YouSaid · the spoken record

Sheryl Sandberg

lines on the record: 124
first: 2017-05-08
most recent: 2017-05-08
sittings or episodes: 1
sources: podcast

Every line below is reproduced as it was said and linked to the record it came from. Nothing here is summarised or generated. Directory · Search · Corrections

“The permanence is believing that it will get better replacing words like always with today. I will always feel this bad. Get rid of always, get rid of never those corner words, replace them with sometimes often. For now The temporal for now, even the question I said in my post, people should say, how are you? How are you today That does two things. It tells someone I know you're suffering. But it also has the implicit it's today.”
2017-05-08 · Decoder with Nilay Patel · Recode Decode: Sheryl Sandberg · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“We do best, we're grateful, but paying attention to the things that are good, even if they're small. I think we often think happiness is the big stuff. Getting a job”
2017-05-08 · Decoder with Nilay Patel · Recode Decode: Sheryl Sandberg · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Three moments of joy every night. They were pretty small. Had coffee tasted good. You know, my son gave me a hug without being asked. Maybe hinted at, but not directly asked, right? Little tiny things, but what happens is I realized I went to bed every night worried about what went wrong. And now, to this day, I keep this, I go to bed every night finding those moments of joy and I pay attention because if it happens, You know, like you say something nice, someone does something, I'm like, that's going to make the notebook, so I'm paying attention more.”
2017-05-08 · Decoder with Nilay Patel · Recode Decode: Sheryl Sandberg · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Self compassion, write yourself a letter. Treat yourself as you would a friend, journaling to express our feelings and recognize that they're not as permanent. Joy Joy paying attention Adam told me I should write down three things that three moments of joy do it.”
2017-05-08 · Decoder with Nilay Patel · Recode Decode: Sheryl Sandberg · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yeah, but it's interesting that you know that on little things in life, you know, when you have some small injury or break up with someone, you're devastated at the beginning and then you're like years later you're like, what was that? But so you do know that intuitively, correct?”
2017-05-08 · Decoder with Nilay Patel · Recode Decode: Sheryl Sandberg · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I didn't believe it would get better. And so part of writing this book was trying to tell people what I didn't believe at the beginning, which is it's never going away entirely, but it will get better.”
2017-05-08 · Decoder with Nilay Patel · Recode Decode: Sheryl Sandberg · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Which was interesting. Oh wonderful to hear that. But it was going to be better than it was at the beginning. The days where I felt like I couldn't get out of bed, I needed someone to come over and be with me to walk into my bedroom. I can walk into my bedroom now. I couldn't walk into my bedroom alone for a month. Right.”
2017-05-08 · Decoder with Nilay Patel · Recode Decode: Sheryl Sandberg · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“We had an interesting encounter when a lot the only thing is though people were saying it'll be okay to you a lot at the beginning and you hated that and I ran into I think it was the Shiva and I think you said it'll be okay I go no it really won't I think I said the opposite which was interesting so wonderful to hear”
2017-05-08 · Decoder with Nilay Patel · Recode Decode: Sheryl Sandberg · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“But trying to give yourself permission to it not be. And then the third is permanence, and that was by far the hardest for me. Because in the moments where it just felt so awful, and it was every moment for a long time, it felt like it would never get better. And people kept telling me who had been through it. You told me. Gets better The beginning, the way it feels the beginning, is not the way it feels forever. The grief doesn't go away entirely”
2017-05-08 · Decoder with Nilay Patel · Recode Decode: Sheryl Sandberg · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Dave has died, but my children are healthy. Dave has died, but I have a job I love. I have cancer, but. Finding the butt.”
2017-05-08 · Decoder with Nilay Patel · Recode Decode: Sheryl Sandberg · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And immediately you're like, okay, I'm good. Kids are alive. I'm good. I could have lost all three of them. So counterintuitive, but I thought I should look for positive thoughts. But looking for what could be better Is actually really helpful because you find gratitude and you let yourself feel good about other parts of your life.”
2017-05-08 · Decoder with Nilay Patel · Recode Decode: Sheryl Sandberg · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“But kindness, personalization. It is not your fault, or if it is your fault, you have to be compassionate to yourself, pervasiveness. Just because one part of our life could be in shambles. The way it is when someone dies, there are other things that are still good. And that was a huge lesson, too. One day, Adam looked at me long before I work on the book just for me and said, you should think about what could be worse. What could be worse Dave just died. Are you totally nuts? And he said Dave could have had that cardiac arrhythmia driving your children.”
2017-05-08 · Decoder with Nilay Patel · Recode Decode: Sheryl Sandberg · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“It is an interesting thing because I often compliment myself, and people are like, Kara, you have a big, I'm like, but I am great. Like, why should I not say it? And women are often the ones saying you shouldn't say it, which is...”
2017-05-08 · Decoder with Nilay Patel · Recode Decode: Sheryl Sandberg · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“What's sort of like that Amy Schumer skit where I'm so ugly? No, no, I'm so ugly. Do you remember you ever see it? It's very funny skit. And then someone says, no, I think I look good and everyone's head's go off. They actually physically blow off. It's very funny.”
2017-05-08 · Decoder with Nilay Patel · Recode Decode: Sheryl Sandberg · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“We would never say that to a friend, but we would say that to ourselves we are not kind to ourselves, men and women, but women particularly. Self compassion Mistakes we make, mistakes we don't make, treat ourselves with confidence.”
2017-05-08 · Decoder with Nilay Patel · Recode Decode: Sheryl Sandberg · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“We launched a community along with the book For people to come together. We don't have in-person circles. We have online groups, but. They're around discrimination and violence and coping with grief and they're amazing already. Put up a TED talk. This woman talked about a friend who got divorced. Got met someone, went on her first date, was all excited, got all dressed up, and 10 minutes, and the guy walks out. So a friend says to her, Friend says to her, You know, you're not attractive and you're boring. A friend would never say that to her”
2017-05-08 · Decoder with Nilay Patel · Recode Decode: Sheryl Sandberg · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“But it wasn't But I still felt guilty and bad all the time, and there are mistakes people make that aren't their fault. And we can't personalize those either. And that doesn't mean we let people off the hook, and there's no punishment, none of that. But we have to show ourselves compassion. We have to treat ourselves with the kindness we would a friend. There's this great TED talk we put up on optionb.org And it's a woman talking about a friend of mine”
2017-05-08 · Decoder with Nilay Patel · Recode Decode: Sheryl Sandberg · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yeah, coronary arrhythmia. And then I thought, well, why didn't I know he had coronary artery disease? And it took me a while to get over that. And once I got over that, I was like, well, my mom's here for a month. All my friends are dropping their stuff. I need so much help. I just kept saying sorry. And we personalize not just mistakes that are our fault that aren't our fault, but the ones that are. And no matter what”
2017-05-08 · Decoder with Nilay Patel · Recode Decode: Sheryl Sandberg · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“The most important thing, Adam, I learned from Adam and Adam and I researched was we don't have a fixed amount of resilience. We build Built in ourselves and each other and our kids and our colleagues. And so there are specific things you can do. And so Adam told me early about the three P's, which are the traps. You don't recover. How do you build resilience to avoid the three Ps? Personalization, pervasiveness, and permanence. Okay, personalization, blaming yourself. Dave died, I blame myself I'm the only person my family is not a doctor.”
2017-05-08 · Decoder with Nilay Patel · Recode Decode: Sheryl Sandberg · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“People face unbelievable things, you know, from going to prison to Crime to violence to being raped and abused, and job loss and the everyday struggles and Not every story has a happy ending, and I'm super clear about that, but there are people who rebound and recover. And for me, the most compelling parts of the book are those stories.”
2017-05-08 · Decoder with Nilay Patel · Recode Decode: Sheryl Sandberg · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Well, for me, the personal parts came from my journal. The most compelling parts for me are actually the stories from other people. I mean, there's this huge range of people that have faced adversity, and often you don't know. There was a recruiter named Stephen Thompson who worked as part of my team at Google. And I did not know. His mother abandoned him and his siblings when he was nine in a hotel room it took child services days to find them. Think about that kind of devastation”
2017-05-08 · Decoder with Nilay Patel · Recode Decode: Sheryl Sandberg · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I don't know if I was as thoughtful or strategic about it as you're making it sound. No, I mean, I wrote the personal parts of the book as a journal. I never wrote them for a book. I wrote them long before the book. And so the personal parts of the book were lifted from my journal. There are parts there that are unedited, and I'm honest about that. And there are parts that are heavily edited I'm sharing what I want to share and what I'm willing to share. And I was definitely pushed. By Adam, by the editors, by friends like you to share more. Because if you don't share. It's hard to help anyone rebuild if they don't understand the depth.”
2017-05-08 · Decoder with Nilay Patel · Recode Decode: Sheryl Sandberg · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“He was funny. He really was funny. He could have been a journalist. That's what I used to tell him. I used to drag him along and learn. My stories, and he's the only person I did drag along. We went to the app. I was telling you, I went to when the Apple iPhone was stolen. He's the person I took to the bar to do the investigation. And we did a little video there. And he was like posing. And he's like sitting on the seat and going, like, it was very funny. And nobody would do that. Or I wouldn't want anybody to do that, which I think was interesting. So I was really struck by how descriptive you were in introducing this. I think it was critical to making the book work because I think if you stood away from it, it would be really hard. What was your goal there in terms of getting people to understand the devastation would be my guess?”
2017-05-08 · Decoder with Nilay Patel · Recode Decode: Sheryl Sandberg · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yes, and more than that, Dave had time for everyone. I meet people to this day that I've never heard of. Who won't say I knew your husband, that's expected, but he changed my life. And here's why he gave me the critical piece of advice. Mark Zuckerberg said something about Dave, I think, is true. He said there are a lot of people who really like to give advice. And there are a lot of people who give very good advice. And there's not usually a huge intersection of those two things. And he said the reason Dave was so unusual Was very happy to spend his time with other people, giving advice, like really generous. But also gave really good advice And everyone turned him, Mark and I turned to him.”
2017-05-08 · Decoder with Nilay Patel · Recode Decode: Sheryl Sandberg · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Part of Silicon Valley, too, I think. He was really one of the few people I trusted, actually, I'll be honest with you. You know what I mean? Like, in terms of giving the straight story of what was happening and the honest story, which is, I know it's unusual to say that people lie, but they lie to themselves a lot of the time. And he didn't, which was very useful.”
2017-05-08 · Decoder with Nilay Patel · Recode Decode: Sheryl Sandberg · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yeah. That's right. Well, it wasn't Yahoo Yeah. When I went to Google, he was in his own company, and then they sold it to Yahoo. He was, you know, a huge part of my coming to Facebook. He was one of the first Facebook users. He believed in the product. He went out to dinner with me and Mark and Priscilla. You know, I wouldn't have taken a job like this unless Dave knew Mark. Had a chance to meet him, so he was a huge part. Of my personal life, obviously. It's like the understatement of the year and father of my children and my co-parent. And he's pretty good on explaining. No, I love going down Dave Line.”
2017-05-08 · Decoder with Nilay Patel · Recode Decode: Sheryl Sandberg · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I was in D.C. I was in LA at the time, and then I moved to D.C. He helped me pick Google He helped me say, No, no, that's good. That company is going to grow. That's a great product and helped me really understand it. You didn't bring it a young.”
2017-05-08 · Decoder with Nilay Patel · Recode Decode: Sheryl Sandberg · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Oh, yeah. No, well, he was just always so calm Nothing ruffled him, you know, and I'm more up and down. I have like amazing days and really hard days and can be much more, much more emotive than he was. And he was just the rock and he was always the one. Who told me it would be okay? He showed me the internet. We were friends for six years before we did it, very good friends. He showed me the internet for the first time. It was his part of his advice that”
2017-05-08 · Decoder with Nilay Patel · Recode Decode: Sheryl Sandberg · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Dave was hysterical. A lot of people don't know that about him. He played a lot of April Fool's jokes. Not always on April Fools, almost always. On me, but some on his co workers at SurveyMonkey. Dave, and this, I think, is what you're getting at. Dave was a rock. I'm not”
2017-05-08 · Decoder with Nilay Patel · Recode Decode: Sheryl Sandberg · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I mean, Dave was amazing. You knew him. Dave was completely brilliant and had very strong opinions about a lot of things. He did, but would also listen to anyone else about theirs, which is very unusual.”
2017-05-08 · Decoder with Nilay Patel · Recode Decode: Sheryl Sandberg · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“By sharing it, it's the only way, I think, to make some sense or something out of the suffering. The living, it was truly horrible. I had never faced anything this traumatic. I had known very few people that faced anything this traumatic. Dave's death was sudden and completely unexpected, and the grief was horrific.”
2017-05-08 · Decoder with Nilay Patel · Recode Decode: Sheryl Sandberg · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“People ask me that, and it's so interesting because for me, the hard thing is not writing about it and sharing it. It's living it.”
2017-05-08 · Decoder with Nilay Patel · Recode Decode: Sheryl Sandberg · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yeah, they actually have to be innovative. Interesting. It was a really great discussion, and we hope you'll go listen to it. You can find two embarrassed ask on Apple Podcasts, Google Play Music, or wherever you listen to podcasts. That's too embarrassed to ask. See you there. We're here with Cheryl Sandberg, who has written a book with Adam Grant called Option B, Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy. We're at Facebook's headquarters in, what town is this? Menlo P”
2017-05-08 · Decoder with Nilay Patel · Recode Decode: Sheryl Sandberg · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I can't have that, but I can try to make the most of option B, and I think for me trying to make the most of option B is this book in the community we launch.”
2017-05-08 · Decoder with Nilay Patel · Recode Decode: Sheryl Sandberg · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Well, I'm not even sure you get beyond that. I still want option A. I would love to trade every single thing I've learned to get Dave back. I would like a date, an hour, with him.”
2017-05-08 · Decoder with Nilay Patel · Recode Decode: Sheryl Sandberg · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And I think everyone lives some form of option B, whether it's losing short. Apparent as you did, or my kids did, whether it's the job you didn't get, the love that got away, the marriage that didn't work out. Even if it's the small things and sometimes the big things, nothing's perfect. And so we're all living on.”
2017-05-08 · Decoder with Nilay Patel · Recode Decode: Sheryl Sandberg · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“So we were at our friend Phil Deutsch, dear friends' 50th birthday when Dave died suddenly. And so a few weeks later, there was a father. They were with me, Marianne, Phil were with me, his wife, Marnie. There was a father-son activity that Dave was supposed to do with our son, and Dave wasn't there. And so Phil and I brainstormed who could go with. Our son and we gave my son some options. And I said okay, but I want Dave. Dave's supposed to do this with our son, and Phil put his arm around me and said option A is not available? So let's just kick the shit out of option B. And he didn't say you're going to kick the shit out of option B. He said, let's, we, we are going to do this together. Right.”
2017-05-08 · Decoder with Nilay Patel · Recode Decode: Sheryl Sandberg · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Dave gave so generously to those people around him. And so if option B helps anyone through anything hard. I love Joe's idea that maybe it extends his legacy and even his life and memory a little bit. And for me That means everything”
2017-05-08 · Decoder with Nilay Patel · Recode Decode: Sheryl Sandberg · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“We were at the funeral. Xander on stage, our friend Xander said, raise your hand if Dave Goldberg changed your life and see if hands went up.”
2017-05-08 · Decoder with Nilay Patel · Recode Decode: Sheryl Sandberg · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Of my favorite stories in the book is a man named Joe Casper, and it was a story Adam told me early before we were working on the book. He was a doctor, so he dealt with other people's life and death regularly, but then his son died. And so he went back to study, get a master's in psychology, and he was Adam's student. And now, along with being a doctor, he counsels other bereaved parents in his spare time, and he came up with this concept he calls co destiny. That as he helps other parents, he's extending his son's Ryan's life. And you knew Dave so well.”
2017-05-08 · Decoder with Nilay Patel · Recode Decode: Sheryl Sandberg · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I think I was and still am looking for meaning in Dave's death, something to hang on to because without that there's nothing except death and darkness and tragedy.”
2017-05-08 · Decoder with Nilay Patel · Recode Decode: Sheryl Sandberg · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Just something to do, something that might help a tiny bit. And then we started looking for resilience on trying to study resilience, understanding resilience, thinking about other people that had faced all kinds of challenges. Just he was doing it to help me and I was doing it to help my children and learn. And we had written together, we wrote a New York Times series on women in the workplace together. When the year turned, we decided we would write this as a book.”
2017-05-08 · Decoder with Nilay Patel · Recode Decode: Sheryl Sandberg · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Which you love. I love, and you know, in a situation where I have no idea how to handle grieving children, my children lost their... Father when they were seven and ten, that didn't happen to me. It did happen to you. Right. But I had no experience. And so him saying, okay, here's a study. There's been one longitudinal study that was done on children whose parents divorced or died. And here's what it said for me was incredibly helpful. It didn't take away the grief or the”
2017-05-08 · Decoder with Nilay Patel · Recode Decode: Sheryl Sandberg · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And we ask for people who don't. Yeah, Adam Grant is very good friend of mine. I met him through Dave. He's a professor at Wharton in psychology. And when Dave died, I didn't know what to do, particularly for my kids. And I turned to Adam and said, tell me what to do. How do I get my kids through this? How do I get myself through this? And he started answering with things that really helped me, which is partially with research.”
2017-05-08 · Decoder with Nilay Patel · Recode Decode: Sheryl Sandberg · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I wrote the post and then I gave the Berkeley commencement speech. And I think by the time I gave the Berkeley commencement speech, I was already working on the book. And I really hadn't thought at all about writing a book, it was very intensive journaling. And then in the new year, right when the new year turned, Adam and I talked about writing.”
2017-05-08 · Decoder with Nilay Patel · Recode Decode: Sheryl Sandberg · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“But she read the book, so she went to the toy store, she bought a toy, she went to the lobby of the hospital and texted, I'm here in case you want to see me. But if not, I'll leave this toy downstairs for you. The woman texted, Please come up. She gave the four year old the toy. She said the woman was standing behind the four year old crying hysterically Thank you for being here”
2017-05-08 · Decoder with Nilay Patel · Recode Decode: Sheryl Sandberg · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And it's really hard. Well, can you make fathers to go away? Can you make sure my kids and I aren't alone on anything ever because our little family of three feels so small still? Just so you know Dan Levy, amazing family. He and his wife Esther tragically lost their son, one of their sons. In the hospital for months, and one of their friends texted and said, I'm in the lobby of the hospital for a hug for the next hour if you come down or not. Friend of mine read the book, read option B, and she has a friend, not a close friend, but a friend. whose daughter was in the hospital, and she said before she read the book, she would have done nothing. She's not her best friend. It's inappropriate to.”
2017-05-08 · Decoder with Nilay Patel · Recode Decode: Sheryl Sandberg · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Is what we heard from people who have everything from cancer to other illnesses to any kind of And me too. And the other thing people do, and I did this before, was anything I can do, is there anything I can do? Which I asked a lot of people, I meant very kindly. But the problem is it kind of shifts the burden to the person.”
2017-05-08 · Decoder with Nilay Patel · Recode Decode: Sheryl Sandberg · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“What we share in some ways, but we don't share in others. Not just death that ushers in this huge elephant that's following behind us, trampling over our relationships. You want to silence a room? Tell someone you have cancer. Your father just went to prison. Your mother just lost her job. You just lost her job. You were raped. These things happen to people every day. Mm-hmm. And it's not that everyone wants to share everything. We need them the most. When I needed people the most was after Dave died and people were afraid. And I understood that because I used to do that If someone was going through something hard, I would say something the first time. I'm so sorry. But then I thought if I brought it up again I was reminding them.”
2017-05-08 · Decoder with Nilay Patel · Recode Decode: Sheryl Sandberg · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Was scared to, so she started coming in and I needed her, and strangers posted, you know, I've lost this, I've lost this person, I lost a twin, I lost a baby, I lost a husband, and other people, one woman said she lost her husband, and another woman she worked with. Know and I didn't know either one of them, but rather than feel so isolated, I felt connected to all of these people who were experiencing loss and breaking the isolation really helps.”
2017-05-08 · Decoder with Nilay Patel · Recode Decode: Sheryl Sandberg · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT