YouSaid · the spoken record

Logan Ury

lines on the record: 156
first: 2025-03-18
most recent: 2025-03-18
sittings or episodes: 1
sources: podcast

Every line below is reproduced as it was said and linked to the record it came from. Nothing here is summarised or generated. Directory · Search · Corrections

“What are you currently doing to kind of heal that inner wound, which is I am broken? Because if your analysis is that until you feel less broken, both when you break up with someone and when they break up with you, I think you're not going to be able to connect with someone.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“When I think what's actually going on is it's very painful for me to feel rejected, so I don't want to subject myself to that. And so the time is an excuse for a much deeper thing that you're experiencing.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“That you are so not alone. Rejection sucks. Having somebody spend time with you, evaluate you, and tell you that you're not what they want is so painful. And I think that if you apply for a job and you don't get it, it's, oh, I wasn't right for the position and they had an internal candidate. It's just one slice of your life. There's something uniquely painful about rejection and dating because it's like I've met you and I don't want you. And so I'm just validating that I think many, many, many people find this whole process very painful, especially people who have been dating 10, 15 years and are just like my body, my soul, I can't go through this anymore. So I just have a lot of empathy for that. But what is so interesting about the conversation that we're having is you sort of started with it's hard for me to make time for dating.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Right. Me too. So my assumption is that, like, you must enjoy this if you've built a life around it. How can you reframe dating to be something where it's like, I get to meet somebody, have an experience with them, go deep, have thoughts I've never had before because we're playing a conversational game of ping pong and I'm having a good time. Whereas right now it sounds like the frame is dating is draining. Dating is time away from my kids. Dating is I can't be in my sweatpants as opposed to reframing it to this is aligned with my goals and I can actually make it fun.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“No, but why I'm pushing you on that point is your job right now is flying to different locations to have deep one-on-one conversations with somebody. Isn't that a little bit of a show? Isn't it a little bit like a first date? It's like I'm meeting a stranger. I want to have a connection with them. I want to have an experience. There's cameras here, but I don't think we're thinking about the cameras. I think we're thinking about the fact that we are getting to know each other, exchanging information.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Have a few fewer hours a week with my kids. And I would say it sounds like this is something that you're willing to do. And so instead of thinking, this is something that will happen in the future, I think it does look like making sacrifices too strong a word, but making adjustments now to how you spend your time so that you are getting close enough to somebody to even decide if you want to be in a relationship with them.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“I'm a little rusty on my dating skills. I don't know what kind of person I like. I actually wanted to have more kids, but now I feel like I've itched out of that. And so by getting super clear in your long-term goals for you, for anyone else, I feel like it helps you make those adjustments in your life. And so if you told me I want to run a marathon, but I don't have time to train, then I would say I don't really think you want to run a marathon. Totally. Or you're not going to run a marathon this year. But if you said, I really want to run a marathon and I'm willing to lose an hour of sleep every night or be slightly worse at my job or even.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“The reason why I asked you what your long term goals are are that if you're really clear on your goal, I think it helps you prioritize your life differently. So it's like for the next five years as you have kids at home, it's very clear what your evenings look like. But what happens when you don't have any kids at home? Do you then suddenly start dating? And then do you feel behind? Do you feel like”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“It's very interesting that you said you're good at being in a relationship, but sort of not as good as getting into one. Yeah. And it sounds like once somebody has jumped through the hoops necessary to kind of make it into the top priorities in your life, you will give them the time and attention, but you find that hard to do in the early stages where maybe they haven't earned that spot yet.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“I don't know if it's gender specific things where there's a lack of connection or just maybe cultural things going on where there's big differences in religious institution attendance or political divergence. But when I think about the issues in dating, I tend to focus less on what is this gender or that gender thing. And I tend to focus more on patterns of behavior or blind spots that people have. And so, of course, there's going to be different advice that I give to a woman in her late 30s who wants to have biological children versus a guy in his 20s. Like those conversations sound different and they have different timelines. But I think so much of the work that I do is really about helping people understand who they are, understanding these patterns holding them back. And those are sort of universal things. But I am interested in what's happening in dating right now. And I am sort of at the beginning of a research project that”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“In relationships, in dating. I am such a big fan of just checking in with the person because there's really this natural tendency, kind of going back to mind reading of, well, if I really like you, then we must think the same way and be on the same page. And when you bring it up, you're afraid, well, what if I find out information that makes me sad, then I'll be sad. It's like, no, that information is power and you need the data to make an informed decision for yourself. And if you find out information that's disappointing, yes, it hurts, but now you can decide if that's the right person for you or not.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“I would say that in modern dating, it sort of assumed that you're not exclusive until you have the conversation and that pain can come from somebody making an assumption, well, oh, we've been dating for six months, we must be exclusive. Oh, we've had sex, we must be exclusive. And there is a lot of heartbreak that happens when people don't have that explicit conversation. So in life,”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“I found that it does differ by person. So there are people out there that are really anxiously attached, and when they meet someone, their brain goes into, I need to lock it down. I don't want to date anymore, so I just want to date them. So how can I become exclusive with them? And for those people sometimes having multiple people that they're seeing in the beginning is actually a way to sort of ease some of that and just makes it a little bit easier for them to be a bit more relaxed and have a bit more of an abundance mindset. There are other people for whom seeing multiple people at the same time in the beginning either feels immoral or uncomfortable or just too exhausting. And so I would say for the person really explore what are the patterns that have held you back in the past, what feels hard for you, what makes you feel like you're dating successfully, and then do what's right for you. While of course keeping in mind things like making it clear to someone if you're not exclusive or if you're not sexually exclusive.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Are going through things one at a time makes it much easier to make a choice. And so I think in the age of dating apps, having this your turn limits feature is actually a really smart way to kind of nudge people towards making decisions instead of endlessly trying to match”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Absolutely. And that's something that hinges thinking about. So my favorite feature that's come out in a long time is this thing that came out last year called Your Turn Limits. And basically the idea is that people were thinking, I want to get as many matches as possible. I really want to get this ego boost from attention and see how many people will like me. And instead, it's about connection over attention. So now if you have eight conversations where you owe somebody a response, you cannot match with anyone else until you respond to one of those people. So either you close out the conversation and show that you're not interested or you keep the conversation going with them. And I was with my cousin over Christmas and he was like, oh, Logan, like this feature is so challenging. Like I'm just trying to meet some new people. And I'm like, dude, look at your matches. Who are these women? Do you like them? Then ask them out on a date. And I think that in general, the brain just has such a natural tendency to want options and choices when in reality limiting those options.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“But this one's a little more original, and maybe people in London will like this one more. And so you sort of start making this pro con list in your head that actually works against you because you start doubting your original answer.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“There's a great concept from Dan Gilbert of Harvard called changeability. So we often crave the ability to change our minds because it makes us feel more free. So, in this experiment that he ran on the Harvard campus, he had a bunch of students take a photography workshop. And one of the weekends that students took the workshop, they would get a call at the end of the weekend and say, hey, we're actually going to have an art show in London in a few weeks, pick one of your pictures from this weekend of taking pictures, and that's going to be sent to London. And they didn't have the opportunity to change their mind. In a different scenario, they would call the students and say, pick one of the pieces to be sent to this art show in London, and I'm going to call you in a few days and see if you want to change your mind. Most of the time, people didn't change their mind about the photos, but when you ask people in which situation they were more satisfied, the people who didn't have the chance to change their mind were actually more satisfied because they made a commitment and they immediately rationalized it and they felt good about it. When you can change your mind, you start wondering, well, that picture's a little sharper.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Okay, so orbiting is a term that a reporter from Mashable, Anna Iovine, came up with, and it's about this idea of keeping a bunch of people or several people in orbit around you sort of to increase your opportunities. So you're sort of not committing to any of them, but they're all there sort of on your bench as people that you could interact with. And instead of keeping all of these balls in the air, sorry, I'm like totally mixing metaphors here, it's much better to commit to somebody see how the relationship goes than decide if you want to stay in the relationship or not and then move on versus feeling like, well, the more possibilities I have, the more freedom I have, the more chances of success I have. Actually, success comes from committing to something, seeing if it works, and then moving on if it doesn't.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“That's what I think it would feel like for me, but I find polyamory really endlessly fascinating because it's basically alerting me to a different brain chemistry. And it's sort of like in our society, we've accepted extroverts and introverts. So I know that I could be in a terrible mood and then go to a party and then have the time of my life. And it's like, why was that party bringing me so much energy? Well, I'm extremely extroverted for my husband. It's the opposite. So why can't we all think there are people for whom compersion is possible and amazing for them? It's okay that I'm not like that. Instead of this assumption that For everyone, they would have the same experience around it.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Know people very intimately who feel like I'm so happy when my partner gets this other need met or maybe it's like I'm really busy at work right now and I'm not feeling that sexual I'm so happy that my partner has this outlet and so that story about the GP I would say that doesn't resonate with the experiences that I've heard and It kind of goes back to why is that person in an open relationship in the first place? Is it because they think that that's the only way their partner should stay? And probably instead of talking to the GP about it, or maybe in addition, they should talk to their partners and say, either this isn't working for me, or we need to change the stipulations of this because it's currently causing me more pain than it is pleasure.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“A part of my brain that would be thinking about am I going to be rejected? Am I going to be abandoned would just be so loud in my head that it would overcome any pleasure that I might get from having my own relationships outside the marriage? For other people, they are truly not there. That's not where the brands are.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Right. And I think I'm just way too jealous and anxious and insecure of a person to really be a good fit for an open relationship because I think that”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Very proudly polyamorous, and kind of I can hear her in my head sort of being like that person may not be a good fit for an open relationship. And why are they in one? Because in an ideal world, there's this concept of compersion. Have you heard of that? It's a word that means I get pleasure when you get pleasure. So like kind of the first polyamorous couple that I got to know about 10 years ago, I remember the guy describing to me, oh, tonight my wife has a date with her boyfriend and I'm really excited for her. And like my anxious brain, my jealous brain was like,”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Relationship structures. But what I'm saying here is when you're single and you have limited time and you really want to find someone, ask yourself, is this ongoing relationship with my ex something that's pushing me forward or pulling me backwards? And if the answer is that it's pulling you backwards, then I would cut ties for the time being and really focus on the next person that you could have a relationship with.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“You know, living in the Bay Area, there is such a big community of people who are polyamorous or in open relationships. And I'm personally not in one of those, but I see a lot of value in it. I think that with the divorce rate being at 40 to 50 percent over the last 40 years, we've really seen that this one size fits all version of marriage doesn't work for most people. So if you have a product and 50% of people are returning it, then maybe you need to rework that product. So anyone who's rethinking the structure of marriage, I am a fan of. So relationship fluidity, all those things I think are great. And so in a polyamorous relationship, you might have somebody where you have more of a sexual relationship with them, somebody where you have more of an intellectual connection with them. There's so many different ways of doing it. And so I wouldn't say that you need to get all of your needs met by one person and you should not get those needs met by other people because I believe in these open.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“In general, the research shows that moving on from your X is the best way to find a new relationship because when we keep all of these doors open, it actually prevents us from finding a new door to open. And so if you have these five people from your past that you sleep with when you're in a certain city or you wonder, oh, maybe I should get back together with her. I'll keep her on the back burner, but we call like orbiting. It can actually prevent you from focusing and finding somebody new. And I even find this is especially true with sex. So if you are somebody who craves a lot of sex, but you occasionally sleep with your exes, you almost don't have the motivation to find somebody new to be in a partnership with because you're getting some of those needs met by other people. And what if you actually were dating in a different way where you're like, I'm going to focus all of my time, energy, really even life force on a new person because that's aligned with my goals.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Oh, maybe he likes me, but he just is busy and he hasn't gotten back to me. So I'm not going to get back to this person in case this person wants to see me. And so in the research that I did on this at Hinge, what we found is that 86% of people... But then the other people don't share the truth because they say, oh, I don't want to hurt their feelings. But you're actually hurting them more by not being upfront from the beginning about how you feel.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Yeah, I think the most important thing, kind of going back to your word of kindness, is to be kind but firm. So if you write back and say, I really don't think I was my best self, you know, I was kind of jet lagged. I want to see you again. You know, maybe that's not what feels right for me. And so I can respond or not respond. But I feel like I did my duty by saying to you, I met you. We had an experience. I'm not interested. And what's so hard about ghosting, and it truly has become more and more common over, say, the last five years that I've been tracking it, is that it leads people in this ambiguity.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“We say in a text, probably, and not ghosting, hey, it was really great to meet you. It was so fun to hear about your podcast and the cool people that you're interviewing this year. I don't think we're a romantic match, but it was a great meeting you. I don't owe you feedback. I don't need to get into a long conversation about what you did right or wrong. I'm acknowledging you that you're a person. We had an experience together and I don't want to move forward.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“But it's something like half of your age minus seven. Like, I don't believe in any rules like that. I think people mature at different rates. People have different life experiences. But instead, really tuning into, am I dating this person because they're younger and hotter and an ego boost? Or do I actually feel like this is somebody I want to partner with in life?”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Potentially, but what I was going to say is I did this Netflix show the later daters, and that was where I worked with people 55 plus. And so that was sort of my first exposure to that age group. And it was really interesting to see the different age differences. And if people were dating somebody at the same life stage as them. And so I think what came up a lot on the show and in the kind of coaching conversations that maybe didn't make it onto the show was that sometimes if you look younger, you might go on a date with somebody younger and that feels really good from an ego perspective, but then you're just in a different life stage. And so I think what really matters is, do you have the same values? Do you like spending time the same way? You know, if you're retired and you can travel and the other person is hustling and building their business, then maybe you just aren't a good match because you're not going to be spending the majority of your time together. And so I think instead of one of those funny calculations, like, I don't even remember.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Most of my research has been with Gen Z and millennial daters who are sort of dating for their first marriage or dating to have kids, depending on the situation. But then when I...”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“When I talk to people, it's not just what do you want to add to your plate a day to week, it's what are you willing to take away from your plate in order to make time for that? And so work is such a compelling system, right? If I work harder, I get promoted. If I get promoted, I make more money. If I make more money, I get to have a nicer apartment and my mom gets to brag about me. I get to update my LinkedIn. It's like, it's the perfect gamified system to find self-worth through. Achievement. And dating is a lot harder. There's a lot of constant rejection. It costs time. It costs money. It might take away from that gamified career. And so I love to help people understand that the sooner you learn how to date, the sooner you can stop dating. And why not do that when you're younger? And there's a larger pool of people to date.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“So many of the people that I work with are very career-oriented, these maximizers who are trying to strategize their way through life. And oftentimes they come to me when they have been prioritizing their career for the last 12 years and then are like, oh, wait, I'm not where I want to be relationship-wise. And that's why when I do get the opportunity to speak to younger people, I really encourage them, start prioritizing dating when you're younger. You have a more flexible lifestyle. You have a bigger population of single people to choose from. And, you know, in the last few years, as there's been more and more layoffs, I feel like a lot of people have had the reality check of this company that I dedicated 10 years of my life to and that I missed a lot of dates because I had to travel for my job. Guess what? We were not in a long-term relationship. We were in a 10-year-long relationship. And now I'm single and I don't want to be. And so sometimes.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Oh, I haven't heard of that, but I do like that and I absolutely resonate with that where I always want to be the person who's telling somebody that there's food in their teeth. And rather than finding that it embarrasses people, I find that, especially like a first meeting, that it really... Makes them feel closer to me because it's like they feel comfortable enough to tell me the slightly embarrassing thing. Therefore, I am safe with them.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“I haven't thought about that before, but it resonates with me, something that I'm working on with my business coach is I make a lot of assumptions about what people want. And then I get really nervous about saying something that I think will disappoint them. And then I just avoid the conversation. But the feedback that I'm getting from my coach and from these people that I'm dealing with is you're actually getting wrong what I want. And so by not having the conversation with me, you're making decisions on my behalf. And if you actually just told me what was going on, we could come to a happy medium about it. But because you think you know what I want and then you want to avoid discomfort for me, you're not even bringing it up. And so I think for me, the work that I'm doing there is to have uncomfortable conversations sooner instead of saying, well, I'm so good at knowing what everyone wants, I must be right. And instead being more curious and asking them what's going on.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“And so I just think that if people get over this kind of romanticized idea of if you really knew me, you'd know what I want into what I think is much more romantic, which is I feel safe enough to tell you what I want and I hope that you'll be able to honor it to the best of your ability.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“With my husband and say, like, hey, like for Mother's Day, like this is what would be a really great day for me. And like, it's not like he always delivers on that, but I'm kind of sharing what matters to me. Or I have friends. One guy is an economist and they have a pretty complicated system, but it's basically like when one of the people in the couple invites the other person to an event at their work, they'll basically say how much it matters to them on a scale of zero to 100 to basically say this invite, I care about it 90 out of 100, please come or I care about it 10 out of 100. If you don't come, it doesn't matter.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“It's so funny because one of my closest friends in the world is a professional mentalist or a mind reader, and we live together as roommates for a number of years. And it's just, I love the concept of mind reading. People would say, oh, you live with David. Like, what's it like? Is he always reading your mind? And I would say, if he was always reading my mind, he would unload the dishwasher a lot more often. And so I just think it's so funny how there's this sense of, well, we're close and you know me. So you must know what I want. And that's something that I've personally worked on a lot in my life. So I found that with a lot of my female friends, they get frustrated that their husbands or partners didn't give them what they wanted for their birthday of why didn't they know I wanted a surprise party? And what I'd say to them is it's much more important to get what you want than to have the person guess what you want and then knock it right and be disappointed. So I feel like I try to be really”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“As parents, as busy people, it's like I'm texting with my husband more than I'm really talking to him every single day. And so you need to have some overlap in your minimum and their maximum. And so, you know, kind of a long-winded way of saying, I do think that texting styles are really important since that's such a big part of digital courtship. And it's really good to express to somebody what your texting style is and to maybe give them a heads up. In the past, I found that sometimes people like can't read my tone over text just to let you know, like I'm not the biggest textter, but I will do my best to call you or just to make plans and don't read too much into my texting.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“The other thing that comes up around text messages and might surprise people how often people talk to me about texting. But a common thing that somebody might say is I hate texting, I have a job where I keep my phone in my pocket. I love deep work. How can I tell somebody that I am interested in them? I just don't like texting. Or the opposite, which is I really love spending time with this guy in person, but he's terrible over text. And so the way that I've thought about it is I think that you need to understand as a person the maximum amount of text that you're willing to give and the minimum that you're willing to take. And if the minimum that you need is not within somebody's maximum, you may not be a fit. And it sounds so crazy because it's like you're really not going to date someone because of your texting styles. But look, that's how a lot of people talk for a lot of the day.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“But we did do research at Hinge looking at what are the most commonly agreed upon parts of digital body language. So one of them is that actually the double text is okay. So if I text you and we're early dating and I say, hey, I'd love to hear about that show you were talking about. How was it? And then you don't respond, I might feel like, oh, he's not interested. I can never send another text. But sending one more text that either like follows up on it or says like, hey, do you want to go out this week? People don't mind that. People are busy and they understand that sometimes messages get mixed. Another one is one word answers are seen as very rude or curt or the person's not interested. So if our text messages look like a lot of blue and a little bit of gray, there's probably a problem there. And so making sure that our messages seem pretty equal. This is kind of going back to the idea of I take a step forward. You take a step forward. Building the momentum together.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“You say sure to somebody? Oh my god. If my sister says got it. I'm like having a mini panic attack because I'm like, you don't got it. You're mad at me. You're just giving up on this conversation. So I think we all have versions of that.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“And so there's a ton of digital body language, these unspoken cues as to my intentions. And so the hard part about digital body language is we don't all interpret it the same way. So through this research, there was a woman I remember who said, if somebody says K instead of OK, then she thinks they're mad at them. And she's like, specifically, I want them to say OK-A-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y. Which is like, who would know that that's what she wants, but a K seems rude to her.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Yeah. So, one of my favorite projects I've done over the last five years was a big Gen Z research project at Hinge, where I followed this group of international Gen Z daters for around six months. And one of the things that came out of it was this idea of digital body language, the fact that we talk a lot about body language, right? I'm sure this is something that you've thought about in your own life. So if I'm sitting forward, I am really interested in what you're saying. If I'm leaning back, I might feel defensive. Am I averting my eyes? And that your brain is consciously interpreting that as whether I'm a threat or whether I'm interested in you.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Yeah. And so instead what to do in those moments is to really realize that you need space and just ask for it. So for example, if you have that Saturday night sleepover and Sunday, you want your space, you can just say, I had so much fun last night. I actually have a big project at work tomorrow that I was going to spend the majority of today on. Let's make plans for seeing each other later this week. You are creating that space for yourself. You're not assuming that they are mind reader and they know that you don't want to spend the day together, but you're basically stopping the problem before it starts.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Might notice strategies that happen for youth. So with anxiously attached people, it's activating strategies and with avoid and attach people, it's deactivating strategies. So in your head, you start thinking, they're not really that cute. I'm not interested in them, or I can't believe she pronounced that word that way. She must not be that smart. So it's almost like you're giving yourself a reason why you don't like them to push away. I wonder if you ever do that.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Super weird and they're pulling back. And then they Sort of do these behaviors to try to reconnect with the person, which can really turn the other person off. And so instead. Set yourself up for success by not getting to the danger zone in the first place. So when you feel like, oh no, they didn't respond to my text, what are other things you could do? So you could text a friend and distract yourself with the conversation with them. You could even tell a friend, oh, this is what I'm feeling. And, you know, make me feel better about it. Give me a pep talk. You can give yourself a pep talk. There's this concept called disconfirming evidence. So basically explaining to yourself, no, they just have a busy day. They're at that conference. They told me that they weren't going to be in touch. Why am I jumping to a conclusion? Let me just wait and see what happens. And so there's different things that you can do to sort of catch yourself before you start doing those protest behavior things like sending a million texts or calling them and then turning your phone off. For avoid and attach people, it's the same thing. The danger zone is when you feel really overcome by them and that you're losing your independence.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Right, so people do tend to have one attachment style and it's a mixture of genetics and how they were raised. But around 25% of people are able to shift their attachment over time. So if you are insecurely attached, there is hope. It's not just, oh, I need to find one of those securely attached people that's already in a relationship. So for people who are anxiously attached, it's really important to understand triggers for you. So a trigger for somebody who's anxiously attached might be, I text the person I'm seeing all day, but I just sent them a meme. They usually respond to that right away. They haven't responded in four hours. Okay, so a trigger was not hearing back from somebody. What usually happens in that moment is you sort of go down into the danger zone and you start texting them a bunch of times, hey, what happened? Or you spiral in your head. They don't like me anymore. They met somebody else. When I said this thing two days ago, they thought it was...”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“How my partner thinks that influences my life, that influences the decisions we make together, it influences whether or not I trust him. And so I really think just creating these conversational dynamics where we're expressing ourselves, we're responding to situations, we're not just repeating the same tape in our head that we press play on in every boring first date, that to me is so much more fun and provides such deeper information.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source