YouSaid · the spoken record

Emily Nagoski

lines on the record: 113
first: 2019-09-17
most recent: 2019-09-17
sittings or episodes: 1
sources: podcast

Every line below is reproduced as it was said and linked to the record it came from. Nothing here is summarised or generated. Directory · Search · Corrections

“The couples who sustain a strong sexual connection over multiple decades. This is the talk I'm giving tomorrow. Among the couples who sustain a strong sexual connection over multiple decades, they have two characteristics in common. Those characteristics are not that they have sex very frequently. Almost no one has sex very frequently because, you know, we're busy. These are not necessarily couples who have wild adventurous sex. This is one of my favorite studies. Just a couple of years ago, a study found that the best predictor of sex and relationship satisfaction was not how often a couple had sex or even like what orgasms they have, but whether or not they cuddled after sex. And these are not necessarily couples that like constantly can't wait to get their hands on each other. Sometimes they are from come as you are, you know the difference between spontaneous desire, which just seems to emerge out of the blue. Erica Mowen, the cartoonist who illustrated, come as you are, draws spontaneous desire as a lightning bolt of the genitals. Kaboom!”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“So here's a sort of standard narrative that early on in the hot and heavy fallen in love, there's a greater frequency of sex, a greater intensity of sexual experience where you're like bonding together and building the foundation of what it's eventually going to grow into. It feels a very high desire, high intensity of pleasure, hopefully. And you're often using sex as a way to repair any potential damage to the bond, like if you have a fight or if one of the partners goes away for a while, you come back together in a sexual way for sure. So that's the sort of early in the relationship. And then you get together and you realize this person, your plan is for them to be there forever. And it's really easy at that point for sex to drop away from your list of priorities in life because you've got a lot of other stuff to do.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Male. People vary. Not only do people vary from each other and couples vary from each other, but also people change across time and relationships change across time.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And I was going to say, do you, but I guess what I mean is do me? Go to town, buddy. How's that for a come on? Get it over”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“So you come into it being like, this is an experience that's about me connecting with this other human being who matters a lot to me and it's about the fact that this person matters so much to me. That's what I think is implied by making love. And it's totally possible to have sex in the absence of that. It is totally possible to just like put your body parts together in a noisy, energetic, athletic way, which I think is what is meant by fucking. And I think having sex is putting your parts together in like a lazy kind of way. Like you just like here, this is sort of like bare minimum.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“So almost none of the sex we have is reproductive. It's primary function for us as a species as a social behavior. So that one specific kind of social behavior of making love, of bonding a pair of people together who intend to like stay and maintain that bond over the long term, that attachment behavior is biological. There's hormones involved and like chemical changes. It's biological, but it's also social and it requires a particular mindset where you go into it with a bunch of things turned off, a bunch of cultural scripts in particular turned off, that this is sex about performance, that this is sex about reproduction, that this is sex that's just about like a notch on a, do people use that term still a notch on the headboard?”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“It's this, it's not. Well, I mean, so then we need to figure out what counts as biological versus what's some other level of analysis because in the technical sense the soulful emotional connection implied by making love, that's part of the biological power of sex is it's a bonding socially connecting behavior. Almost none of the sex humans have ever had is reproductive even before there was hormonal contraception. There was not a statistically significant relationship between frequency of sex and number of pregnancies.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Pleasure is the measure of sexual well-being. It's not about how often you do it, who you do it with, what room you do it in, what positions, how many orgasms you have, it's whether or not you like the sex you are having. So if you like whatever counts as fucking for you, do you.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Remember it better and they believe you more. So I made it rhyme. Ready? There's a lot of different ways about breaking down the different kinds of sex we have. Pleasure is the measure.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Seen like two episodes, but it's a thing that I feel like people talk about. I have read like no academic article breaking down, making love. Having sex and fucking. Oh, it was in the movie Kids from like 1995, I think, where they're talking about like having sex, whereas fucking is like really energetic, impassionate, but not emotionally connected. Again, Sue Johnson breaks it down in a different way. She has solace sex and separate sex and three different things that start with S. So here's a thing I've learned since I wrote Come As You Are People believe you more when the things you say rhyme.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“People often have this one script they go back to over and over. And I can tell that I am stressed or that we're just having generic conflict in the relationship when I go to I need more help. I just need more help. Why can't I? Why do I have to do everything myself? I need your help. And the fact that I can recognize it like I hear the script coming out of my mouth, and I'm like, oh, wait, that's my mother. That's not this relationship. That's just me and my bullshit. And that happens to us whether our relationship is monogamous or open.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Oh, sure. Yeah. I mean, but when you open it up to other partners, it becomes you're like, you have expanded the space where trust is crucial because that person's going to go like put their body and potentially their fluids in contact with someone else's body and fluids. And then they're going to come home and bring those body and fluids back into the house. And you need to trust that your partner has done everything that you would want them to do to protect you and your relationship. And again, I've seen it work beautifully and powerfully and it can be extraordinary. And no relationships are easy. Relationships are hard. You get confronted with all the shit from your family of origin. John Gottman uses the phrase enduring vulnerabilities. When you get stressed, when stress, when trust is challenged in a relationship,”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“It had everything to do with his own self doubt, with his inability to cope with his insecurities about himself is what it came down to. Trust really, when it's stressed in a relationship, it comes down either to like, I don't trust that I'm a good enough person for my partner to stay with, or I don't trust that my partner Is trustworthy. And trust is going to get challenged, and you have to meet your commitments. This is why calendar management is so important. You got to show up when you say you were going to show up. If you said 630, show up at 6.30 or text and say, I'm going to be 15 minutes late because that's how you establish trust in a relationship where it's really important that you know your partner's going to be there for you when you need them.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Worried about, but my client was a doctoral student in French literature and he would sit on his porch chain smoking cigarettes in the rain, imagining all the terrible scenarios of like what's going to happen basically as my partner's going to realize that everyone else in the world is a better romantic partner than I am. And he's going to leave me when he recognizes that.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“She told me she loved you a lot. Yeah, So she defines trust. She breaks it down to are you there for me? Are you available? And I forget what they are in the eaves stand for, but are you there for me is trust. So if you're good at being emotionally present with your partner, then awesome. If you can expand that to other people, then that's really promising. If you're good at staying over your own emotional center of gravity, so like when your partner is out with somebody else and you know they're out with somebody else and you're experiencing all kinds of feelings, I had some clients, my master's degree is in counseling. I trained as a sex therapist, ended up not becoming a sex therapist.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Are the signs? That's a really good question. When it works well, is when people go into it with a profound degree of love and trust, trust in particular is really essential. Sue Johnson, the relationship researcher who developed emotionally focused therapy, I love her a lot. That's funny.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Open relationships might not be for you. You know, the sort of idea of let's have a baby, that's how to save our relationship, adding another person never makes things easier.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Exponentially more complicated. What it requires is a whole lot of planned calendar time for sitting around talking about your feelings. If you're not already good at calendar management and talking about your feelings.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“So here's the thing if you're interested in opening up your relationship, think about it this way when you're just by yourself, there's you and your feelings, and there's how you feel about your feelings. When there's two people, there's you and your feelings and how you feel about your feelings. There's person B, their feelings and how they feel about their feelings. And then there's how person A feels about person B's feelings and how person B feels about person A's feelings. Add person C with their feelings and how they feel about their feelings Now there's person A, their feelings and their feelings about their feelings, person B, their feelings about their feelings and their feelings person A's feelings about person B's feelings person B's feelings about person A's feelings person A's feelings about person C feelings person B's feelings about person C's feelings person C's feelings about person A's feelings person C's feelings about person B's feelings person A's feelings about person C's feelings about persons B feelings persons B feelings about persons A's feelings about person B's feelings you get where I'm going like it's”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Usually, when I'm asked this question, like at the end of a talk, it's in the context of our sex life is not going great, we're not connecting sexually with each other sort of at all. Should we just go have sex with other people? Like everything else in our relationship is fine. I had this two of my friends, two of my best friends, like took me out for drinks and were like everything else in our relationship is great. We're great co-parents. We like work at blah, blah, blah. Everything's great. It's just our sex life. We can't make that work. And I like gave them all the advice that there is to give and they got divorced three years later. And we're like, only then could be like, yeah, it wasn't just the sex. It's rarely just the sex. There's almost always some other underlying something or other.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“He needed that whole community around him and with him and loving him as intensely as a romantic partner with the physical affection and everything.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yes, this is an open polyamorous couple. They both have sex outside the marriage. They have relationships, full-blown relationships outside the marriage for decades. She is diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's and dies very slowly and painfully. And I can't imagine how my friend, the husband would have gotten through supporting his wife through her death without his other lovers.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yeah, there isn't any evidence about them being better or worse. They're just a different relationship structure. They work really well for some people. My favorite story about non-monogamy as a friend of mine who was non-monogamous all his 40 plus year marriage. And his wife with his”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And the partner's feelings about it are the place where this is different from all the other ways that we numb out and avoid coping with our feelings because there's lots of things we do in place of this, right? With varying degrees of health consequences, people eat to num out. People work to numb out. People exercise to avoid coping with their feelings, which might be like the least dangerous but can still be done in a maladaptive way. People just watch TV. People read to avoid their feelings. Like there's all kinds of things that we do. But because a partner's likely to have an opinion and an emotional reaction to the fact that what this person is choosing instead of me is that, that can get really destructive. And the fact that you're in a dynamic where you're not talking makes it not too promising that you're going to have a conversation about how you both feel about”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“For love and support, yeah, exactly. If you turn not to your partner, but away from your partner and just watch porn and numb out from those feelings instead, that's where you can develop an unhealthy relationship with porn Many people describe this as porn addiction. I'm not persuaded one way or the other about whether it technically is that, but mostly porn is moderately benign, but it's really bad sex education. I think that's the most common negative impact.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“So basically, if you're stressed, depressed, anxious, lonely, or experiencing repressed rage, we've all got it. And instead of like coping with your feelings, you go masturbate.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“God, so it's not good sex education. It's not. Harmful in a direct way. I think most of the harm from mainstream porn is actually done not to the people who watch it, but to performers who are coerced or not given free consent to make choices about what they do or don't do. There's a lot of really bad stuff that happens in the production of porn. A very small proportion of people, both men and women, boys and girls, find themselves using porn as a, the technical term is a maladaptive strategy to manage.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And what people's bodies are supposed to look like, including boys learning what their penises are supposed to look like.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And you're like, I guess that's what sex is. And the same goes for girls. Girls are learning how to perform. Men are also learning how to perform. Boys are learning what they're supposed to do. And that's the”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“But when you're a 12 year old, you're not like a media literate, really savvy viewer thinking about what made them choose that position and that shot, you're just like, that is a penis going directly into the vagina. Is this what it should look like? And my body is exploding. Right.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Boom, they get something I never could have gotten when I was 12 years old in 1989. So we don't know yet what impact it has had. I do know that porn is really bad sex education. It's like, this is my standard analogy, learning about sex from porn is like learning how to drive, watching NASCAR. Those are professionals on a closed course with a pit crew. Do not attempt. Like it doesn't show how sex actually works. And it's certainly mainstream porn in particular, like the kind you can get for free, reinforces a whole lot of norms about what people's bodies look like and how they behave and what pleasure looks like. They mostly show things that look interesting on camera, like the angles of people's legs spread really wide and like it's just so they can get the camera up in there and give the what I call meat and potatoes shot.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yeah, I graduated from college in'98, and I think of people 10 years younger than me as being the ones who, so if there are like 12 in 1998. And they're like On the internet”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Is that correct? A lot of research on this question because the people for whom this is true are still really young. Internet access to the porn was started in 98. Okay.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Usually, how we talk about it really doesn't cover the complexity of the contradictory messages. But whatever we're doing, we're doing it wrong. Our bodies are the wrong shape and size. Our experience of desire is wrong. We're not supposed to want sex at all. That's only for sluts. We're supposed to want sex all the time or else you're approved.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“All a set of rules to follow, and unfortunately a lot of the science for a very long time deeply misunderstood how sexuality actually works only in the last twenty, maybe thirty years has the science been drawing a more accurate and representative picture of how sexuality actually works physiologically and relationally for a long time up until early in the 20th century doctors were pretty sure that a woman having an orgasm was how she got pregnant. Doctors had been wrong for a really long time and yet these medical messages are there and we assume that they're right because they are the medical messages. So it's three different competing contradictory sets of messages. The whore Madonna contrast that is”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“It was absolutely to be a giver so that he can be satisfied, I should be really confident because men really love confidence in women. And so I learned to perform pleasure without learning how to experience pleasure. And then there's the medical messages, which especially you get these when you get the kind of education that's about like contraception and STIs and you see the pictures of genitals with enormous warts on them, which isn't something that physicians see almost ever. And you get taught that there's a sexual response cycle that starts with the desire, goes to arousal, plateau, orgasm in that order every time, and also healthy couples have simultaneous orgasms during penis and vagina sex. There's a sort of like structure of how you're doing it medically correctly.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“They'll pass it around and have everybody stick at one time on their desk and pass it to the next person and stick it to the desk and the next person and pass it. And then when they get back, see, this is what happens when you have sex multiple times is you're like not a sticky piece of tape anymore and who would want to be with this. Like you can use up and like dirty, sully, permanently damaged your sexuality by having sex with anybody who isn't like the person that you're going to be having sex with. So that's the moral message. Then there's the media message, which is exactly the opposite that you should be having 74 different kinds of orgasms. You should be able to deep throat. You should be having sex on a very regular basis. You should want sex all the time, ladies and you perform sex. This is the one that was really salient to me in my adolescence. I learned that men really like it when women enjoy.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yeah, the thing that girls deal with is that no matter what they're doing, they're doing it wrong. We were talking about the different messages. Like there's the moral messages we get from the religious institutions. And even if you don't personally believe them, there they are. Abstinence only until marriage, abstinence referring explicitly to penis in vagina sex, because that's what sex is. And people with penises and people in vaginas is what marriage is. Like that's it. The wonderful thing about the moral messages is that they're like, sex is a dangerous and disgusting, shameful sin that you should only share with someone you very much love. The moral messages are very much about purity and protecting yourself. Do you know the used tape analogy, abstinence only, sex educators in the United States will go into high schools and they'll roll a piece of tape with the sticky part on the outside.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Like, put your penises in any vagina that you can get it into and to have an opportunity to do something sexual and not want to. Like there's all these feelings of self-doubt as well as the relationship with the other human being. And that's a conversation that if you're two teenagers, try and have that conversation that's never going to be articulated.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yeah, and it can actually be worse for men and boys in some ways because they're taught that if there's any time that they don't want the sex or they don't like the sex, that they're actually a failure, they're supposed to be like ready to go all the time. They're supposed to want sex all the time. They're supposed to like all the sex that is available to them. And to say no is not simply. As it is for girls to like disappoint the other person and hurt their feelings, it is to fail as a man. It's a measure of your worth as a human on earth.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yeah, that's sad. So that's human giver syndrome. And part of what the shit that parents need to like get themselves through is renegotiating these gendered messages around bodily autonomy and what it truly means to give consent and what a woman's role is in the world, not just sexually but overall”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Only if this person, if this human giver is freed up from their role as a giver of satisfying needs and not being afraid of disappointing the other person and hurting their feelings and not giving them what they want, only when they're free of that role are they truly free to say, here's what I would like, how, what do you think about that? In her very dark but important book, Girls in Sex, Peggy Ornstein tells the story of a teenage girl who gave a boy a blowjob because he wanted to have sex and a blowjob was the way she figured she could get him out of her house without it escalating.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Person B receives the request, hey, I would like to give you some tea. Would you like to have some tea? Person B's role as a human giver is to make sure the human being is satisfied. And so they sort of feel morally obliged to say yes. Not just that, but suppose they're sitting there thinking, okay, so what are some of the things I want here? I want not to hurt this person's feelings. I want to tell my friends I had tea with this person. I want to see what this person's teacups are like. I want the milk and the sugar. But I don't want any actual tea. So, what does the person say Say yes, and what would it take for that person to say, you know what, no tea for me, but what I would really love is a cupful of milk and sugar and to watch you drink tea. How would that be?”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Don't force them to drink tea, right? And if you offer them tea and they say, sure, and then in the time it takes you to make the tea and bring it back, they change their mind and are like, actually no tea. Don't force them to drink tea. And if they have tea with you today, that doesn't mean they necessarily are required to have tea with you tomorrow or that they want to wake up the next morning with you pouring tea down their throat. And if they're unconscious, they definitely don't want tea, right? It's very simple, like we can all understand. But with sex, it's different because if person A is offering tea to person B, person A is a human being and person B is a human giver.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Like, if you, oh, it's great. You should link it and watch the video. It's a really beautiful sort of consent 101. We'll find those. Like you would, if you offer somebody tea and they say no.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“You're sitting on the bus with your headphones looking at people like, do they know? Oh my God, that is the thing to work on. Not just that sort of squick gross out thing, but also cultural messages particularly. What are they going to do? They're going to do with the human being wants to do because they have both been taught that the human being is the one who has the right to take whatever he wants and his pleasure is what matters and the giver's job is just to give the pleasure and do whatever it takes. So as much as I love like a yes means yes conversation about sex, like for example the Do you remember the T blog post and video about how consent is like tea?”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“So, like, I just have the generic most important thing when it comes to parents talking to their kids is that the parents address their own shit.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“These words get spoken elbow, fingers, vagina, penis, grotum, toes, ankles, patellar, tendon, like whatever. They're all just parts. And when you can react to them neutrally, what that communicates to your kid is, I'm safe to talk to you about these things. It's not dangerous or scary. If you want to talk about stuff, I am an okay person to talk to.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yeah, I was in the car with my mother. We were driving home from the library, so we must have just been at the library and I must have seen it in a book. And I asked my mom, what's vagina? And I don't remember the words she said, but I remember the flash of emotion that she experienced sitting there driving the car. So what I learned in that moment was whatever this vagina thing was, it was scary and shameful, and I should definitely never ask about it ever again. So I went home and looked it up in the medical encyclopedias that were in our house, which is how I got most of my sex education as a child. Yet when it comes to what families can do to promote sex positivity, making sure our kids have a happier, healthier sex life than you have, it has everything to do with that emotional reaction, like prepare yourself for using these words, the more comfortable and normal you can be when”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“So there's these two contrasting stories about how these two girls are going to grow up in their relationship with their own bodies. But then there's also how people feel when they hear me tell those stories. There are a lot of people who agree that it's nice that that little girl learned that her clitoris was a part of her body and that it was cute that she liked it, but they also have this unarticulable kind of like, no, there's got to be something dangerous and I don't know what's dangerous and wrong about it, but it feels somehow dangerous and wrong for a two-year-old to say her clitoris is her favorite. And this is a phenomenon called moral dumb founding, where you can't describe the ways that it's harmful or why it's wrong. You just have this sense that there's got to be something wrong with that.”
2019-09-17 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #66 Dr. Emily Nagoski: Pleasure is the Measure · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT