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Dr. Becky Kennedy

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2024-12-26
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2024-12-26
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  1. “Three books, I guess, that are top of mind would be, yes, Dick Schwartz's No Bad Parts or Just His Internal Family Systems book. I mean, he knows I've been very influenced by him. And when I work with adults and therapy. And to me, some of the best gifts and privileges kind of we can give our kids is helping them understand the parts of themselves and talk to their parts as kids. Like when I hear my kids do that, I always think this is going to help you more when you go to college than anything you learn. school, it's crazy. So ifs. Eve Rodsky's book Fair Play.”

    2024-12-26 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #784: Dr. Becky Kennedy — Parenting Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids, Plus Word-for-Word Scripts for Repairing Relationships, Setting Boundaries, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  2. “Circumstances, but sometimes the best thing to do is just sit with it. And that is something I think I have worked on in myself even, you know, through working on it with my kids.”

    2024-12-26 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #784: Dr. Becky Kennedy — Parenting Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids, Plus Word-for-Word Scripts for Repairing Relationships, Setting Boundaries, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  3. “All during COVID, in terms of, I think, one of the reasons I probably, in some way, people say, Oh, you were there for me in COVID and I produced so much content is I just like needed something to do because the pause of that, the slowness, that like there's not a lot to do to fix this. You just kind of have to be in it. It's really, really hard for me. Another example of that is, you know, I think about my kids and they're now 7, 10, and 13. So, you know, each of them, they go through these stages and, you know, maybe some social shifts or harder stages. And I think I talk so much about sitting with feelings and not fixing them because my first instinct, for sure, is to just go in and make better, make them happy. And that is something, again, the parallel process of like learning to just sit with my own feelings. All of us who can be prone to action, there's like morality to it. It's like a better, you know, thing. And it can be better in some.”

    2024-12-26 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #784: Dr. Becky Kennedy — Parenting Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids, Plus Word-for-Word Scripts for Repairing Relationships, Setting Boundaries, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  4. “I think I'm short term pessimistic. Yes, long term optimistic. And what I mean by that is I love a plan. I love an action. People outside of me will be like, Becky is one of the most productive people I know. And I think that's probably true on the surface, but the driver of that is I'm incredibly anxious when I want to do something and haven't yet done it, that the way I relieve my own anxiety is just to do it. So it looks productive, but it's probably just an anxiety coping skill. And what that means is when I want to do something or there's a struggle and I can't get action on it, I have a really hard time.”

    2024-12-26 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #784: Dr. Becky Kennedy — Parenting Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids, Plus Word-for-Word Scripts for Repairing Relationships, Setting Boundaries, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  5. “It's a great segue, and that is true. Where my husband said to me when I, you know, I turn the pandemic, I kind of started this whole part of my career. And I kind of versed in these like creative thoughts where I became much less organized. And I had all this creativity. And at the same time, the pandemic was very hard to me. And this relates to one thing that's hard for me in parenting and one of the things I talk about a lot. So people probably think I'm good at it, but I talk about it all the time. So I'm bad at it. That's why anybody talks about things all the time. Where he's like, wow, I think I didn't marry like a very logical optimist. I think I married like a creative pessimist.”

    2024-12-26 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #784: Dr. Becky Kennedy — Parenting Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids, Plus Word-for-Word Scripts for Repairing Relationships, Setting Boundaries, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  6. “It's amazing their countenance goes from like so angry at their four year old to like they're like, oh, they're probably scared of my reaction. Okay. And then eventually like, what do I do? But the mindset we're in in life determines the interventions we use. And I can promise you, as long as you're in an LGI mindset with your kid, with your partner, with your colleague, zero productive things can happen. And then we say, what do I do? What do I do? The answer is to stop doing from that mindset and ask yourself a different question to get in a more productive mindset and then intervene from there.”

    2024-12-26 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #784: Dr. Becky Kennedy — Parenting Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids, Plus Word-for-Word Scripts for Repairing Relationships, Setting Boundaries, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  7. “Before dinner, and they like chocolate all over. And it's just so easy. You just go to like my kid is a sociopath, my kid doesn't respect me. You're like, well, my kid ate a kit kat. And like all of a sudden, this is a matter of like respecting me, right? Or, you know, my kid is hitting. They're in a hitting stage. And again, we just go to, my kid is never going to have any friends. My kid is clingy. They're always going to be the loser at parties and they're never going to be able to converse with anyone. And then what happens and why the LGI is so almost dangerous is it makes us do this fast forward error. We take a situation today. We fast forward to what that means about our kid. I don't know, 20 years from now. And then we respond in the moment based on all of that fear rather than what's just going on in the moment. And MGI really shakes us out of that. What is the most generous interpretation of why my kid would lie to my face? Whenever I ask parents that”

    2024-12-26 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #784: Dr. Becky Kennedy — Parenting Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids, Plus Word-for-Word Scripts for Repairing Relationships, Setting Boundaries, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  8. “we gonna do about it i'd be like what do you mean just think about it i really don't love thoughts without actions i just like to know okay well what do i do how do i action on this great idea and to me this idea that your kid all of us we are good inside identity separate from behavior it's a very powerful idea but i don't find it as actionable as i would like so to me the way to action on that idea is this idea of mgi and to me this is something in all of our relationships even if it's just after the fact at the end of the day we can ask ourselves an mgi just stands for most generous interpretation what is the most generous interpretation i can come up with of my kids behavior of my colleagues behavior my teammates behavior because i think what happens naturally is we default to the lgi the least generous interpretation so you see your kid they lie to your face once no i didn't take kit kats from i didn't”

    2024-12-26 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #784: Dr. Becky Kennedy — Parenting Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids, Plus Word-for-Word Scripts for Repairing Relationships, Setting Boundaries, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  9. “I love a good acronym So when I was in my clinical psychology PhD program, I'd always hear these amazing people speak, and I'd go with my classmates to be like, that was amazing. And I say, yes, it's amazing.”

    2024-12-26 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #784: Dr. Becky Kennedy — Parenting Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids, Plus Word-for-Word Scripts for Repairing Relationships, Setting Boundaries, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  10. “It's your responsibility, exactly. And the other thing is, I think when we become parents, it's not just like our kids' problems are our fault or our problems, but I see a much more hopeful framework where through your kids, if you want to take this on as a journey, you will learn everything you ever needed to know about yourself, your own childhood, by the way, you watch your partner's childhood play out. You're like, oh, that's how you were raised. I see it now. And there's so much learning, right? And that's hard. Learning is hard. Growth is hard. It is kind of this amazing opportunity rather than my kids problem being my fault or my problem be like there is an opportunity for everyone here”

    2024-12-26 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #784: Dr. Becky Kennedy — Parenting Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids, Plus Word-for-Word Scripts for Repairing Relationships, Setting Boundaries, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  11. “And my son said, I think he was, I don't even know, eight at the time, he goes, you know, sometimes bad things happen and it's nobody's fault. And I think for parents, this is always true. Like when your kid is really struggling, is it kid's fault? Is it a parent's fault? I feel like we're obsessed with fault. Why is it anybody's kind of fault? I always say to parents, it's not your fault your kid struggling the way they are. Fault's just not a useful framework. You are the leader of your home. And if all the associates in some big company, you know, were struggling, I don't think you would start an intervention at the associate level. Leadership would say, okay, it's not our fault, but like we're the leaders. So what are we going to do?”

    2024-12-26 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #784: Dr. Becky Kennedy — Parenting Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids, Plus Word-for-Word Scripts for Repairing Relationships, Setting Boundaries, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  12. “My oldest son said something once that I don't think he meant to be as profound, but it's something that sticks with me a lot. And it goes kind of problem blame where we're in a situation in the car and essentially my husband thought my son had closed the door and he didn't and kind of backed out the car and the car got caught in the garage, the door anyway. And he kind of said to me, my son, and my son just said, it's not my fault. And my husband said, So it's my fault”

    2024-12-26 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #784: Dr. Becky Kennedy — Parenting Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids, Plus Word-for-Word Scripts for Repairing Relationships, Setting Boundaries, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  13. “What I love about that. It captures something that's so much more true. Than why most people initially come to us. They come to us because their kids are having tantrums, their kids aren't sleeping, their kids are being rude, their kids are being defiant. And what they end up getting is they themselves get rewiring to be sturdier in the world while they learn how to give that to their kids from the start. So I think that that's close.”

    2024-12-26 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #784: Dr. Becky Kennedy — Parenting Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids, Plus Word-for-Word Scripts for Repairing Relationships, Setting Boundaries, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  14. “The time. They get upset and it actually allows you to do the second part of your job. So I pick my kid up, they scream, no, put me down, I hate you, whatever they say in the state. And then I can say, oh, you really want to jump on the couch. You really don't want to jump on the floor. It's so boring. Again, when I say that, that doesn't mean for one instant that I let my kid back on the couch what they will try to do, and my hands will be ready to block them. Nope, I'm not going to let you do that. This is where I think it really is this revolutionary idea in any relationship. I can be equally strong and equally connected to someone else. And that's true sturdiness and really doing our job.”

    2024-12-26 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #784: Dr. Becky Kennedy — Parenting Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids, Plus Word-for-Word Scripts for Repairing Relationships, Setting Boundaries, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  15. “Parents' job visual, you set a boundary. Every time you set a boundary, your kids are going to get upset until they get a little more used to it. But that's because when you set a boundary, you're basically just telling your kid you can't do something you want to do. Humans feel upset when they're stopped from doing things they want to do.”

    2024-12-26 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #784: Dr. Becky Kennedy — Parenting Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids, Plus Word-for-Word Scripts for Repairing Relationships, Setting Boundaries, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  16. “You up now. I'm going to put them on the ground. They will not look at you and say, Thank you for your sturdy leadership. You're so amazing. I really needed that. Thank you for saying, no, they will scream. But actually, when you understand this kind of”

    2024-12-26 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #784: Dr. Becky Kennedy — Parenting Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids, Plus Word-for-Word Scripts for Repairing Relationships, Setting Boundaries, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  17. “Verses, and this surprises people because too often I think good inside we get lumped in with like soft permissive parenting. This is 0% permissive. Setting a boundary and validating my kids' feelings, being sturdy would sound like this. Once I tell my kid, hey, get off the couch. They don't. I'd say, look, I'm going to walk over to you. And if by the time I get there, you're not off the couch. I will put my arms around you. I'll pick you up. I'll put you on the floor because my number one job is to keep you safe and it's just not safe to, you know, jump near that glass table. Okay. Now in my own house, when my kids were younger, I go over to my kid and people have this illusion. So you do this and then your kid just gets off the couch. No, no, they don't. You do this. You get over there if you have a normal child. They're going to look you in the eye and keep jumping up and down, not because I don't respect you, just because I haven't learned how to control their impulses yet. So then I would do my job. I would put my arm. Okay.”

    2024-12-26 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #784: Dr. Becky Kennedy — Parenting Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids, Plus Word-for-Word Scripts for Repairing Relationships, Setting Boundaries, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  18. “To me, my definition of boundaries boundaries are things you tell people you will do, and they require the other person to do nothing. That's a really important dual kind of definition. It's something I tell, let's say it's my kid, although it could be your colleague or anyone. It's what I tell my kid I will do. That's an assertion of my power. It's what I will do. I'm not letting my day be ruined by my four-year-old not listening. I just like myself and my kid too much to do that. So boundary is something I tell my kid I will do, and its success requires my kid to do nothing. Get off the couch, get off the couch. I'm not telling my kid what I will do. And it requires them to do something to be successful. It's a complete giving away of your power.”

    2024-12-26 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #784: Dr. Becky Kennedy — Parenting Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids, Plus Word-for-Word Scripts for Repairing Relationships, Setting Boundaries, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  19. “So let's start. I can't even answer that without saying what's a boundary because that paran I would say is not setting boundaries. And this is true separate from kids.”

    2024-12-26 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #784: Dr. Becky Kennedy — Parenting Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids, Plus Word-for-Word Scripts for Repairing Relationships, Setting Boundaries, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  20. “Sounds like a mess. Right, it's a mess So, number one, I would say, what is your job? Again, I think they would say, I'm doing my job. I'm trying to get my kid off the couch. But you're asking your kid to do your job for you. You're watching your kid not able to make a good decision. This is your kid who you like. And instead of helping them be safe, you're asking them to do something they're showing you they can't do.”

    2024-12-26 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #784: Dr. Becky Kennedy — Parenting Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids, Plus Word-for-Word Scripts for Repairing Relationships, Setting Boundaries, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  21. “Other side is always seeing the good kid under the bad behavior and connecting to my kid in that way. Here's a good example. I hear all the time, my kid doesn't listen to anything. My kid doesn't listen to anything I say, for example. My kid is jumping on the couch, right near a glass table. I get off the couch. Stop jumping on the couch. And they don't listen. I say stop jumping on the couch. And then I say, if you don't get off the couch by the time I count to three, I'm going to take away your dessert. And then I don't really take away the dessert because I don't want to melt down later that night. Like this is so common.”

    2024-12-26 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #784: Dr. Becky Kennedy — Parenting Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids, Plus Word-for-Word Scripts for Repairing Relationships, Setting Boundaries, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  22. “Almost always, our jobs are those two things setting boundaries. Boundaries are limits we set, their decisions we make, and sometimes especially when our kids are younger, they're truly their physical. They're stopping my kid from running into the street or picking my kid up and leaving the park because they're having a meltdown, even though my kid doesn't want to be doing that. Those are boundaries.”

    2024-12-26 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #784: Dr. Becky Kennedy — Parenting Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids, Plus Word-for-Word Scripts for Repairing Relationships, Setting Boundaries, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  23. “Well, I think every parent wants to do a good job. But over and over when I talk to parents and their kids are tantering all the time and they're rude, whatever it is, I'll say to them, what is your job in this situation? And all of them say, I have no idea. But again, I go to the workplace and I imagine someone at Good Inside, like as a company showing up and me as CEO saying, I do a good job today and them saying, but I don't have a job description. And I'd be like, do a good job. Becky, I cannot do a good job if I don't know what my job is. And I need to know what that person's job is. So I know what they're doing versus what I'm doing. That's totally fair. So I think as a parent, if you don't know what your job is, you can't do a good job. And what role confusion, what I mean by that is, number one, you don't have clarity on your job. Any parent listening to this, if you think about any tricky situation, my kid's rude, my kid's not sleeping, my kid's lying, what is my job in the situation? If you don't know that with clarity, that's at least your starting point.”

    2024-12-26 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #784: Dr. Becky Kennedy — Parenting Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids, Plus Word-for-Word Scripts for Repairing Relationships, Setting Boundaries, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  24. “That's not an option, sweetie. You can have a waffle, you can have cereal, let me know when you want to make a decision. And when I model that, parent will say it's not working. It's not working. I'm like, what do you mean it's not working? Well, my kid still screams. I'm just thinking about my pilot saying my announcement didn't work. My passengers are still scared of the turbulence. Can you imagine who cares in a way that they're still scared? Their reaction is not a barometer for whether you are doing a good job and defining it that way can get into real role confusion, can get us into a lot of trouble.”

    2024-12-26 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #784: Dr. Becky Kennedy — Parenting Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids, Plus Word-for-Word Scripts for Repairing Relationships, Setting Boundaries, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  25. “Scares you do not scare me. And so I'm going to get off the loudspeaker and go back to piloting the plane and I'll see you on the ground in Los Angeles. And with crazies, I think you think about a passenger in that situation. And I'm going to guess even if the turbulence was the same, they feel calmer. Because what a sturdy leader really does is they say to you, I see what's happening for you. I see your feelings as real and your feelings don't overwhelm me. There's a boundary. I can see yours as real and connect to them while I can maintain a separate connection for myself and there's kind of this cockpit between us. That's like saying to your kid, oh, you know, they're having a meltdown because you say no to ice cream for breakfast, right? And you say, oh, he really wanted ice cream for breakfast. I get it. It's so yummy.”

    2024-12-26 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #784: Dr. Becky Kennedy — Parenting Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids, Plus Word-for-Word Scripts for Repairing Relationships, Setting Boundaries, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  26. “My overwhelm became your overwhelm and you just melted in front of me. That is so scary. The pilot we want to hear is the sturdy leader, and they'd probably say something like this. I hear you screaming. That makes sense. It's very turbulent. And I've done this a million times. I know what I'm doing.”

    2024-12-26 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #784: Dr. Becky Kennedy — Parenting Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids, Plus Word-for-Word Scripts for Repairing Relationships, Setting Boundaries, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  27. “Reassuring The invalidation there as a passenger for me almost makes me worried. Does the pilot not know it's turbulent? And oh my goodness, me screaming and being scared? is enough to make the pilot kind of freak out at me like that actually doesn't feel good it feels like I was contagious to the pilot and they couldn't handle the situation okay that's pilot one that's like when we say to our kids if you don't listen to me the next time you're losing dessert you're so rude you can't hit your sister and you ruin every family vacation whatever we kind of just scream at our kids and we threaten things that by the way we never follow up on and we just dole out punishment because we don't really know what to do that's pilot one pilot two is almost the opposite extreme like everyone's scared and it is you're right it is really turbulent and i don't know i'm just gonna open up the cockpit door and if any of you know how to pilot the plane just come on in and take over and at this point you're no longer scared of turbulence and you're just terrified that this person is your pilot right because there's this merger”

    2024-12-26 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #784: Dr. Becky Kennedy — Parenting Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids, Plus Word-for-Word Scripts for Repairing Relationships, Setting Boundaries, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  28. “So I'm definitely not a pilot. You know, you're a passenger on a flight and there's, let's say, a lot of turbulence and you're very scared and maybe even you look around and everyone's pretty scared. I think there's three versions of a pilot that you might hear come over the loudspeaker. And I actually think they perfectly exemplify three different versions of parenting. So here's pilot one. Everyone stop screaming. You're making a big deal out of nothing and I can't focus and you ruin everything and you're just gonna all have your frequent flyer miles taken away if you keep screaming something like that.”

    2024-12-26 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #784: Dr. Becky Kennedy — Parenting Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids, Plus Word-for-Word Scripts for Repairing Relationships, Setting Boundaries, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  29. “Yes, I think sometimes the best way to do it is actually in this pilot metaphor. Can I do that first? And then I'll come to a”

    2024-12-26 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #784: Dr. Becky Kennedy — Parenting Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids, Plus Word-for-Word Scripts for Repairing Relationships, Setting Boundaries, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  30. “I think there's a couple ways. I think it's a leader who is equally boundaried as they are connected to you. They're actually equally as connected to themselves. What do I want? What are my values? What are my limitations as they are able to connect to you? Oh, you might be different, but I'm able to hear and understand your values and wants and feelings. And to me, the way that can get kind of operationalized as a kind of really set of skills is you know how to set boundaries and I think most people get boundaries completely wrong. So I know how to set and hold boundaries. And at the same time, I'm able to connect to and validate other people's emotional experiences. Those are the two pillars of sturdy leadership.”

    2024-12-26 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #784: Dr. Becky Kennedy — Parenting Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids, Plus Word-for-Word Scripts for Repairing Relationships, Setting Boundaries, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  31. “I love the word sturdy. Like there's certain words I love because even though I'm a psychologist and I have a lot of words to say, I actually think very visually and to me the words that make sense evoke an emotion that I can access, the word sturdy just does that for me. And again, I think sturdy leadership is what we want in a CEO. It's what we want in a partner. It's what we want in a coach. It's definitely what we want in a pilot.”

    2024-12-26 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #784: Dr. Becky Kennedy — Parenting Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids, Plus Word-for-Word Scripts for Repairing Relationships, Setting Boundaries, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  32. “When I think about my kids going into the world, what's more important than feeling like I can be capable in a wide range, not very narrow, bubbled cushion range of situations?”

    2024-12-26 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #784: Dr. Becky Kennedy — Parenting Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids, Plus Word-for-Word Scripts for Repairing Relationships, Setting Boundaries, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  33. “I have to sometimes use hyperbolic language with myself to really get me to do something that's hard, but I think good for my kids. Like I see my kid, you know, who's left out of a social event or who, oh, got the school project in a group where all of his friends are together and my kid is the only one, not with his friends. Or my kid is struggling to do a puzzle. And one of the things I say to myself is Becky, do not deprive my child of finding their capability. Do not steal it. Do not steal their capability. A kid doesn't feel capable. when they do something easy. A kid doesn't even feel capable when they're doing something hard. Kids develop capability after watching themselves survive something that was really difficult and just get through it. And so if I say to my kid, I'll call the school and I'll switch the school group for you. Oh, I'll do that puzzle for you because I just don't want to deal with you having a meltdown. Not once, but over and over, I'm actually stealing their capability. Capability really is the antidote to anxiety. And going forward,”

    2024-12-26 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #784: Dr. Becky Kennedy — Parenting Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids, Plus Word-for-Word Scripts for Repairing Relationships, Setting Boundaries, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  34. “Yes. Anyway. A lot of relationships. You end up having adults who are remarkably anxious. So prioritizing happiness for kids leads to adulthood full of a ton of anxiety”

    2024-12-26 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #784: Dr. Becky Kennedy — Parenting Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids, Plus Word-for-Word Scripts for Repairing Relationships, Setting Boundaries, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  35. “Because I just think my kids are going to be out of my house for way longer than they're in my house. They're going to choose whether they want to be in a relationship with me, way longer than they're locked into a relationship with me. And however high the stakes feel when they're eight and ten and seventeen, we know the stakes in life just get higher. And so when we think about making our kids happy, what we're actually saying is I am prioritizing my kids short-term ease. I am making my kids' life easy and comfortable in the short term. And what ends up happening, not when you do that a couple times, but as a pattern, is you actually narrow the range of emotions kids believe they can cope with.”

    2024-12-26 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #784: Dr. Becky Kennedy — Parenting Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids, Plus Word-for-Word Scripts for Repairing Relationships, Setting Boundaries, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  36. “We think in these extremes. We see that in all areas, and holding two things as true, we're holding nuance is increasingly hard in this world, which is why it's even more important to kind of have some of these ideas in our homes. Use the word optimizing, and I think about that a lot. So zooming out against kind of good inside in general is I would say our parenting approach is just very long-term greedy.”

    2024-12-26 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #784: Dr. Becky Kennedy — Parenting Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids, Plus Word-for-Word Scripts for Repairing Relationships, Setting Boundaries, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  37. “And I always do. No, I very much would say your parents' job is not to make get happy. And again, because we struggle to hold multiplicity, people will say, you want your kids to be unhappy? No, I definitely don't try to make my kids unhappy.”

    2024-12-26 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #784: Dr. Becky Kennedy — Parenting Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids, Plus Word-for-Word Scripts for Repairing Relationships, Setting Boundaries, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  38. “Something people say is a throwaway comment. Like my husband always jokes, you're out like a dinner party. So I was like, you just want your kids to be happy, right? And I'll look at me and think, Becky, please don't ruin this moment. Don't take it. Don't take the baby.”

    2024-12-26 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #784: Dr. Becky Kennedy — Parenting Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids, Plus Word-for-Word Scripts for Repairing Relationships, Setting Boundaries, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  39. “Yeah, I think that every parent, some percentage of the time be like, great job, that's cool. That's awesome. Okay. But those questions process over product, asking for a kid's story, asking them to tell you. Once you get started, it's easier. And yes, it actually. Just such a massive privilege and it actually makes them more carder because they're focused on their effort and process instead of just on a result.”

    2024-12-26 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #784: Dr. Becky Kennedy — Parenting Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids, Plus Word-for-Word Scripts for Repairing Relationships, Setting Boundaries, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  40. “Actually, kind of a conversation ender. I feel like you'd say to me, Thank you. But if instead I said, how did you pick that color wall with that couch? You would, oh, okay. Well, let me tell you and let me show you my Pinterest board or whatever it was. And even if I never said good job, I bet you would feel more lit up inside and almost better than if I had just kind of ended the conversation that way.”

    2024-12-26 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #784: Dr. Becky Kennedy — Parenting Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids, Plus Word-for-Word Scripts for Repairing Relationships, Setting Boundaries, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  41. “You know, a little while ago, my daughter paints stuff and she did. She gave me this painting, and I'm a horrible artist, so anything she does is amazing. But what I said to her first, I said, oh, like tell me about the painting. Like, what made you pick red there? She told me this whole story, this whole story about how she hasn't ever really seen a red police car and whatever it was. She shared her story with me. Same thing I'm thinking about a kid giving us a paper. Oh, how do you think it'd have come up with that topic? Oh, what made you start it that way? Oh, what was it like writing that? Whatever the questions are, and I know it sounds like annoying at first. I get it. Like as a parent, you're like, oh, really, can I just say good job? And of course you can. But then again, I go to an adult example. Like, let's say Tim, you redid your house and I visited and you really worked hard on it. And I came and go, oh, I love your house. Good job.”

    2024-12-26 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #784: Dr. Becky Kennedy — Parenting Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids, Plus Word-for-Word Scripts for Repairing Relationships, Setting Boundaries, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  42. “Going to help them down the road? Well, I know when you're in your 20s and 30s what's really helpful down the road is when you produce something, maybe it's art, maybe it's a project, being able to give yourself some estimation of that before others do is very helpful to your whole self-concept and protective of anxiety and depression. I think I did a good job in this project. It's true. I didn't hear back from my boss yet, but I'm a little anxious about what my boss is going to say, but the fact that someone didn't tell me something isn't going to spiral me. And I think about the yearning and the searching and the desperation for a good job. Well, if every time my kid produces something, again, what they wire next to that is someone telling them good job, then they go into the world, unable to give themselves that type of validation and searching for someone to say they're good enough. So what do I like better? Anything that helps your kid share more about themselves actually ends up feeling better to your kid also.”

    2024-12-26 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #784: Dr. Becky Kennedy — Parenting Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids, Plus Word-for-Word Scripts for Repairing Relationships, Setting Boundaries, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  43. “Social media, yeah, everything. I mean, so many things, right? Definitely social media. And if I think about this moment, and again, I'm often very long-term thinking, but my kids over and over show me things.”

    2024-12-26 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #784: Dr. Becky Kennedy — Parenting Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids, Plus Word-for-Word Scripts for Repairing Relationships, Setting Boundaries, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  44. “The goal we're optimizing for. So then to me, the question is Is that like the best of all options, or at least we have other tools in our toolbox? And the thing that really builds kids confidence is learning to gaze in before you gaze out. We're in a world that is priming us to gaze out before we gaze in. Kind of like, look what I've done and can someone in the world tell me it slash I am good enough. That's basically the world we live in. And it makes you very empty and very fragile, very, very anxious.”

    2024-12-26 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #784: Dr. Becky Kennedy — Parenting Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids, Plus Word-for-Word Scripts for Repairing Relationships, Setting Boundaries, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  45. “A kid comes to us and let's say they, I don't know, young kid brings us a painting, and we could say, Oh, good job. It's amazing, right? Or let's say an older kid brings us some paper they wrote and they got a good grade. We say, good job. Okay, again, good job does not damage kids. But I think in those moments we want as parents to kind of double down on building our kids' confidence. That's usually”

    2024-12-26 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #784: Dr. Becky Kennedy — Parenting Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids, Plus Word-for-Word Scripts for Repairing Relationships, Setting Boundaries, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  46. “Well, I get it. I have so much empathy for parents and even understand their skepticism of our approach because we have had shoved down our throat this very, very behavior first punishment first. We call it discipline. It's actually a joke to me in any other area of life if we allowed CEOs and coaches to talk to the people in our organizations like we think parents do to kids and then we call it disciplined. It would never fly and those people would be fired. But we've had that shoved down our throats. And so anything new always feels uncomfortable. And these are very new ideas. But I think about with other areas even with kids, if your kid isn't learning how to swim, you teach them how to swim. And nobody says, oh, you just think it's okay that they're not swimming. It's like a weird, you'd be like, what? I'm just teaching them how to swim.”

    2024-12-26 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #784: Dr. Becky Kennedy — Parenting Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids, Plus Word-for-Word Scripts for Repairing Relationships, Setting Boundaries, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  47. “Me, the opposite of judgment in any relationship is curiosity. And I think curiosity is when you see something and you just wonder about it. To me, that's like one of the best words for parents. Wonder. I wonder why my kid is hitting. As soon as you use the word wonder, you're unable to judge because you're thinking and kind of conjuring up this bigger picture. Now where parents usually go when they hear me say that it's like, oh, so it's just okay my kid's hitting. And there's this, again, judgment we even do there where you must.”

    2024-12-26 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #784: Dr. Becky Kennedy — Parenting Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids, Plus Word-for-Word Scripts for Repairing Relationships, Setting Boundaries, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  48. “We just activate our judgment about the behavior. And usually when you judge behavior, what you're unconsciously doing is you're seeing behavior as a sign of who someone is. That's why you're judging it. This person's such a selfish person. My friend didn't call me back. Oh, they're so selfish. Or my kid keeps hitting on the playground, even though I say no hitting. And then we don't even realize going to like, what's wrong with my kid? Why do I have such a bad kid? You know, my kid is never going to figure things out. I'm a bad parent. You just see something on the surface and you kind of feel like you know everything about it. I actually think I never thought about that. That's really what it means to judge something. I see something that's probably part of a larger story. And instead, I think it's the whole thing.”

    2024-12-26 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #784: Dr. Becky Kennedy — Parenting Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids, Plus Word-for-Word Scripts for Repairing Relationships, Setting Boundaries, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  49. “That's right Exactly right. So I think judgment, it can be positive, but I would say in parenting, actually in any relationship, it's just so easy to see someone's behavior that feels bad or feels less than ideal.”

    2024-12-26 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #784: Dr. Becky Kennedy — Parenting Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids, Plus Word-for-Word Scripts for Repairing Relationships, Setting Boundaries, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT

  50. “Yeah, I think the words good job have gotten a lot of press reparents like, you're not supposed to say good job. It's not going to do damage to your kid. I think there's a lot we can unpack there against there's deeper principles, right? They're like, oh, what do kids really need when they have accomplishments?”

    2024-12-26 · The Tim Ferriss Show · #784: Dr. Becky Kennedy — Parenting Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids, Plus Word-for-Word Scripts for Repairing Relationships, Setting Boundaries, and More · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT