YouSaid · the spoken record

Jim Dethmer

lines on the record: 136
first: 2020-05-18
most recent: 2020-05-18
sittings or episodes: 1
sources: podcast

Every line below is reproduced as it was said and linked to the record it came from. Nothing here is summarised or generated. Directory · Search · Corrections

“Yeah, me too, Tim. Appreciated you from afar, like we joke the stuff that you're up to in life I'm not up to, but a lot of stuff you are up to, I got on board with because of you and our mutual friends. So I'm profoundly grateful for your willingness to keep risking. That's one of the stories I make up about you. You're willing to keep risking. Finding an edge, reinventing, stepping over the edge, making a mess, reconfiguring. That's not easy to do when you have, you know, as much at stake as it appears you do. So your willingness to do that over and over again has been of tremendous service to me personally and obviously countless other people, but I'm grateful that you're willing to do that, Tim.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“The relationship, and we try to suck approval control, security, and oneness out of the relationship. And of course, we all know where that goes. But if you come towards her as a relatively filled up person and say, hey, listen, I'm pretty damn filled up. And so I have energy to give to the relationship. And she comes the same way. Now it's not like two ticks on a dog. It's like two people dancing a dance that is quite powerful. And that's the difference between a co-dependent and a co-committed relationship, codependent two taxona dog. Co-committed, we're both committed to sourcing approval control, security, and oneness and aliveness and bringing that to the relationship. So, I would want to say that. That's an important piece of growing up, I think.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“So that simple one, I just go back to just sort the files. What's under your control, what isn't under your control, place your attention on what's under your control. So again, I come back to as people do this journey toward being more awake, alive, empowered human, part of it is doing practices that allow us to get a sense of approval control, security, and oneness or connection on the inside. Because then just take you. As you do that, Source that more and more from the inside, and then you come toward your girlfriend and she's sourcing it from the inside. Most relationships aren't that way. Most of us don't have enough of any of those. So we're like two ticks on a dog. And the relationship becomes...”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And literally money from the outside would be my security if I had money, then I was secure, but it could be safety from the outside. This is a big thing of what's coming up right now in our world. We are still sourcing safety on the outside. And therefore, we're terrified when our safety gets threatened. And control, you know, I say to people, we're all control freaks. We try to control everything that's another thing that's coming up right now is so much is in our face every day that is totally out of our control. And it's utterly terrifying.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Well, yes, yes. Although someday I might plug back into social media to see if I've stabilized approval on the inside, because that's the big idea. The big movement as we mature, just mature as human beings, let alone become more conscious, is can I start to source approval from the inside? Can I stabilize a sense of okayness on the inside? And now you can tell me you didn't like that, or I imagine there could be people who really don't like some of the stuff I've said today. And I can let you say what you say, believe what you believe, have the story you have, and not lose my shit. Because I'm stabilized in a sense of approval that comes from the inside. I'm not just talking about self-approval here. I'm actually talking about resting in a field of acceptance so it's stable. I was trying to get security from the outside.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“But I want to tie it back here. I like what Hale Doskin, the teacher of the Sedona method. Another, you can put that in your show notes, whatever you call those. One of the things I got from Hale was that our identities are always seeking for things, and I mentioned them, approval, control, security, and oneness. They're self-evident. What I was doing up until I was 43 years old is I was largely outsourcing approval, control, security, and oneness. So I would feel approved of when I gave a talk to, you know, thousands of people or large crowds. And afterwards, everybody would come up and say, that was great. That was great. That really helped me. That was meaningful. And then one person would say, I disagree with that. That wasn't your best talk. And because I was outsourcing approval, I would ruminate on that one comment for a day.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“With all that, and take all the time we need and the possibility is that it could someday be a tremendous service to you, to your family, to the world. That's kind of the way I tend to see life. One thing comes up for me. I mentioned it in passing.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yeah, two things come to mind. I just want to say, first of all, I'm grateful that the story that bears my name, this journey could be of service. Maybe to you in this moment, maybe to some others. I'm grateful for that. You know, that's part of the beauty of grace in a non-religious term, just grace that what I once called a cosmic fuckup. And by the way, I not only judge of myself that way, remember, I hadn't gotten the picture, so I had God judging me as a cosmic fuck up. Part of grace is that those things can be made of service. I think that's beautiful. I say that to leaders all the time when in the privacy of intimate conversations we're revealing what's really true and to say, you know, God, what you're wanting to hide and run from right now, we can be gentle.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“There were these little, we're up here in Northern Michigan, like I said, it's cold in your state where you stand outside, and Debbie looked down at the ground, and there was this little white flower coming through in Debbie's the garden. And she just got into her bliss space, you know, as the beginning of spring starts to come through the ground all the while there was the beginning. If nothing else is, I didn't have to pretend anymore. So many of us destroy our aliveness through pretending. I wasn't going to pretend and then slowly but surely life started to come back, including eventually getting back with Debbie and creating this great relationship. And I got a great relationship with my kids and I'm doing what I was put on the planet to do. And I'm still kind of a monkey. You know, I was joking with you like I don't do social media and I live kind of like a monk up here. And I'm still kind of that way. But it's just much more aliveness.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And often the descent to the ashes can be but doesn't have to be, I want to say it again, it doesn't have to be. And so this, you know, all this melting down, literally, I had no money. And because I felt so badly about what I'd done to my marriage, I said to my wife, I'll make all the money. I'll just take care of you. But I didn't know how to do that. I had to figure out how to turn being a minister into a way to make money. So I had to innovate, create, you know, and that became the beginning of a coaching practice and stuff like that. All the while.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I didn't get it right. And I had a relationship outside of my marriage. For some people, that's not a big deal. For me, that was a big deal. That was like, you know, right up there in the, you know, it's kind of in the big 10, you know. So physical dissolution, a sense of shame and failure. Looking at my daughter's eyes who was going into high school as a freshman in high school, when there's a front page article that says this big famous church in the community disavows her father. I feel tears in my eyes even now saying that it's got 25 years, 30 years ago. It was a mess him.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I came across David White's beautiful poem called, I think it's called Self-Portrait. And the opening line of the poem is, for me, this was very important. It doesn't interest me if there is one God or many gods. It doesn't interest me if there is one God or many gods. I want to know if you can feel. And then he makes this list, you know, heartbroken, chaos, melt into life. Well, I'd spent my whole life arguing, is there one God or many gods and versions of that argument? And it didn't matter to me. Now, part of the meltdown, like I love it, that you said I quit. There had to be more of the story. Well, if you double click on quit, it included losing 30 pounds. in a month incredible shame like i had this huge message of i fucked up”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Did and I wasn't living it, wasn't about my circumstances, it was about me. And I had tremendous dissatisfaction, pain, depression, angst, all kinds of stuff. Those two came together to produce a propulsion that was so meaningful I couldn't keep going. So I went to my friend and the guy who actually was the leader of the church and I said listen it's not that I think these things that I've believed aren't true. They just don't work.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Again, this is not original to us. I forget who we got it from, but we give credit there. And it's V times D plus FS greater than R equals C. All it means is this. In order to produce change, which is the C, something has to be greater than the resistance to change, which we all have. And the something that will produce change by overcoming the resistance is v times D. Vision times dissatisfaction. In other words, you got to multiplier. People change either because they've got a big, huge vision that they cannot realize from the current way they're living, or they've got pain. And usually it's a multiplier effect. So for me, the cumulative effect over years was that I still had a vision for peace and authentic relationship.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And once I got inside, now this is just about me. I'm not making a statement here about Christianity. But once I got onto the inside of my experience of Christianity, I found that we got more interested in being good than in being free and in being big than in being loving. Now those are all meaningful ways.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yeah, sure. So the dissatisfaction that was growing was growing over time. As I think these kinds of shifts, it is rarely truly sudden, usually there are the beginnings of it. And there were the beginnings of this. So again, if we go back to my big idea, I was driven by a desire for peace and I was driven by a desire for authentic relationship. And as I continued on both my professional journey and my spiritual journey, I wasn't seeing more peace. I was more famous, I was more successful, I was more impactful in many ways, but on the inside, I wasn't getting what I wanted. And I didn't know how to have an authentic relationship with my wife. I just didn't know. I was a complete goof.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Do they have any unsaids, any unkepts, any unowned, this is any place where they're still blaming somebody else rather than owning their life? And do they have any unfelt, any feelings they haven't felt? So in my work, I had to go back and feel feel feelings about my childhood. By the way, once you commit to do this, it can be done quite rapidly and quite efficiently. There are technologies for this that Once I was willing to feel things, say things, own things, and agree to things, integrity came back online. And I had serious integrity breaches. So that's another big one. What is your current integrity inventory? Because if you're going to build the life that gives you full aliveness, it's going to be rooted in integrity. And we could have a wonderful conversation around what all that means. But those would be three things I look at with people when they're...”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Do they have any unkeps? Do they have any agreements they haven't kept? Because any place where you've made an agreement and aren't keeping it, it's an integrity breach. And it's not a moral thing. It's just you're losing energy.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“What do I want? What do I really want? What am I willing to put at risk for my full aliveness? And then the third thing, and there are many, but the third thing we want to do an integrity inventory. Because we define integrity as just energy. It's just aliveness. It's not moral or ethical. It's just am I whole from the word integer? Am I whole? Am I energetically whole and alive? And integrity breaches are anything that interrupt my aliveness, my wholeness. So again, I got from Gay Hendrix the four pillars of integrity from gay and Katie. And so whenever I'm walking people through this, I want to have them check the four pillars. And those are, do they have any unsaids? So we've talked about candor.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“But I'm drawn back to some of the great understand people who understand parenting who say the number one gift we have to give to our children is our aliveness. So now you're in the paradox of I'm going to suboptimize my aliveness so that I can create some sense of safety and security for my kids. Again, I totally get it. But what my kids catch in the air or through the water is the suboptimized aliveness is the way to live life. So it's just a tension that I want to take somebody through. What are you going to do? And these conversations, what do I want? What do I really want? What am I willing to put at risk for my full aliveness? These occur both in meaningful, maximal ways when we're at the precipice of the descent of the ashes. But these are conversations, in my experience, that occur every day”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“and get to authentic community on the other side. By the way, here's what's wild. Once you get to authentic community, it feels so good. You start safeguarding it and start drifting back towards pseudo-community because you stop telling the truth. It never stops. Never stops with me and Deborah. It doesn't stop with me and my kids doesn't stop with me and our shared mutual friends. So a second question is, what are you willing to put at risk for your full lives? Are you willing to put your financial security at risk for full aliveness? Are you willing to put some relationships at risk? Are you willing to put your reputation at risk? Are you willing, what are you willing to put? And the corollary, of course, is what won't you put at risk for full aliveness? This is such a good question. Typically people who have kids will say, I won't put my kids' well-being at risk for full aliveness. I love that answer, first of all. I get it. Support it, live it.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“What pseudo community is where we are prioritizing niceness and civility over authenticity Got it. We're pretending rather than being real because we know that if we got authentic or we got real, things would get messy and we don't trust ourselves and each other enough to go through the mess.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And he's got this. He's got another one of these great models that I stole. You go from pseudo community, which all of us have. We tend to drift towards pseudo-community. Then we tell the truth, either intentionally, accidentally, skillfully, unskillfully. And then we go into the tunnel of chaos. And then if we value learning, we come out on the other side in authentic community. And in my experience in relationships, whether it's a high performing team at work or a group of teachers in an educational institution or community activists on the west side of Chicago, the tendency is to be in pseudo-community, which is where we're...”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Messiness. I'm willing to put my happiness and her happiness at risk for the moment. I'm willing to enter into what Scott Peck calls. I love this. The tunnel of chaos. Remember his model was great. You go from pseudo-community.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Well, first of all, it doesn't mean that you have to put it at risk. I just say if all of a sudden you decided that aliveness, because usually when people get to where I got to, their aliveness has been greatly stunted. I wasn't alive in my marriage. I didn't know how to be. I wasn't alive in my career. I wasn't alive in, there was modicums of aliveness. I looked alive, but I wasn't fully alive. So, what I've experienced over the years is, and this is true today now, I'm still in the question, what am I willing to put at risk for my full aliveness? So let's go back to candor so we don't introduce a whole lot of new threats. In my relationship with Debbie, I am committed to being fully alive and committed to having a fully alive relationship. What I'm willing to put at risk for that is temporary discomfort.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Very Isn't it true? Now, some people have a really active wanter and they terrorize their world with their narcissistic entitlement. I'm not talking about that. But a lot of people, if we go back to, they took on a role as a little kid, like I took on the role in my family of being the savior, the reliever of suffering, the all-white knight because of the shit show that was going on. Well, I took that role on and then I just developed a career based on the role. I never got to ask what do I really want? So people aren't free to ask what they really want because they took on a role or they took on obligation or they're living somebody else's dream. So when you get to this conversation, one of the great questions is, what do you want? What do you really want? Another question I ask people all the time, and this is another big question. What are you willing to put at risk for full aliveness?”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“parentheses most people aren't i say to them all the time your wanter got broken when you were a little kid so we got to get your water back online”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yeah. Okay, so there's a whole set of conversations I'd like to have. Let's just take a couple. One of them is in the process, I like to ask people, what do you want and what do you really want? Not as a casual question, but as a question for them to go sit in, not figure out. So again, Gain Katie used to teach us about wonder questions. Wonder questions are questions that are so big you live in the question. Figure it out questions are things you can figure out with the skill of your mind or by doing some Googling. So one of the things I like to do early on in the process is to say to somebody, I want you to go for a walk. I want you to go sit. I want you to just live in the question, what do I want? That's the first one. But the more important one is, what do I really want? If I were free to want what I want,”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Big idea of what I'm up to in my life. So I don't know whether that's exactly what you were looking for, but that's a little bit about what I mean by descent to the ashes.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“There are good divorces and bad divorces. Bad divorces are sourced in blame and criticism. There's innocent collateral damage and basically third parties get all your money. In good ending of relationship, there's not a lot of blame and criticism. There's responsibility where I get my learnings because I take responsibility. I'm not eviscerating my partner consciously or unconsciously in front of my children, so the collateral damage lessons. And we don't try to beat the shit out of each other through the court systems, therefore dissipating all of our money and energy. So there's ways to navigate these things. And I'm grateful, you know, I kind of, like I said, I blew my life up. I don't recommend that there are a lot of people who still need to blow their life up. And then how to put back together a life that aligns with the truth of who we are, which is a...”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Wasn't going to keep any secrets. I have private stuff in my life, but nothing that shame-based. So I say to people all the time, you can take this and put it on the front of the New York Times. It's just my story of the story that bears my name. So that was the descent to the ashes. And I say that of use to the people that are part of your tribe is a lot of people get to a point in their life where they go, this isn't working like this marriage isn't working or this family isn't working or this career isn't working or this identity isn't working. Now what do I do? And in my experience a lot of what I want to offer to the world is there are ways that we can reformat back to something that is more congruent and authentic, liberating and powerful without needing to blow up our lives or blow up. I talk to people all the time.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Relationship with Debbie while married became public to everybody. So here I am 43 years old a year prior to that I was a person with a phenomenal reputation and some amount of clout in the world and now I'm living in my office with nothing. Most of the men who had been working with us left for legitimate reason because I'd been out of integrity with them. So now my life is just descended down to nothing. And it was from there that I started to put a new life back together bit by bit by bit with a certain set of gating criteria like is this authentic. That's when I decided I would never keep another secret as long as I live. Now I differentiate. There's private stuff, but I kept lots of secrets as a minister in order to be good and fit in. I didn't tell all the truth about who I was. And so I decided.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Now, since I've walked a lot of people through this and I said, you don't have to burn the house down, you can course correct and you can do it gently, but I burnt the house down. So Debbie and I were in relationship. We stopped being in relationship. I told my entire world that I'd had a relationship with Debbie, including my wife and my kids. And then a few months later decided to end my marriage. So here's what the descent of the ashes look like. I moved out of my house, didn't have a lot of money, moved into my office. I was living in my office, counseling people during the day. And then at the same time, this church decided to publicly disavow. So it ends the culmination of this dissent of the ashes is a front-page article in my Chicago paper saying the name of the church disavows former minister. And it talks about what we were doing with these guys and the transformation that was occurring. And then the fact that I had had”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Wife while I was still in my marriage. That was a big decision. At that point, I only had sex with one person. And I thought the moment I get into relationship with Debbie, my life as I know it is over. Because my life had been about being a person of integrity and a good person and stuff like that. And this gets to the descent of the ashes. I had built a life largely constructed out of identities or personas that wasn't aligned with my true self.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I talks I'd given all over the world. And they got winded out in the woods, you know, we'd have men move their anger. So they'd yell shit hell damn fuck and they'd, you know, beat a bag. And we'd all talk about the shame that we carry in our body, things that were done to our body, you know, radical cutting-edge stuff, which I think was incredibly transformational for people. The church got into this and they said, you can't do that. And I hadn't gone there for several years, but this was kind of one path. Then on another path, I was in this relationship with my first wife that I had managed to royally screw up. We both did, but I take my 100% responsibility for creating a really marginal relationship and creating lots of suffering for me and for her. Well, one of the decisions I made was at that point I decided that I was going to enter into a relationship with Debbie, my current”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Journey to find, same thing, relief, peace, and what are relationships like. And that journey took me to some of these teachers that we're talking about. And then like I said, once I found these teachers, I came back and brought it to people. I'd become a private practice counselor at that point. And another friend of mine and I started men's groups, largely just doing, I was just giving to others what I needed for myself, men in midlife, figuring out what the hell does it mean to be a fully alive human. And so we started doing all the stuff that men would do. You know, we would go into the woods and we would, you know, beat drums and do all that stuff with the men's movement in the 70s and 80s, which I think there was a lot of beauty to that. It paralleled the women's movement. And it got messy. And this church that I've been a part of, which again was the largest church in the United States, was still selling tapes.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And fast forward all the way to 43 years old, a minister of the largest church in the United States. So, you know, talking to thousands of people a week in this complex system of a church. So now I'm right, SmackDab in the midst of midlife. And I realize that my life is not working. Now specifically, the faith that I had been devoted to. I wasn't casual about it. wasn't producing the results that it looked like it should produce love, joy, peace. Instead, I was getting further away from the things that I was seeking. So I quit. In that world, kind of near the pinnacle of my career path, if you will, I'd climb the ladder, right? Literally and found the ladder leaning against the wrong wall, so I quit. And I started this journey.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yeah, happily. So if I go back to, you know, I've always had this ache in my chest and I've always sought for a relationship. The first place I looked was to Christianity because I heard Jesus, whatever people think of Jesus, make this ridiculous claim that you could have peace that passes understanding. And then the version of Christianity that I got involved in had a simple, now I would say greatly oversimplified process by which you could do that. So for the first”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Take a breath and I go, This is okay. What can I learn from here? What could I play with? What could I do? So just a breath, shift into buy me, access IQ EQBQ. And then you and I start dancing and we go, well, we could do this, we could shift over to this platform. We don't need to be in reactivity. We don't need to be contracted in fear. Do me by me, through me, as me dancing all the time. So that's a model that I love, love, love. It seems to map really well to all of life, whatever the content is, whether it's the weather or the virus or the technology breaking down when you and I were talking, I can always ask myself, where am I? Am I in Tuggi, by me, through me, or ask me? And my context is under my control. The content never is.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“The whole deal. So those are the four states. To me, by me, through me as me. And in my experience, we go in and out of them all the time. So when you and I had technical difficulties partway through our call and you couldn't hear me, I immediately contracted into Tumi. Oh, shit. What did I do? I took my earphones out. I put them back in. I'm not very technically savvy. I fuck this up. Oh, God, what am I doing? I could hear you saying, Jim, I'm talking, but I can't hear you. I'm going, oh God, what do I do? What do I do? To me at the effect of me and the technology. Then I go, wait a minute, take a breath”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“So there's many things that those medicines are bringing to the world, you being an expert, a proponent of this, but just as a newbie, that's like an instant portal through to Asme, the good and the bad. The terror and the bliss, the, you know.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Medicine journeys, but you know, I've only done four as I talk to you once before. But, and I got involved because I, many reasons. But one of the things I had happened very quickly. Was the dissolution of a separate self and this experience of, oh my God, small G.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“My story, this is happening through me. This is wild shit. I'm just showing up. So we've all had that experience. And to me, that's when leaders start dancing there, it's incredible what comes forward into the world. And then the fourth state is ASMI. It's nonduality. It's oneness. It's the blurring of a personal self, even though there is a personal self. It's being fully human, but being in the dance of beingness. So now we move over into all the traditions, whether it's Buddhism or Hinduism or Islam or Christianity or non-religious spirituality. They all have a version of this idea of becoming one. You know, and now we could go back over into your world. I'm a baby in this world of”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“But every person who's passionate about surfing that I've ever talked to said, you know, they were getting really skilled. They could really master the principles. And then one day they forgot about all the principles. It was just them, their board, and the water. And they had an experience. And people, however they say this, that surfing was happening through me or musicians say, all of a sudden music was coming through me or, you know, people who innovate, they say that idea, I just kind of let go and something came through me. So everybody's got to feel for this. Sometimes, you know, it's kind of what flow state is like. You know, I'll never forget being in Chicago. Michael Jordan makes seven threes in a row or whatever, runs down the court, kind of throws up his hands, looks at the crowd, looks at the announcers like, even I'd argue, the greatest basketball player ever played arguable, but.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“You are at the effect of the forge. You're at the effect of balance. You're at the effect of the wind. You're at the effect of the waves, right? Your whole body is tense. You're rigid. You're efforting like crazy. Tumi is efforting like crazy. And when you fall off, you bitch moan and complain. The board's too long. The board's too heavy. Why did that win? Why did my teacher put me out? That's to me. Then somebody says, hey, you know, there are actually some principles that govern surfing. And if you learn those principles and start taking responsibility for applying those principles, you're going to start to see that you can become the creator of your own experience. And then you can spend weeks, months, years.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Who are creative energy, follow impulse, and be in kind of a dynamic dance with what shows up. And in my experience, that through me experience is unbelievably fun, synchronistic. You know, we have friends who are world-class athletes and some of them who've performed in many, many arenas. And oftentimes like if I'm talking to a snow skier or a surfer, they really relate to this. My surfing friends tell me this is true. When you first get on a board, you are very much into me.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“So when I get over here, I start to say, what does life want to do through me? And to many people, that's an absurd question. So I just say, Greg, don't ask that question. But there are countless people for whom that is an interesting question. You know, when you and I connected today before we started and we talked about what we wanted. And I think I said something like, I just want to be surrendered to what wants to come through us today. I'm certainly not a victim at the effect of what's happening here, even when we had technical difficulties. They were just occurring. We could learn. I could go into a creator and say, well, actually, I have a lot of things that I want to create with you, Tim, and be purposeful, intentional, wonderful way to live life, directive on point. But I actually like to play in the space of, I don't know, man. How about if we both just get into...”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And the third state of consciousness is through me. And this is, I think, a tremendously empowering way to live. Most people spend most of their time in Tumi. Then they start to become skilled at living life and they start to feel authorship and they start to stand in being the creator of their experience. And then it's not uncommon for them to say, is there something else going on in the world other than me and my purpose-driven life, my authorship of what I want in life? Is there anything else going on? And this leads to this question of, is there anything else going on besides me? Now, this starts to move us into the realm of things like possibly spirituality, but it doesn't have to be spiritual. A lot of people have a tremendous aversion to that word. It could just be Is life wanting to do something?”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“For how I'm going to be with this. And that goes from a meta pandemic all the way down to how I'm going to be with the weather. I could be at the effect of the weather or I could say the weather is what it is. I'm up here in northern Michigan. I know it's 27 degrees out. And I could say, wow, the weather is what it is and I can choose to be the creator of my experience with the weather. So the movement from to me to by me, the gateway is learning to take responsibility.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Longer seen myself as at the effect of now I'm seeing myself as responsible for and creator of my experience. Now that's really important. I'm the creator of my experience. So the virus is a real thing happening out there. That is a fact. You, more than any, could give us a list of all the facts. But my relationship to the virus, for example, am I living paralyzed in fear? Am I living in denial? My relationship to it is my responsibility. So I can either be at the effect of the current circumstances where most of us live, or I can say, wait a minute, I'm going to take responsibility.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT