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Michaeleen Doucleff

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2024-06-25
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2024-06-25
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  1. “The Inuit, yes, a lot of them, yes, a lot of them, but I mean The more there were more traditional foods kind of made every day and eaten every day, but they had the Hatsabe, it was no technology. Very little westernized processed food. So it was very different. So I think the food is an interesting question because like these really control children and control us kind of in ways.”

    2024-06-25 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #197 Michaeleen Doucleff: The 4 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  2. “In the Maya community, in the Inuit community, which is just north of us right now in Canada. Was lots of technology. In lots of processed foods.”

    2024-06-25 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #197 Michaeleen Doucleff: The 4 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  3. “So that is another huge one, huge difference in art. This is one, I think, the most stressful things is like this feeling of what do you do with your time with your kids? Kids do not need to be entertained. They have not been entertained for like hundreds, thousands of years, 200,000 years. They do not need it. Like I say, like you can welcome them into your world and teach them how to be in your world. When they're in their world, Can be there tea for together, but you don't have to do anything.”

    2024-06-25 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #197 Michaeleen Doucleff: The 4 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  4. “She did want to play with me. I mean, especially if there was like. Other kids around or something. I would just say, no, I'm reading right now. Know, I mean, that's another thing is like most societies' parents don't play with children. At all, a baby's a little bit, but.”

    2024-06-25 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #197 Michaeleen Doucleff: The 4 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  5. “I tell parents, and this is kind of how I started it I would take Rosie to the beach. I would take her to an environment where she had a lot of autonomy. I know the beach doesn't sound like that to a lot of parents, but like I had taught her like not to go into the water. And then I would just sit there like hours and I would read and work and just let her live. And that was how I practiced it. You get the confidence that, like, oh, the kid, I don't need to interfere so much. And when I don't interfere, she does, she's so happy and she's, you know, I can work and I can do my life. And like, I think you just have to try it.”

    2024-06-25 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #197 Michaeleen Doucleff: The 4 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  6. “It's like, we think that good parenting, I thought the good parenting was maximal interference. Like I was always trying to figure out, okay, what do I tell Rosie next? Okay, I'm always looking out for like the next thing to say. And like one parent even told me, I forgot who it was, but she told me, sometimes I have to really hold myself back. Interfering to see if they can do it. You know, there's this like magic moment where you want to jump in, and that's when they're like, If they need your help, you jump in”

    2024-06-25 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #197 Michaeleen Doucleff: The 4 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  7. “Yeah, it kind of makes it all together. The M is like. Minimal interference. That's kind of a little bit what we're getting at.”

    2024-06-25 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #197 Michaeleen Doucleff: The 4 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  8. “Right, we have one little boy who he's 11, he's very smart, great reader, great math, but he cannot do anything that I don't tell him kind of the next step. We were just making Valentine's Day carts and then hanging them on a tree for the teacher. And he was literally standing there with the two pieces of yarn and was like, what do I do next? I was like, what do you think you do next? Took about five minutes for him to figure out that he needs to tie it and put it on the tree.”

    2024-06-25 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #197 Michaeleen Doucleff: The 4 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  9. “So we actually now have a little school. And so I love it because I get to say I tried these things on lots of kids, you know? Like as time has gone on, I've gotten more confident because I've tried them on all these kids at this little school we have. Like the questions work on every kid.”

    2024-06-25 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #197 Michaeleen Doucleff: The 4 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  10. “Okay, I got to interview this person. I got to send this email. I got to read this part. I got to write this part, right? And that's the skill that takes time. And so I would start, I don't know, I'm not trying to say your child doesn't have that. But If I felt like my child didn't have that, I would start trying to teach them that what do you have on your plate tonight? You know, what would you do next?”

    2024-06-25 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #197 Michaeleen Doucleff: The 4 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  11. “But it takes time. That's a skill. I mean, that's one of the things that I tell parents, like When you're managing your child, when you're kind of their personal assistant and you're managing their time, like block hour by hour, you're kind of doing them a disservice because you're not able to learn this skill of like, what do I do next? And you know, like at your job, like my job, I sit down in the morning, it's like, well, what do I do? That's a big part of the job is like.”

    2024-06-25 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #197 Michaeleen Doucleff: The 4 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  12. “Like, if they can't manage their time or they can't figure out okay, what's next? Because that's a skill. There's actually a study looking at this in Guadalajara. It's a fascinating study. It looks at parents that are more Westernized who manage the child's time. Okay, now you're doing dinner, now you're doing chores, now you're doing this, now you're doing that. And then more, a little more like team parenting, like my book. Where the children manage their own time. In the study, these are like nine ten year olds. In the study, they show that the kids that are in that kind of more flexible environment take initiation. They start their homework themselves.”

    2024-06-25 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #197 Michaeleen Doucleff: The 4 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  13. “Know and so that's why I'm like kind of like well where are they with it right because one of the one of the publishers said to me well I my child's 11 and I opened up the back door and said you're free now You have autonomy now and she just stood there. Yes, exactly. I'm telling you like chickens will just stand there too if they've been inside a cage. You know, she was like, but she didn't want autonomy. And I was like, well, she. She's loving. She's never had that. So she can't just like. Can't just tell her to go run and play outside after 11 years of not, right? So that's why I'm asking you where are they? But I think the idea is like don't do things for them. Like ever Ever. You don't need to, especially 1314. It's like.”

    2024-06-25 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #197 Michaeleen Doucleff: The 4 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  14. “I mean, I'm just really fascinating, right? Because we have this sense in our, this is another weird thing we do is that like we think, okay, they're at this age, they need to do this. Know, and I would ask parents, what age can they use a knife? And the parent would just be like, It depends on the child.”

    2024-06-25 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #197 Michaeleen Doucleff: The 4 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  15. “I think at 13 and 14, I would not help them structure their time. But if they don't have the ability, do you see what I'm saying?”

    2024-06-25 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #197 Michaeleen Doucleff: The 4 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  16. “I mean, autonomy is also like what does the child want to do that they can't because they feel afraid or they feel like they, you know, they can't do it because of parents or society or whatever and then helping them kind of achieve those goals.”

    2024-06-25 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #197 Michaeleen Doucleff: The 4 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  17. “Like the optics of it. We've like, she's on the bike now, and you know, she looks less, she looks more like she's in charge. There's a great organization called Let Grow. I don't know if you know about it, but it's all about empowering parents and children to have more autonomy. And they have these little licenses that you can print out that say like, I'm Rosie Ducl and my parents allow me to go to these places. And I'm allowed to talk to strangers. I'm talking to you right now. And like, so we printed that out for her. But it's hard, but it's worth it.”

    2024-06-25 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #197 Michaeleen Doucleff: The 4 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  18. “I think we're kind of probably in the minority right now, but like so Rosie's eight, she started going to the store. We live in right now, a 6,000 person town. You know, America, I don't know about Canada, but I bet it's the same as the safest it's ever been, like than when we were kids. And she's gotten pulled over by the cops twice. One time they brought her home in the back of the car. So, I mean, we've gotten pushed. There's absolutely a huge pushback. I've had to just be like, this is what we value. You know, my husband and I sat down. We like, what do we do? You know, we've thought about going to the police. So we dealt with the police and we told them like, and the police actually admitted like it's she's fine. Yeah, you know. It's the neighbors that we're calling, you know, and so we've also made her look.”

    2024-06-25 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #197 Michaeleen Doucleff: The 4 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  19. “Oh no It's not just your feeling. There's huge data on this. And one David Lancey, one of the anthropologists that I cite a lot in the book, calls it like the shrink-wrapping of children where we're just so afraid of their safety.”

    2024-06-25 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #197 Michaeleen Doucleff: The 4 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  20. “Oh, for some children, some children appear fine with it, right? They just kind of go. I call them like turtles. They kind of go down into a little shell and kind of, okay, you know, in some children, it's horrible. When I was writing the book and Rosie and I's relationship was really changing, if we were in a hard time and we were arguing a lot, I would do this. I would put my stopwatch on my phone and I would say, okay, I'm going to be quiet. I'm not going to, I can give her physical input, right? Like you're talking about more subtle, like some eye movement, some I can move her, you know, if she's doing something bad, I can take something, right? I can do physical things, but I can't no talking to her. And it was amazing, Shane, how quickly that improves our relationship.”

    2024-06-25 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #197 Michaeleen Doucleff: The 4 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  21. “Don't do this, say this, say thank you. Like, I mean, you can just see it. Like, it's just a constant praise because it is a form of like kind of manipulating their behavior, right?”

    2024-06-25 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #197 Michaeleen Doucleff: The 4 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  22. “The best way to figure it out is to put your stopwatch on when you're with a child in the morning at the grocery store just somewhere and give no commands to the child, no verbal instruction to the child for 20 minutes. See if you can do it. I mean, because scientists have done this analysis, I did this analysis in different communities and like in places where children have autonomy, parents give children like two to three verbal inputs in an hour. And I've done it on myself. I've done it with parents in San Francisco. And we were talking about like 120 verbal inputs per hour, just a constant stream.”

    2024-06-25 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #197 Michaeleen Doucleff: The 4 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  23. “Exactly. Like it wasn't that long ago in Western society that we had it. The evolutionary perspective kind of says that we need it. You know, and then there's this data that shows that kids that don't have it are more anxious, more prone to depression. And there's just tons of data that's like, we need autonomy. Children need autonomy. But I think parents don't know what it looks like.”

    2024-06-25 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #197 Michaeleen Doucleff: The 4 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  24. “Yeah, this one's huge. If you could just change one thing in your child's life, that would be to give them two hours, an hour, a week of autonomy. If you look at hunter-gatherer communities around the world, so, you know, humans spent 200,000 years as hunter-gatherers. That's where our brains evolved. That's where we evolved, right? In this context. And so looking at hunter-gatherer communities around the world offers some clues kind of to how the conditions in which we're involved in. It doesn't say it exactly, but kind of gives you some clues. And if you look in lots of different continents, children have enormous amounts of autonomy. In these communities, which implies that's how the child evolved, right? The child's brain evolved.”

    2024-06-25 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #197 Michaeleen Doucleff: The 4 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  25. “Having them be part of your life and contribute in it. I mean, you know, as a person who works that you feel good and motivated when you. Help and you do something and you accomplish something, and that I mean, there's tons of data in psychology to support that's what motivates kids, not when somebody goes on and on about. Oh my god, amazing”

    2024-06-25 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #197 Michaeleen Doucleff: The 4 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  26. “Maybe it was the 80s. There was this whole push from the California government. There was this idea that like. Reason why kids started to use drugs and misbehave is because they had poor self-esteem and that the way to help kids was to have was to praise them. That gives them good self-esteem. But there was the data don't support it at all. There was no data. It's just, again, like these myths that kind of bubble up. But you don't need to do it. I mean, I think I come from a privileged position in the sense that I've seen many, many families not praised children in like the kids are like amazing and have enormous amounts of confidence and self-esteem. So it's like it's just not required. I think what's more important and what motivates kids, and there's a lot of data to support this, motivates kids is having them actually contribute to your life.”

    2024-06-25 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #197 Michaeleen Doucleff: The 4 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  27. “I mean, I don't think psychologists know. And I think that's one of the problems. I think this over the top praise that you're talking about, I don't think kids know it's fake. And in some ways, it's manipulative. I think the problem is we don't know. We don't know how much praise helps kids because it's an experiment. It's brand new.”

    2024-06-25 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #197 Michaeleen Doucleff: The 4 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  28. “Yeah, or like a pat on the shoulder, or one of the moms said I would hug the child, you know, to thank them. But praise really just came about in the last like 30 years. Like, I'm 47. And like my mom was really into praise and my dad wasn't. So I'm kind of right at the generation where the praise kind of, and there's this whole backstory to it about why it happened. But praise is a tricky beast. Praise can motivate children, but it can also demotivate. It depends on how it's done, what context it is, the child. Does the praise actually kind of fit with what you're doing? And I mean, we have this sense that all praise is good and it's not. I tell parents, like, you can just stop.”

    2024-06-25 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #197 Michaeleen Doucleff: The 4 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  29. “I think that there is some that's more subtle. Like, you think the parent's not doing anything, but then you look and there is like these subtle signals that are happening, which also speaks to the fact that we could be a lot more subtle with children, you know.”

    2024-06-25 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #197 Michaeleen Doucleff: The 4 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  30. “So, praising is a really interesting topic that's very unique in Western society. You don't in my entire travels, I've never seen a parent praise a child. Like it's not necessary.”

    2024-06-25 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #197 Michaeleen Doucleff: The 4 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  31. “Mean we use them as entertainment. One of the scientists I talked to, because again, parents are very like I was like, this is too scary, you know. But then one of the scientists I was talking to said, yeah, but look at a Disney movie. His waist scarier, like, you know, than, you know, because also I'm there. I can see the point is not to scare her to death.”

    2024-06-25 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #197 Michaeleen Doucleff: The 4 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  32. “Of a wink, an eye, like the kid kind of knows it's a story. She likes slammed the refrigerator door and was like looked at me, and she was like, tell me more, mama. Tell me more about this monster. And she was, I think, three and a half at the time, three. And it like changed our whole relationship. We just started using stories for everything because the way we could communicate. Her. Like, we weren't communicating with her otherwise. Oh, we had so many stories. And, like, when she's, now she's eight and like around six or seven, she kind of knew the stories were fake and she kind of didn't want to hear them for a while. And then she wanted to again. Like it was like, because even as an adult, you like stories”

    2024-06-25 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #197 Michaeleen Doucleff: The 4 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  33. “Yes, so when I first traveled up to the Arctic, the moms would tell me these stories, like to get kids to wear their hats in the winter because they would get frostbite on their ears and they would tell them that like if they didn't, like that their heads would get chopped off and the northern lights would use their heads as soccer balls, all these very kind of scary stories. And I was like, no, I'm never doing that. That's one of the things readers write into me about, like one of the things they're like, I could never do this, you know. And then when I got back, Rosie had the refrigerator door open and I was sitting there, close the refrigerator door, you know, just kind of nagging her, which is a big tool we use, right? Over and over again. And then I was like trying logic. You know, the electricity. And I was very frustrated with her. And then I turned her and I said, there's a monster in that refrigerator. And when he warms up, he's coming. Oh my gosh, he's coming out. And I kind of made it very dramatic and kind of fun. And like these stories are often kind of.”

    2024-06-25 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #197 Michaeleen Doucleff: The 4 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  34. “No, it's, and that's what the parents do. It's like, I mean, I think if Rosie was throwing rockstack kids, then it would be different. But it's like if you really stop and look at most of the situations, you don't need.”

    2024-06-25 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #197 Michaeleen Doucleff: The 4 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  35. “Comes over and says, You're going to hurt somebody with those rocks. Rosie kind of sat there and like looked and then dropped the rocks.”

    2024-06-25 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #197 Michaeleen Doucleff: The 4 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  36. “It's clearly about me. Are they singing songs that had stories in them for children? And so this is a way of like putting the ideas into the child's mind in a way that one, they can really understand because they don't young children don't understand logic, but also like a way of like, again, they're going to figure it out through these stories. So that's a huge one for younger children. Even pre-children, there's all these ways of like asking questions. telling them consequences, kind of these little puzzles that you set up for them. Another big one is the environment, like just setting up the environment so they can't get themselves in trouble or they're less likely to, I mean, the list goes on and on. I mean, there's some beautiful examples. Like when we were up in the Arctic, Rosie was kind of like throwing these rocks up in the air like this and the little nine-year-old Rosie was three at the time and the little nine-year-old.”

    2024-06-25 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #197 Michaeleen Doucleff: The 4 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  37. “So, one of the amazing tools with smaller children is stories. Like, we are, there's good evidence that humans are really made to learn through story. And when we were actually with the Hadzabe, this hunter-gatherer community in Tanzania, they were using stories to teach me the rules. So when we got to the camp, they didn't just list off, you know, very like American be like, here are the rules. And like, you know, like, this is what you can do and you can't do. No, around the fire, they would tell these stories. And some of them were about where you went to the bathroom, and they would say things like, This isn't about you, though.”

    2024-06-25 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #197 Michaeleen Doucleff: The 4 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  38. “This is the long game, but I'm going to use all these tools I have in my toolbox to get you to learn, to figure out what the right thing is, to learn to think. When I went traveling, I knew there were like tools that cultures use to get children to figure things out instead of just telling them what to do. But I had no clue how many there were. There's so many. It's amazing. And they're very subtle, but they can really change like the whole dynamic between the parent and the child. What the E does, the encouragement is it gets the child to feel like I'm making decisions for myself. I'm in charge of my life. You know, my mom has confidence that I can do it. And so there's this ease that starts to happen with the parent and the child.”

    2024-06-25 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #197 Michaeleen Doucleff: The 4 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  39. “You're the authority, right? And that's kind of just set. But E is a different way. E is we're going to encourage children to do the right thing. And really, we're going to get them to figure out what the right thing is themselves. And every time you try to control a child, you create conflict, you risk creating conflict because either the child's going to get mad because they don't want to be told what to do or you're going to get mad because they're not doing it, right? And so another way of doing it is like, okay. I'm going to guide you. I'm going to encourage you to do the right thing. And you know what? It's okay if like nine sometimes you don't”

    2024-06-25 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #197 Michaeleen Doucleff: The 4 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  40. “So E is this idea that, like, A lot of the Western relationship, parent child relationship is based on control, that the parent tells the child what to do, and they're supposed to listen because they're the child.”

    2024-06-25 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #197 Michaeleen Doucleff: The 4 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  41. “I don't think it's as hard as we think it is. But again, I think you have to change your view of the child, right? You have to, instead of just saying, oh, he doesn't want to help. He never helps. He's never going to help. Don't ask, right? Can you imagine, right? If Sony said that at work, don't ask him. He's never, he's no good at this. Like, how bad that would make you feel, right? So it's like actually starting to see There's a little flame inside the child that actually really does want to help. I think you can turn it around.”

    2024-06-25 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #197 Michaeleen Doucleff: The 4 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  42. “Know like you've pushed me away for six years. Why would I help you now? And there's data that show that that's kind of what happens that kids. They learn their place in the home. Is my place playing and watching video games, watching TV? Is my place like helping with dinner, helping with the laundry, helping.”

    2024-06-25 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #197 Michaeleen Doucleff: The 4 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  43. “And we have this huge desire to help starting off just really from day one in many, many parts of the world, parents immediately say, yes, come help and keep the child there and have the child at least watch or give the child a very small task to do. And so that's really the tea. Never turn down a child's request to help. Like when I was getting ready for this podcast, like Rosie wanted to do my hair. She wanted to do my makeup. And it was like, yes. My job as a parent I see is to find a way that she can actually help. And the Mya families have some saying about it. Like it's your job to find the purpose in the child's life, to find the opportunities for the child to have purpose. Don't push them away because if you keep pushing them away, by the time they're seven or eight and they actually can start kind of helping, they're not stupid. They're like, that's not my job.”

    2024-06-25 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #197 Michaeleen Doucleff: The 4 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  44. “And my mom says something like, I get kind of mad because she's making a mess, right? Starts off kind of similar. And then she says, But I'm really excited that she wants to help with the laundry. And so the Maya mom sees the little toddler's mess as this like sign of interest in helping. It's a very different view of the child, right? It's a very pro-social view. And then she says, so I start teaching her how to do the laundry. And one of the moms even says that the little girl's like sometimes balls up the laundry, and she says, I can see she's trying to fold it, right? Whereas where I would just say she's balling up the laundry and making a ball, right? The other view is that she wants to help.”

    2024-06-25 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #197 Michaeleen Doucleff: The 4 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  45. “So, the first thing tea is like this idea of together that humans, Homo sapiens are these incredibly social creatures. That's what separates us from like other homo species is that we are social. And not only that do we want to be with people, we want to help people. And children are born wanting to help. Everyone knows us in our society. And so the first thing is really is let your children help you, even when they can't do it, right? So we have this, there's studies that show this, like American parents are asked this question of like, you're doing the laundry and you're a little two-year-old comes over and starts throwing the clothes like all over the place. Like, what do you do? And the American mom says something, the European American mom says something like, I get mad because she's making a mess. And I tell her to go play, right? Or I tell her to go watch cartoons, right? And then they ask the same question to Amaya mom.”

    2024-06-25 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #197 Michaeleen Doucleff: The 4 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  46. “I'm a reporter, and I spent 13, 12 years at NPR covering mostly viruses. And they would send me around the world. And I started to notice while I was traveling that parents didn't seem to have the same struggles as we did. You know, there were clearly struggles. There's struggles everywhere. I don't want to romanticize it. But what was really surprising to me and why I went on this journey to like learn this other way of parenting was when I came back to San Francisco and I tried some of these techniques and methods because that's really what they are. They worked like amazing on my little girl in urban San Francisco. It really surprised me how quickly our relationship improved. She was like two at the time when I really started to try this.”

    2024-06-25 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #197 Michaeleen Doucleff: The 4 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  47. “You'd have a lot more kids and you'd have a lot less stress, right? You know, when I was traveling with Rosie, my little girl, we were in Tanzania and we were with these women. They had the little ones, the babies and the toddlers, because the other ones were at school. And it was a group of like six women, and they would spend all day long together helping each other with the toddlers and the babies all day long. I'm talking like 10, 12 hours a day. It was amazing, right? From the standpoint of like social support, right? And then I got back home and it was just me like in this condo with a kid and it was it was the difference was so stark.”

    2024-06-25 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #197 Michaeleen Doucleff: The 4 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  48. “That's right, and it's funny because I always say it doesn't take a village, it takes like five extra people, like, you know, because if you look in some societies, so they're called aloe parents, this is what scientists call them. They're people in children's lives that are just as close to the child and just as important to the child as the mother and the father, their other parents, basically. And if you look in most societies, children have like four or five of these very close. In some societies, they have like 12 or 15, but they're not very close. But there's amazing studies in some societies where like a baby, they'll track like how many times a baby is passed around to a different person in like an hour or two hours and it's like something like 10 or 11 people in like an hour, like just regularly. Think about that. Like when you had your kids, like if you had 10 people constantly helping you hold the baby, feed the baby like.”

    2024-06-25 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #197 Michaeleen Doucleff: The 4 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  49. “Professor at Harvard has tracked down the rise of the nuclear family, correlates with how long ago the Catholic Church was brought into a society. And so Europe is the longest and you see this very strong nuclear family and then other parts of the world, you know, it's been introduced more recently and you still see intergenerational living and these big family units. But it's not the only factor, I think. Lots of other things have come about to kind of support the creation of the nuclear family and the reduction of the people in our lives raising children.”

    2024-06-25 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #197 Michaeleen Doucleff: The 4 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  50. “As a mom, I would have clearly an older sibling. I'd have an aunt, an uncle, I'd have a cousin, I'd have this, all these people that are like helping me. And I would be watching as I grew up other children being raised, right? That's a big element too, right? Like by the time I was 16, I probably had seen like five children get raised from somebody in this big group, right? And so that's, I mean, if you look around the world, that's how people learned a parent. That's how this skill, the craft is like passed down through watching and then when you have your own teaching. But if you live, if you squash down the family into like mother and father only, and you're right, one parent is out of the home a lot, or two parents are out of the home, then you've no longer have, you no longer watch people being raised. Maybe you get one kid, one sibling, right? And then you don't have any helpers.”

    2024-06-25 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · #197 Michaeleen Doucleff: The 4 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT