YouSaid · the spoken record

Terry Real

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117
first
2025-05-08
most recent
2025-05-08
sittings or episodes
1
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podcast

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  1. “Actually, let me go big picture for 30 seconds. The essence of my work, the new book is about correcting what Gregory Basin, the father of family therapy, husband of Margaret Meade, called humankind's epistemological error, philosophical error. And here it is. We stand apart from nature and we control it. We stand apart from nature. That's individualism. We control it. That's patriarchy. And by the way, control can be one up, that's male. Do what I say, or regulating up, one down that's traditionally the female, enabling. Don't sit daddy off. Both forms of control, all bullshit. Nobody controls anything. Instead, we offer a map and then tools to live it. But here's the new map. You're not outside of nature idiot. You're inside nature and you depend upon it. Our relationships are our biological.”

    2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  2. “Yeah, I'm glad you say that because relationships are relationships. We're doing a corporate piece. We're doing a big thing for the general public. And the same skills in work with your kids, with your dog, although most people treat their dogs better than they treat their spouses. But anyway, what were we talking about? We're talking about objectives.”

    2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  3. “Not misses Tim, you're an even bigger nut, and here's why. And here's what I think you need to do about it. So some problems are 40, 60, some problems are 99.1. We call it like we see it.”

    2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  4. “Oh my god, we're taught not to as therapist. We're actively taught not to. God forbid you should, you know, thou shalt not take sides. If you take a side, particularly if you side with a woman against a man, then you have to go to your supervisor and talk about your mother for a while. You can go back into the therapist. No, no, no, no, no. The idea is that all problems are 50-50. And common sense knows that it's bullshit. Literally, I treated a couple. The guy was an untreated bipolar, manic depressive, alcoholic wager. What was the woman's quote unquote contribution? She was there. That was her contribution. And this was the feminist critique of family therapy. You don't say to an abused spouse, what's your 50% of this? I mean, that's grotesque. So in RLT, we call it like we see it. Tim, you're...”

    2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  5. “Yeah, I say, look, this is what you're doing. I admire it. I always side with the adaptation. I admire it. By the way, you're going to die. Your mother's already dead. She doesn't care anymore. But what a loyal guy you are. Congratulations. You really want to live like this? And he says, no. Everybody else argued with him. You got to live, you got to live. No, I don't. No, I don't. Why don't you crawl up on that cross and die with your mother? He goes, I don't think so.”

    2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  6. “I know why a therapist to fail, and he cued me. He said, I said, what happens with your therapist? He said, well, sooner or later they all care more about me than I do And then I ditch him. Okay, got it. Okay, I know why that happened. I say, your mother, who he adored, your mother was a sainted martyr. What she did to save her family as a nine-year-old girl was crawl up on that cross and get crucified. And guess what? You're up on that cross with her. And if you take care of yourself and live a life and get happy and successful and intimate, you will leave her on the cross. She's dead, by the way, but doesn't matter. You'll leave her. And you ain't going to do that. So, you know what? I'm not going to try and make you better. I'm going to celebrate your sacrifice. And this is a true story, Tim. He looked at me and he goes,”

    2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  7. “It was raised by a single mom, she died of alcoholism, didn't know his dad. Her story was when she was a little girl her father beat everybody up in the whole house, mother and all four sisters in her. As a little nine-year-old girl, this feisty chick walks over to her father and says, you lay a hand on my mother or my sisters, and I'm going to call the police and have you sent to jail. True story. Father looks at this little nine-year-old and says, okay, you win. I'm not going to lay a hand on your mother's sisters ever again. I'm just going to beat you. And he beat her every day of her life until she finally escaped at 60. Then she became an alcoholic. Catholic family. So here's what I say. I say, well,”

    2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  8. “A challenge gauntlet down, right? Another knots in the belt. My ninth therapist, A therapist have tried to help me and he was screwed up. The guy was an award-winning artist, a celebrated artist. You know, he's got a bad back. He doesn't go to the doctor. He's got rotten teeth. He smokes too much. He's just a mess. Going to die early at this rate. What's his story? Here's his story.”

    2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  9. “And what happens is when people shift out of, I call, I speak about miserable, comfortable, happy, uncomfortable. And when you move out of that into new territory, vulnerability, risk-taking, courage, standing up for yourself for some, coming down and yielding for others, when you move into intimacy, you lose that old relationship. And there's a lot of, not always, but there's a lot of unconscious guilt and loyalty. So part of the reason why we don't change is we're loyal to the relationships that we learn how to be screwed up in. And it feels odd. I say we're immigrants. We leave the old country and the old people behind. So a story. Here's a story. True story. The guy comes to me and he says, you're my ninth therapist.”

    2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  10. “And that, you know, somebody wrote, wait, why am I talking? And be honest with you, are you talking to nail your partner into the ground or prove you're right? Then take a break. I'm a big fan of break. Wait until you remember you're talking to someone you care about. And the reason why you're opening up your mouth is to make things better. makes life even more dicey is that that adaptation like the guy in the story lying was born in a relationship”

    2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  11. “What we teach is shifting out of that, we call it relational mindfulness. This is the core skill from which all other skills depend. The adaptive child part of us, you know, you played the losing strategies from fierce intimacy in a podcast. It doesn't want to use skills. It doesn't want to be intimate. Intimacy is scary. It wants self-protection. So I'm going to control you. I'm going to scream at you. I'm going to withdraw from you. I will never get what I want in the relationship when my adaptive child is taken over and almost all of the people I see. That's what happens. You know, skills are great, but when you're flooded, they go right out the window. So the first skill, I call it remembering love. Remember the person you're speaking to as someone you care about and you live with them, dummy. It's in your interest. So get centered.”

    2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  12. “Oh my god, 10 feeling bad. I got to make him feel good because if he doesn't feel good, I don't feel good. Big for a lot of women. But not only women. And it's not an adult, let me see what I can do to make this relationship work. It's an anxious, compulsive, oh my God, I got to fix this guy.”

    2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  13. “But what makes life interesting and dicey is there are two, we call them subcortical parts of the brain, automatic, you know, knee-jerk response. The mature wise adult all the way amygdala in the back is the completely flooded wounded child part, first moments of life to four or five. Just flooded, just wants to crawl in someone's lap and cry. Between these two is what we call the adaptive child part. And Tim, that's the part most of the people I see have lived most of their lives in, thinking that that's an adult and it's not. It's a kid's version of an adult. And the hallmark of the adaptive child part of us is that it's automatic. Fight flight fawn. I got to get out of here or the world's gone. I got to stand up for myself.”

    2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  14. “Thought of you, he was borrowing my free frontal cortex. I thought of you, Terry. I looked at my wife, and I said, I forgot the goddamn pumpernickel. And she looked at me, true story, and she burst into tears. And she said, I've been waiting for this moment for 25 years. That's the story. So in relational life therapy, the work I've created, we talk about three parts of the human psyche. The wise adult, the part I'm talking to you right now, prefrontal cortex, the most evolved part of the brain, that's the part that evolved last in the human species. That's the part that evolves last. Hey, you parents out there with ADHD kids, 26 years old. Chill, you got 26 years before they start to calm down. Anyway, preformal cortex, stop and think and choose.”

    2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  15. “Fashion. They come back two Easter. It's absolutely true hand in hand. We're done. And they were. They were done. Okay, there's a story here. Tell me the story. Guy says to me, over the weekend his wife sent him to the grocery store to get, say, 12 things. And true to form, he comes back with 11. The wife says, where's the pumpernickel? I want folks to feel this. He says every muscle and nerve in his body was screaming to say they were out of it. Is a moment my wife, wonderful family therapist Belinda Berman, calls relational heroism. Every muscle was screaming to do the same old same old. And I took a breath.”

    2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  16. “Military man, how he sat, how he ate, his friends. I said, well, what did that little boy do with that controlling father? And Timmy smiles. And that's the smile of resistance. I like that smile, a very mischievous smile. And he says to me, ready? I lied. Dad said, don't play with Henry. I played with Henry and told him I was playing with Tom. Smart boy. I always teach my students be respectful of the exquisite intelligence of that adaptive little boy or girl that you were. You did just what you needed to do to get by. But guess what? You're not that little boy. Your wife is not your father. Maybe you're on death's door here. Maybe it's time to change this up. That's it. One session. Of course, I don't tell you that one session said don't work. I tell you the ones that work. Anyway, once...”

    2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  17. “So as you know, Tim, my specialty, a couple on the brink that no one else has been able to help. That's what I've been doing for 20 years, and that's what I teach. So here's a couple on the brink. The issue was that he was a chronic liar. I teach my therapist. You pay attention to what people report. You pay attention to what they do in front of you, and you pay attention to how you feel. And he's one of these guys, I walk in and I go, the sky is blue. And he goes, well, not really blue. It's really, the guy is a champion evader, so I get that. He's an evader. Then I ask a relational question, a standard therapist would think, oh, where'd you get that? No, there's somebody else on the other side of that habit. He learned it. So I say to him, who controlled you growing up? He's an invader. Who is he evading? Sure enough, dad.”

    2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT