YouSaid · the spoken record

Becky Kennedy

lines on the record: 141
first: 2024-02-06
most recent: 2024-02-06
sittings or episodes: 1
sources: podcast

Every line below is reproduced as it was said and linked to the record it came from. Nothing here is summarised or generated. Directory · Search · Corrections

“And you massively built your kids' confidence because if we think about kids when they're older, you want kids when they're feeling tricky things to be like, yeah, I really do feel this way. I really am upset that my partner said that thing to me. I really am disappointed that I didn't get that job, right? I really am angry that I was promised, you know, I don't know a raise and didn't get it, right? Learning that you can trust your emotions actually is the core of how you regulate your emotions and how you make good decisions because you can use your energy around, okay, what do I do next instead of all the energy of like trying to figure out what's going on inside you? And so to me, that's really what confidence is. And because if someone can feel like their parents are able to tolerate their disappointment”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Then what? And I love this question. And I'm such like a fixer too. But like, and then nothing. And then you've done, you have literally crushed parenting that moment. You should be like, I'm done for the rest of the day. I eat bonbons and watch some Netflix. I just.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Sitting down, you're not saying that bench is in their bench, you're not taking them out, you're just sitting down. And then the second line that I think is the ultimate confidence builder, if confidence is self-trust, is just, I believe you. Yeah, I went to the list and my name wasn't on it and like they literally were all high fiving. And then I was like the only one, not, you know, not doing that. And they all looked at me with such pity. And it was like the worst day of my life. I believe you. When you say I believe you to someone, you're not saying I agree. That was the worst day of your life. You're literally just saying I believe the things you're telling me. I believe your feelings are valid and real. And then the third line is just tell me more. And I think often with parents, they'll say like, okay.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Should also use it their partners because they're just good relationship lines. When someone tells you something disappointing, like I didn't make the football team, it sucks. I'm so embarrassed. I'm the worst football player. Number one, just I am so glad you're talking to me about this. Like it is the most beautiful first line to say to someone when they're upset because what you're deeply saying to them and how they receive it is like I am interested in the part of you who's feeling this way. The part of you who's feeling this way is connectable to me like I want to hear more about it. I will attach to this part of you. And when you tell that to someone, they're automatically willing to tell you more because it's like an opening of a door. Like I imagine someone went to a boss and they're like, I really feel like I deserve a promotion. If the boss's like, I'm so glad you're talking to me about this. Like even if the boss says no, like you're going to be like, wow, that was a great conversation, you know? So, and when you're doing that, what I want parents to imagine is like you're just sitting on the bench next to your kid. That's literally what you're doing. You're just.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Things in your earliest years when you were wiring circuitry around your emotions in your body. And so the reason so many adults have so many difficulties regulating their emotions when they're older actually comes from these early years. So, if we go back to what is far superior, right, or not far superior. Is I think about three lines, and I'm going to be super concrete. To me, these are three lines that parents should write down. They should commit to memory.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“They have a feeling of being disappointed. The feeling's already registered in their body. And when kids are young, they're actually just learning about their feelings. They're like, am I allowed to have certain feelings? How do I cope with certain feelings? And a lot of how they learn that is through their relationship with us. And then they actually take those lessons into adulthood. And so when our kids feeling disappointed, one of the things they learn when we kind of tell them their benches and their bench or tell them they should be on some other bench is like, oh, I guess I'm not supposed to feel disappointed. And they also learn this feeling that feels very overwhelming to me is actually very overwhelming to my parent. Like they don't even want me to feel this way. I guess it's dangerous. Like, I guess I shouldn't feel that way. Now, I don't think either of us know any adult in life who's gotten rid of disappointment. Like you're going to feel disappointed when you lose a job. You're going to feel disappointed when someone breaks up with you, when you're even, you're going to feel disappointed when your flight has a delay, right? And how you cope with those things doesn't start in adulthood. How you cope with those things comes from your history of how you learn to cope with those.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Maybe if we generalize, it's the bench of something didn't go my way, or I'm disappointed, or I'm embarrassed. You know, probably all of those things come up. They're sitting on that bench. And as parents, we often have two urges. One is one I named. We kind of tell them their bench isn't their bench, right? We like see a sunnier bench in the garden. It's like the bench of, well, you made varsity basketball. And we're like just come, like come with me, right? Just come with me to that bench because it's sunnier. But that does a couple very unintended things to kids.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Like that. And if we think about confidence as self trust, then if we break down that situation, a kid is coming to us saying, I feel sad and disappointed And we're saying to them, No, you don't, right? And I'm an imagery person, as you can see. So to me, this idea of like the feelings bench really, really like brings us to life and gets really concrete and palpable for parents to use than in their home. So our kids, you know, are feeling down like they often do, you know, they didn't get a good grade in a test or someone broke up with them or now their friends dating the person that they liked or they didn't make the football team or, you know, they're jeals to their brother who's, you know, always doing XYZ and they can't whatever it is. And to me, the image I want parents to think about is like, my kid in life is like in a garden that's full of benches. That's like life, okay, isn't this metaphor? And in this moment, they're sitting on the bench of, and I don't know, maybe this is the bench of I didn't make the football team or.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“In a related way, you know, I think often like confidence isn't feeling like the best at something. It's feeling like it's okay to be you when you're not the best at something. And it's like trusting yourself in those moments. So like I said to you earlier, I don't like to have ideas about actionable strategies because I can't operate that way. So let's like play out some situations, right? And I think this will drive it home. So your kid comes home and they're like, I'm the only one of my friends who didn't make the football team. I'm not making this up, right? I'm the only one of my friends. It's so embarrassing. I'm the only one who didn't make the football team. And I think we think that like what we need to say to our kid there or what they're looking for or even like, I want to build my kids' confidence. They seem so not confident now because they're like, I'm the only one who didn't make it. I stink. And like, you know, is, well, like you're the only one who made varsity basketball. You know, they all made JV. And like, you're the only one who's on varsity basketball or like you're an honors math. And, you know, we like say these things.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Me confidence. I think people think about confidence as like feeling good about yourself. And I think that could not be further for what confidence is. To make confidence is self-trust Which I think is very different from feeling good about yourself.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I think there are kind of very, very related concepts, confidence and resilience, but I'll start with kind of framing up confidence because I think the way I think about it is a little different. And again, if we're ever trying to build a trait, I think we have to be like so clear about what the trait is or else we're going to be building something in a direction that might not be so productive. Well, let's define them.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And I think we want to give kids at every age room to like be on their own and kind of the trust in that. Think his benefit so much from that distance, but they only benefit from that distance when they kind of have internalized and still kind of have access most times to that kind of secure base. So I'm not trying to get out of the question, but I really do think it's this dance. Because if I think about my own childhood and I think about like, I feel like my secure base is with me all the time. And as I got older, it was like, well, is that me? Was that my parents? Like I think it took me longer to trust myself. Even now amidst uncertainty and struggle, you know, it's still something I work on with myself because I feel like I did almost have this, you know, system so close all the time that I probably didn't learn to like trust myself, that I could really figure things out and get through things in a way that, you know, could have been really helpful to me.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I feel like I could have benefited a little more from like, mom's not available right now and kind of like, and I know like not having my lunch is just one example. It's a tiny example. But even that small example, like I know I would have been like, oh, I guess I have to go to the cafeteria. And I guess I have to like find something. Or I don't know, maybe I would have remembered to like pack it the next day, like in even, you know, bigger way because I don't want to have that happen again. I think on the other side, right, especially as kids get older, it's so easy to do what I call like taking the bait from teens. Like you don't understand me. And I don't want to be with you anymore. I just want to be my friends and get your own life and get out of my room. And parents are like, I guess my kids don't care. So like I'll never be home when they're home. And, you know, they slammed the door in my face. And so it's on them to like, you know, say something to me. And I'm going to kind of give them the silent treatment until they do. Both extremes, I think, can like any extremes can like hold kids back, you know.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I feel mixed about a parent who's always there. First of all, parents were like, I'm at work, I'm not there. Am I messing up my kids? No. I frankly, you know, I'm often at my office, you know, when my kids come home. So there's not one right way. You know, I think it's a dance, you know, and I think about this a lot with my own childhood. And I've talked about this a lot with my mom because we mom in very different ways. Like, you know, I do now and she did then. She was always there. Like, I feel like she was someone who was always there, right? And like down to, I remember days in like middle school or high school, even when I was older. I was like, oh, I forgot the lunch I wanted at home. And she'd be like, I am driving it to right now, you know, like it was just always there. And one things we reflected on a lot together, and it actually kind of relates to confidence, so we can get, we can, you know, bring it all together as always happens.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I mean, I don't think it's a good thing or a bad thing for soul. They're away from you. They're in school. They have their whole world, you know. And so I think that's a lot of ways they start to explore. And kids also, by the way”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Don't really have a home base. And when I think about teens and parents, I think a lot about that. Like a teen's job is to explore a parent's kind of in the home country, like also feeling lost a lot. Like, where's my kid who like used to want to talk to me more, who used to be around more? I used to be their primary focus. But what I always want parents of teens to know is like your teen still needs you in the most intense way because they cannot be a nomad. Like, that is not what they're looking for. And they will come back. They need to know you're there, right? Like knowing when you're exploring that your home base is there. Like I think we all know feels very different than checking for a home base and feeling like it has dissolved, right?”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“But if I go back to the idea of teens being explorers, because they do, they try out so many things. They kind of need to explore away from their home country, right? I also think a lot about like the difference between like an explorer and a nomad. And I feel like the big difference is an explorer has a home base. And I have the chills as I say that. Like they have a home base to come back to. And just knowing they have a home base gives them a lot of confidence in their exploration. Or a nomad”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Way you start to form your identity when you're a teen is actually through a lot of separation from your parents. That's actually though your job. Your job is actually to start to separate from them. And a lot of teens, most teens, they overshoot. Just like we did, but you have to kind of overshoot distance to be like, I am nothing like my parent. And if my parent tells me a rule, the quickest way to figure out my own person is to just like reject it, even if it makes sense for me. It's just like, you know, you kind of overshoot.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Life for how they're able to regulate emotions, for how they think about themselves, for how they build confidence and resilience, actually the model they take into adulthood about what a healthy relationship is, right, for so many things. And when our kids are teens, what's really, really tricky is they're like explorers in the world. I mean, that's like how I think about teens. Like that's what their job is. Their job is to explore. They're trying to figure out who they are. Their job is to go through this kind of identity formation phase. And as we remember when we were younger.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Good question, you know, my first reaction like the loudest thing in my mind, I think a lot of parents have a sense of like how they're like they just have like an inherent sense of like how close am I to my team? How are things going? You know, I guess in one way it feels like every interaction is a ton of conflict. It's just like a series of misunderstanding and I think that doesn't feel great to either. I guess in the middle is like, well, we don't have any over conflict, but like, do we do we talk about things? Like, do I know about the things that are going on in their life? Would they come to me if they were struggling? Would they come to me if they were struggling with something that they worry could, quote, get them in trouble, right? You know, I think a lot about attachment in relationships, right? Not attachment parenting, but the idea that how kids attach to connect to their caregivers, their parents really forms the foundation for a lot of different things.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Taking care of their needs sometimes, right? And so, so much of that and approaching a teen in that like, hey, I respect you. Like, here's the situation. Let's think through it together. That's the only way you're going to get to a productive solution anyway because teenagers inherently, they don't care about their towel on the floor. They don't care about their messy room. They don't care about, you know, being on their phones longer than we want them to be. And so the status of our relationship with our kids and our partner, it's really cordial, like everything.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yeah. And, you know, I think there's so much more there too. Like, my son probably doesn't care about his towel on the floor. And I don't know, if something so bad going to happen if his towels on the floor, it's probably not. Like, I don't think the world's going to end. I don't think his, you know, room is going to be ruined. It just is my preference. And so really we're saying, well, why would my kid start caring about something he doesn't care about and his mom does care about? And that actually has everything to do with just kind of the strength of our relationship in that moment. And, you know, it's kind of why any of us do things we don't want to do, but other people care about because we just feel close to them. And like we like, you know.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“He's 12, and I don't have to do that for him. And he put it on his door. Does he pick it up every time? He does not. Does he pick it up massively more often? Yes. But the only way we get there is by kind of assuming good intent, being on the same team. And together we were kind of looking at this towel on the floor problem versus me looking at my son. I have like, he's an asshole who is the problem.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Hey, look, we both know towels on the floor. Like, we both know that's not where they go. And you're a responsible kid. Like, and I know you have heard what I've said. So there must be something getting in your way of remembering. Like, there must be, because I don't think you look at the towel and think, I'm going to piss off my mom. Like, I really don't think that's happening. So can we figure this out together? Like, what would make it easier for you to remember? Like, I actually had this with my own son recently. And he's like, mom, it's so funny. I walk out of my room. I don't even see the towel. Like, I just don't even see it. Like, I guess I drop it and then I don't even see it. And I was like, oh, that's really interesting. What do you see? I just said. He's like, I mean, I just see the wall and I see my door. And I was like, oh, that actually gives me an idea. I don't know if it gives you the same idea. Like, what would you need to jog your memory? And he goes, I mean, I guess I could just like put up a poster on my door that says pick up my towel. I know it sounds so silly, but like I could cry. And I was like, that's an amazing idea. And he did it. And he just like, he did it. He literally just like wrote in his old handwriting.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Like it's now all of a sudden, also, I feel different in that mindset. Like, I honestly feel sad just saying that to you right now, like, oh, it stinks. And maybe my husband feels that way. Maybe he's not even aware that he feels that way, but maybe he does. And maybe he's nervous about his job and he feels like he's going to get fired and he thinks he's going to.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Until you get yourself in that second mindset. We often think, what are the words? What do I say? What's the script? At the end of the day, the mindset's going to win, right? Or the script won't be effective because you're in an adversarial mindset and the person will feel that, right? And so I think the kind of biggest skill is recognizing what mindset am I in? And I think we have a lot of clues to that. Like even when we start to think about the person we want to talk to, we can even notice the language we're using, right? Like, oh, my husband doesn't respect me. He's always at work. Like he doesn't even care about a relationship. I definitely know what mindset I'm in, right? If I'm in the second mindset, I'd probably be saying like, wow, he's really overloaded at work. And, you know, I miss him. Right. Maybe I say that. I really missed my husband. I wonder if I've ever told him that. That's very much like me and my husband are on the same side of the table and we're kind of looking at the problem of, you know, not being as connected as we used to be.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Are the problem. And so I'm on one side of the table, you're on the other side of the table, and I'm looking at you like you are the problem. Okay, the other mindset we can be in is I'm on one side of the table, and let's say, Shane, you're sitting next to me on the same side of the table. And together, we are looking at a problem. I actually think this is like profound because to me, nobody should ever communicate with anybody.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I do this all the time. Okay. But when we are kind of upset with someone or have been frustrated with someone, we have the tendency to approach them in a very adversarial way. And then how we think about someone affects how we communicate to them. So if I was like, my husband doesn't respect me. And my husband cares more about work than he does about my relationship. Then, you know what I'm going to say to him? Hey, if you're not home by seven, I'm just, you know, not going to be waiting for you because I have things to do in my life too, right? Of course, because that's the mindset I'm in. And I think this is such a general point, and I'll share it because I think it's applicable to every life situation, that when you're in conflict with someone, you're in one of two mindsets. And I'm a very visual person, so I'll explain it visually. You're either sitting on one side of the table and you're looking at them as if they're sitting on the other side of the table. Kind of how I'm looking at you. And I'm looking at you like you.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Now more concretely than that, I think what you're noticing in the way I modeled those two kind of boundary setting situations, first of all, let me just say, like if you think I would actually say that in the heat of the moment to my kids, like I wouldn't. Like my husband's like listening to this. Can you please talk to me like that? Because you don't sound that nice. So please listeners, do not think.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“We think I should either know how to do that, or I'm not an effective communicator, but someone else should just get what I'm trying to say instead of thinking, oh, like, how could I learn this? I think there's a lot of practice that's involved.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I love that question, and there's a couple ways I want to answer it. So, first of all, to me inherent in your question actually was like the idea of learning in general. I don't know, we all learn a lot of stuff by the time we're adults that my guess is not inherent to us, right? I mean, most of the things we learn aren't inherent. It's not actually inherent to learn how to swim. Like if you don't learn how to swim, you'll be an adult who can't swim. There's plenty of adults who can't swim. It doesn't just come to you with age. I think actually that's one of the most powerful things I think about is like age does not teach skills, right? People are like, at what point will my kid no longer engage in X behavior at what age? I'm like, well, what are you doing in these years? You know, like either in this amount of time or never, depending on what we do, right? So just like you can teach someone to swim or you can teach someone a new language, like we can all learn more effective ways to communicate. And it's just in the realm of things that we often don't think of as a skill. Like for some reason.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Will happen after X number of minutes. If you're still playing, and I really don't want to do this, I am going to come in and I am going to take the remote and I am going to turn it off. Like I don't want to get there. I'm sure you don't either. So maybe we should do the whole thing we talked about where you set a timer five minutes before and you actually determine if you have time for another game so you're not in the middle of it when I turn it off. Or maybe I say, hey, I am going to use a new system. I'm going to use this form of parental controls where your iPad turns off at a certain number of minutes with a five minute warning before. And so at the end of that amount of time, it is going to go off. I just wanted to let you know that's going to happen. The success of what I just said is not dependent on my teenager, quote, listening to me. My boundary is now totally within my control.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Love this. Okay, so when we think we're setting a boundary, but we're really making a request, it might sound like this. Hey, you can go on Fortnite for, I'm going to, I don't even like to name the number of minutes because when I do, people will also be like, oh, my kid does more than that. Is that bad? But let's just say X number of minutes, okay? You can play Fortnite for X Nightmare Minutes. And after that, you know, I want you to turn it off and come to the kitchen. Okay. Now, if you know video games and I know video games and if you know phones and I know phones, the idea that your kid is going to be able to stop themselves at a certain time is just probably setting everyone up for failure. It's just you get sucked in. It's not about willpower. It gets you addicted. You're in a game. And either way, still I'm making a request. The success of what I just said to my kid is dependent on them doing this. If it's so important for me for my kid to only play Fortnite for X number of minutes, I could say one of two things. Hey, I just wanted to be perfectly clear about”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yeah, and people say, well, is that just threatening your husband to me? We really underplay like our intention and how that intention then gets really felt by someone. Like I could say the same thing to my husband. I could say, look, and if you're not home by nine, I mean, I mean, if you're not home by seven, you're going to find me in bed. And I'm not going to have dinner. Like if I said it that way, I feel like he would receive it as like, are you threatening me? Like, what's going on? Right. It's very different than, hey, sweetie. Like, I don't know, maybe works crazy busy for you. Like, I can respect that too. And if you do get home at nine, I just want to be very clear. I will be in bed because I'm just exhausted by then and I can't cook and I don't want to feel resentment toward you. And so I need to be with my book at that time. Probably going to fall asleep. And hopefully we can get time together at another point in the weekend. Like, I think you feel such different intention there, right? So to me, boundaries are not threats. They're actually an assertion.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“reading in my bed and I won't be able to make dinner. And we can talk about it again next week. So it's literally laying out what I will do. And then let's say my husband does get home at night. I might still be upset. I mean, I'd be like, this is such a bummer, you know, but I'm not going to feel so resentful. I'm not going to feel so angry because I laid out two situations based on my needs. And either way, I have kind of a path I can walk down that's within my control.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Which we can talk about, where they would, you know, when they can honor our request, right? But I'm making a request because the success is dependent on my husband coming home at seven, which he just did not do. Here's a very different approach, which I don't always recommend taking, but sometimes we have to take if we feel like we keep getting in situations where we're kind of really unsatisfied. I'd say, hey, the last couple weeks, we talked about you getting home at seven or trying to, you keep getting home at nine. Look, I don't want to end up in that place again where then I get tired and I get resentful and we get in this fight. I just want to be very, very clear. I would love to have dinner with you tonight. I really would. And I know for me, if you're not home by seven, cooking together and having that connected moment, it just is not going to then happen in a way that feels good to me. So if you get home by seven tonight, I'm so excited that we can have dinner together. And if you come home at nine, I get it. You will probably find me having already had a bowl of cereal and then.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Great, that's great. Okay. So let's say, you know, I tend to be tired at the end of a week and I want to go to bed early and my partner's like, but I really like to have dinner together and I want to have time together. But I'm so frustrated because I'm like, my husband comes home at like nine o'clock and expects me to like cook dinner then with him. And all of a sudden it's 10 and I'm exhausted and I want to connect too, right? But here's the situation. So I think what we might do is we might say I really needed to be home by seven. Like, can you get home on seven on a Friday? And then that's a place where we could cook dinner together. And then let's say my husband rolls in at nine. And I'm like, what the heck? Like I told him to have dinner at seven. And like he didn't do it and he never listens to me and he doesn't respect me. And we tell ourselves all these stories. To me, I would say in that situation, I was making a request of my husband. I was making a request. And most of the time in our relationships, by the way, we can't always set boundaries. Like we do make requests and hopefully our relationship is strong enough with someone.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Let's start with like a moment of frustration. Where for you, Shane? Like, where are you frustrated with the spouse, or where do you hear you're like, Oh, people tend to get frustrated and want to set boundaries in this way?”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Way I think about boundaries someone kind of quote might not respect my boundary, but if I am setting a boundary that is dependent on what I'm doing and is not at all dependent on what someone else does, then I really retain a lot of power and I really like that perspective.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“So here's how I define a boundary, and I define it this way because then it's something I can actually assess and I can know if I'm setting one or not. So to me, a boundary is something we tell someone else we will do. And it requires the other person to do nothing. And so the reason I really, really like that definition is because we can then afterwards say, okay, well, the thing I did, did I tell someone what I will do? And does it require the other person to do nothing? And almost always we say, no, like I actually kind of was asking my kid to clean up, you know, the clothes in their floor, which is something we all have to do. I would say that's a request. We make requests of our kids all the time, but learning to really differentiate a request from a boundary is critical and it saves us from the frustration and the cycle of my kid doesn't respect my boundary or this person doesn't respect my boundary. And to me, they”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“They're like explorers in the world. I mean, that's like how I think about teens. Like, that's what their job is. Their job is to explore. They're trying to figure out who they are. Their job is to go through this kind of identity formation phase. And I also think a lot about like the difference between like an explorer and a nomad. And I feel like the big difference is an explorer has a home base. But what I always want parents of teens to know is like your teen still needs you in the most intense way. And they will come back. They need to know you're there, right? Like knowing when you're exploring that your home base is there. Like I think we all know feels very different than checking for a home base and feeling like it has dissolved, right? And that to me says so much about the connection of teens and parents during these really tricky years.”
2024-02-06 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT