YouSaid · the spoken record

Becky Kennedy

lines on the record: 141
first: 2024-02-06
most recent: 2024-02-06
sittings or episodes: 1
sources: podcast

Every line below is reproduced as it was said and linked to the record it came from. Nothing here is summarised or generated. Directory · Search · Corrections

“Question. I think it's both different and it feels totally different, and we all be included can get into such a state of willfulness instead of willingness, you know, with our partners. Know, I think it's the same thing. It's like you're taking responsibility for what you did. You're owning your side of the equation. You know, I think a lot of us, let's say you yell at your partner. It's easy to be like, well, if you didn't do this thing, you know, or, you know, if you had said this instead, I wouldn't have reacted that way, right? But at the end of the day, we own our reactions and we're responsible for, you know.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“It in our own time. And so I know with 100% conviction that it will make a difference to your kid, even if they don't gratify you by saying something back. That's kind in the moment.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“You know, I'm really working on managing my own frustration. Even my system around how you do video games, because it is important you end at the time, we said, and there's definitely a smoother way around that. And even when you don't, like it's my job to like, you know, approach that in a calmer way. And that's, you know, and then I think a couple things can happen. It depends on your kid's age too, you know, but most of the time kids will look at you and they'll say like whatever or they'll say, can I buy my snack now? Or you're so weird if it's new. You know, they'll say something like that. And I think it's easier to walk out of the room being like, oh my goodness, like I just did such major internal work to make that happen. And my kid didn't even care. They cared. Do not take the bait, especially if it's new. It's a lot for them to process, to be treated like someone who's deserving of a repair. And whenever any of us are kind of experienced something emotional, a lot of us kind of push people away to like have enough distance to like try to like retake.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Just to again make themselves feel better. And I always want my kids to go into adulthood being like the things I see and the things I notice really are true. And so I think just like validating that when I yelled at you and you were playing video games is a way of my son and being like, okay, I didn't make that up. Like that did happen. I'm really sorry. And to me, this line matters and it's controversial. So I want to talk about it with you. It's never your fault when I yell.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“That's exactly right. And then you've kind of like I do think about that. You've like reaccessed this thing inside you like I'm kind of I'm still like I haven't lost that good insideness now I don't need my kid to find it for me now I don't need them to validate it that's you know not the point of repair that is the opposite and now I can actually go and do a true repair with my kid and to me a repair you know I don't think there's an exact formula, but like to some degree you name what happened You take responsibility and you state what you would do differently the next time I think I think especially that I think all those components are pretty important so I might say I'm thinking about yelling at you when you were playing video games earlier. The reason I want to name it specifically, again, I always think that kids have the task.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Re accessed really my own good insideness separate from this behavior. And if anyone thinks attention people, aren't you letting yourself off the hook, the only way to let yourself off the hook is to conflate your behavior with your identity. Because as long as you're in a place of self-blame, it's actually a very egotistical place and you're kind of like descending into this abyss. You can't reflect, you can't change, you can't wonder what coping skills do I need? What do I need to do differently the next time? It doesn't make an excuse, but what was going on in my day that left me so fried and, you know, overwhelmed? And how could I change that next time? The only way you can reflect and learn is by repairing with yourself.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“My kid, and that yelling doesn't define me. And I think this exercise is powerful for a million reasons, but like in general, I put up my two hands and I look at one and I'm like, this is who I am. This is my identity. And I look at the other hand. I say, this is what I did. This is my behavior. I'm a good person who yelled at my kid. I'm a good parent who was having a hard time. And I'll notice, especially after like the bad moments, those hands start to come closer together. And I'm like, no, I'm not. Like this is the worst. And I can't repair with my son from that place. I won't. But if I like stay in that place, I'm like, no, like nobody's perfect. I didn't mess up my kid forever. And there is something to me just saying like, you know, my latest behavior doesn't define me. I'm a good parent, Becky. I am still a good parent and I'll look at one hand and I'll look at the other hand who is having a hard time. I feel something like release a little bit in my body and then really what's happened is I've”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“There's no humanly possible way I could repair. My body wouldn't even let me. I can't face the idea of being an awful person. In fact, if I stay in that place when I repair with my kid, probably not repairing. I'm probably going to ask my kid to do me a service. You forgive me, right? You forgive me, right? You still love me, right? You love me. I'm actually like asking my kid to like give me back my goodness. That's so not their job. Repairing with ourselves really means, and I really do this when people are like, what does that really mean back? I'm like, no, literally, like I go into a bathroom, I sit on a closed toilet. I put my feet on the ground. I put a hand on my heart and I'll say to myself, like, Not proud of.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Someone says, like, I have a really hard time apologizing, or my husband, my wife, my mom really can't apologize, what they probably mean is they actually, and Shane, this is very similar to why someone wouldn't take responsibility for getting a bad grade. They've equated the thing they did with the type of person they are. And so, as long as me yelling at my son means I'm a monster and a bad mom.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Going to quote be messed up by that. You're going to learn that wasn't your fault. You're actually going to watch an adult take responsibility for something that didn't feel good to them. You're going to learn that after hard moments can be new understanding and people kind of working on themselves. What's a better lesson to my kid than that? It's like the most, that's why I say it's the most amazing opportunity. And so to actually engage in repair. There's two steps. And I think the first step is one that's not talked about a lot, and it's why so many of us have a hard time repairing or apologizing. And the first step, and this is going to be full circle, is really repairing with ourselves.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I think there's a lot of science on this now that memory isn't events, it's events in every other time you've remembered the event. To me, that's the best way to think about it because it actually speaks to why therapy is powerful for people, right? Like you don't change the events of your childhood, but by remembering them in a different way in the context of a safer relationship, actually your memory changes. Your memories literally change. And so if we go back to like, you've yelled at your kid, you don't feel good. Your kid's alone in their room. You don't want them to engage in self-blame, self-doubt, right? You don't want that. Not only that, to me, like I often really, I feel like I'm a magician when I go repair with my kid. I'm like, oh my goodness, what happens next after the yell is going to have the most impact on what you end up encoding about the event. Like if I can go in and do a true repair, you're gonna”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Here's what people misunderstand. Events don't mess up kids. Events aren't even inherently traumatizing. What I don't like to mess up because it sounds so final, but Really impacts kids is not an event. It's the story they tell themselves about the ev What gets encoded in their body. That's actually what memory is, right? It's events, and every time you've remembered that event.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Says that I think is compelling. It's just for kids, it's better to be a sinner in a world ruled by God than to live in a world ruled by the devil. Kids have to feel safe in the world and they have to believe that their parents are like good and like we'll keep them safe. And so when things happen with their parents that feel really bad, it's actually adaptive for a kid to internalize fault and blame because at least then they can hold on to the idea that their parents and kind of therefore the world around them is safe and good. And if we circle back to like, why do we all blame ourselves after we struggle? Well, if over and over after hard times in your body, hard time, thing that didn't feel good, self-blame, hard time thing that didn't feel good, self-blame, well, you become an adult when you have a hard time and things that don't feel good. Guess what happens next in your circuit? Self-blame, right? Adaptive when you're young, very, very much holds us back when we're adults. And so whenever I think about those two things that my kid would have to do if I don't repair, it becomes extra compelling to repair because I really think, oh my goodness, my kid and I had this event.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“We don't want to wire ourselves out into our kids because it comes up in really in our opportune ways, right? When my daughter, let's say, or my son is older and they have something, I don't know, uncomfortable happen with a boss or with someone they meet in college. Like I really don't think any of us want our kids self-talk to be like, did that really happen? Am I overreacting? Would my friends have thought that was a big deal? That's like so terrifying, right? And that's not what we want. So that's self-doubt. And the other thing is kids do is self-blame. They just say it's my fault. They're like, I did this. If I was like a better kid, I wouldn't have done this. And I ruin everything. They either say you're both, I'm too much, I'm not enough, right? And they kind of say this to themselves to calm down. And one of the reasons kids engage in self-blame that I find really compelling to like share this idea more widely. It's not mine. It's by Ronald Fairburn, very, you know, early psychiatrist.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I mean, I don't know. Like, if that happened, someone would probably come talk to me. I don't know. Maybe I'm making a big deal out of things. Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe my friends wouldn't have thought this was such a big deal. And I guess I'm fine. Like, yeah, yeah. I guess I'm fine. Like, just forget it. And then also, my mom never mentioned it again. So maybe that didn't even happen.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Before repair has happened. So my kid is now, my son is now in his room. He's overwhelmed and from like a somatic physical perspective, right? He's like agitated. He's obviously on edge. I am too. And he's even younger. He's helpless. Anyway, our kids are oriented by attachment with us. Attachment's the primary evolutionary mechanism for kids. They need us. They literally need us to survive. And so they're always kind of paying attention to the status of their relationship with us, right? And figuring out how to be close to us again, figuring out how to get your body calm so you can kind of proceed something they have to do. So my kids alone, right, having just gotten yelled at and they have to figure out how to feel safe again, like in their body. And if I don't go help them do it, kids really only have two coping mechanisms at their disposal on their own. And those are self-doubt and self-blame. So my kid could be in his room and kind of engage in self-doubt. Did that really happen?”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“So, what happens next, right? That moment already happened. Do I wish it didn't happen? Yeah, I do, right? But it already happened. So what goes on for a kid? After a moment that feels really bad with a parent.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I want to explain why repair is so important, especially for kids, and then get into the concrete way to do it. So I just yelled at my kid. And now, usually in my house after I yell at my kid, like we're separated, like after I really scream, like my kid's in his room, let's say my son's in his room. And let's say it's about screen time. I'm like, I told you to get off the video game. And like, you never listen. And you, you know, take advantage of me. And like you said, and I don't know if I can trust you. And, you know, when he's like, you don't understand me. And I was just with my friends and you embarrass me. And I'm like, you've seen nothing yet. Okay. And then he's in his room. He's like slammed his door and like I'm in the kitchen, right?”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Messed up. Step one check, like crushed it, crushed it. I messed up. I already did step one. Everyone says the first step is the hardest step. Okay. Well, first step is messing up. We did that. Second step is repair. Like your 50% of the way there. So I want to take this whole idea and like turn on its head. Repair is so important.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Is okay. So if repair is one of the most powerful relationship strategies and I'm supposed to get good at repair, well, you can't repair if you don't mess up. You literally can. And so really, okay, and I'll go through how to repair after I yell at my kid. Really do say this to myself because I used to be pretty bad at repairing until I understood really the power of it. I'm like, oh, I messed up. And especially with this like Dr. Becky stuff, I'm like, what would people think if like, right? Like I was yelling at my kids. I was like, wait, I'm getting good at repair. That's like my goal.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Every single person, definitely me included, messes up like I yell at my kids and it's not something I'm just saying like, oh, that's nice. She's saying this. Like, of course I yell at my kid. Like, I'd be offended that you didn't think I yelled at my kid. Like, my kids, first of all, do not have Dr. Becky as a parent. And I would not wish Dr. Becky on any child. I really wouldn't as a parent. Like, it's just not, it's not human. It's not the way you can learn about how relationships work, right? If our relationship with our kids becomes the model they kind of take into adulthood and how they think about relationships, Shane, I don't think you and I want our kids going to look for a partner who's like, who is perfectly attuned to my emotions all the time? Who always gets it right? They will be very disappointed. Nobody is like that. So everybody messes up. And when I say repairs, the number one relationship strategy, it's because there's very few things that can have as much positive impact on repair. Okay. And what I always like to think about there.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“So glad you're asking this question because I always like cake myself if I'm in a conversation and don't get to talk about this because it's the ultimate, right? Like to me, repair is literally the number one relationship strategy. Everyone should get good at, whether you're in a partnership, your relationship's at work, and definitely a relationship with your kid. And I want to go through this in a way. It's literally going to come full circle to confidence, to behavior versus identity. everything because i really think of myself as like a first principles thinker it always comes back to to the same few things so”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“My goodness. Oh my goodness. I've never, Shane, I've never thought about that. But I'm so glad I'm telling you about this is basically like acknowledging and like, yeah, like I believe you is like another ultimate form of validation. And actually, you know what's so interesting? This is crazy. My brain is firing in a million directions. Someone told me with AVP, they're like, I don't like to say make sense. This woman said, I just say to myself, I believe myself. I really do feel this way. So yeah. And then permission, like tell me more is permission, permission to feel, permission to keep going. Yes, I guess that is. That is very profound. It will leave me with a lot to think about. I've never made that connection. Thank you.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Well, that makes sense because this is a new thing for me to check in with my emotion so it makes sense that I'm not sure. Permission, I'm giving myself full permission to not know how I'm feeling. Like there's no way to get it wrong. That's what I'm saying. And I promise you after a week or two. Not only will you start to recognize more things, but already that skill, that coping skill will start to appear not in 10 out of 10 emotional situations. It will not. It's not magic. But like in maybe two, three out of tens. And I think that's like one concrete thing like all adults can do to start making progress.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Can't expect yourself to start to regulate your emotions when you're in your most heightened emotions. That would be like someone who has never taken a foul shot, taking a foul shot, game seven of the NBA finals when time has run out and the game is tied. Like that person is not making it. You take foul shots in practice low stakes. And so the way I tell people to practice AVP is literally going to their phone right now, setting a random time that they tend to be alone, right? Not in the midst of things and just literally making a daily reminder that says AVP. And when it goes off, you just stop and you say to yourself, what am I feeling right now? And it can be like, I'm not feeling much. I don't know.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I can cope with it, and I can cope with it. Interesting laugh. You're catching me on. Last night I was walking in Times Square. And as I do, I film videos myself for Instagram and I'm like on the way to the subway. So I was like filming myself and this guy saw me. He's this 28 year old guy stopped me. He goes, I'm a 28-year-old man. I'm unmarried. And I don't have kids. And he goes, and I like am so excited to see you. He's like, you're like a celebrity to me. And he goes literally goes, AVP has changed my life. That's what he said. He goes AVP has changed my life. I'm reparenting myself. I know I never learned what some people learned in their childhood and I need to kind of reparent myself through those skills. And AVP has like, you know, changed my life. And so there's a couple ways to use it. If regulating your emotions is new for you.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“So another example of going through an AVP would be like, I'm feeling really anxious right now and really, really worked up. And, you know, oh, that makes sense. Like I am managing my kids' soccer schedules. And, you know, I'm thinking about what they need for dinner. And I didn't respond to that email. And I think tomorrow's going to be a snow day. And then my kids are going to have canceled school and pay permit rate. I give myself permission to be feeling this way. And I think a kicker at the end is just adding the phrase.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“The reasons are emotions get unregulated, right? Is that they are exploding out of our body in our behaviors. They literally, if you think about these moments of reactivity, when I yell, the emotion is like coming out of my body and like through my mouth, right? It's kind of like a volcano, right? The opposite of that isn't suppressing emotions because you just can't beat them. So it's always, you know, an unwinnable, you know, endeavor. But we're kind of saying when you regulate in emotion, like it's okay to live inside your body. Like it can just live there. It doesn't have to explode out of you. It can live inside there. Like it has a place that has a home. So if you think about those two steps already, like first I'm saying hi to it. Like if you're saying hi to someone at a party, like maybe you don't love them, but you're probably like okay with them being there because you said hi. And then you're telling your feeling like it kind of makes sense that you're here. And then P is permit, which actually just involves saying yourself, I give myself full permission to be feeling this way.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Is the term makes sense? I think there's something where feelings feel like accepted by logic in our body when we use that term. I don't know. I haven't like, I haven't asked, but I think that's what's happening. So I'd be saying, I'm really, really annoyed right now or, you know, when my kid was whining and I'd say to myself, well, that makes sense, like whining is pretty annoying. It makes sense that I feel that way. That is a hugely helpful phrase in regulating our emotions because”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“About this image in the car. So let's say, you know, my kid is whining. Step one, acknowledge like, whoa, I'm feeling really annoyed, right? Like in a way what I'm doing is like, I'm the driver of my car and annoyance in the back seat is like starting to kind of make its way to the driver's seat. And I'm like, hey there, hey. And that's literally what I'm doing. I actually use the word high a lot because it always makes me laugh. And to me, if I could add levity to like that process, it gets easier. So I'm like, high annoyance or high anxiety, right? Or something like that. So if step one is just acknowledge, you can acknowledge by using a quote feeling word like high annoyance or high sadness. A lot of people don't like really know the name of their feelings and that's totally fine. And you can also do it in a more general way. Like I'm feeling uncomfortable right now. I feel I'm about to explode right now. I'm feeling tight right now. Any acknowledgement to is validate. And to me, the best way that our body, I think, likes to be validated. I don't know.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Anyone's fault, like, I don't know why it's like, it's just this is happening, either we can be curious and like learn and through that learning probably live in a way that's more in line with our values, feel more in control of ourselves. Like your kid's gonna benefit, but I promise you as the adult are going to benefit in areas like way more, like everybody wins, right? And so I always say to parents, this isn't a system of like saying this is your fault. It's a system of saying like, this is actually a place for your empowerment and to like finally learn skills and skills always help us feel, you know, more powerful. So one of my favorite emotion regulation skills to teach adults is something I call AVP. Okay. And it's like the simplest thing and has the most profound impact on people, okay? So AVP stands for acknowledge, validate, permit. So I'll teach each part. Step one to regulating emotions is acknowledging them. And actually, this is a really good point of the conversation relative to what we just said.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Our emotions and respond to our kid from a place of groundedness and sturdiness, right? Still, nobody likes it, but it's very different. And curiosity to me gets us from point one to point two, because instead of saying like, what's wrong with my kid and why are they acting the way they're acting, we might say, what's going on inside of me? What's going on for me? What is happening inside me that is kind of a component of this reaction, right? The idea that my kids whining is an inherently making me scream at them. It's a trigger, but there's a story inside me. There's something that happens inside my body, that frankly predated my kids existence. So if I can get curious about that, right, then I can actually make a lot of progress. And to me, I think it's so easy to hear that. And someone say, oh, so it's my fault? No. Like, I don't know where I feel like we're obsessed with the word fault. Like it's not your kid's fault. It's not your fault. Like, why does that have to be?”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Can I do that for my kid if I can't, if I really do struggle to regulate my own emotions? It seems like I'm teaching my kid and myself at the same time. And we are. And like, that is just kind of the hand a lot of us, Vardell, and it's not an impossible hand, it's not an easy hand, but it's definitely a winnable hand. Like, I know that and I've seen it now with millions of adults who are, you know, winning a lot of their hands. And so I think there's a couple like concrete ways as adults that we can, you know, start to learn how to better regulate our emotions, right? Number one to me is just the word curiosity. Like being curious about yourself is a foundation to regulating your emotions because it's the difference between saying my kid's whining. Like who can stay calm when they whine all day? Like, are you saying people like whining? I have to get to a place where I like whining? No, nobody likes whining. Literally, nobody likes whining. But there's a big difference between not liking whining and I don't know, reacting and being in a state of reactivity with screaming at our kids versus not liking whining and being able to regulate.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I get this question from parents often, right? Because the way kids learn how to regulate emotions is through their relationship with their parents, right? It's not something you could get taught in a textbook. And it's not to say when we get older, if we don't have a lot of those early experiences that helped us learn how to regulate our emotions, which most adults I know, a lot of them didn't, doesn't mean we can't get there. Our kids, right, they kind of borrow our regulation in a moment and they kind of absorb it. And like I was saying before, they kind of over time learn, oh my emotion inside me that feels so scary to me is less scary to someone else. And they kind of absorb that hope and they absorb that kind of tolerance. And that really forms the foundation for so many of their coping skills. So parents will say to me, okay, I actually get that.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And all of a sudden now I'm actually in a relationship with these stories, right? Or with these parts, I would call them these parts. And as soon as you're in a relationship with a part of you, inherently that part of you can't take over you because you in the driver's seat are like talking to it. And to me, that's what I actually teach adults and parents like all the time. It's honestly like some of my favorite interventions to teach kids how to do that when they're young. I think it's like one of the most important skills they could take into adulthood with them because I think those are some of like the ultimate coping skills in life.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And like, okay, I'm just gonna come back to today. Like, it is 2024. And I don't really know what the next 80 years, you know, kind of hold, but I'm pretty sure what I did today did not, you know, mess up my kids forever. And I know you'll say that again to me, but I'm just going to kind of keep you in the back seat, right? Or, oh, okay, I don't even feel great about my presentation. And my boss did do this. But there's that my boss hates me voice. And it's true. Whenever I even doubt myself a little bit, I do tend to also think that my boss is about to fire me, right?”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And actually, a lot of us, when we're aware of those voices, we try to get them out of our car like we do. We're like, I shouldn't feel that way. Or I know my boss doesn't actually think I'm stupid. Why am I thinking that? We either fight the voice or it kind of takes over us. Like that's usually what happens. When I actually really think mental health is not about getting those voices out of our car. They're there. They're not going anywhere. But actually just like talking to them when they're in the passenger seat to ensure that they don't take over the driver's seat, right? So for example, not first of yelling at my kids and maybe like, oh, there's the I messed up my kid forever again, voice. Hey, it's unfortunate, but you do tend to come up whenever I make a little mistake with my kid.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And we can really get off to the races, right? And another image I want to share, right? Because I think this is really one of my favorites and it really illustrates what we're talking about is like if you picture yourself as the driver of a car, we all have multiple passengers in our car, right? So like some of us have imposter syndrome as like a very, very noisy passenger. Some of us have, it's all my fault. Some of us have, oh, the world is going to end and everything is going to go badly, right? We get into problems not when those things are our passengers. We get into problems when those things take over the driver's seat.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I think blame is often a two way street. Like some of us, maybe, you know, specialize more in self-blame, some of us in other blame, but usually it's a seesaw. Like it's, you know. And so when something's hard or something doesn't go our way, right? Maybe I yelled at my kid, right? And then I all of a sudden, I'm like, I'm a monster. I'm the worst parent. I messed up my kid forever. It's just like huge spiral. Or I did a presentation at work and my boss said something that like, I don't know if it was critical, but it was kind of ambiguous and I leave. And I'm like, my boss thinks I'm so stupid. And like, oh my goodness, I'm going to get fired. And we just, like you said, we start telling ourselves stories. And then those stories start to influence, of course, they influence how we feel. They influence then the next action we take that usually is just kind of further reifying that story or really that”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yes. I mean, there's so many examples of that, right? And I think most of us. Can get into the causes, but most of us have learned to wire struggles next to blame. They're like very, very close in our circuitry. And I say blame because it's often a combination of other blame and self-blame.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I guess I could have studied that, but the teacher never told me. And the teacher never even told me. And so, oh, something like that happened to me too. And so what you're doing in the moment is you're actually just reconnecting with your kid. You're actually prioritizing connection, connect first is like the principle we all want to try to do as often with our kids, not because we're soft, but actually because it's effective if you want to get anything done, right? So I'm just connecting. I'm deshaming. I'm connecting. And once I form that connection with my kid and they've kind of unfrozen a little bit, I can then enter into like a different conversation, but it just has to happen later than we want it to.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Story from your own childhood that was just like that. Oh, that makes me think about when I was in seventh grade, it's not the same. But like I remember the science test. I was like, what? This question's on and this question's on. And you can kind of watch. I'm going to kind of like do a little trick here. And part of me was like.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Right? Because even think about me if I showed up for this podcast with you late, Shane, I was like, you have no idea about traffic. Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness, it was so bad. And my commute was awful. If you're like, that is the worst. Oh, I had that happen to me once too. I really do think the next thing I would say to you would be like, I'm sorry, I should have left earlier. Where if you're like, I mean, Becky, look, we only have a little bit of time and like maybe it's traffic, but like you really could have just, I don't know, left your apartment earlier and gotten to the studio. I know what I'd say back is like he doesn't even understand traffic. The traffic was so bad. I would have gotten. So it's paradoxical, but it's so effective. And you can deshame by just actually saying like, oh, that's the worst. It's usually pretty simple. Or to me, like one of the most beautiful strategies, it's hard even called a strategy. It's just, I call it like, did I tell you about the time? But it's just like leveling with your kid about a”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“The thing about shame is it's a freeze response. It's like an animal defense state. Like we talk a lot about fight or flight, but there's other animal defense states too, right? And one of them is freeze, right? And so if someone's frozen, you can't like get them out of that until it started to thaw a little bit. And so as a parent, instead of trying to go through it, your only goal in the moment, and this is going to be like remarkably ungratifying. I'm just warning you, is to have to deshame the moment first. You have to switch your goal from getting through to your kid and teaching a lesson to lowering shame so your kid is actually in a place where they're on frozen, at which point they can learn. So if that's my kid, I'm going to tell you what I'm, what I would do except again, like, I don't know if I'd really do this, but the ideal Becky would do this. My kid says this to me. I'd probably say in the moment, I hate when that happens. That's the”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“In that moment, what strikes me is what's happening for a kid is actually shame. That's what's happening. A kid feels ashamed. Shame is actually when we use our behavior as an indication of our identity. It just all collapsed. It's like this bad thing means I'm a bad person. And the hardest thing about shame when it's present, and I write about this in the book, is like, you have to change your goal. And it's like,”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“With kind of being an indication of who they are. So let me like say that in a better way that's like clearer. So like if your son thinks like, I gotta, let's say, I got like a whatever it is, a 70 on this test. If when he gets a 70, what happens inside him is like, I'm so stupid. I can't believe like I got a 70 in math. That will make him tell the story while my teacher asked about things that were unfair because he can't tolerate the idea that he's like a stupid kid at math. Nobody can tolerate that idea. And actually, so the first step is like trying to help our kid separate. Wait, like you're a good smart kid who clearly like got a not so great thing great on their test, right? And when we're able to separate who we are from what we do, we're actually remarkably able to take responsibility for our behavior because it's no longer an indication of our identity. So, okay, if that's part of the understanding, I know for me in my own, I'm like, okay, so what do I do? Like, I still don't understand what to do.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I felt both simultaneously like so guilty and so unable Like, tolerate that guilt. And this is actually going to circle back to the idea of separating identity and behavior. Oddly enough, kids tends to shirk responsibility and kind of seem unwilling to reflect on their role of things when they equate a certain outcome.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“The company membership is called Good Inside is because to me that's like the principle that allows us to be curious about our kids. Our kids are good inside. So why would my good kid kind of like totally shirk responsibility? And it's really separating who they are from their identity. They're a good kid from certain behavior, which is something that happened, right? When we were most frustrated with our kids, it's because we've collapsed the two. My kid is just kind of like a shitty kid who doesn't take responsibility versus I have a good kid who is struggling with something. So I think one of the best ways I can be curious about my kids is I'm like, well, why would I do that? Why would I be in a situation where instead of being like, oh my goodness, I was late and I should have left earlier. I was like, you've no idea about the traffic. And you've no idea about the car in front of me. Oh my goodness, right? So I'm just making this up now, but oddly enough, I think I would do that when I felt so bad.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I'm so big on personal responsibility too. And so that's like triggering for me too from like a personal standpoint. So I join you in that. So I think first, and I always think this is true, like we have to understand before we intervene. Like that to me, every workshop I do at like, you know, about problem behaviors or sleep or, you know, rudeness, like that's always the first section and parents, it's always so interesting because they'll take this workshop and they'll say, oh my goodness, like everything feels better in my home. And I'm like, I don't even get to the strategies yet because we underestimate how many of our issues with our kids or any relationship actually comes from not understanding. And as soon as we understand something, it's amazing. It's like we immediately feel better. So I think first, it's like, well, why is my son doing that? Why is he saying, well, it didn't save? Or well, the teachers asked all these questions that they said wouldn't even be on the test, right? They say something like that, right? And I think it's really important to get curious there. Like, why would my kid do that? And to me, the reason like everything I.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“What the kid really learns is like I can still be me when I'm disappointed. I'm still like a valuable person. This feeling clearly is like an acceptable part of me. It's not all of me. I don't have to fight to get rid of it. That's really how we build confidence”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT