YouSaid · the spoken record

Doctor Karen Gurney

lines on the record: 118
first: 2024-02-19
most recent: 2024-02-19
sittings or episodes: 1
sources: podcast

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“Yes. Yeah, that's really interesting research. There was some research that talked about depictions of female pleasure and pleasure-inducing acts for women from the 100 most popular videos on Pornhub. And they found that women's pleasure was shown in about 18% of those top 100 videos. And men's pleasure or acts that produce pleasure for men, mainly around penis and vagina sex, because that's men's most favorite sexual act. It's women's least favorite sexual act. That was depicted in about 78% of cases. So it's quite interesting then when you think about the fact that we're learning from what we see. Because what does that then tell us about what sex should look like about when sex ends, about whose pleasure is prioritized? And it's one of the reasons that we have an orgasm gap when men”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“These things tell us well, that's what real sex is. And then you hear people talking about that and backing that up with things like, well, we did everything but. Which is like we didn't have sex, but you did have sex because you were sexual together. So, what happens with these sexual scripts is that they benefit us to some degree because they reduce our anxiety. That's what sexual scripts are there for, to give us some idea of what's expected. But what they do to us in the absence of communication is they give us an idea about what we should be doing or what someone else wants to do without us having to talk about it, which often means that problems arise.”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“The number ending in 05. I think that's a great sex fact. So, what that means then is that we're all living our sex lives based on something we call sexual script theory. This is a concept that organically came out of the work of some sex researchers in the 70s called Gagnon and Simon. And they discovered that actually in the absence of talking about sex, we all have quite set ideas about what our sex lives should look like. And we've picked this up from the media, from how people talk about sex in popular culture in how we've used language. What this means is that we have a set of ideas and this includes things like penis and vagina is the main course of sex and everything else isn't really sex. And language backs that up, doesn't it, with the use of the word foreplay, kind of relegating any other type of sex to less than, and the use of the word virginity, which we only really use to refer to penis and vagina sex.”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yeah, everyone does There's actually a fascinating sex research fact, which is one of my favourite fats, which is that men, when they say the number of sexual partners that they've had, are more likely to round it up to a zero or a five.”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And what happens in porn, and maybe hear from our friends, but we don't really know if they're telling the truth or not. So, what that means is we've all got.”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yes, pressure is not good for our sex lives. And one of the challenges with pressure is that when you think about initiation, it's often very much bound up in pressure. And perhaps we'll talk about initiation in a second. But actually, the foundation of those problems with expectation and pressure is not being able to talk about it. Because if you think about it, what we really want to say is I'm feeling quite stressed about the sex situation. And the fact that we don't talk about it means that those things are hanging between us. And we know with sex that one of the fascinating things about it is like other ways in which we learn, we learn about sex by what we witness in the media and what we pick up from social learning, something psychologists call social learning theory. When it comes to sex, we don't witness how anyone else is doing it, really. We only see what happens on TV.”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“The second thing that happens is that when we worry about something that activates our sympathetic nervous system, sending chemical messengers around the body saying, don't have sex, there's something to worry about. It can't tell the difference between a modern day worry like this email has come through that's ruined my day versus a sabre-toothed tiger has just walked in, you know, our brains are still primitive in that regard. So what happens is that switches off our sexual response might mean that you struggle to get turned on. It might mean that you struggle to feel anything. It might mean that your body doesn't work in the way you want it to. And then, of course, the next time you go into it, what are you thinking? You're thinking, what if it doesn't work?”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“So it's quite interesting because there's also something else that happens when we get turned on, which is that we get this attentional focused narrowing. So one of the features of physiological arousal, so when blood flows around the body, particularly to the genitals, is that we know it kind of sharpens our attention. It makes us basically want to block out the rest of the world. And I'm sure we've all had experiences when we've been completely in the moment during sex, when we've not thought about a single other thing that might be happening around us. So that attentional narrowing is great unless your attention has been hijacked by a worry, because then you get attentional narrowing on the worry. And what happens when we worry about something is that it interferes with sexual response in two main ways. The first is that it takes our attention away from what's erotic.”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“In fact, everybody needs the kind of conditions for good sex as I call it to be right. They need to be in the right kind of headspace. They need to be not distracted. They need to know that the environment is an environment that works for them. It's quite important. So, yeah, your experience mirrors what a lot of people are probably sat at home thinking about just now.”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“That's it. And that's also exactly what we were talking about earlier on, right? Which is that our society has changed. The way we work has changed. So perhaps three decades ago, you wouldn't have been checking your emails just before bed, which means that wouldn't have started that cascade of thoughts about work, which would then perhaps pique your cortisol, your stress levels, and then cut off your ability to get turned on. So that is one of the major things that has shifted for all of us. And I think, you know, one of the myths that we would benefit from quashing about sex is this idea that particularly men are always up for it, are always ready to have sex. It's just not true.”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Like turning down the volume on the TV. So it becomes harder for our bodies to respond, so to stay, aroused, for example, it becomes harder for us to feel anything, so our pleasure is turned down, it becomes harder for us to come. And ultimately over time it gets in the way of our desire. On the contrary, if we work on that distraction, either by trying to remove them, or trying to tackle the worries at their root cause, or trying to promote our ability to pay attention where we want it to be. So that's sexual thought, sexual sensations, pleasure. Then it's like turning up the volume. And we've seen plenty of research that demonstrates the enormously powerful impact of mindfulness on sexual response.”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“That's right. So there's an enormous amount of data about attention and sex. And obviously one of the ways in which we can sharpen our attention is mindfulness. We know that mindfulness works across a range of challenges that we face, whether it's pain management, whether it's sleep, whether it's about appetite regulation, all kinds of things. But when it comes to sex, it's super powerful. When you're distracted during sex, And we know that over 90% of people have non-sexual thoughts during sex. Everyone gets distracted. We know that from the research. But what happens when we start to get distracted most of the time or when those distractions are what we call cognitively salient, which means they're worrying or they're particularly stressful, like, oh, I'm not going to calm, or what if I don't stay hard or is she enjoying this, those types of distractions? What happens is our distraction is basically turning down our arousal.”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“to pay attention to what's happening in your body or being able to pay attention to what's happening in your mind is crucial but as a society i think we're getting less and less able to pay attention we're getting more and more in pursuit of distraction and that shows itself all the time in sex therapy you know couples who come to see me because they feel that they're never having sex but yet when you look at their week they actually have very little time together and the time together they do have they're both busy scrolling they're watching netflix and scrolling they're perhaps doing three things at once they're checking their work emails that's taking them to a whole new cognitive place of stress and so it's no wonder that people don't have space for their desire to emerge and that's definitely a newer phenomenon”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yeah, that's a good one because lots of things have stayed the same, right? So we know that, for example, problems with desire remain the most common reason why people end up in my clinical room. But lots of things have also shifted. Data actually shows those shifts over the last few decades. So we have long-term data into the lives of people in the UK in terms of their sex lives. And we know that we're having less sex this decade than we were the decade before and the decade before that. So the amount of sex we're having, for example, is going down from my clinical hunches, but also from what's been written about in the research, we have a good idea that that's about our pace of life, our work-life balance, our distractability, our use of devices. It's become evident in the last kind of two decades that when it comes to sex, attention is a really key part of it. It's really key.”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“There's so much about sex that's fascinating, I think. There's loads we don't know. There's loads we do know, but no one talks about. People find it so hard to talk about sex, and it's so stigmatized that, you know, when people come into the room, you can really see the weight of it on their shoulders. It's hard for them to speak about. It's embarrassing for them and to be the person that makes that feel comfortable and to be the person that can create change in a part of their life that matters so much but is perhaps something they've never told their closest friend about is hugely rewarding. You also get to work with people across all ages. So, you know, from their teens to their 90s, you get to work with couples, individuals, you get everything with sex therapy. I love it.”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I spend my working week trying to change people's relationships with sex, and the reason I do that is because although we might think that sex is a kind of frivolous, recreational pursuit, it actually isn't. It's super important for our psychological well-being, for our relationship well-being. We know that when people have great sex, their relationships last longer, we know that when people have great sex, they're even more productive in work the next day. There are so many reasons why sex is important. But unfortunately, as a society, we've kind of got it all wrong about how sex works, about what we should be doing. And because of that, we have hugely high rates of dissatisfaction with people's sex lives in the UK, but also worldwide.”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“This might be surprising to some people. 52% of women and 42% of men are unhappy with the sex lives that they have. And that's because as a society we've got sex all wrong. For example, the way desire is represented to us is lust, passion, spontaneity, but it's not the norm. And the problem is a lot of people are waiting to feel like that. And they're waiting a really long time. What we need to do instead is be aware that our desire can be triggered using what I call sexual currency. I'll go into that. We also know that penis and vagina sex is women's least favourite sexual act, but that's how we see how sex should be. So we see less pleasure and less reward for women, but also if you ask most people how often they should be having sex, everyone says three times a week. It's actually drastically different than that three times a month. And that shows the way we understand sex is all wrong.”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Everyone wants more sex, better sex, and there is a huge amount that we can do that can guarantee great sex for the rest of your life. So that the best place to start is”
2024-02-19 · The Diary of a CEO · The Orgasm Expert: Women Don’t Like Penetrative Sex As Much As Men! This Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex! Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom! - Doctor Karen Gurney · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT