently. We've attracted them because of all the ways they're kind of different from us. And then over time, we become a little bit repelled by those exact same things. That's like marriage, right? And so those different those differences, I think, are at the core, right? And so I actually think this relates to that feeling bench a lot, right?”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“No, you're 0% crazy, and so much of this resonates with me, too. And I can get like this too. So there's a couple things that you said that I think we need to like, you know, not like break down, but like poke around. That's what I would say. First of all, most of us, when we're married, like right or partnered whatever we are, like the way we react to our spouse when they bring us up something they're feeling.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“No, it's so let's just like go further into that. So, because you said, like, I don't, what you said I thought was compelling, like, I don't agree. Is that the word you use? Agree. So”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT