YouSaid · the spoken record

Terry Real

lines on the record: 117
first: 2025-05-08
most recent: 2025-05-08
sittings or episodes: 1
sources: podcast

Every line below is reproduced as it was said and linked to the record it came from. Nothing here is summarised or generated. Directory · Search · Corrections

“A wonderful interviewer, Tim. And I'm sure you're going to edit this out, but if I dare say it, even the little I know you, I've grown fond of you. I'm rooting for you. So what a service you're offering. And thank you for having me on.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I love lines. Belinda made my day by giving me a book called The Great One Liners from Noir. I like Noir, The Big Sleep, I guess. There's a great line when Humphrey Brogart meets Lauren McCall playing Sam Spade. She says, oh, I see you met my little sister. He says, yeah. She tried to sit on my lap. I was sitting up at the time.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“The left is not shy about moving into self-righteous indignation and contempt either. We talk about full respect living. I'll put my body on the line and be on the streets protesting your agenda and still hold you in regard as a human being. I don't have to dehumanize you in order to fight you. Gandhi knew that. Martin Luther King knows that. That wisdom is being lost all over the globe right now. It needs to be rekindled.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Unlike anything we faced before. And as a trauma expert, I know that you have two choices. You can tolerate the discomfort of sitting with the vulnerability and pain of that trauma and maybe asking some tough questions about why and what needs to happen. Or you can escape that discomfort by a flight into one up grandiosity, judgment, contempt, and attack. And my hope for this country is we join together in the vulnerability rather than escape into attack. Nobody published that. Two weeks later, we were in Iraq. So I like the book. I want people to resist the temptation of flying from discomfort into one-up superiority, contempt, judgment, and attack on all sides. The left and the right.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I deal with male violence. I deal with violence, and both Jim and I agree that violence is the shunting from the one down to the one up, from shame to grandiosity, from helplessness to attack. And so it's really, it took him 25 years to write that book, and it shows, you know, To drift, but when 9-11 happened, An op-ed piece that nobody published. In the piece, I said, this is the first time we've been hit on American soil. This is a national trauma.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Jim was the medical director of the Bridgewater Hospital for the criminally insane, and he worked with serial killers. He worked with Hannibal the Cannibal. And he starts off as a young man taking this over, and he says to himself, if I can figure out the dynamics of these guys, I can figure out what violence is. And he does in the book. So that's been a great inspiration to me.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Miss Audio, sounds true, ask me to... You know, it's one of those things God was with me. I sat in a booth, no notes, and I just talked for three days. And that's first intimacy.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Do the social media thing at RealTerry Real. That covers all the social media at Realtary Real. Go to my website, Terryreal.com. I'm pleased to say we have a lot of offerings now online for the general public. Course on self-esteem, a course on healthy boundaries, courses on relationship skills. We have little mini courses how to come back from infidelity. We have particular topic courses now that are followed up by online groups that you can join. So if you're coming back from infidelity, here's a three-hour workshop and here's an ongoing group you can be part of. We're doing more and more of that. In terms of books, I like us the new book I like, I don't want to talk about it, the old book, and I like Fierce Intimacy. I like all three of those.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Oh my god, I see what I've been doing to you. I'm so sorry. And I looked at him and I said, as I say to so many people in that moment, I say to them, welcome to the planet Earth. Welcome to the human race. Been really lonely up there, hasn't it?”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“A million people have tried to help you with your depression. I'm not going to try. You're depressed. Sorry. Been there. Here's what I want to tell you. True. Here's what I want to tell you. It says what? Get off the couch. Go do homework with your kids. Go help your wife with your dishes. You managed to pull yourself out of yourself from nine to five. You give yourself a pass when you get home. You're going to wind up divorced. And you're going to do great damage to your children. And he looks at his wife And he says, I realize I've really abandoned you in this family. And I made excuses for myself all these years. And he starts to cry. That's remorse. Openheartedness. I say he's come out of the coldness of outer space into the warmth of connection through remorse.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Guy came in and he was quote unquote depressed. Another one of these guys with five therapists under his belt. Nobody's been able to help him. And he's on the brink of divorce. And I listen to him and I go, I can't help you with your depression, but I can save your marriage. You know, you have a very, this is a guy, he literally go to work, come home, flop on the couch. His wife would be running around, they'd all have dinner. She'd do the homework with the kids. She put them to bed, then he'd slump off to bed and go to sleep, get up the next day, go to work. She's ready to divorce them. So you have a very mysterious depression. It goes into a mission at 845 and it comes roaring back at 515. When you're at work, you manage a function. When you're at home, you're on the couch.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Relational joy which many of the people, the grandiose people in particular, have no idea what I'm talking about. Relational joy is the deeper down pleasure of just being there and being connected. And many of the grandiose people I work with simply don't know what relational joy is. They've lived their whole life for gratification and it's empty and they feel the emptiness and the people they live with are fed up with them and they certainly feel that. So what I have to offer is relational joy. That's the ace in my pocket because that's what we're born for. That's the only thing that will make you happy. Let me teach you to come down off your perch and enter into being a human being like the rest of us. And let me teach you to really look at what you've been doing. Tell you”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Done well in the world, but they're not happy between their ers and they're miserable to live with. Some so-called expert got on television and talked about aspirational masculinity and Elon Musk. Go to the moon. Great. Be the richest man of the world. Great. You want to be married to that guy? Want to be that guy's kid? Good luck. All of the people I treat are incredible successes in the world and a mess inside. Why? The first thing I teach is the difference between gratification and what I call relational joy. Ratification is pleasure, short-term pleasure. You make a million bucks, great. Pretty girl flirts with you, great. I like pleasure in its place.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“IFS doesn't teach skills, by the way. A lot of trauma people think you remove the trauma. You don't need to teach skills and wishful thinking. Anyway, so first we confront what you're doing. Then we go back to your childhood roots and where it came from and help you with that. And then we teach you new skills to replace it with. Why should you come down from your rage and dominance and control? Why? Well, how's it working for you? I talked about poison privilege. And let me say this, and this is particularly true for men. You know, God in her wisdom has given me access to the dream. The real American dream is that if you have money and fame, it will transmute you. You'll become a demigod and you'll be happy. I treat those people. They're not happy.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“have to wake them up there are three phases to RLT the first we call waking up the client which is loving confrontation which most therapy doesn't do Once we get what you're doing that will never work, and if you ride in the one-up, your grandiosity, then we move into trauma work, what set you up to do that. And then we teach you skills. It's all three.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“There's a lot of ink now being spilled on the so-called narcissistic partner, which is almost always a man. And the idea is they can't be treated, leave them bullshit. That's more individual empowerment. We treat grandiose men, breakfast, lunch, and dinner in RLT. Come down from that entitlement, come down from that contempt. It's poison for you. Let me teach you how to do it. You'll be happier. And we do. We effectively help people come down from the one up.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“We live in the world of patriarchy, which is one up, one down, superior, inferior, better than, less than all day long. And the one down, shame, inferiority, helplessness, defectiveness, unlovability. For 50 years, my field has focused on helping people come up from that one down. Good. But we've almost totally ignored helping people come down from the one-up. Entitlement, anger, judgment, contempt, self-righteous indignation, all forms of grandiosity.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“It's what Pia called my great mentor coming out from under the great lie, that a human being could be inherently superior or inferior to another human being. Healthy self-esteem, which I have to teach people in this culture, comes from the inside out. You're here, you're worthy, you're lovable, you're a good human being because you're breathing, period. And your essential worth can be added to, it can be subtracted from. This is democracy. This is one person, one vote. We're all equal under the law until recently anyway. This is democracy, but we don't live like this.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yes. I want to go back and talk about relational empowerment versus individual empowerment. Because here's how I say it. Under patriarchy You can either be connected The fix are accommodating, self-sacrificing peacemaking. Or you can be assertive. That's more traditionally quote unquote masculine, independent, competent, aggressive. But you can't be both at the same time because power is power over when you move into power you break connection. That's individual empowerment. I was weak, now I'm strong. I don't care how I sound. Just listen. No. You do care how you sound or you're not going to get listened to. I teach people and particularly women in this one or whoever's coming up from the one down. What I call loving power”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Need, let's work together. That's the next step. And a lot of women, early stage feminism, move from disempowerment to individual empowerment. You know, as a couple therapists, often the bane of my existence is an individual therapist who's individually empowered their client right out of a workable relationship. Now, I was weak, now I'm strong. I love you. We're a team. Let's roll up our sleeves and work on this together. That's the New World Order.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I am woman. I have found my voice. Hear me roar. No. And you get a lot of, I'm going to get into trouble, but too bad. You get a lot of people in that traditional feminine side of the equation. Doesn't matter what body you're in. as a fixer on that feminine side you get a lot of the people on the feminine side move from disempowerment to individual empowerment i call it i was weak now i'm strong go scree yourself and everybody will cheer mom dad therapist 12-step sponsors your man's group no relational empowerment is the next step i was weak now i'm strong i'm going to go toe to toe with you i'm going to tell you just what i want and need now listen to this what could i give you to help you to do that for me who sounds like that we're a team i love you”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I'm glad you brought this up because a family therapy we talk about first and second order change first order change is just a rearrangement you know Tommy's truant you get Tommy not be truant and then Sally starts pooping her pants it's like okay well rearranging the furniture second order changes a revolution no kid has to be symptomatic In our culture, there's a lot of what I call individual empowerment. I was weak, now I'm strong, go screw yourself.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“We need to open our hearts and listen. Here's a simple way. You don't like patriarchy. Here's what I teach the men I work with to learn to become family men. Here's how you're a family man. You decentralize yourself. I wrote this and I don't want to talk about it. A boys question of the world is what do you got for me? A man's question of the world is what's needed here. And I teach men to show up as men and not boys. What's needed here? You know, research on happiness is, I like black and white research. If you get a gift, you're happy. You get happier for a bit. If you give a gift, you're even happier and longer than if you get it. What men need to understand is it's good for us. Be empowered, be assertive, and also to be connected and show up and ask ourselves, what's needed here? How do I need to show up here? That's a man.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“We are born to be intimate, moving beyond traditional gender roles is the only way to get there. So stop whining, stand up, and learn a few relational skills. It's good for you. It's good for your body. You'll live longer. It's good for your marriage, and it's good for your children. Let me help you learn how to do this better. That's revolutionary. You got a lot of people out there. I'm so happy to be on this podcast with you truly. You got a lot of people out there. I'm mad as hell and I'm not putting up with it. We men need to reclaim our power.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Ain't gonna work. The toothpiece stink going back in the tube. So what I say is I don't want women to stand down. I want men to stand up and meet these new demands. Look, I've been saying this for 40 years and research has finally caught up with me. Relationality, intimacy, open-hearted connection. The ace that we RLT therapists have in our backpacket is that's what we human beings are designed for. Designed to be intimate. Not being intimate, I know you do a lot of great work with health on your podcast. Not being intimate is as bad for your body as smoking a pack and a half a cigarettes a day. This is hard black and white.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“By today's standards, we'll give you problems in your relationship. You got to be vulnerable. You got to open your heart. Literally, you have to reconfigure masculinity in order to be a good partner these days. And people need help with that. The cultural response to feminism and women's empowerment has been a big backlash. You know, the manosphere and that sobering movie, adolescence, There's a big resurgence of IMAN and I'm tired of being told I'm bad and go screw yourself.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yeah, a number of things. First of all, we men are trying to figure out what the hell we are. And someone wants to describe my work as women have had a revolution and now men have to deal with it and no one knows what to do. Women have had a revolution. And they are speaking up and they are insisting on intimacy from us guys in ways that are exactly in conflict with our traditional role as men. Eric Erickson said it's a sign of a healthy culture that socialization practices in childhood equip you to succeed in your adult roles. And it's the sign of a culture and transition when there's a disjuncture between the two. And for men, there's a disjuncture. What traditional masculinity teaches you as a boy, whether you want it or not, often through punishment.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Belinda and I spent three months in Costa Rica and amongst the young expats who can't find a monogamous couple anywhere. And polyamory is a real challenge. Monogamy is the challenge too. I used to say monogamy is unnatural and open marriage is well, hold on. So people trying to, people experimenting with different models of intimacy and, okay, open the doors and Challenges.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“We think that in psychiatry too, we think all grandiose behavior is a defense against shame. No, some grandiose behavior is just entitlement and hatred. That's part of our humanity. I don't think Hitler killed millions of Jews because he was protecting a vulnerable part of himself. There's more to it than that. So we take on some of the issues of grandiosity and entitlement and some of the less savory parts of our humanity in a way that I don't think IFS quite does.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Let's do this briefly because this could be a whole, there are some similarities. For example, there's a three part of the psyche, what I call the wise adult has some correlation to what Dick calls self, what he calls protectors and managers has some correlation to what I call the adaptive child and his exile is my wounded child. So there's some similarities, but there are also some very distinct differences. I don't believe that the adaptations that you learned as a kid are all defensive or are all about protecting the wound. And I believe there are bad parts. Dick is almost a religious fervor that there's no such thing as a bad part. No, there are grandiose, retaliatory parts of you that you really need to corral. And there's also entitlement and privilege. And it's not all grouped around protecting a vulnerability.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“As you know, I have eight million sayings, and here's one of them. Generally speaking, unsolicited advice doesn't go very well. So we all learn to have good boundaries in these groups, which we can double back and talk about. A core principle of RLT is what we call full respect living. I may disagree with how you think. But I hold you in respect. It's a part of the culture of the group that we speak to one another with humility. This is what I'm making up to him and with respect. No one in these groups, well, a fucking asshole. How can you do that? We just don't talk to each other that way. And I never had to make that explicit. It just happens.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“But I'm available. We don't need her. You turn to me. And that's transformative. So I do deep trauma work in the men's group, or we do a theme, or we just all hang out and talk about what's going on in our lives. And they were all of the about.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Do trauma work with you. We're not going to do it. Just go around anyway, but if you were in the group, at some point, I would say, I want to go back to that little boy who learned how to be a fixer. How old were you when you first adopted that? Four or five is whatever it was. Close your eyes, go into your body, find that for your old boy. Ask him to come out and sit in a chair facing you. What's he look like? How do you feel toward him? What do you want to say to him? Where does he need to hear from you? What's it like for him? How does he respond to what you just said? And I get into a dialogue between you and this little boy. Of course, it's very emotional. And it ends always with you saying to that little part of you I'm here now. I can take care of you. Your angry partner may not be available, and that's frightening to you.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Start off with check-ins. How's everybody doing? What's on your mind? And then either we move into a theme that emerges. So, my practice is ten full pay people and four pro bono at any given time. And the ten who pay, or they tend to be high rollers. So here's a group of some of the bigger mover and shaker guys in the world right now. We had a hilarious time talking for two hours about how we were all petrified of our wives. So sometimes a theme will emerge. Fathers, anger, self-medication, being afraid of our wife. And or as the check-in evolves, one person will like pop. And I'll go deep.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And that's a gift. The same with Belinda. And we are reconstructed human beings. Belinda calls us retreads, you know, like a tyre. And I love reconstructed human beings. We have a lot of depth. And if I can do it, you can do it. There's a way to do it, no matter where you come from. But you've got to be willing to do the work. And it's hard goddamn work.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Years and years of spiritual work. I've been meditating over 50 years and all stripe of therapy work. There's a saying therapists or people who need to be in therapy 40 hours a week. I became a professional therapist to heal myself. And then I became a family therapist to learn how to have a relationship. I mean, I was so far behind the starting gate. In 12 step, one of the things folks say the last phase is gratitude. I was so on the ropes. Unlike a lot of people, if I did my defaults, I'd be dead now. That's true. A lot of my friends I grew up with are dead. If I did what I learned, I'd be dead. I had no choice but to go under or reconfigure myself.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Well, first of all, get help. Men don't get help in the book. I said a man is about as likely to get help for depression as he is to ask for directions. If you come from a tough background, I say this to the people I work with all the time. You can't come from what you came from. Have the happy, healthy family you want without doing a shitload of therapy, a shitload of work. Men's growth, women's groups, 12-step groups, therapy, but therapy that works. But the first thing I want to say is, thank God you don't have to do this on your own because you won't know what to do. Get help and get help that helps.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“We had a real Rockham Sakham marriage for years. We were both fighters, but we spared the children. And they know that. And they're really robust, radiantly healthy boys. I am the son of an angry depressed father. He was the son of an angry depressed father. I have two boys, neither of them say that, and neither were their children. And that is the greatest achievement of my life.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“You probably know both my wife and I came from terrible trauma, terribly violent families. I wouldn't wish it on anybody. Four books forty years. Here's probably my single most famous quote. You know, they say it's the hypertension to quote yourself. Family Pathology roles from generation to generation like a fire in the woods, taking down everything in its path until one person in one generation has the courage to turn and face the flames. That person brings peace to their ancestors and spares the children that follow. Belinda and I made a rock solid commitment that we were not going to leak to kind of reactivity and violence that we grew up with on our kids and we didn't. We did it on each other.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“A good Marani will kill you. Don't mess with him. I mean, he'll kill you. The moment calls for tenderness, a good Marani will lay down his sword and shield and be sweet like a baby. A great Morani is a man who knows which moment is wit.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“So I had a men's group with the elders for four nights running. And we talked about everything. So I go like this to them. In the United States, there's a debate about what makes a good man, Marani, warrior, or one word. What makes a good Marani? Some people say a good Marani is sensitive and thoughtful and kind. Some people say a good Morani is fierce and tough and no bullshit. What do you guys think? Which is it? True story, Tim. So this little guy has got to be four foot three and a thousand years old, cooks his finger, and he sounds like he's totally pissed at me. And it goes from Masaidus Swahili to English to Swahili. This is what he says. I have no interest in talking to what makes a good Marani. I could care less. But I will talk to you about what makes a great Marani. He said, when the moment calls for fierceness,”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“He's trying to feminize men. I want whole human beings. I want smart, sexy, competent women. I want powerful, big-hearted, compassionate men. We don't need to have ourselves in compliance to the world order. We can be whole. And the issue is whole and adaptable. What is this moment calling for? And I got to tell this story. This is one of my favorite stories. So I had the privilege of going to Moss Island in Tanzania with another family who knew this particular compound, these guys, very well. It took 10 hours of driving to get to them. They were remote. And this is the real deal. I mean, you know, we're talking, you know, earlobes down here and everybody and they have spears and they kill lions. And these are real warriors.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I did. No, they were both phrased similarly to one another, but they're very different from the culture at large. It's funny. We just had our first relational life therapy annual conference, and my sons got on stage with me. And the older one, Justin, the jot, was very funny. He looked at the crowd and he said, you know, being the son of two therapists, the way I grew up, you want to talk to me about how your nanny had sex with you when you were five or your deepest anxiety. I'm there. No problem. It took me into my 20s to learn how to sit on a bar stool, have a beer, and talk to guys about a game. Nobody's perfect. You know, the thing is, I want whole people. Going back to people who may be turned off by what I'm saying, it absolutely kills me when people describe my work as terrible.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“But it could have gone another way. So I would teach young Tim how to negotiate his sensitivities so that when they were welcome, they were over. And when they were unwelcome, you put up a shield of toughness to protect yourself. And having some sense of which moment is which.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Then I sit him down and go, here's the deal. If you go to school with that in your hair, you may get crap from the other kids. If you don't go to school with that in your hair, you may feel like you've missed out on expressing yourself. And it could be the kids are going to love that stuff in your hair. I don't know. What do you guys want to do? It's not my decision. It's yours. And we talked to boys about, do you want to express yourself and deal with the crap you're going to get? Or do you want to comply and deal with the inauthenticity of that? It's your choice, not ours. I don't make those choices for my boys, but it's on the table conversation. So they've all said, sure, and as the older one, Dustin, the Keith, puts his foot in the car and goes, I can't do it. And we wind up cutting his hair, look there. His brother, Mr. Pink and Gold, was like the toast of the town.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“So, when my kids were little, I've got two kids, one's a massive jock, Justin, and one is a gay Dr. Ballet dancer who danced professionally, and he's got five. Anyway, they're both amazing and very, very different kids. And we went off to vacation, like the Dominican Republic, and they had cornrows put in their hair. The kids did that. My little one, Alexander, who turned out to grow up to be gay, did his whole head in cornrows, and they were like green enough. Pink and gold is his favorite color. His older brother, Justin, the jock, had a couple of like Keith Richards cool rock and roll, you know. All right, it's time to go to school. We're back from vacation.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“You gave up your sensitivity because your sensitivity was punished. And the playground is the greatest enforcer of traditional roles. You learn three, four, five-year-old boys learn to keep their mouths shut or they're going to get punished. And for the guys out there, I got to say, for a girl to cross into Boyland is like, no, she'll get some shit. For a boy to cross into Goyland evokes violence emotional and I'm sorry, at times even physical violence. It's dangerous to break the rules. It's dangerous to stand up for being whole in this culture. And I talked to parents about having their boys be literate, gender literate. Can I tell you a story?”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I don't know. Who are we beyond our socialization? I don't know. What I do know is that the bifurcation of men and women under patriarchal culture, which is virtually ubiquitous in the world, is so strong.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yeah, me too. I had a violent father. I would teach you how to have healthy conflict and feel good about that. But it would be very scary initially.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“You know, we children, we look at mom and dad, we go, I'll be that one. You looked at mom, I'll be that one. I don't want to be dad. I don't want to be that aggressive. So you don't have a healthy template for healthy aggression.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT