YouSaid · the spoken record

Shannon Curry

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113
first
2023-03-21
most recent
2023-03-21
sittings or episodes
1
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podcast

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  1. “I mean, I could just keep it simple and go off their research. So those are four different behaviors that they identify in couples or that you can identify in couples that are really highly predictive of a divorce, some more than others. But I'll start with the lower ones. So one thing that we, by the way, actually, we all do these things. These would be in that five to one ratio, you'd want to stay away from some of these. These are the ones. So as they pile up, now that ratio is going to get imbalanced and then you are headed for a split. Okay. So the first is criticism. So criticism is when we have a complaint, complaints are normal, but instead of owning our own problems, our own feelings, we assume that our perspective is the only valid, accurate perspective. And so we take it upon ourselves to tell our partner what is wrong with them. Okay. So there.”

    2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  2. “I don't want to say should. I guess it depends on the couple. Everybody processes emotions differently. Everybody handles emotional expression differently. I mean, I have couples where I have one person in the partnership who has autism and the other doesn't. And so they're obviously going to have different ways of communicating or processing what happened. We all have different perspectives. It really depends on what makes a person feel like it's been repaired, what makes a person feel understood. Does that need to be verbal or in the case of that older couple I have where they know they understand one another because there's a gentleness toward one another after.”

    2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  3. “I think so. And people have different levels of comfort, right? But as long as it's working for both partners, and typically you have to communicate to figure out what your partner, what makes your partner feel cared about. However, you might be working, for instance, with an older couple. And I have a couple that's perfectly happy and they sort of have a system. It works for them. If there's some sort of a rupture, if they get in some sort of a disagreement, they don't talk it out. She might go to the store, run an errand, doing a little shopping, he'll work in the woodshop, and then they'll come back and there is a repair attempt, though, but it's maybe she'll say, hey, do you want to have dinner or come? You know, I made your favorite dinner, or he'll say, hey, I recorded your favorite show, you want to watch it tonight. So they don't need to process it, but there is an understanding between them that we're still in this together. We care about each other, and there's a repair attempt. Most people need to be able to process.”

    2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  4. “Like, oh God, I just expose myself. But absolutely, I was excited to be here and I didn't want you to think that I didn't care. I think being a therapist has shown me that it really, it's so lucky to be in that position because you meet people that you would have thought are cooler than you or smarter than you or just somehow impervious to life and you realize that we are all in it together. We all want to be cared about and liked. We all want to be liked as a baseline. Some people will say they don't care, but everybody does. It's human. And I have gotten much better being a therapist, much more comfortable showing caring, showing love and genuineness and vulnerability than I think I ever would have been otherwise.”

    2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  5. “God for him Right. He just wants me to ask him if he wants a water when I get up to get my. Just be a basic, decent, considerate person is all he asks of me, whereas mine might be sort of like stay up later with me, watch a show, go to bed at the same time as me or know about the people in my life, that sort of a thing.”

    2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  6. “Well, I think what's really important is actually asking your partner or paying attention to what your partner's bids are because what matters to Ty, my husband may not matter to you. For instance, I mean, Ty's bar is so low with me.”

    2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  7. “With our friends, our co workers, and we may not even know what our style of bid is, but if you see them on a sheet, you can pretty quickly identify them. Bids could be wanting to show your partner, tell your partner something, and have them be proud of you. It could be wanting to go buy groceries with your partner doing things together. Hey, you want to come with me? It could be telling a joke and hoping that your wife looks up from her email on the computer and acknowledges it. If she laughs, then you've got a positive. I don't even look up, that's a negative, right? So it's not necessarily that I'm calling my husband an asshole. It's just, am I connecting with him? Am I meeting those bids for connection and vice versa?”

    2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  8. “Of the day, right? So the idea of this ratio, well, it's not an idea. It was a finding. It is a research finding that the Gottmans got after looking at thousands of couples and codifying these interactions that they were observing. Couples that tend to be satisfied in their relationships that are happier, they have better health, etc. They are having approximately five positive interactions to each negative. And I want to be clear about what I'm defining as positive and negative here. So this doesn't necessarily mean that these don't need to be big sweeping romantic gestures buying flowers, having sex. These are things like paying attention to what we call your partner's bids. We make these bids for affection, for connection all the time in our relationships, not just with our partners, but”

    2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  9. “Yeah, they did a beautiful job at taking these findings they had through decades of research, quantifying it, and then codifying it into a therapy method. It's really skills-based. I tell couples when they're starting out with me that they're essentially going to be starting a class.”

    2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  10. “I have some good news. I have some good news. That was something I think one of the reasons I got into studying relationships was because I wanted that. So I'm a scientist, but I also love art and I love writing and I love literature. I wanted to know that true love could be real. But as a scientist, I am cynical. I just need some data. And so I practice a type of therapy called the Gottman method. And I love that because it tends to be, well, it is one of the most evidence-based therapies we have based on John and Julie Gottman, two psychologists who have been researching relationships for now about 50 years. And this therapy happens to be for couples. They found that you absolutely can make longevity work in a relationship. You can build. You are not just settling for companionship, but you can have passion and intimacy and growing love and appreciation. But there is a blueprint, a set of skills that we were never given. We're not taught at school.”

    2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  11. “Well, I don't think that specific feeling you're having based on drugs. Is going to If you're going to wake up and turn to your partner when you're 70 and think, oh my God, I'm so glad you're hot. You are so hot. Then sure, Mary for hotness. But if you've been through life a little bit, and I think most people who are on a second marriage know shit happens in life. It is hard. You're going to have, you know, maybe a kid with special needs or your dad gets dementia or you get diagnosed with cancer. Who are you going to want to come home to? Who is going to hold you when you are sobbing on the floor and tell you we're going to get through it together? Who's going to know the names of your kid special ed teacher and the process for getting a 504 plan? Or is it going to be you on your own? I think those things matter.”

    2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  12. “In some cases, we're making these marriage commitments that last half a century and we're expecting it to be all because of love. And we're signing these contracts based on how we feel when we're high on these drugs. So the reality is we know based on the reason, and I'm also talking about certain Western civilizations here, because as you know, there are ranged marriages. And a lot of times those marriages, if we're looking at longevity, are actually way more satisfied than people who are marrying for love, which logically makes sense. If you're making a decision based on a feeling that is basically based on endorphins and dopamine and oxytocin, I wouldn't sign a contract just because of a feeling necessarily, you know, for 50 years. Whereas an arranged marriage, if you have your elders kind of deciding for you that this partner has a bunch of traits that you're going to appreciate.”

    2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  13. “The truth is that you have all of these chemicals pumping through your body or essentially high on heroin in the beginning of a romance and you're going to have these rose-colored glasses on everything your partner does is magical but really it's the novelty it's just like going on a vacation you're fully present you're just attuned to the magic of another human being moment to moment And then on top of that, you have you're just flooded with dopamine. So you're high on drugs. And we can't go on like that. You will die if you are using these kinds of chemicals all the time all day long. So eventually, our bodies are sort of made to dial it down. We've made it. I mean, we're evolutionary beings. We are doing the same thing we did 200,000 years ago to find a mate. Procreate, spend enough time with each other that we have sex a whole bunch of times and make babies. Now we've changed the rules of the game. We're living, you know, almost till we're 100 years old.”

    2023-03-21 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #366 – Shannon Curry: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Trial, Marriage, Dating & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source