YouSaid · the spoken record

Terry Real

lines on the record: 117
first: 2025-05-08
most recent: 2025-05-08
sittings or episodes: 1
sources: podcast

Every line below is reproduced as it was said and linked to the record it came from. Nothing here is summarised or generated. Directory · Search · Corrections

“Now I would teach you The cure for love avoidance is negotiation. I would teach you to identify what you want and lean in and have the daring break the rules and say, hey, you know what? I don't want to eat Indian tonight. I want to eat Japanese. And the last two nights we ate what you wanted, and tonight we're doing Japanese. Well, I don't like that, Tim. Well, okay. And, you know, for you fixers, I say, let the bad thing happen. You know, that adaptive child part of you is petrified of conflict. You don't want to make dad angry and you don't want to make mom unhappy. You're a fixer. You're a good boy. You want to bring peace. Well, this is where trauma enters into our relationship. That adaptive child part of you has no model for healthy conflict. It's either yelling and screaming or giving in.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yeah, and the cost of that indirectness is you don't get your needs met and then resentment grows and then whatever. So I have eight main”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“walls because relationships mean I surrender my you know my needs and caretak them I'm a human so I need relationships I pull them in but once they're in I got to keep them at arm's length or they'll eat me alive so you live behind walls to protect yourself that's that adaptive child How am I doing?”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“And this codependent, unhappy mother. This is what I call the unholy tryout of patriarchy. You wonder why so many men are love avoidant or avoiders. Well, here's why. You have an irresponsible or shutdown father. You have an unhappy mother. You have, and I guarantee this was you, a sweet, sensitive, big-hearted young boy. The mother doesn't have to do a thing to enhes him. to use him. That boy looks at his unhappy mother and says, what can I do to make her happy? And he lets go of what he wants and needs and becomes her caretaker emotionally, grows up and his template for relationship is, I'm a caretaker, I'm a fixer. I got to take care of them. My knees, nobody gives a shit. So what that breeds, maybe you maybe not, is what we call love avoidance. You live behind.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“When we think of vulnerability, we think of sensitivity, but for a fixer like you, standing up for yourself and, oh my God, they may get mad at me, that's vulnerability for you. So what does my biosphere need? You know, Carol Gilligan says there can be no voice without relationship. So come down off your high horse if you're dominant. There can be no relationship without voice. So I would work with someone like you and I would have you, okay, I want you to identify what you're feeling. I want you to identify what you want and need right now. Don't worry about pleasing them. What is Tim want? And I want to teach you how to articulate that in a way that might get listened to. May I hypothesize about you?”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“You're right. And I didn't say it's in your interest to make them happy. What I really say is it's in your interest to take care of your biosphere. If you ride in the one up, at some point we should talk about this. If you're more in the one-up and you're more entitled, demanding, dominant, you don't listen, you've got to come down off your high horse. If you ride in the one down like a fixer, oh my God, oh my God, my partner's upset. I'm codependent. You need to take a breath. What your biosphere needs is for you to be assertive and be more conflictual and fight a little more. Stand up for yourself. So you have to correct what's off. It's not one size fits all. It's what's off for you. If you're one up, come down. If you're one down like a fixer, then assert yourself and take some risks. But both are vulnerabilities.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yeah, it's true. But we live in an anti-relational culture. That's patriarchy. We live in a culture that's about up, down, win, lose, right, wrong, no. We have to wake up to ecological wisdom. We're a team, we're in this together. What do you need, honey? It's in my interest to keep you happy. That's the New World Order. And, you know, not to dishonored man, but I do get these big burly guys and they say, why should I have to work so hard to please my wife? And I go, knock, knock, you live with her. It's in your interest. That's what I teach people. It's in your interest to learn how to do this though.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“It's a relational therapist who argues against exaggerated individualism. Here's the thing we've never wanted more from our relationships than we do right now. It's historically new. We don't think historically, so we don't get this. But our parents, grandparents, a companionable marriage was plenty good enough. But we want more. We want real intimacy and sustaining it. We want to hold hands, walk on the beach, have hard hearts, have great sex in our 60s and 70s. This is new. Marriage was never built for that. Go into Western literature and find me a passionate marriage. All passion is adulterous.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Across the board, I'll just deal with heterosexuals for a moment. Women want men's hearts. They want connection. Tell me what the fuck you're feeling. Open your mouth and share with me. When I come to you with a feeling, be compassionate and not dismissive. Well, guess what? All of that goes against what was imposed on you as a boy about how to handle yourself as a man. But one of the things I say is Moving men, women, non-binary folk into true intimacy is synonymous with moving them beyond traditional gender roles, beyond patriarchy. Men have to move into vulnerability and open their hearts. Women have to move into assertion with love, not with harshness, but with love. And doing that on both sides moves beyond anything. That this culture teaches us. It's pioneer work.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“There's hard research, 345. Little boys have more feelings than little girls, actually. They're more sensitive. But by 3, 4, 5, they know better than to open their mouths and say anything. They've read the code. So no vulnerability, no emotion. Not too connected to others. You're independent. Great. Here's what I say. I would say it to you if you showed up in my office. Tim, the things you learned as a boy about what makes a good man are the very qualities that will ensure that by today's standards you'll be seen as a lousy husband.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Talking about not being dominant. There's a difference. Rean Eisler talks about power over versus power with. I want men to be powerful. I also want women to be powerful. I want all of us to be whole. And what patriarchy does what Carol Gilligan calls the binary? These human qualities are feminine. A good man has none of them. These human qualities are masculine. A good woman has none of them. And it's what Olga Silverstein called the having process. You take a whole human being, you draw a line down the middle, half of humanity say goodbye to. That is not healthy. That's not good for anybody. So vulnerability, for example. What we do, the way we quote unquote turn boys into men under patriarchy is through disconnection. We teach them to disconnect from their feelings.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“More invulnerable you are, the more manly you are, the more vulnerable you are, the more girl you are, and that is not a good thing. And of course, we both know there's been a huge resurgence, you know, a backlash. Don't tell us we're bad people. I'm not talking about not being powerful.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“It is what it is. So let me talk about what I mean. And then we can talk about the marketing of it. I make a distinction between what I call political patriarchy and psychological patriarchy. Political patriarchy is the oppression of women by men all over the globe and is deadly in some cultures. It's a very real thing. Psychological patriarchy. Is basically traditional masculinity writ large double back. But psychological patriarchy, traditional masculinity Listen up, is a system that does damage to everybody. Everybody and does deep, deep damage to our relationships. What do I mean by that? Let me just take traditional masculinity. The essence of traditional masculinity under patriarchy the overarching system is invulnerability.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“We like to do trauma work with your partner sitting next to you, and we're unique in that. And I got to tell you, I've argued against what I call toxic individualism in this culture, and psychotherapy is up to its eyeballs in supporting individualism and supporting patriarchy.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“As opposed to you remove the coping mechanism and oh my God, I'm so much better. However, you can cut out the middle piece, depression, but 99 out of 100, you go from sobriety to trauma. You have to deal with the underlying trauma. My great mentor, P.M. Melody, a great legend in the 12-step community ran the meadows for 70 years. First the addiction, then the personality issues, and then underlying childhood trauma. If you don't deal with the underlying trauma, it's going to be hard for that person to stay sober.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“It's really simple. When the person starts to get sober, do they get depressed? And the depression that they get looks just like psychiatric depression.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“We cut off half of our humanity. The feelings, the vulnerability, connection, really in some ways the most rich, nourishing parts of what it means to be a human. And that cutoff, which is imposed on boys. I have story after story. That cutoff is traumatic. And it also renders you isolated and lonely. So there's a lot of trauma that trauma becomes depression, that depression becomes acting out of self-medication. And if you really want to heal someone, you hit all three layers. First, the defenses, then the depression, then the childhood trauma.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“When they settle down and move into some level of sobriety, then the underlying depression comes to you. You don't even have to go after it. It comes up. I say the cure for a covert depression is an overt depression. Once the pain comes up, you deal with it. But I think part of the reason why that book has lasted for 30 years is there's a third piece, which is not only do men express depression differently, but the ideology is different. Girls and women get depressed because they famously lose their voices and blame themselves and turn inward. Boys and men get depressed because of what I call normal boyhood trauma under patriarchy. We are taught at three four five years old to deny our vulnerability, to disconnect from our feelings, to disconnect from others, all in the name of autonomy.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Forgive me, I can't be you know the joke. Your terminal, I want a second opinion. Okay, you're ugly. It's like, okay, the bad news is you're addicted. And the worst news is underneath the addiction you got a depression. Lucky guy gets a dual diagnosis. Unlucky guy gets one or the other if you stumble into an addictions person, they'll clean up your addiction, but they won't deal with them. If you go to a psychiatrist, they'll give you meds for your depression, but you're drinking like a fish. First, you have to deal with the defenses.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“When I wrote that book, it's 30 years old. It's selling as well as my new books, by the way. It's really been a keeper. Depression was seen as a woman's disease. And I argued against that. And what I said is that a lot of men have the same kind of depression that we normally think of. I call it overt depression. But a lot of men, unlike women, have what I call covert depression. You don't see the depression. You see what the man is doing to defend against the depression. And many of the problems we think of as typically male may be fueled by depression. So self-medication, rage, philandering, radical withdrawal, all of these may be symptom of an underlying depression. A lucky guy gets what we call a dual diagnosis.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“First of all, for those who haven't, please read Peter's book Out Live. It's great. In the last chapter is about his work with me and Esther Perel about his own psychological work. And also, if I may, Peter had a podcast that we did together, and he talked about his work with me. It was very moving. So look those two things up. Male depression.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Acting out of their violence or sexual acting out. We will not take couples if there's domestic violence. You go off to a safety program, you go off to a perpetrator program. I don't ask people to tell the truth to power if it's dangerous. Safety for about the others, sexual acting out, addictions, psychiatric disorders, RLT therapists will meet with the couple, but only to talk about the issues. What are you going to do about your depression? What are you going to do about your womanizing? How are we going to settle this? The idea is it would be bullshit for me to pretend that I can help you and your partner get closer while you're still engaged in this stuff. So sobriety first. I will meet with the couple, but to deal with what you're not dealing with. Then we can work On your relationship.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Yeah, let me see a little oomph here. I mean, that's what I call micro coaching. And we roll up our sleeves and get right next to you and teach you how to do it better. We call them preconditions. Addiction, acting out, psychiatric conditions”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Now never, never do that. I never confront somebody and then let them swing in the wind. I'm always right next to you telling you, okay, this is what you do that ain't working. Let me take your hand and teach you what does work. And that's different than a lot of other therapies. We roll up our sleeves and get granular. Tim, this isn't you. I'm just, do you notice that your face is kind of frozen when you talk and you speak in a monotone and your wife is out of her mind right now because nobody's ever said this to you, but she's bored as hell next to you. This is what I want you to do as we learn for you to start speaking about your feelings. I want you to go like this with your face.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I got bad and good news. If you don't do this work, you're going to do some version of what God done to you, to them. You want to do that? Would you like to be a better father than the one you grew up with? Okay, well, you got to let me help you. And a lot of, particularly men who won't do, it's hard work, this work. They won't do it for themselves. They won't do it for their witty wives. They will do it to spare their children. So I get buy-in, and it's a combination of this is what's going to happen to you if you don't change, and this is what could happen for you if you do. Here's the consequence, here's the reward.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“It's so carrot and stick. I talk about leverage, negative and positive leverage. Tim, your partner is saying you this, this, and this. She's pretty fed up. Are you fed up, partner of Tim? Yeah, I'm fed up. How fed up are you exactly? Do you believe her? Why should he believe you? And what I'm doing is I'm amplifying the negative consequences. They're they are, but you're not looking at them. So my first move is to empower your partner to be firm and speak up to you. And I use that as leverage to get your interest. So this is the negative thing that I can help you avoid. And here's the positive thing I can deliver. Would you like a happier, warmer, sexier partner? Okay. And if you have kids, this is a big one. ATM, what kind of father did you have? What kind of father do you want to be”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Not trust yourself. I would only trust a professional. If there's a Massive difference in the maturity level of the two people, the evolution of the two people, the immaturity of the unevolved one will start to feel too painful to the more mature one and they should leave and find a different partner.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“With you and be an ally and take that person on. Okay, deal breakers. Basically, do they want to work or not? If you want to work and they don't, You could be done. And that could be an addiction, could be sexual acting out, could be anger, could be lying, could be withholding and passive aggression. But if you're not getting what you want, and the truth of the matter is your partner isn't going to do the work of giving you more of what you want, you're done. And there are a lot of variations on that. Obviously, If somebody's got an active addiction and they don't want to work on it, I would not. And people do. People go to Al-Anon and manage, but I'd prefer you break up. If somebody's a rager or mistreating you, if they violate contracts, particularly monogamy, if they're chronic liars, and if they have an untreated psychiatric condition, anxiety, depression. And then this is interesting. And I would really”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Am I getting enough in this relationship to make the pain of what's missing okay with me? And if the answer is yes, it is okay, then stop whining and embrace what's good. You know, work the change to get more, but embrace what's good and stop walking around like a big angry victim. If the answer is no, it's not enough, then do something about it. Lean in and fight. And if it doesn't work, drag your partner to hopefully an RLT therapist. They're the ones I believe in, and get an ally and get some help. And if that doesn't work, you're done. So, okay. So in answering the question, what's a deal breaker? Let me be clear. Deal breakers come only after you've dragged your partner to a couple therapists and one that actually helps. And you know, you've heard me say, I don't think most do, but get one that will.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Let me get it right. You can follow me at allsocials at Capital Are Real, Capital T, Terry, Capital R Real. So at Real Terry Real, you can go to my website, Terryreal.com. Anyway, so I have an article about this. Should I stay or should I go? And the tool I use is what I call a relational reckoning. Is the question you ask yourself? Here's the question. Am I getting enough in this relationship to make grieving what I'm not getting worth my while? Let me say that again.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“What is it about the t-shirt that was so upsetting to you? And then, okay, so you think it was disrespectful. Did I get that right? It's like, I know you're a nut. I know that Russians didn't put germs in the ventilating system, but I want to understand you. Look, I'm sorry that hurt your feelings. I didn't mean to be overly informal. And then if you really want an A+ Really parking your ego at the door. I can understand how you might feel like that. And really what it is, is I can understand Pran thinking the nutty things you think if you think that way that you would feel like that. So give it to them. Be generous. I can understand how you might feel like that. Is there something I could say or do that would help you feel better?”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“The paranoid who's crouched under the desk because the Russians have put germs in the ventilating system knows that we're all going to die. And if you knew that there were germs, you'd be under there with them. No one doesn't make sense to themselves. They don't make sense to you. So let go of you and see if you can enter into the world of the person. When you show up to our interview with a t-shirt, these are the rules of speaking. I make up. We teach people to say what I make up is no objective reality. What I make up is you have a very casual feeling about this interview. Don't you know that you're talking to the great Terry Real? How about a little formality? I feel really insulted. Oh, yeah, you're sitting there going, fuck you. Give me a break. If we were partners, you would take a breath and you would go, okay, help me understand.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Well, we both know you're a nut. Let's investigate exactly what kind of nut you are. Let's get curious. And actually, let's get compassion. You know, one of the things I say is no one's a nut to themselves.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Who says that? And then if anything short of jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge, give it to him. Be generous. Those are the basics. I could be more specific.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I like to say to him, you're at the customer service window. Somebody comes to customer service window and says, my microwave doesn't work. They don't want to hear you say, well, my toaster doesn't work. They don't want your excuses. Fix the goddamn microwave. Tend to your partner and bring them back into repair with you. Tend to them. Put yourself aside and 10 to them. What does that look like? Two things. First, do I get it? Listen. Don't argue, don't rebut. Empty the well. I'm sorry you feel bad. That's beautiful. Compassion. I'm sorry you feel bad. I love you. I don't want you to feel bad. Help me understand what feels bad. What's it like for you? Okay, then you reflect. This is what I hear you say that I get it. Yeah, good enough. Good. Two. Is there something I could say or do right now that would be helpful? What would you like?”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“First of all, I like to say I have a number of bitter pills to swallow. But if you swallow them, things will be a lot better in your life. And here's one of them. Repair is a one-way street. Everybody gets that wrong. It's not a dialogue. It's not, well, these are your issues with me. Well, these are my issues with you. No. You have your turn, but not then. Take turns. So if you have a disgruntled partner, you are at their service. That's the first thing to master”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Okay, I'll teach you how to get through it, but it's part of the deal for many of it. And here's what I like to say. I've been going around the world talking about normal marital hatred for, oh my God, what? 30 years. This is true. Not one person has ever come backstage and said, Terry, what do you mean by that? It's okay, kids. Don't sweat it. You can get through it. It's normal. Relax.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Deal with reality, you know, the father of couples therapy back in the 50s said the day you turn to the person who's next to you, it was assumed it was your marriage, and you say, this is a mistake I've been had. This is not the person I fell in love with. That said Framo is the first day of your real marriage. So here's what I want to say about disharmony. Ready? It hurts. It's dark. You can really, really feel like, what the hell did I get myself into? This is such a disappointment. And guess what? Your partner's probably feeling that about you too. So I talk about normal marital hatred when you're in that dark phase. You hate your partner. That's okay. Don't kill yourself or her.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Our culture doesn't teach it. Our culture doesn't even acknowledge a good relationship is all harmony. Just like a good body is your good body is like a 20-year-old's body, a good sex life is like what you had when you were two weeks into the relationship. No, all harm is bullshit. Bullshit. One of the things I like about you, Tim, is you tell the truth. You know what? You go to a cocktail party and you're, oh, there's Harry and Shirley. They're in their 80s. They still have sex. They love each other. One of these days I like to go to a cocktail party in here. There's Harry and Shirley. They actually split up for a year. He fell in love with another woman. He couldn't take it because she was such a drunk, but then she got into AA and got sober. And the two of them are really doing reasonably well, aren't they cute? Just once. I'd like to hear that. So we don't...”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“I got this from Edttronic Infant Observational Researcher. Ed along with Barry Brasleton was the first generation. You know, since Freud, what we said about child development all came from listening to adults. We didn't watch any kids. And he was one of the first people to actually plunk a video camera in front of mothers and infants and then fathers and infants and actually look at what happens. And what he came up with I borrowed and it's central to RLT, which is the essential rhythm of all relationships is harmony, disharmony, and repair. Closeness disruption and a return to closeness. That's where the skills come in, how to move.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Tell me if this is geotechnical bullshit. Actually, I'm sorry, but I have another story. One of my clients told me this is two stories. He said, on his wedding day, and I say this, no offense, but particularly for men. On his wedding day, his father-in-law said, let's go for what? Okay. He says, son, I got two things for you to master. Your master, just these two things, your marriage is going to be great. So, okay, pops, I'll buy. What's your guy? He goes, you're really sorry and you're going to work on it.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“To do is the disgruntled one. I did it. It's not the first time I've done it. Tay, the kids and I were waiting for you. You knew dinner was at seven. You come walting in at 7.45. You don't call. You don't text. It was really rude. You're right. I did that. And I can be late as an issue. We know that. And when I do that, I'm being thoughtless. I get caught up in the moment and I stop thinking about the impact I'm having. And that's really kind of selfish of me. I do have some selfish tendencies. I'm working on it. Holy shit. Now that's an apology. So if your partner outs you, you did it before you often do it. You never, you're always as terrible. But if you out you, oh my God, your partner's going, wow, there's hope. This is great. It's a funny thing.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Functional moves in a car make the car go. Dysfunctional moves stop it. Functional moves in a relationship empower the other guy to give you what you want. Dysfunctional moves render them helpless. So what we do, because we're trying to get heard, is we go, you did this, and last week you did that. And 10 years ago, you did that, and you always and you never. The normal escalation is from this moment to trend to character. And I teach people to stay particular and not do that because every move up that ladder renders the person you're speaking to more helpless. And they're either just going to get mad or leave. You did it. You always, you never, you are a slob. Okay. All right. So stay particular. If you're the disgruntled one. But if you've been confronted, B is, yes, I did it. Here's an A. You walk up the same ladder I'm telling you not.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“Subjective experience. They're nuts. Okay, but find out what kind of nut they are. Nut feels bad, honey. Help me understand who sounds like that. But that makes peace. And then when they tell you you did this, you did this, you did this, acknowledge it. Don't deny it. Don't minimize it. Don't rationalize. Yeah, but that's not an apology, yeah, but I did it. Land on it. And if you really want to get slick, here's the deal, right? This is the advanced course. You went right to the PhD. Here's what I want you to notice. Generally speaking, functional moves in a relationship are moves that empower your partner to come through for you. Nobody gets this.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“All of us, when someone we care about confronts us with something difficult, we move into two orientations. The first is objective reality. Well, that's true. That's not true. That's accurate. Well, you've got to understand that. And then we argue in our heads it's not out of our mouths. We don't listen. We rebut. And then the second orientation we all go to is ourselves. I can't believe I have to put up with this. Belinda, I was just on the road telling thousands of people how to love each other and I come home and this is, okay, let go of objective reality. Let go of you and take a breath. And I want everybody to write this one down. Enter into compassionate curiosity about your partner's subjective experience. Let me say it again. Compassion and curiosity about your partner's”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“This is A step in the critical process of repair. And either in this one or you invite me back, I would love to lay out some skills. You know, we did the losing strategies. I want to do some of the winning. And he was a skill that's part of repair. First of all, look.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“After one session with me, true story Her to him honey start with that, changing energy. Honey, I know you love me Right or wrong Maybe I'm overly nervous of whatever see she just takes the whole battle off the table by talking subjectively Maybe I'm overly nervous nevertheless when you tailgate and you go switch lanes and you speed up I get crazy I get scared now when you're driving on your own I worry but it's your life When I'm next to you don't really want me sitting here being terrified the whole time What might have been a fight that lasted 40 years is done in 15 minutes because it moves out of objective, who's the authority, who's right, who's wrong, what's fair, what's unfair, and it becomes relational. We're a team. You love me as a favor to me, could you? Sure. New world. New world and new tools.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“It doesn't work. So let me give you an example of the New World. There's a true story. Okay? Totally heteronormative. Heard of him. You're a reckless driver. Him to her, you're overly nervous. How many of us have been through this one? And everybody starts marshaling their evidence and arguing their case. No, you're nervous. You're nervous about this. No, no, you're reckless. You tailgate. Okay, that's an objectivity. Who's right? Who's wrong?”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“To the fact that I'm in it, I'm not above it, then all the rules change. Who's right, who's wrong, who cares? So objectivity battle. Here's the bitter pill. Objectivity has no place in personal relations. I'm sorry. The relational answer or ecological answer, there are two ways of saying the same thing. The relational answer to who's right and who's wrong is who gives a shit. What matters is how are you and I going to work this thing in a way that's going to work for us. And proving who's right and who's wrong is not the way to do that. Look, I've been married 40 years. When my wife and I have a disagreement over accuracy, who remembered it correctly? Whose feelings are more valid? You know, she's a very difficult person, Belinda. And she has this nasty way of thinking she's right and I'm wrong. I don't know why she does that.”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT
“We breathe them. You're an ecosystem. You can pollute your biosphere with a temper tantrum over here, but your partner will retaliate with cold distance over here. There's no escape. You're linked. And the idea that you're not linked is diluted. So once you wake up,”
2025-05-08 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #810: Terry Real — The Therapist Who Breaks All The Rules · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT