YouSaid · the spoken record

Doctor Karen Gurney

lines on the record: 118
first: 2024-02-19
most recent: 2024-02-19
sittings or episodes: 1
sources: podcast

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“So let's come back to frequency because that's a big one. But before we get on to that, occupying the space in between willingness. So that's a nice idea that I've had or you've had, but I'm not there yet. And desire, when your desire kicks in, is actually quite an uncomfortable space to occupy. And one of the things I like to do in my work with people is to try and help them get comfortable in that space. Because as you say, we have this idea that we should be feeling it before we start. That's wrong. We know that now. But also that it should be easy for us just to slip into that sexual headspace to lose that awkwardness, to lose that sense of actually know if I'm going to feel like it. I might do. Can we just continue what we're doing and I'll see occupying that space in between willingness and desire is really a key part of initiation because if you initiate with, shall we have sex, it doesn't really give you a chance to”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Predictable pressure. So it can be a really useful thing to have a conversation with somebody else, somebody you're having sex with, around how you actually like sex to be initiated and whether that matches with how each other does it.”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Always, and maybe it was cute for the first six months, but in month sixty, it starts to become quite irritating. It starts to become not a sexual trigger, but oh, here we go again.”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And it's quite interesting because the social script of men are always up for sex means that in women's minds often they can just say that and that will do it for their partner. And actually that's not the case. And what we know from research is that most men actually say, I need a bit more than that. I need to feel intimacy. I need to feel desired. I need to feel as though she's initiating it because she's enthusiastic about doing it, not because she's doing it for me. We also know that people fall into styles of initiation and just in the same way that I mentioned getting typecast around how you are sexually with a partner, you can get typecast in terms of how you initiate. So there might be one way that you do it.”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And it's quite difficult to put yourself out there with initiation, right? So people test the waters with this coded, subtle, I'll put my hands there and they'll know what that means. And often that is completely missed by the other person. And so the opportunity for sex is lost. The other side of the coin is when people initiate in a really direct way. So we know that women having sex with men initiate much more directly. And when men are initiating with women or when women are initiating with women, they initiate much more indirectly. So this direct initiation from women to men often looks like, shall we have sex then? She fancied a shag, that kind of thing. Which although it's direct and you could give it points for being direct communication, people say that all the time. Too fancy or shadow.”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Doesn't matter, but we know that the person initiating often experiences higher levels of sexual satisfaction. There are some really interesting things with initiation, and I actually think that when it comes to sex with long term partners, when it comes to many of the couples that I see, people often walk through the door saying there's a problem with desire. Sometimes there is, usually in their understanding of desire, not desire itself, but often it's an initiation actually, because if you think about it, initiation is a communication. Basically, saying, I'd like to have sex now, would you? And there are a variety of ways that people initiate. And in my experience, they can be wildly off the mark. So one scenario is that a person initiates and it's so subtle that the other person just doesn't pick up on it at all.”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“For men it's different, it's the highest pleasure inducing sexual act right alongside masturbation, actually. What's fascinating is we talk a lot about desire, particularly between men and women when they have sex together, but we don't always talk about the fact that to move towards sex, we have to be motivated to feel that there's going to be a reward. And so when we're having sex that perhaps doesn't suit our anatomy as much as we'd like it to, or when there's a big orgasm gap and someone else's reliably experiencing more pleasure than we are, of course our desire suffers.”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“That's how we see how sex should be, but what's most fascinating about that is that suits men's anatomy more than women's. We know that the majority of women, about eighty percent, don't orgasm from penetrative sex, because obviously it's all about the clitoris. And so that's why for women, their most favorite sexual acts are things like people using their hands to simulate the clitoris or receiving oral sex, not penis and vagina sex. They rate that the least pleasure-inducing sexual act.”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yes, it is Yes, so we talked about sexual scripts, penis and vagina sex being the main course of sex is very much a dominant sexual script. And there are many reasons that's dominant and it's something that we know from sex research that if you ask people and they have done many times in sex research to recount what sex looks like people will recount a set menu of sex that is you start with this, then you do a bit of that, then you go to the main course of pedison vagina sex. The kind of American audience will know that as a kind of baseball analogy and I think worldwide we know that analogy too, right?”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And experimentation could be part of that. I think it also comes down to how you want the kind of personality of your sex life together to be. So I think for some of us, experiencing kind of thrill or joy or pushing boundaries or experimentation in sex is a key part of what really ticks us along, what really keeps us going. For other people, it's just not. It's that they want sex to be predictable, intimate, fun, but close without anything outside of the ordinary. So I think it can be quite useful to think about what do we see as the sexual personality of our relationship? How do we want it to be? What would make us feel most alive? And that's where creating a culture of talking about sex is helpful because without that, how do you know?”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yeah, and it may be that if this other person had done their conditions for good sex, they may have written down under the psychological arousal part. I really need to know someone or I really need to trust someone before I can do things that are outside of the normal sexual script, right?”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Well, that's what we come to next. Then we look for the overlap. So is there overlap? If there's not, then there's a little bit of work to do, right? Are you going to stay in a monogamous relationship? And if so, how are you going to make this work? Are you going to open it up so you can get your sexual needs met elsewhere? Plenty of people do that. Often there is enough overlap for people to say, okay, I didn't realize that that was a thing for you. I like that thing, but maybe not quite to that degree. Can we do this instead? So there's a little bit of negotiation that happens in the middle. But I think perhaps one of the myths around our sexuality is that it exists between us and our partner. And actually our sexuality just exists within us alone. And we should be allowed to express that alone or in our minds in whatever way that we want. And that could look quite different what we do alone, perhaps with others, to what we do with another person. So we don't have to get all”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Touched to the types of sex you like, to the type of positions you like to be in. The third is being able to be in the moment. So you might write there the kinds of things that go through your mind to distract you. And I would get people to do that separately. The way I guide people through that is by getting them to think about their three best sexual experiences and really replay those in their mind. What were the aspects of that sexual experience which you replay over and over again? What was it about how you felt about yourself, about how you could be with that person? What was it about what you were doing? What was it about the environment? And people are able to then develop their own perspective, their own list, if you like, of the things that really work for them.”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Little bit, you know. Trust me, no one is talking about it. Everyone stays silent and just hopes that the other person will either get the hint or will accidentally stumble upon the thing they really want them to do. It is fascinating really when you think about it because so much of our satisfaction, our life satisfaction depends on how sex goes, but we just almost leave it to chance by not talking about it. One of the things we might do in sex therapy is by getting people separately to write down what their perfect sex looks like. I have an exercise which is actually free. You can find it on my social media, on my website, which is called Conditions for Good Sex, which guides people through the process of doing that. And it looks at three main areas. One is psychological arousal, what turns you on in your head, what kind of dynamic between you and the person works for you, how do you need to feel about yourself and your optimum sexual experience? One is physical stimulation, and that could be anything from where you like to be.”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“They want to be a different person sexually, and because they can't talk to their partner about that and they feel typecast in that dynamic, you know, you're the dominant one. I'm not, or the sex that we have is really kind of sensual and caring and I want it to be passionate and animalistic. It's really difficult.”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Relationship dynamics are quite fascinating, as you say, because when we talk about them, we often hear things like, well, obviously, if you're experiencing great amount of relationship conflict, it's going to affect your sex life. I mean, that's, of course, right, we all know that to be true. But actually, it's the subtle dynamics that are quite important. It's having distance from each other and being able to bring in novelty and newness a bit like you do with kind of having that physical distance, but it's also an emotional separation, isn't it? Because you're having experiences separately and then coming back together to talk about them. It's also about what roles you might get typecast into in your relationship. So something I talk about often is the idea that when we have sex with the same person for a long time, we can start to feel as though there's only one way for us to be sexually.”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I would say kiss more, kiss for kissing's sake. Kissing often falls off the agenda in long-term relationships. The number of times I see that with couples I'm working with who've been together decades, they only kiss as part of sex or as initiation of sex. So kissing is a great way of triggering desire. It's also a great way of getting our sexual needs met. So that would be one. The second would be you have to make time to schedule physical intimacy of some type because remember that desire is triggered by that kind of sexual stimuli, whether it's getting naked on the couch and watching a film together that's got good sex scenes in it, whether it's massage, whether it's the bath, whether it's some kind of date night that involves use of your bodies. Without that, there are no triggers to your desire. So you're just kind of waiting to feel it. The third is understand how desire works. It's drastically different than what you've been sold and your normal.”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Do you fancy having a bath together? The fact that you both know where the bath might lead is fine because it allows you to get into that headspace. Oh, okay, I hadn't thought about sex tonight, but the bath might lead to sex. So let me get into a sexual headspace for a minute. So that's quite useful. The problem comes when you say to them afterwards, you said you wanted a bath and we've not had sex. Well, that wasn't what you invited them into. You invited them into the bath. So you have to be okay if it doesn't lead to that. But if you initiate these types of things more, if you think about it, a scattergun approach, more of them are likely to go where you want them to go versus that one time of high pressure.”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yeah, so you've got two options, haven't you? One is that you wait until it's really high pressure and you don't initiate it very often. You wait for this date night, I don't know, once a week, once a month, and everyone knows there's all kinds of stuff riding on it. And that makes it possibly the worst set of circumstances for everyone to feel like sex. Lots of high pressure, sex that might feel formulaic. Everyone's distracted. That means they can't get into it. It's not great sex. The other option is that you keep high levels of sexual currency and you try your best to schedule brief moments of physical intimacy, which could act as scaffolding to take it further. You're right in that you may start to build up an expectation that, oh, every time we say we'll have a bath together, we end up having sex. That might happen. But when you invite someone into the bath, you are inviting them into the bath, right? So you're not inviting them saying, let's have a bath and have sex afterwards. You're saying,”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“So it's one of our sexual scripts that spontaneous sex is better. And I don't necessarily agree with that, but I do agree with the idea that scheduling sex just creates pressure for everyone. How can you in advance agree to something that you don't know if you're going to feel like when you get there? And all that does is create pressure. What you should do, though, in today's day and age is schedule physical intimacy, schedule some type of sexual currency because we're so busy if you don't do that when is it going to happen?”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“More pressure, exactly. What we want instead is a kind of trivial and often way of sexually relating high levels of sexual currency, high levels of initiation. So you find it easy to say to your partner, by the way, at work today, I was thinking about doing this to you when we get home. And your partner can say, that sounds really hot if only I didn't have this meeting tomorrow on my mind. Let's come back to that on the weekend. So you can let somebody know that sex is on your mind. You can invite someone in to something which might be a passionate kiss, might be let's go to bed early and talk about our day, knowing that that is sexual stimuli which might trigger arousal and desire, but also it acts as a way of triggering that initiation. It makes it easy to initiate if you're doing it often and if there's low pressure.”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Absolutely, yeah. So I I always know that my work with couples is done when they find it really easy to invite each other in to sex and really easy to turn each other down. Because what happens when we have low levels of sexual currency and when sex has become an issue is that everything's riding on initiation. So the person initiating waits, they ignore all the other times they want to initiate it because it's quite stressful and they wait until the time it really matters. Maybe it's an anniversary or a weekend away or something where it feels like you should have sex and they initiate it and there's so much riding on it that the other person knows there's so much riding on it. They feel pressure, pressure's a desire killer. It doesn't happen and then the initiation will be even rarer moving forward.”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“A week before the sex they had that felt like going through the motions. So you've got something which meets your sexual needs, which makes you feel desired, attractive, close, like a sexual couple, like you've got some sexual secret between you that no one else can see. Sexual currency does all of that. But it also acts as scaffolding to help us move easily into sex because we talked about expectation and pressure earlier. And if you have high levels of sexual currency, there's low pressure for it to go anywhere because it is your sexual relationship for its own right. It's not someone initiating sex.”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“He is feeling that her lack of interest in sex means that she doesn't desire him as much as she used to, and he's worried about that, because for him that means their relationship is in crisis. She might look elsewhere and also he doesn't feel so good about himself. He wants to feel desired. We all do, right? He gave me an example of a time when they perhaps attended a function and they were in the lift, and as they went up in the lift to get to this function, she pushed him against the lift and kissed him really passionately for the 10 seconds they were in the lift. And then they got out the lift and they carried on with the function. This is sexual currency and that made him feel more desired, more connected to him.”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“But the sexual side of it, the passionate kissing, the bum grabs, the flirtation, the saying you look super hot in that top, these things are sexual currency. So if we think about our sex lives not as this on off switch of the 18 minutes, that's the average for men, women, and they have sex together, these 18 minutes of having sex, however often you're doing it. If you think of your sexual relationship as something which is always happening, something which you're always nurturing, you can imagine the power that that can have on both triggering desire, but also meeting those sexual needs. I give you an example that I wrote about in the new book actually, because parents obviously have limited time available to have sex. And raising sexual currency is one of the ways you can increase sexual satisfaction, even when you can't have any more sex. So if you think about an example of a straight couple whereby”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yeah, so sexual currency, my definition of it would be it's everything that you do that marks you out as a sexual couple, apart from having sex. So this is the stuff that you wouldn't do with your friends. You wouldn't do with your family. You wouldn't do with your kids. So you're physically affectionate with all those people, right?”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Kissing unless it's part of sex. We're not sending each other those flirty messages we used to at the beginning. We're not spending time lounging around in bed on a Sunday morning being naked together in a way that might kick-start desire. So these low levels of sexual currency and these high levels of familiarity, seeing the same person every day means our brains just don't code them as sexual stimuli in the same way.”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Just by knowing how desire works. So our brains code things as sexual, and this could be physical touch. It could be kiss, it could be being naked together, it could be the sight of someone's naked body, it could be a suggestive text. It's different for everybody, but essentially sexual content triggers our arousal, which triggers our desire. It's the reason why the most common thing people say to me in sex therapy is I didn't really feel like it, but we had sex and it was grey and afterwards I said, why don't we do that more? That's responsive desire. It emerges out of sexual activity. The problem of long term relationships is that we see a decline in what I call sexual currency. So how we relate to each other as sexual beings. We start to see sex a bit like an on-off switch. So we're either having sex or the rest of the time we're not being sexual together. You know, we're not passionate.”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“We need to do instead is be aware that our desire can be triggered and find ways to trigger it and have a relationship context that supports triggering it. In that context, we know that people's desire works perfectly well. That means they can have desire feature as much as they want in their relationship.”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“So when we ask women how often do you feel like sex, with your partner, they say either never or maybe once or twice a month, this is spontaneous desire. But we're asking the question about only one type of desire, responsive desire is desire that emerges out of us beginning sexual activity or having what we call sexual stimuli in front of us, a passionate kiss, a flirtation, being naked together, a text that suggests something that we might do later on. The later versions of sex research tell us that actually desire emerges out of being sexual. So it comes from doing something to trigger it. But if your understanding of desire is that you should wait until you feel like it, there's a large proportion of people in long-term relationships that are just never feeling like it and never doing anything about it”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“That type of desire tends to diminish, and its other motivations other than horniness that we're seeking out through sex. So we call these non-sexual motivations, and they may be things like wanting to feel close, stress relief, wanting to feel desired, wanting to demonstrate love or affection, wanting to have fun out of a sense of obligation, because it's been a while. These are all non-sexual motivations which lead us to the behavior of sex. The problem is a lot of people are waiting to feel like it before they act on it. And for those people, they're waiting a really long time. We know that for women particularly, it should be considered normal to never feel like sex out of the blue with your long-term partner. Never”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Might keep that going a bit longer. For most people, they have this experience. And we know that this happens for everyone, but that women struggle to maintain this more than men. So in the UK, we know that 34% of women and 15% of men are worried that they don't feel like sex enough. And that's because they've seen a drop in the spontaneous desire. We talked about sexual scripts earlier and we talked about how we learn about sex from what we see. The way desire is represented to us in the media is lust, passion, spontaneity, that sexual urge that you absolutely have to act on. And yes, that is how it works for some of us some of the time. Perhaps after we've not seen each other for a long time, perhaps at the start of a relationship, and for some people, you know, lifelong with the same person. But it's not the norm. Actually, what the norm is.”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“So that the role of them as a sexual partner is diluted. For other people it's diluted also by being a co-parent. So our brain starts to see that person less as a sexual object. This is an inevitable part of being with someone for a number of years. And we can pretty much guarantee that for most people, spontaneous desire will start to decline about a year or eighteen months into a relationship. Obviously it depends how often you see each other and it sounds like your desire management.”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Don't work like that, and that in the early stages of a relationship, or if we live apart, there's your desire management. We managed to maintain higher levels of that kind of desire. It's called spontaneous desire. or less familiar to us, or perhaps when our dynamic with them isn't diluted by other roles, so for your friend that moves someone in, that person then becomes a flatmate.”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Absolutely, it's a great theory. So desire is possibly one of the most fascinating aspects of sex that is grossly misunderstood by our kind of collective psyche. And it's quite interesting because if you ask most people on the street how desire works or what desire is, they'll tell you that we have such a thing as a sex drive or libido, which kind of comes into our mind and tells us it would be a good idea to have sex. That is an idea that came from sex science in the 50s and 60s when we believed that desire was the first part of the sexual response cycle. So you first had the idea to be sexual and then you acted on it. And that's kind of seeped down into our collective psyche. And that's how we all operate our sex lives. We generally wait to feel like it and then we act on it. But actually we now know that desire.”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I see people of all ages, I see I probably see people mostly in long term relationships. I think people know that desire is my specialist subject, so people tend to seek me out, particularly around desire. I see a lot of parents. I also see a lot of non-parents. But, you know, parenthood brings additional challenges for people to navigate. Even if you think about the time available to have sex, it's much more limited. It can be really difficult to initiate. When you initiate it, the other person might experience it as a really clumsy initiation when they've got a lot on their plate. These are all just, as I said, amplifications of what you might get in long-term relationships generally, but it tends to be the more challenging wedge of the pie.”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Sexual exploration, but for some people means, for one reason or another, they don't have much sex. And then you're expecting to get back to your sexual life when you're getting no sleep, when you're stressed, and when you've got another kind of 37, 40 hours of work a week to do, which is the parenting week. So there's so many reasons why.”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“So it's so common. Sexual dissatisfaction is that it's lowest for couples in the period after having kids. So if you've got an under five year old at home, it's pretty likely that your sex life is suffering for it. It doesn't have to, but many of the kind of reasons why our sex life struggles when kids come along are amplifications of dynamics that we struggle with outside of kids. So for example quite often, but of course not always, people are in a long-term relationship. Quite often they're living together. Being in a long-term relationship and living together are two factors which reduce your desire over time. You're already starting from that point. You may have also been trying to conceive. You might have had problems with fertility, with miscarriage. Sex might have got boring, but you might have had to do it anyway. You've then got pregnancy, which for some people is a golden time.”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I just thought let's say what it is and that is exactly what it is. It's a guide to not let having kids ruin your sex life”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Absolutely. Absolutely. And, you know, attraction can vary in relationships depending on what's happening in the relationship dynamic. So a common thing that I've written about in the new books, it's a book for parents really, is around the dynamic of what it feels like to have a partner who feels like another child. So the idea that you might be having to care for them as well, you know, make their lunches kind of buy their clothes, tidy up after them, that we know from sex research that that's a super unsexy dynamic. And that is something which often falls on women in straight relationships once kids arrive. And that kind of dynamic can shift attraction and may well shift back if that dynamic is addressed.”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“What's going on there and whether, you know, there is a certain situation that you find yourselves in as a couple or whether they're at the moment going through some stuff that maybe makes it harder for you to see them in that light. Sometimes attraction can come back when those relationship contexts are worked on, but if it's never been there from the outset, if it's a very strong sense of a lack of attraction, if someone's eyes have already moved to someone else, then it may be useful to address it”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Say it's important and for them a relationship, they're in a monogamous relationship so they can't get sex elsewhere or they've agreed to not get sex elsewhere. And sex is important, then it's quite important that attraction is part of it. We know that the sex signs tells us that when attraction is high at the beginning, it's really easy to maintain desire over time when attraction is low. It can be really challenging. It's not unusual for me to see couples who've been together decades with very low levels of attraction, but the work they need to do to maintain a sex life that works for them both is tough. So you need to kind of have your eyes open, I guess, about what you're signing up for. If sex is important to you, then attraction is fairly important. I think it's also maybe useful to say that attraction can work some way and it might be worth examining”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And in an ideal world I try and encourage couples to have a kind of regular practice of this. So if you think about your goals for your exercise, your work, your diet, often you'll set yourself goals, right? And you might tell your partner about them in six months from now, I want to do this or this year, I'm working on this. It's quite good to get into the habit of saying, where do we want our sex life to go? How would we like things to be? What do we want to continue? What do we want more of? And what do we want less of? And that's a really positive conversation. You don't need to talk about what you don't like. You're talking about what you want more of instead.”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“No, no, not at this stage, not at this stage. If you feel confident with that and you get into a habit of talking about sex, talking about what's gone well, talking about sex as if it's any other topic of conversation like business or exercise or diet, then you might want to start to talk about things you'd like to be different.”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Relationship. Things you've heard on podcasts, films you saw with good sex scenes in them, bring things in rather than talking about the two of you. After that, if you get good at that, it might be worthwhile talking about your own sex when it goes well. So a good time to do this is after sex that's gone well or at another time when you're feeling really emotionally connected. Maybe you're out for dinner, maybe you're having a weekend away and talk about what you really liked and why.”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I heard this thing on Darius CEO podcast. And it was about depictions of pleasure in porn. And I thought it was really interesting. And it occurred to me, we don't talk about porn much. You know, is that something you'd be open to talk about, whether you watch it, whether you like it, what you like. That might feel too much for some people. And it might be, I heard a podcast about sex and it talked about the importance of talking. And I thought, we don't do that much. So there's ways of bringing it in, which are saying, look, this I think would be good for us. The key point is stating the impact that you think it will have. So I would like to talk more about this because I heard it means you can guarantee great sex for the rest of your life. So I think that would be good for us. I'm committed to this relationship. I want our sex to stay great. This might be awkward for us, but can we do it? So the starting point, if you're nervous, is always to talk about things outside of your sexual relationship.”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“You listen, I express myself. Absolutely. And I always recommend the Gottmans. I don't know if you know their work I recommend them because they have some great resources around general communication. It's important to have a good basis if you're going to talk about sex. But if people can talk about other things, they find it relatively easy to hear each other and to share their kind of hopes and fears, then it might be useful to start to create a culture where talking about sex becomes the norm. This is always the place you want to end up, right? We all want to end up with a relationship culture that supports easy communication about sex. That's the guaranteed route, sexual satisfaction. And to do that, we have to make it something that we do frequently without any pressure, without any expectation that something big has to change. So an early way to start that might be, for example, to bring in some novelty in your communications about sex. So people might be listening to this podcast and they might say, oh, how was your day?”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“You say thanks, and you tip them, and you go. So we need to get better at talking about it. And it's not easy. It's easy for me. I talk about it all day, every day, but I know that that's not the norm. And part of the work that I do is try and help people, try and give people the scaffold to talk about it. And I can talk you through that if you like. So it might be that the best place to start is to find out how people find talking about challenging topics anyway with their partner. So if you can't talk about other things outside of sex without it going into an argument, then it might be worth just looking at communication full stop. Forget sex for the moment. Just talk about that.”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“There's a lot of worry and risk involved what if I say this and they don't like it. And because of that, it's easier to avoid. But the most fascinating thing about sex, I think, is that it's constantly evolving for us. So you and I were not the same people sexually than we were when we were fifteen, sixteen, and we won't be the same sexual people in another ten, fifteen years than we are now. So we need to be able to have the ability for growth, right? Growth and flex in our sexual relationships. But how do you do that if you can't talk about it? It's a bit like going to the hairdressers, same hairdressers for the rest of your life. And every time you sit down, not saying anything and just hoping that they'll give you the haircut that you want, you wouldn't do it, right?”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Communication is so important. We know that being able to talk about sex is one of the most highly correlated factors with long-term sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction and maintaining desire over time. It's more important than the amount you have sex, liking the same thing sexually. It's so important, but it's so hard to do. And we know why it's hard, right? It's because we're not socialized to talk about it. We're not often given the words that feel comfortable. We are out of practice getting those words out of our mouth so they feel kind of clumsy and awkward.”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT