YouSaid · the spoken record

Shannon Curry

lines on the record: 113
first: 2023-03-21
most recent: 2023-03-21
sittings or episodes: 1
sources: podcast

Every line below is reproduced as it was said and linked to the record it came from. Nothing here is summarised or generated. Directory · Search · Corrections

“In the Depp Heard trial I was serving as an expert witness based on a psychological evaluation of one of the parties. So forensic psychologists can serve the court or in legal matters in a number of ways they can act as a confidential consultant for an attorney on a case or they can, even assist with jury selection, they might testify without doing an evaluation if they're just coming in to testify about sort of a subject matter. And then they wouldn't be answering specific questions to either the parties, but just talking more hypothetically about a field area. In this case, I evaluated one of the parties and then you provide a report to the court with your findings and then you testify as to what your findings were.”
2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“I think it does, and it's a little scary though, because I know what fear does cognitively and there is a sweet spot where you want some stress and then you can be really acutely focused and attuned. But then if you go over this threshold, you get sort of that frontal lobe shut down where you're not thinking clearly. And everybody knows that experience from taking a really stressful test at some point, like in high school. And then they're going over the answers with the teacher in class later and they're like, how did I miss that question? I know that. You're just in a different state. That's when you have too much stress. I think this day I actually was bordering on too much stress, if not clearly in that threshold. But once you're sitting there for a little bit and you're asked the questions, you can kind of go into a routine of just wanting to talk about your work.”
2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“I was pretty unhinged that morning and in a way that was really unfamiliar to me. And it was right when I cried because I couldn't find my bobby pins that I realized I needed to get a grip and that I was a professional and that my hair didn't matter even though it ended up mattering. People noticed that it was crazy. But I got a grip and I went in and I just did my job.”
2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Not scared typically isn't the word when I testify. I'm always excited and a little trepidatious before I testify because the stakes are so high for everybody's life in that room. This was different. Anxiety isn't usually my brand. And I just skipped anxiety that Maureen went straight to terror and I was mad. I was mad at the legal. I was funny. Like I was having all these strong emotions. I couldn't find my bobby pins. I almost started crying because I couldn't find them.”
2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Couples who are trying it out, like for the first time, it tends to get a little haywire. There's some excitement in the beginning. Everybody's really excited about it. I think the philosophy makes sense to a lot of people. The science of it makes sense to a lot of people. But we have been raised in a society that is pretty monogamous. So there isn't a lot of scaffolding around it. And there's a lot of inner conflict, I think, for people to go away from the values that they've been taught since they were kids. And so jealousy arises a lot. And also it's very difficult to be, I think, as truthful and direct as you need to be, which you're describing in these polyamorous situations where everybody, it's laid out on the table. So I think that's something that may be practiced in my own work with clients. I've just noticed that the...”
2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“You know, I think that may have been actually what was behind my question about the satisfaction with them being on the extremes. My hypothesis essentially was, is it because if you are really all in, you've worked out some of the kinks. I think I've seen”
2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Yeah, like, should I sit my dad down right now and be like, Dad, your dementia, like you have dementia again today. I'm going to tell you, dad, you're not making sense. No, it's not going to be discussed. We're going to make it comfortable. And I mean, yeah, I think truth can be a little bit of a platitude sometimes.”
2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“And also conceptually, I betually, I don't think we actually know where we stand until we're faced with a situation like that.”
2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“I absolutely see his point. And his, I think, is like a very humble sort of option. Like you don't get to choose what's better. You just need to give them the information and they can choose. But I think, I don't know, I think it's kinder to cause your conscience more discomfort to hold it. And I think there's sort of a cleansing we do when we share that information. I think in real life, most people disclose it because they can't stand the secret anymore themselves. That to me is a selfish act.”
2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“I think everybody has different. So, I think that's a value-based decision because to me, the hierarchy is kindness and do no further harm. Over in that case, over truth, right? Whereas other people, you know, my husband, for instance, he is like truth above all else. You don't get to decide what I know or, you know, you don't get to decide whether or not I can handle that knowledge. So he would even see my determination, you know, that I should carry the burden sort of arrogant. Like, well, why don't you let your partner decide whether or not they, you know, why do you get to choose? I don't know. I think there's value to both arguments. I absolutely see his point.”
2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Especially if you truly mean to stop it, right? So if it is a one and done or if it happened and you've stopped it and you do not intend to do it again, frankly, I think you live with that burden. You live with that discomfort.”
2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“I think it's actually selfish to unload it on somebody else and give them the trauma of imagining what we do know about infidelity is that it can create an actual post-traumatic stress-like experience for the betrayed partner where they are having intrusive thoughts about it. Those are unwanted thoughts and it's uncontrolled. It comes in multiple times a day. They'll have depressed mood. They'll have nightmares about it. Their entire sense of security, safety, self-esteem gets shattered because of your actions. I think it's kind of moralistic and naive to think, well, they deserve to know the truth. If you actually know the harm that that sort of betrayal does.”
2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“I have my own personal beliefs. I also then have my therapeutic beliefs. I think, frankly, and this is just me as a human being, not Shannon, the psychologist. I believe that if you have fucked up and I, again, I'm coming from a framework right now of monogamy, if you are committed to somebody you love and you have fucked up, you don't get to shed your guilt onto them. You need to carry that burden. It's not necessarily, I think it's simplistic and unsophisticated to be like, but then you're being dishonest.”
2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“For everyone. And then also is honesty harmful or helpful at certain points, too. So you're talking about sort of like disclosing prior sexual history. I thought you were going to go to, so if you've had an affair. Do you keep that under your”
2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“There's a million ways to answer for that. It can be a cesspool in my mind if I'm in a bad place or my partner and I am like if Tya and I haven't been connected lately my honesty of what I actually think about him would be”
2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Right, but we can't even talk about it like that, right? So Nobody is going to admit that the fair is happening. There can't be any evidence of it. It's sort of a just look the other way type of a situation. But the partner who is not having the affair, right? They typically know. They certainly know that their partner is capable of that. They just kind of know, but they don't want it in their face. It would become a problem if it was in their face. Long as certain needs are met and everything else is okay at home, it's just one of those things where don't ask, don't tell.”
2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“It's different for everybody, but I mean, even earlier I was saying with adventurousness, like if monogamy is something you're doing, I've seen in my own practice, I've seen the entire range of couples who are open about having sexual relationships with other people and fine with it. couples who want to be fine with it but find out they're not couples who aren't just couples, couples with multiple people, you know, multiple romantic relationships. I've had couples where affairs are tolerated and not talked about. They're not enjoyed, but they are not the type of betrayal that will destroy the relationship. Sort of a understanding and keep it out of my face. And then also we won't talk about it.”
2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Well, there are, but it really has more to do. It's sort of like, remember, I was talking about processing conflict and what matters is do people feel like it's been resolved? Do they feel like there's been a repair? Not necessarily how they go about doing it. Same with sex. Does each partner feel sexually satisfied? So that could be once a month for one couple. It could be five times a week for another couple. It could be never for other couples, truly. I mean, so sex has a ton of benefits, but it's absence isn't necessarily detrimental, I guess, would be the qualifier, depending on who you are.”
2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Well, okay, so I'm saying it's important, but I want to qualify that. Everybody has different levels of sex that are satisfying to them. Sex can definitely bond you to your partner. Orgasms are amazing. They de-stress us. They're healthy. I mean, you can have an orgasm and have a lower level of stress for 48 hours. I think that's pretty incredible. If you have, I mean, just that kind of physical contact with your partner, even a 20 second hug with your partner has similar benefits to an orgasm, you're going to have a lower stress level, you're going to feel immediately closer to your partner, you're going to get a rush of oxytocin, which is going to make you feel happier, more grounded throughout the day. So that's a 20 second hug. You extrapolate that to sex and things are going to be great.”
2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“And that's the thing. So, high adventure people are attractive, they're interesting, exciting, but it can be a world of heartbreak because, you know, you're only under that spotlight for a few minutes and then they're on to the next shiny thing.”
2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Yes, and I am high in adventurousness, and I was not really ready to settle down. I was married earlier in my 20s, but I would say that I am much more prepared to be in a committed long-term relationship now in my 40s than I was when I was younger.”
2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“You'll be able to control it. Yeah, I think self awareness is key. I I think that's why I love therapy so much. I think life is about growth and our potential for growth and to make our own lives better, to make the lives of others better, to serve others, to heal all of us or this collective healing. And I think we're all capable of growth.”
2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“And technically, that's a trait that's usually that sort of a, my husband caring so much about family and home and taking care of things that matter, those are things that tend to be associated with that low to moderate adventurousness. Somebody who really cares about simple things and family.”
2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“But you want a little bit of adventurousness, so you want your person to be sort of self motivated, individuated, have their own interests, not completely dependent on you. But also, I mean, low adventurousness is not a bad thing. Ultimately, what you're getting with low to moderate adventurousness is that rock, that feeling of stability, that home. And I made some references earlier, like when you're 70 and you turn to your partner, do you want them to be hot? you know, for instance, my dad has dementia right now. And my husband turned to me on the plane. We were all coming back from a trip and where we really saw how severe it's getting. And he just turned to me. He knew how much pain I was in, even though I might wasn't showing it. And he said, I want you to know that if it comes to a point where we need to take care of your dad, he needs to live with us. You don't even need to ask. It is, I am 100% on board and will help. And those are the things that matter, that home feeling.”
2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Flexibility, resiliency, easygoing. The third Is really interesting, I think. So he found that Having a partner with sort of moderate adventurousness, not high adventurousness actually leads to greater satisfaction. And the reason for that is high adventurousness equals novelty seeking Shiny new things. And so if you're in a monogamous relationship, if that is what's important to you, it's going to be very hard for a partner who is novelty seeking to be faithful. So that will cause a lot of pain. But also novelty seeking people tend to always have new projects, new interesting things. And so their attention is drawn away from the relationship. And so you can just feel pretty neglected or unimportant.”
2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Long-term relationship, a perfect description. Not the mystery chaos you love with your little poet brain. I'm talking more like just somebody who there's just no peace. There's no peace. There's a problem with everything. Everything becomes more difficult. Going to a party is a chore. You don't know if they're going to have a meltdown at the party or how many complaints about your friends or everything is a problem. So you want somebody who has just some resiliency, I think is a good term for it, some flexibility.”
2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Want somebody who is low in a big five personality trait called neuroticism. You want somebody emotionally stable in a way. Now, this doesn't mean you can't have somebody who doesn't get the blues or struggle with mental health issues. Trust me, Ty is with somebody who's all over the place. But you want somebody who kind of owns their shit and isn't going to just. Emotionally unstable all over, you know, you want somebody who is generally happy and has some life satisfaction. Having a partner who has serious, not mental health issues, but unmitigated emotional distress and instability is really hard on the partner and it's really hard on other family members, including children, if you have children. It's just a predictor of happiness.”
2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Meet the needs that you anticipate about the person. So conscientious is that guy who drives the car around in the rainstorm so his wife's hair doesn't get met. It's my husband who checks my alarm for me every morning because he knows I'm terrible at time management and he makes sure that I said it a reasonable amount of time before my first meeting and not the 20 minutes I think I need. And then he'll come wake me up with a cup of coffee. That is ultimate conscientiousness. And it is true. I mean, I will tell you as somebody who's with a conscientious partner, your love increases over time as you continue to feel grateful and admiring of that person. The second one.”
2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“It's true, it's a certain intelligence, awareness, and attunement. And then on top of that, conscientiousness is motivated. So you can't be on your ass all day and be conscientious because then you can't.”
2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“You can be kind and kind of be a pushover, and that's not attractive. Conscientiousness is smart, attentive. It's somebody who reads into a text message and thinks, wow, she was making herself very vulnerable there. That's conscientiousness”
2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Married and doing it based on the Lovendorphins and really only about 35% of anybody who's married is actually happy. And he said, so then, you know, and Exactly. But here's what I love about Titusiro is he didn't stop there. He wanted to know what those people who were happy had in common. And then, same thing with the people who were unhappy. You found a couple fascinating patterns. So, the couples who were happy tended to rate their partners higher in three different traits. And I love talking about this because if you are somebody who can follow instructions, you can find this. I mean, very easily. Those three traits tend to be conscientiousness. Okay. And I love the word conscientiousness because it's not just kindness. Kindness is a good way to think of it, but”
2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“So we are absolutely doing it wrong. But there is a way you can do it. And I am such a fan of the psychologist Tai Tashiro. I adore him. He is brilliant. He's lovely. He's also very humble. Just a wonderful salt of the earth guy. I'm going to tell you a very true story here. Okay. It was in a bad relationship. And I was at a psychology conference with my partner at the time. We were both at this conference and we were sitting in a lecture hall there for Tai Tashiro to do his talk that day on his phenomenal research on relationship satisfaction and dating. And I was sitting next to him and we'd been, you know, it was just always unpleasant on trips. There were always fights. We're sitting there and Tai Tashiro starts talking about his research and how he found that most people are signing this agreement, getting”
2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Yeah, so you maybe were in this dumpster dive in your head of how your partner sucks and all the things that are wrong with them and it's so hopeless. And then you get this light shining through and you realize, oh my God, of course they would be sensitive to that. And suddenly it's not about all the way your partner is wrong and proving that they're wrong. It's just how can I in the future make sure they do not feel this again? I would never want this person I love to misunderstand me and feel so unloved.”
2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Based on what you saw, heard, I can actually understand how you felt one of those feelings that you said. And then my favorite part is you rewind sort of the movie from that day back through into childhood and you land on a time, a memory when you felt a similar set of feelings. And this is like the most beautiful part ever because let's say the feeling was I felt misunderstood. I felt misjudged, uncared about, unloved like you didn't even like me. And I'll say, when did you feel that way? You know, land on a time and they're like, my whole childhood, you know, my parents were, my mom was always accusing me of doing things I wasn't doing and it would set me up and my dad would come home. He'd hear about it. You would just believe her. And then you have like a partner climbing up on the couch, like give their partner a hug while they're sharing the story. It's beautiful. And it changes the way you interact in future disagreements.”
2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“But it's left bad blood. Things were said or you didn't feel understood. This intervention I was talking about is one that you would go through a series of steps where first you identify the emotions that you were feeling, then you describe play by play your movie, your perspective. If your partner were looking through your eyes, this is what they heard, saw, thought, then they saw this, then they heard this. So you're not saying Yeah, then you came in were yelling and acting crazy. You're saying, so then I saw you come in. I heard you say and I thought to myself, well, great, now everything's ruined, right? So you're showing them your movie, then they have to summarize the movie for you, and then vice versa, and then there's this step where each person validates some part that they can understand.”
2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“And so this is a specific intervention for if it is a conflict that occurred and there are different types of conflicts. So this would be more like an incident. It's not a perpetual recurring problem, which has actually a different intervention where you kind of look at the underlying belief systems, values, and the goal is not to solve that problem. The goal in that situation is to actually just get a better understanding of each other and your positions and just you stop seeing your partner as the adversary and you start seeing them as a person who makes sense. But if there's been a specific event, a specific fight that's just sort of situational.”
2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“So, in that Gottman method of therapy, there are all these different, I mean, hundreds of different interventions. And based on what the issue is in that session, you can decide the most appropriate intervention.”
2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“You are exactly right. It's a self fulfilling prophecy. It's caring. Yeah. It's very caring. So that's, I mean, that's, I think, the beauty of what the Gottman research showed us, taught us, provided us, is that we can do these things that become cyclic and just keep growing this relationship, making it stronger, more powerful, more loving. You would never want to cut it down.”
2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“There's a real attunement, honestly. It's sort of an us against the world feeling. Neither partner is going to talk shit on them. The other, there's a loyalty. They handle each other in the relationship with care. You can tell that they've worked some things to me it usually indicates that these are some people who have figured they've had to work some things out. They know that this is delicate. They know you know that you're on thin ice. You take a wrong step and you can be back in a tough place in your relationship or So they're careful with one another. They give each other compliments. They are considerate. So you'll see, you know, he'll bring the car around for her because it's raining or she'll bring him home some takeout. She'll order for him to at the restaurant. They keep each other in each other's minds.”
2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“You know, I actually find that there's this rekindling because partners are shocked that their partner does know so much about them, especially if they've been feeling dissatisfied or disconnected. It's a reminder of all the good that's still there.”
2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Rather than just asking an open ended question, there's a way you can do this with your partner where it's sort of like the dating game. Like what is my as of yet fondest but unrealized life dream and see if your partner knows. You might not even know. They might know you better than you know yourself. That in and of itself is a beautiful reminder of the relationship and how special it is. But then also when they say it or when you realize or have to think critically like what is my husband's as of yet unrealized but fondest life dream and then you can talk about it. Just, I don't know, you just kind of transcend into this new area and you feel tight again. You feel like.”
2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“No, it's not. And that's great news. So we actually know. The closer you feel to your partner. So if, I mean, you've talked a lot about beauty. And you can ignite that beauty, that interest, right? So when you're falling in love, it's usually that a person is sort of a mystery to you and you're uncovering these layers that you find really appealing. Their continual layers that you can uncover with your partner over time. I don't think we realize that. And we think we've had every conversation imaginable. What else are they going to do to surprise me? But we don't know the questions to be asking. One of my favorite questions, I like turning these conversations kind of into a quiz because I get bored easily.”
2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Damage when they're there with you. You want them practicing skills that protect them from criticism, that protect them from contempt. And when I'm working with a straight couple, I am like a referee or sometimes I'll relate it to being like a ski coach and keeping people on a bunny hill. And you tell them, you let them make like two turns and then you stop them and you meet up again because you don't want them to veer off. With straight couples, you are doing very short turns before you need to kind of intervene and rescaffold. I had a lesbian couple recently and they were so lovely with each other. They skipped like seven steps to the advanced final portion where they were already coming up with solutions and suggesting things that they might be able to do differently next time to make it better for their partner. They were asking each other questions about how their partner felt with no agenda, no attempt to sort of be like, well, do you think you're feeling that way?”
2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Yes, so there are, if we're talking about masculine, feminine, then how also we could get into, are we talking about actual gender, identified gender, or are we just talking about these traits? Because like I said, I stonewall, which is typically in couples, something that is more associated with straight men. But that's my style of coping when I get overwhelmed. That is not tied to any sort of success or non-success of a relationship, but what we do know is that gay couples, so lesbians and gay men tend to be gentler with one another when they are having conflict discussions. So that's actually been identified in the research and it's something I've witnessed and it's just fascinating. So with my straight couples, I'll be going through one of these, if we're processing a conflict that occurred, I'll be going through the sheet and it's very, very structured because you don't want couples doing more.”
2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Right. And we're different. So no matter what, we're going to have differences. We are raised differently than our partner. We have different stories, different experiences that shaped our value systems, especially when it comes to the big ones like parenting, love, money, these principles that are based in our history. We're going to have differences. Is this a set of differences you can accept from somebody and work with? Do the benefits and their strengths, do they make it worth it? Or is it, are they deal breaker differences?”
2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“You're exactly right. You're touching on some really important things. So in relationships, we actually know that wearing rose colored glasses is important. It's healthy. We need it. And it's a choice you're making, right? So there is a saying that getting married is just choosing one person's faults over another. And the reality is that we may become infatuated with somebody else as human beings. Love is an emotion. Attraction is an emotion. And as you go through life, even if you're in a committed relationship, you might see beauty in another. And that person who is novel might seem attractive to you. But if you can remember that they too have a set of problems that you would be marrying, it really helps you to see the beauty in your partner again and recognize all of their incredible strengths and all the ways we meld with a person and become our own family, almost become”
2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“All right, so contempt is criticism on steroids. This is what John Gottman calls sulfuric acid for love. Nothing will erode a relationship quicker than contempt. Contempt is when you are looking at your partner from a superior position. So you are eye-rolling, you are name calling. There's a mockery, mocking, even physical mockery, imitating them, imitating their voice. Contempt is meant to just take the legs out from your partner. make them feel pathetic, ridiculous. And it can be abusive. But most people have engaged in contempt at some point in their relationship. Lower level would be sort of the eye rolling, but that is the biggest predictor of a split.”
2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Physically even turn away, kind of arms cross. You're just shut off. And stonewalling happens usually because you get flooded. You feel like you can't win. You don't know what to do to make the situation better. It feels pretty hopeless and talking feels unproductive. So you can see how in a typical heterosexual relationship, the gender dynamic, we know that women tend to use criticism more often because they're the ones that typically raise issues verbally. And then if men are feeling more criticized, that they tend to stonewall and it becomes this vicious cycle of then more criticism, but the criticism is really just a plea to be loved and get your partner to show you they care. And then the man tends to feel like he can't do anything right. This isn't even productive. If I say anything, I'm just going to make it worse. And they don't have any real, you haven't given them a specific need, a solution, something they can do to shine for you. So they turn away.”
2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Now, if you get criticized enough, or if you get really flooded, the flooding is what happens when our heart rate goes up kind of around 100 beats per minute. Our frontal lobe shuts down. That's our thoughtful brain, our logical brain. And our reptilian kind of hindbrain takes over our thinking. And we just go into fight or flight in a way. We just want to annihilate our partner instead of say anything that would be helpful to the relationship. So if you're getting flooded, you could do a couple things. You could get super critical, you could get contemptuous, which I'll talk about in a second. It's the last horseman. Or you do the third horseman, which is stonewalling. And in their research, the Gottmans found that men are actually more likely to stonewall. I also am someone who stonewalls, but it's where you just sort of disconnect from the conversation. You shut down, you turn away.”
2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“There's essentially no real belief that they might have a valid perspective too. So this could look like you never help me out with the house or even you're so lazy. Like, can't I just get you for five seconds to help with the kids or something like that? And then what happens is Horseman number two, defensiveness. Not everybody is defensive just because they were criticized. Some people just are more prone to defensiveness than others. None of us really like admitting our fault. So it's pretty natural. But defensiveness is essentially making excuses or worse, turning it around on your partner, not accepting any responsibility and definitely not validating what they're feeling.”
2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source