YouSaid · the spoken record

Jim Dethmer

lines on the record: 136
first: 2020-05-18
most recent: 2020-05-18
sittings or episodes: 1
sources: podcast

Every line below is reproduced as it was said and linked to the record it came from. Nothing here is summarised or generated. Directory · Search · Corrections

“True. Let's just say that's true, okay? But now if I'm 65, 66 years old, and I'm still blaming my parents for my current state of being, now I'm into me in victim consciousness. So to me is it's happening to me. Real simple. And, you know, quite frankly, this is where most people live most of the time. turn on the news doesn't matter what news you turn on any news you're going to hear people speaking from to me they're doing it to me it's happening to me so that's to me then the next state of consciousness is by me well this is radically different if the first one is victimhood this is creatorship this is a state of empowerment this is a place where i'm no”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“It just means we're at the effect of life. We are at the effect of people, circumstances, and conditions. It's happening to me. So we're in victimhood or victim consciousness. And I always pause here and say in parentheses, there are true victims in the world. Let's just stipulate to that. But that's different than victim consciousness. So sometimes I'll talk about, you know, in my family of origin, you know, my mom was an alcoholic, my dad sexually abused my sister. My brother was a rageaholic, you know, kind of like most of us, kind of a batch crazy environment. Well, you know, as a little boy, there's a way in which I truly was at the infect of the environment. You could say I was a victim in the experience.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yeah, sure. So this model, I first heard from Michael Beckwith. We've taken it and changed it so he might not recognize it that much. But first time I heard this model, it made such sense to me. And he describes it as four states of consciousness, not stages. They're not developmental. You don't proceed from one to the other like you would from childhood to adolescence to adulthood. These are states. So we go in and out of them more like the dream state, the awake state, and the dreamless state. And they map pretty well. So we use them as context for context. For contexts that answer how are we being with the content of life. And the content can be whatever it is. So the first context is we're being with life from to me. Real simple.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Be wrong. Maybe I need to be right, but for God's sake, I can't be wrong. And then if you're going to be there and I'm going to be there, good luck for innovation, improvisation, creativity, let alone intimacy and closeness. So we're exploring right now in this conversation a different way to do that. And it really is predicated on, I'm more interested in something other than just being right. And that's a game changer.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I'm interested in being known and knowing you. I've said this so many couples over the years, you're more interested in being right than you are to being close. I've said to teams, executive teams, you're more interested in being right about your position than you are in being successful as a team. The addiction to being right, which is the little ego identities, it doesn't believe it can survive if it's not right. And when these little ego identities like yours and mine get locked into drama-based conflictual relationships, all that matters is the survival of the ego. That's it. That's all that matters. And the key to my ego surviving is I can't be wrong. I like the way you said that. I can't.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I have more and more questions. The line from Rumi came to me where he says there's a field beyond right and wrong. I will meet you there. And it sounds like your girlfriend is committed to something beyond right and wrong. By the way, that doesn't mean that the categories right and wrong are useless. We should throw them out and become absolute relativists. It doesn't mean that at all. It means that there is a place called Right and Wrong. There is. And we need to be there at times and have that conversation. But there's a field beyond that. And when she says to you, Tim, I'm making up the story in my mind that. She's saying to you, I'm interested in something other than needing to be right.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Practice deeply listening so the other person trusts you enough to reveal themselves. That's a short primer on candor. I'll pause there.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“For fear of being rejected, for fear of being criticized. The risk, and Deb and I have been practicing candor for decades against him, and there's almost always some edge of candor. Where I could reveal a thought or I could reveal a judgment. In our case, specifically about our children, because it's our second relationship, Debbie has four boys, I have two girls. Well, sometimes I have judgments about her boys. It's always risky to say to her, hey, I just want to tell you, I had a judgment coming up in me about so-and-so because she cares about her boys and she's irrationally involved in just like I am with my girls. Every time I practice vulnerability in candor in my intimate relationship, there's a modicum of fear that comes up. Because who knows how she's going to react? We do have decades now of practicing, so a pretty good chance that we'll work it through. So that's what candor is. Differentiate fact from story. Hold your story lightly. Reveal to the other for the sake of being known, not for proving your right.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And by the way, this kind of candor goes hand in hand with conscious listening. People always want to say, I want a more candid relationship with my partner. I say, great, before you start revealing, start listening. Start becoming a person to whom others will reveal themselves candidly because you see them and you hear them and you get them. Then as they feel safe to reveal themselves, you'll find that the relationship becomes more safe for you to reveal yourself. So candor and conscious listening go hand and glove. But again, it's a co-commitment, right? Debbie and I said we want to remove all barriers to closeness. One of the barriers to closeness is not revealing ourselves to each other. It's so easy to hide out.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And let's say I'm above the line and present, which I might not be. I might say something like this, hey, When I look over, it looks like you're upset. I'm making up the story that you're upset. And rather than get all scared and reactive to that, first thing I do is just want to tell you, I'm making up that story and I want to check it out with you. Are you upset? And by the way, when I make up the story that you're upset, I notice I get defensive. Furthermore, probably what I really get is scared because I don't want you to be pissed off at me. But I'm going to reveal myself to you, Debbie, not from being right. This act of candor is an act of incredible vulnerability. I'm going to let you know me. I say it all the time. I'm going to let you know what's going on on Planet Jim. My thoughts, beliefs, interpretations, wants, desires, so you can know me, not so that I can prove I'm right.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“So candor practicing conscious candor, first you differentiate fact from story. And then you reveal your stories holding them lightly. So from below the line, I want to be right about my stories and prove that I'm right because my ego identification believes it can only survive if it's right. So what that would look like is, you know, from below the line, I'd say, What are you upset about? I'm only 10 minutes late and I know I forgot the milk, but I was very busy. So now I'm revealing my story that she's upset in a reactive modality while holding tightly to my story that, A, she is upset at me, and B, she shouldn't be. That's truth telling. That's not what we're talking about at all. Candor, I differentiate fact from story. And here's what this might look like. I walk in the house.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Facts from stories. Facts are data. Facts are what is totally unarguable. Facts are that which all reasonable people would agree to. Facts, the facts of life. Stories are judgments, opinions, beliefs, interpretations that we make up about the facts. For example, That typical thing would be I walk in the house, Debbie's standing there. Fact, a video camera would record that the corners of her mouth are turned down slightly in what one could call a frown. That's a fact. Video camera would record it. Now my mind starts making up stories. Debbie's upset with me. I did something wrong. She's going to criticize me. And now I start reacting. To the stories, defending, justifying, explaining, reacting to the stories, even though the stories are all made up in my mind.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“quietly alone. That's another thing that's coming up here. So as you look at close relationships, whether it be with your parents or with your siblings or children, this idea of are we willing to be candid? Now I want to say something here, Tim, because people misunderstand this. They think that if I'm below the line, if we keep using that language, then people will say, I don't have a problem being candid. God, you ask anybody in my world. They'll tell you I'm candid. I tell it like it is. But what they're really saying is they're kind of living a scorched earth policy where they tell the truth all the time, but they're rigid and righteous about being attached to their truth. So we don't call that candor. What we call candor begins with the ability to differentiate.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yeah. Yeah. You know, just a quick aside, you know, shelter at home. If you're sheltering at home with somebody you don't like, somebody that you've been able to avoid difficult conversations with because you've both been consumed in the busyness of life, that in and of itself can be incredibly stressful. All of a sudden you're needing to face, feel, and deal with stuff that you haven't dealt with for months or years. So one of the opportunities that's coming up for many of us is can I face stuff in my primary relationships that I haven't faced? Another one that's coming up is, can I face the terror of being alone and confined, which was Blaise Pascal who said basically all the problems of humanity come from man's inability to sit.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Instead of freedom, taking responsibility for the other person's happiness rather than taking responsibility for our own happiness. And we just started to identify all the blockages to closeness. Again, largely influenced and coached by Gay and Katie Hendrix and others. So I'll pause there. Does that make sense?”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Gets addressed trying to say we're going to live from clear yeses and clear noes and from freedom and personal responsibility for our happiness is not the right conversation. You've got to go back to the core of what the relationship is built on and have what we call a commitment conversation. Like I said when Deb and I started, we said we're going to be close, which I don't recommend that for all couples, by the way. A lot of couples don't want to be close. They have a transactional relationship designed to allow them to get where they're going in the world. They don't want closeness. They want high functionality at a productivity level. But in our case, we wanted closeness. So we said we're going to be close and we're going to remove all barriers to closeness. Then we just started looking at what causes us to not be close. Well, one of them was starting to live from obligation.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Appreciating me and our relationship because she feels free to express herself. And that freedom is going to lead to generosity instead of entitlement, which is going to look like generosity of spirit because she's operating that way. It's going to be generosity of spirit towards me and towards our relationship. So I'm deconstructing from you got to first start with what are we commit to. This is what you and I talked about, Tim, when we were talking about this. If all of a sudden most of a person's relationships are built on obligation, if you all of a sudden say, well, I'm just going to lead from freedom and decide what I have a yes to and what I have a no to, that's going to probably cause a shit show in your relationship relationships because you haven't faced an address that underneath is this codependent enmeshment. And until that”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I want to know you. And we say all the time, you're not responsible for my happiness. If you tell me what you genuinely want and I unhappy myself, to your point, funny languaging there, she doesn't make me unhappy. I unhappy myself. That's my responsibility and I'll be responsible for that. What I want you to do is tell me what you really want, what you have a yes to and what you have a no to. And when she makes that decision from freedom, let's say she really believes me and she drops into herself and she feels free to say what it is she wants. That's going to lead. So freedom instead of obligation, that's going to lead instead to resentment. It's going to lead to appreciation. She's going to have a natural upwelling inside of herself appreciating herself.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“But then that subtle, toxic, hardening of my heart is going to occur. I'm going to get a little resentful, a little pissed off. Then that's going to lead to entitlement, which is going to look like this. You're going to show up at home and I'm going to go, listen, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to go out with my buddies on Friday night and we're going to party down and party hard. Underneath, subtext mean, I don't really give a damn what you think because I'm entitled to that because I watch the kids. So obligation leads to resentment, leads to entitlement. And that turns into a vicious cycle in a codependent relationship. In a co-committed relationship, I say to Debbie, listen, I don't ever want you in our relationship to do anything from obligation. I don't, first and foremost, I want you to tell me what you genuinely”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“That's exactly right because we weren't committed to having a real relationship. I was codependent and thought if I refuse, you're going to get upset and you're working so damn hard and you're taking that extra trip. So I'm going to live from should.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And Debbie commits to be responsible for her own happiness and well-being. Now what that leads to is a commitment to be honest and real about what we want and don't want. So you brought it up, Tim, but in a codependent relationship, the pattern is that people do things from obligation should have to duty. So let's say I stay home and I watch the kids out of obligation, not from freedom. And then after I've watched the kids for a while while you're staying for late meetings or traveling or whatever, now I feel resentful. So I didn't have a whole body yes to watching the kids. I did it out of obligation. I didn't feel”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Minimize your unhappiness, maximize your happiness. One of the ways is I'm not going to say what I really want, and I'm not going to say what I don't want. I'm not going to have a clear no, and I'm not going to have a clear yes. Because if I'm honest about my no and yes, there is a possibility you will be upset. And my job in a codependent relationship is to keep you from being upset, by the way, at the bottom of that is I'm keeping you from being upset because I'm going to get upset if you get upset with me. And that's the codependent enmeshment. In a co-committed relationship, this is a radical way to live in my experience, but profoundly meaningful, I commit to be responsible for my own happiness and well-being.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Let me just define it the way I want to give a particular definition to it based on what UFT up. So a codependent relationship is I'm going to take responsibility for your happiness and you're going to take responsibility for my happiness. And one of the, and I'm not going to take responsibility for my happiness, you're not going to take it for yours. We're going to take it for each other. So now I'm going to start to control your happiness. I'm going to feel responsible.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“As a means to creating intimacy, not just physical intimacy. And I like intimacy if you hyphenate it into me C. So we said, okay, we want to have a relationship where we remove barriers to closeness. And from years of working with couples and our own experience, one of the barriers to closeness is withholding and withdrawing and then projecting our stuff onto people. So we, instead, we're going to reveal. That was the big commitment. And you and I have talked. Anytime you commit to have an authentic, real, transparent relationship, you are committing to messiness. In our experience, the messiness is worth it, but it does lead to messiness. Now, one of the things we decided was that we weren't going to have a codependent relationship. And we were going to use”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yes. And how about if I do it in the context of my relationship with Debbie? So it's got a practical place where we're playing. All right. All right. Great. So the first thing that Debbie and I established early on in our relationship was a set of commitments that we wanted to engage each other in our relationship with. And these commitments become these 15 commitments, most of which we got from Gay and Katie and then a bunch of other people that we've referenced. So early on, one of the commitments we did is we said the big commitment was we commit to being close and to removing all barriers to closeness. That was a big cornerstone commitment. And then the other commitment, the other commitment that was germane to this is we commit to reveal and not conceal.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And from that place of above the line being with the content from curiosity and from responsibility instead of blame, they started to source all kinds of innovative ways to solve the shortflow of human resource and literally changed and solved it because they got done blaming, complaining, bitching moaning, and took responsibility because they were willing to see it as a learning opportunity.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“A practical business illustration. One of our coaches was working with a team and their manufacturer. They produced stuff and they were having very, very difficult time filling one shift. And as it would be typical in a situation like this, it's a problem. We need to fill the shift. We need to populate it with better workers. When they first go in, they're basically blaming people, circumstances, or conditions. That's what we're going to blame. They decided to shift and say, how could we each take responsibility for how we have created ourselves under resource? Now, that's a radical question. How have we created ourselves under resource so we can learn from it? Not so we can blame ourselves. And they spent several hours literally brainstorming all the ways that they had created themselves under resources.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And I can start to identify all kinds of people and circumstances and conditions that I could start to blame. Some of them are quite obvious. I could blame the current virus. I could blame the sheltering in place. I could blame the limited space that we have up here. I could just start blaming things. And then that's going to put me in a low learning state. If instead I say, wow, we're all not together right now. What could we learn from that and get genuinely curious? How have we created ourselves not together? How could not being together before us? What could we learn from not being together? What possibilities arise from not being physically together that wouldn't be possible? If we were physically together. So now I've moved from needing to blame people, circumstances, or conditions to getting”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Oh, I don't mind at all. So let me think of a situation going on in my life so I can just reveal it to you. Yeah, so a typical thing would be I look at what I'm currently complaining about. That'd be a place that I'd start. I just look at what am I currently complaining about. And one of the things that pops up for me right now is I'm complaining that all of our kids are not together. We're dispersed. A couple of kids are in Europe and then kids are in Chicago and kids are in Michigan. And it can look like a problem. It can look like a problem to be fixed, especially when I kind of take on my father hen energy, you know, and I want to get all the chickens back in the roost and get them under my protective cover. And when I get there, then I can start to look for who to blame that the circumstance is the way that it is.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“So there's a world of difference between those two approaches to life. One keeps us in a high learning state and one puts us in a low learning state. Whenever we're in blame and fault finding, we're not going to learn much when we're in radical responsibility, the possibility for learning is exponential, infinite, literally. Does that make sense, Tim?”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“There's no need to blame anybody or hold anybody accountable. So accountability to me is actually, the root is to take account for what went wrong. And I think it's actually counterproductive. I like radical responsibility. So instead of blaming somebody for what went wrong, what about if we take responsibility for what we can learn? And what if this is a possibility for us individually and in relationship and in the collective to learn? So once I can postulate something as a learning opportunity, the need to blame diminishes. Blame comes with something is screwed up and fault needs to be assigned, radical responsibility comes from there's a chance to learn. So how did we co-create this so we can get our learnings?”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“The shift is what if what is occurring is actually here for my and our learning. So before we go to the meta issue that's confronting all of us right now, you know, like if I'm working with a team and let's say they're in drama around, you know, something went down on one of their lines. And at first they're contracted, they're below the line, and they start finger pointing and blaming. Well, you screwed it up. I told you before that needed servicing or somebody else says, you screwed it up. You know, you didn't allocate enough funds. And then they turn it towards themselves. I screwed it up. But that's all predicated on. It's a bad thing that the line went down. And of course, in a very practical way, it is. I get that. But that just puts us in a low learning state. In a high learning state, what if we shift to?”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“In smaller micro communities we're placing blame on each other. And then we go back to blaming ourselves. I should have washed my hands one more time. I should have, you know, self-quarantined sooner. I should have stocked my pantry earlier. But you'll notice that blame is always a limiting contracting fault-finding energy. And it's always rooted in the need to be right. So the antidote to blame, and this is a big assumption, you know, this is a big deal. As long as I think something is fundamentally screwed up, my ego identity is going to look for who to blame.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“It's just natural and normal. Somebody screwed it up. The options, I'm going to blame you. I'm going to blame me or I'm going to blame them, you know, the system, the ones who kind of screwed it up for all of us. But all three of those are still keeping me in a contracted consciousness where I'm committed, and this is a key phrase, to being right that somebody screwed it up and needs to have done it differently. And when I am in that contracted consciousness of believing somebody screwed it up, I mean, you know, just look at the whirlwind right now. Did the Chinese screw it up? Did our government screw it up? They're them. They screwed it up. And now as it's getting more localized, now we're looking at all the ways that”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I love that question. So, you know, when you're working in relationship, people get pretty quickly that blaming others causes all kinds of drama. And so pretty quickly they can say, wow, I should begin to lessen the amount of blame. But then what they do is they still think the situation is a problem, whether it's in a parenting thing or in a relationship, a marriage, or at work. They still think the situation is a problem. And if I'm not going to blame you for screwing it up, then who am I going to blame? Well, one big option is to blame oneself.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Shouldn't be having the experience. If they were more mature, more enlightened, whatever they wouldn't have the experience. But that just causes us to become more reactive. So the second question of the four is, can you give yourself just a breath of acceptance? So that puts it in context. Then the third question is, are you willing to shift? And the shift here is are you willing to be with the same content's going to stay the same from above the line? And then the fourth question is, how are you going to shift? So that's our attempt to distill this process down to four simple questions”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Or security. I like the idea. I got this from Hale Dwaskin and the Sedona method. All of us have these three core wants, wanting to be approved of, liked, loved, valued, wanting control, and wanting security. So when we're below the line, we're experiencing a threat to one or multiple of those. So where am I below the line? And then, like we've said, the antidote to that threatened state is acceptance. Can you just accept yourself for being scared? It's such a simple question, and yet it's, first of all, it requires that you're willing to admit that you're triggered and reactive and in a threatened state. And then could you accept yourself? And kind of like what you alluded to earlier, a lot of people can't accept themselves for feeling what they're feeling. They think they shouldn't be scared or they shouldn't.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And often, you know, we say probably 80% of the time, maybe more, 90% of the time, most of us are belong. It's just a natural human tendency to scan the world, look for threat, and get reactive. But the question, where are you brings awareness? We step outside of ourselves and we say, ah, okay, I'm reactive right now. And then the second question is, can you accept yourself for being reactive? And it's just like we were saying before, usually when we're reactive, even though what might be showing up is anger or sadness or irritation or something like that underneath, we're scared and scared of losing one of the big three, usually approval, control.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“So, in this now moment, where are you? And the answer is either above the line or below the line. Again, above the line is present, available in a state of trust, below the line is in threat, contracted, just where are you? We call this the context question. How are you being with the content of your life? This is a big distinction. The content of life is whatever's occurring. You know, if you and I went out and had a beer together and just talked, we would talk about the content of our life. But we're committed to the idea that context is equally, if not more important. So where are you with the content? Where am I with the content of my daughter going to the hospital? Or where am I with the content of the virus today? Or where am I with the content of a technical glitch while talking to you? Where am I above or below the line?”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Okay, great. So, yeah, that's the second question of four. Again, our attempt to distill the technology down to something you could write on the back of a 3x5 card. So the first question is very simple. It's just, where are you?”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“For a long time, I put myself in that camp, someone who, like you for a long time, viewed emotions and feelings as at best a distraction and more often as a handicap or. Liability that if we could think our way out of our suffering, we would have done it by now if that is our That is our most overdeveloped and overused muscle. And that for me at least, the greater opportunity is to accept as many things as possible that this is the caveat that enable me and don't disable me. So this doesn't mean you simply become a piece of driftwood getting thrown around in the rapids of life. I've been crunching numbers.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“First is an insight, one of the more important insights that I've had over the last 10 years, which came in a non-ordinary state, which we may or may not get into. But it's not necessary to be an altered states to have this type of insight. And that was for me, it came as a simple statement. And the statement was you don't find peace through understanding, you find peace through acceptance. That can be, I'll repeat it and then I'm going to provide some context so you don't find peace through understanding. You find peace through acceptance. The context is number one. I think this applies to many people. It applies to me, and this was a personalized statement. It was in reference to me in my life, is that I think for people who are very thought dominant and have been sort of rational, logical, language, data-driven.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“So I'll pause there because, again, I've said a lot, Tim, and I imagine that brings up something for you or some point of clarification or a story how this shows up for you. It does. I don't want to even though, just despite the narcissistic name of my podcast, Tim Ferris show, I don't want to dominate the conversation, but it does bring a number of things to mind, I would say that”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“So, this is, I learned this from Gain Katie, and it changed my life. And it changed our marriage. You know, one of our commitments in our marriage is we commit to feel all of our feelings. And we say all of our feelings all the way through to completion. And we commit to support the other person to feel their feelings. So if Debbie's having a feeling, I don't say, oh, Deb, stop or I don't try to fix it. The first thing I do is I just breathe and I say, what feelings here? Where is it? Can we just be with it? I'll just sit with you while you feel you're feeling. By the way, this produces tremendous closeness and connection.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Release they don't cause us all kinds of somatic struggles the rest of our lives. They don't destroy relationships. And then once the fear has been, you know, released from the body, then we ask the emotion, like the purpose of fear is to teach us to pay attention or wake up. That's what fear does. So you just ask, wow, fear came into my body. What am I being invited to pay attention to? With anger, anger is inviting us to see that something isn't of service and it needs to be stopped. Anger is the energy of stop or boundaries. Sadness is something needs to be grieved or let go of.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Could I just give it attention and let it be? Like with fear, you know, the antidote to fear is acceptance. When my grandkids are scared, I don't say to them, hey, there's nothing to be scared about. Stop being scared. First thing I do, and I got this from Dan Siegel and his marvelous work, is I breathe. Then I sit and I get present with my grandchildren. And I say, oh, sweetie, you're scared. It's okay to be scared. Grandfather gets scared all the time. And by that act of acceptance and then just maybe, hey, could we just breathe together for a minute, you and me? Or if they're in anger, I might say, would you want to just beat a bag for a second? You know, take your little bat and hit a chair so you get it out of your body. And when feelings are met with acceptance, they just naturally”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And once it goes through, we're back into presence. And then the last step of emotional intelligence is ask the feeling, what's it here to show you? So again, real simple. What feeling is here? Name it. I feel scared. Where is it in the belly? What's it doing? Gurgling, roiling, pulsing, pumping, heating, twisting. Could I just allow it?”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Of moments, could you just allow the belly to gurgle? If it's anger, could you just allow the heat in your face? If it's sadness, could you just allow the pressure in the eyes, the tears? And that move of allow is what gets the energy releasing. When we repress or suppress feelings, they get stuck literally. They can get stuck for hours, days, months, years, repressed feelings can turn into moods and postures because we haven't let them flow through the body. These feelings are made to come online, course through our body. And if we were just like your dog or my grandchildren below the age of two, they just feel the feeling. And it goes through. Through in moments, at the most, a minute, minute and a half, it goes through.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“They're like there's nausea, they're boiling, roiling, contracting, heating, pulsing. Okay, great. So what's the feeling, fear? Where is it in my belly? What's happening? Then you say. Then the next question is, could you just place your attention on the sensations for a couple of moments? And this is a key, Tim. Because at this point, it's a kind of a subtle move to give the feeling presence. Because again, most of us don't have a healthy relationship with fear. So when fear comes up, we repress it, suppress it, or get paralyzed by it. Here we're just letting fear be. And you don't have to do this for very long, just for a couple.”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“First question What feeling is here fear Now, this is where it gets interesting. Where is the fear in the body? And I work with people all the time who know nothing about this, but it's just instinctual. They go, wow, it's in my belly. It's in the center of my chest, it's in my jaw. It's great. It's in my belly. So what's the feeling? Where is it? Then the next question is, what are the sensations doing?”
2020-05-18 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT