YouSaid · the spoken record

Emily Nagoski

lines on the record: 113
first: 2019-09-17
most recent: 2019-09-17
sittings or episodes: 1
sources: podcast

Every line below is reproduced as it was said and linked to the record it came from. Nothing here is summarised or generated. Directory · Search · Corrections

“Imagine a world where a presidential candidate says, I can grab men by the dick when you're a celebrity they let you do it. People were like, I mean, yeah, women? This sounds so big. I'm afraid it's going to sound condescending. Women. Have the same basic bodily autonomy, that is, the right to choose when and how they are touched, as men do. They have been taught all their lives that they must make sure everyone around them is comfortable and happy. And so they will sacrifice their own bodily autonomy. For your sake, and women need men's help to gain full grasp of our own basic bodily autonomy, that we are not required to set ourselves on fire to keep other people warm or to Sacrifice ourselves on the altar of someone else's comfort and happiness.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“By learning about other people. That's actually called connected knowing Thing. It's in chapter six of burnout. Okay, so let me see if I can boil it down to one thing. So emptying my brain. Emily, you have a chance to tell every to implement everybody in the world one message about women so that you can improve the lives of women.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Every time I think of something to say I think, you know what? If they knew that about women, then they'd also be learning about men and themselves, and it would help them for that too.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“So this is not the direct answer. So, the answer to the question what women need to know about men is they have this really deep wound and they're not going to show it unless you like get to a really deep place of intimacy and connection. Like it's hard to even the person I'm married to. Is not a thing we talk about like on the regular”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And women are granted permission to feel sad. Which is why women get to cry Message is the source of white women's tears, so we use it as a racist weapon, too. This all gets so much more complicated when we add race to it, and we're a couple of white people, I think, sorry, I don't mean to be like assume. So as a white lady, I know that my cultural gendered message that I'm permitted to feel sad gets turned into a way for me to manipulate and control a situation where I as a white person feel uncomfortable because sad is what I'm allowed to have. And when I feel sad, everyone has to come take care of me.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Right. So, really early on, we're taught to be the managers of the emotions in relationships and what John Gottman's research shows is that women are indeed in heterosexual relationships, the managers of the emotions and the relationship responsible for like down regulating the men who like we get taught something about feelings mostly about how to deal with other people's feelings whereas men get almost nothing about how to deal with any feelings. They're granted permission to feel anger, but don't get taught how to like express that anger in a way that doesn't hurt themselves or someone else.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Are living the long term impacts of that. And women get the same thing, the specific message of human giver syndrome. If you're a human giver, your job, your moral obligation is to be pretty, happy, yet calm, generous, and attentive to the needs of others. So you suppress every other emotion like little girls get taught, oh, honey. Oh, it makes me so sad to see you with a frown on your face. Don't cry. You put a smile on that pretty face. And what that's saying is when you're emotionally uncomfortable, that makes me uncomfortable, my comfort matters more than yours. Right. You pretend to be fine. I don't have to hear.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And that patriarchal message is, I think, the primary source of violence against women perpetrated by men is that they don't know what to do with all their hurt, but they know that they can't control this factor in their life and they're so full of rage and despair it has to go somewhere.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And we, especially because the narrative of men is there supposed to be super strong and invulnerable, we sort of accept that they actually are super strong and invulnerable and not carrying around these like really deep permanent bleeding wounds underneath the armor that they have been forced to wear all their lives.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Subordinate. And if you can't control your subordinate, then you have failed in your masculine duty, right? And so there's this intense vulnerability around sexuality where to reject a man's sexuality is to reject something really fundamental in his personhood. There is a wound that I think most men are carrying around related to sexual rejection that They will almost never tell anyone about. I think. I mean, am I totally wrong”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“That gets communicated. Women I think no but tend to downplay the extent to which men are taught that their value as human beings is measured by their sexual prowess, even if it's not what a person explicitly believes the cultural message is your worth is measured by the number of vaginas you can put your penises in. And if you can't get your penises into the vaginas because they won't let you, then you lose. PS women are morally inferior to you. And so you are losing to someone morally inferior to you. And that makes you less even than a woman. These are not explicitly held messages for almost anyone, but the idea with human giver syndrome is that women are”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yeah. So I'm going to replace your language just for precision's sake. Cisgender women and cisgender men. Because we're talking about the gender binary. And we're thinking about the ways”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And then there's a little hedge over the side of the bedroom wall where, like, we were allowing all the sleepy hedgehogs to help themselves to the hedge off the bed.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“A prickle of sleepy hedgehogs. So you can then take like whole prickles of sleepy hedgehogs and move them into the hedge where they belong. When I was doing this in my own, I was like, I'm married to the man on earth who happens to be a cartoonist. And so when we were having this conversation in our own relationship, he drew our bed with a little hedgehog-size escalator.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And the despair and the fear, and in the book, I use this ridiculous metaphor of sleepy hedgehog. So if you imagine that, like, the floor between these two people is crowded with all these sleepy hedgehogs, all these uncomfortable feelings, each of which has to be picked up and managed with like kindness and compassion so that you can set it free so that you can find your way back to each other. One by one. Fortunately, when you're actually in this process, once you get the knack of turning toward difficult feelings with kindness compassion, you can take, did you know the mass noun for hedgehogs is prickle?”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And the reason I'm bringing it up now is because I saw this wonderful sex coach working with a couple sort of at a workshop. And she had them stand up and she said, so face each other, but put as much distance between your bodies as you need to feel comfortable and safe and good and the low desire partner stepped back 20 feet, right? Like the whole stage, just all this space. And the difficult part was not that there was all this space between them. It was that that space was not empty. That space is crowded with months of accumulated like, well, if you really love me, you would. Or like, I don't know what's wrong with me, but your criticism isn't helping and you're not there for me. And all this, like, the hurt feelings and the conflict and the misunderstanding and the sense of isolation.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yes. That can be the way it goes. So, if you're going to have a conversation with your partner about your sexual connection, there are some ways to do it that are less likely to result in disaster. One is, and this is the classic John Gottman Gentle Startup. First of all, you ask permission is now a good time to talk about this, or else let's find a time to talk about it because it really is important to me and I want to hear your thoughts about it. So one, asking permission to the gentle, positive startup of like, here are the things I really love about our sexual connection. These are the reasons why it's really important to me. Tell me a little about like what you value about our sexual connection. Because again, couples who sustain a strong sexual connection, they prioritize sex. So like, what is it about our sexual connection that really matters for us? And then you can talk about, you want to get the other person to talk about the things that they feel like are standing between them.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Certainly a sign that something has changed in the relationship. That thing could be a new job or a new baby or there's all kinds of reasons why. Or it could be that like There's being a breakdown in communication and trust and sense of connection in the relationship. It can be.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Stress can come from all different kinds of sources, and the stress doesn't have to be about your relationship in order for it to impact your sex life.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“It can be absolutely. So the way the sexual response mechanism works in the brain is the dual control mechanism, which means it's got two parts. There's a sexual accelerator, which notices all the sex-related information in the environment. It's often associated with a reduction in sexual interest and sexual connection.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“It's not really just about that. I, the therapist in me wants to say that People are allowed any individual human is entitled to secret gardens in their life, places where no one else is permitted to go. And I don't actually like to know what would an empirical answer be? How would you even empirically ask the question, is it okay for a person to have a place in their life where even their closest friends aren't allowed to go, even their best friend, even their marriage partner isn't allowed to go. We would have to look at the relationships and see who's satisfied and who's not. I don't actually know. The answer to that question.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Because it means your partner has a place in their life where you're not allowed to go. The researcher called it a secret garden. So it's not just that they have a place where you aren't where they're hiding it, but that you don't have permission. These women feel they should have access to every part of the domain that is their partner's inner world. So that's not me. And actually hearing her describe it that way helped me understand why my betrayal, you broke a promise explanation feels so unsatisfactory to some people because some people are like, yes, absolutely. You broke the rules. You lied to me. You betrayed it. Like you could have talked to me about the thing you felt was missing from our relationship. And instead, you just broke your promise to me. And then there's other people who hear me talking about that and they're like,”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Said you were going to pick up the kids at six o'clock, and you weren't there until 7 30, and they sat there and they waited, and you broke your promise, and that's not okay. And then there's other people who feel like cheating is wrong.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“God, all kinds of reasons. Basically, insert a stair Perel's research here. Like, she has talked to hundreds of couples about all the different reasons why. The main reason they happen is not anything to do with sexuality. It's because people are getting needs met in that relationship that they are no longer getting met in this other relationship. Affair for me technically means that this is a relationship that's happening outside the consent and or awareness of the other partner. I actually just talked to a therapist and researcher in Moscow who asked a whole bunch of women. So when you think about cheating, if you think there's anything wrong with cheating, what is it that makes it wrong? And some of the participants said that the reason they thought cheating was wrong was that because it was a lie, basically. This describes me too. Like cheating is wrong for the same reason that like, you know,”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I did it. You have to get feelings. You have to go through the darkness to get to the light at the end. So that's what actually works for betrayal and heartbreak.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“What we have to do instead is we can do it in our imagination. We can talk about it with our friends. We can take that energy, that rage and the sadness and purge it in all kinds of different ways, physical activity, sobbing. Writing it out. I have literally written my breakups as fiction, cried on my keyboard, and been like, there.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“We want them to feel the suffering that they inflicted on us that feels fair. But in reality, if we ever got that chance, it wouldn't give us that. It doesn't provide that physiologically, that is not how the system is built.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Right. So, what revenge does it not so much about what you do to the person you get revenge against? It's that it communicates to other people don't fuck with me. So it's power play that's useful if you want to be in a dominant controlling pretty vicious position socially. Otherwise, we are faced with the sad reality that there is just a separateness between dealing with the feelings we have about a situation and dealing with the situation itself. In reality, when we are betrayed, when we get our hearts broken, especially when it is the termination of that relationship, we long for an opportunity to hurt that person the way they hurt them.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“only useful if you're in an actual like mob type situation where somebody like betrays your trust that was that was my terrible branding”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I was just having this conversation with my car in the car with my sister. We were driving to Washington, D.C., talking about our ex-boyfriends for some reason. Oh, it's because we drove past where one of them used to live. And I said, I hope he's divorced And the reason for that was because, like, I was super, we were very young. I was like a kid when this happened. And I was like fucked up and he was mad at me because I heard his feelings. And it's very satisfying to me when my early partners end up having their relationships end painfully because then I can just be like, see, it wasn't just me. Not just that I was supposed to, so there is a sort of badge.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And you just take your dozen cupcakes and go home. I'm over here feeling this is the technical definition of betrayal. I trusted you and you just took everything.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Like, I don't there because there are people who just take the meme of a partner like that. I'm really lucky. He's amazing.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“So, like a normal thing to do would be to give me six. And then I've got six, and you've got six. That's maximum cupcakes mathematically from this game. So perfect trust. Perfect trustworthiness maximizes cupcakes, and cupcakes, of course, is here a metaphor for the things we give and receive in relationships, time, attention, love, sex, actual money, sometimes actual cupcakes, let's face it.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“So if I'm ever in a position to play this game with you again, I'm going to be more likely to try and like maybe give you more cupcakes, right? But if I know this is crazy, I just met you, but I'm going to go ahead and give you all four cupcakes, which means you now have to. Cupcakes, you're totally trustworthy and deserve the total trust I have given you. What do you do”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“The basics is we tend to reciprocate. And the rules baseline are go ahead and trust until you have reason not to. But suppose, like, you know, I've been hurt in my cupcake past, but I'm willing to give you a chance. And so I give you one cupcake, you have three. Assume you're trustworthy. What do you do?”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“In which case you have more cupcakes. Right. Because after I make a decision, assuming I don't just walk out with my four cupcakes, you then have a choice too. You can take your cupcakes and go home, or you can reciprocate. And then the game is over. That's the basic trust game, right? So if I don't trust you, I'm taking the four and going home.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“So, the research experiment is we're sitting here in this room, and the researchers have given me four cupcakes, and I have a choice. I can take my cupcakes, go home, or I can give you any number of cupcakes I choose. And because magic of trust, any cupcake I give you turns into three cupcakes. So if I give you one cupcake, you actually end up with three cupcakes, right? And then I still have three cupcakes. And if I don't trust you at all,”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“So there's a when, if you want to know the details about this, there's an amazing, very pretty technical book called The Science of Trust by John Gottman. It's one of his nerdier books that goes really in depth into the science of trust and game theory research on it. From a logical perspective, it just makes sense because if you yourself are not trustworthy, like if you would violate someone's trust, then of course you assume that the other person would. So in the research when they do the trust game, they play with money, but I will describe it with cupcakes if that's okay with you.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“You that can feel playful and lead to other things. Whereas if the exact same, certain special someone tries to kill you when you're pissed. Punch him in the face a little bit And it's the same sensation, but because the context is different the way your nucleus incumbent shell interprets that sensation is opposite.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Go for it, like you're allowed to do whatever you want to do, so that freedom to play is the last factor that increases people's experience of pleasure with sexuality. One of my favorite quotes is actually from a Dorothy Sayer's mystery novel. Her detective, Lord Peter Whimsy, says that the worst sin passion can commit is to be joyless. It must lie down with laughter or make its bed in hell. There can be no middle path. And that's what the research says is true. The reason these things are true is because of nerdy things having to do with rat research that basically say the way your brain interprets sensation changes depending on the emotional state in which you perceive it, which we all know to be true because of tickling. I know tickling is not everybody's favorite, but if you just like imagine you're certain special someone, you're already in like a playful, flirty, turned on kind of thing and your partner takes.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“With your partner to have fun, to experiment. They're actually, I know we have these scripts in our head about like what order things are supposed to go and what we're supposed to do, but the fact is, consenting adults are allowed to do anything they want to to each other. Like if you want to fuck your partner's armpit, you are allowed to with their permission. It's called axillary intercourse. People like it when there's names for things. So like if I can be like, yeah, there's a name for that. Axillary intercourse. Do you. Go for it if you like it. Awesome. If it's not for you, don't do that. Someone asked me what I really like is when my partner licks between the arches of my feet when the soles of my feet are pressed together. I couldn't find a name for it, so I made one up interplant her linktis. Now that it has a name.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“They're building the bed into the wall in the bedroom. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. So setting those sorts of factors make a difference. And there's a lot of things that are very controllable about the setting. And it's easy to figure out what works for you just by thinking about, so like, what are the great sexual experiences that you've had? Other life circumstances. So this is just like how stressed out are you about the kids and money and patriarchy and like all the other things, other life circumstances that keep the brakes on. And then the last factor is my favorite. It's called ludic factors. Ludic from the same root as the word ludicrous. It means to play. So how free do you feel to play?”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yeah, and to give it. And there is a relationship between trustworthiness and willingness to trust. Setting is another factor that influences whether or not something is pleasurable. So some people really love having the same sex in the same bed that they've had sex every time for the last 10 years. Some people really want to be in like a hotel room where they know they're not going to have to deal with the laundry. I met a woman who had vacationed regularly at this one very old vacation house and had great sacks at this one vacation house. And one year they rented a house. It was in the same town, but it was a different house and the great sex didn't happen. They have three kids. And what she realized was this house was so old. The bed was built into the wall, so it made no squeaking noise. So she didn't have that distraction of worrying about the kids hearing the squeaking. And so they're building a house now.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Sexuality. So mental and physical wellbeing your own. Two is partner characteristics. And we don't just think one dimensionally about their physical appearance. We're also talking about sense of humor and like watching them be expert at the thing that they do. When my husband's funny, that's the main thing for me. My sister is a musician married to a musician. And when she hears her husband practicing piano in the other room, like that really does it for her partner characteristics. It's not just about what do they look like. And here it is again, trust.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yeah, it depends. And everything is normal. Like, you're not, if both of you are satisfied having no sex, that is just part of the spectrum. You do you. So I'm not one of those sex educators. It's like, sex is so important. You really need to prioritize it. Because there are some people for whom it is not important. Don't prioritize it if it's not important to you. I'm not going to make anybody. But for the people for whom it is important, there are six factors that increase pleasure. The first is obviously personal, mental and physical well-being. The best predictor, in particular of a woman's sexual well-being, is her overall well-being. That's going to interfere with your enjoyment of sexuality. If you were just diagnosed with breast cancer, that's going to interfere with your sexuality. If you're experiencing depression, anxiety, going to interfere with your”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Oh, there's way too many. So, okay. Frequency does not matter because, again, pleasure is the measure of sexual well-being. And frequency of sex is not a predictor of sexual satisfaction because people vary so much. There are some people who are like, if I don't get it every day, then I don't feel okay. And other people are like, once a month, that's fine or less.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Oh, I want to add one more thing. If people have kids, it is normal. Early in the child experience for sex do disappear from a relationship for any number of reasons, not least being that your sleep is going to be deeply fucked up. And we know that sleep is actually a predictor of frequency and quality of sex. There was one study from, oh, 2015 that showed that adding one extra hour of sleep increased the chances of having sex the next night by 10%.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Looks like we're told we need to like spice it up. And if you like to spice it up, go for it. Novelty can be a great way to like keep the wheels spinning. But ultimately what matters, that engagement with sexual novelty like porn and roleplay and toys, those things are great if you like them, but the choice to engage with them in a positive way is itself. Prioritizing sex, deciding that it matters enough for your life to spend your money and your time collecting those things and participating in those things.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Trust at the foundation of their relationship. There it is again trust. And two, they prioritize sex. They decide, they choose it, they believe that it matters for the quality of their relationship, that they set aside all the other stuff they could doing, the child care that they need to be doing and the jobs they need to go to and other family members and friends and God forbid they just want to watch Game of Thrones, right? They cordon off time just to spend doing this frankly sort of strange thing that we humans do of like rolling our bodies around and combining our fluids and like breathing heavily and like if you're somebody walked in and didn't know what it was they might be worried about you because of your facial expression. Those are the couples who sustain a strong sexual connection. I know this isn't the story where we're usually told about what a satisfying sex life in the long term.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“want it Versus responsive desire, which emerges in response to pleasure, so in a long term relationship, what this often looks like is like you got the child care and you put the last load of laundry in the dryer and so you trump up the stairs because it's Saturday at 3 o'clock like you said you me in the red underwear Let's do this thing And so you put your body in the bed and you let your skin touch your partner's skin and your body goes oh right I like this I like this person That's responsive desire and spontaneous and responsive desire are both normal healthy ways to experience desire but responsive desire is more typical of that like later in the relationship sort of experience the couples who sustain a strong sexual connection the two things they do have in common one they are friends they have a strong friendship with”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT