YouSaid · the spoken record

Logan Ury

lines on the record: 156
first: 2025-03-18
most recent: 2025-03-18
sittings or episodes: 1
sources: podcast

Every line below is reproduced as it was said and linked to the record it came from. Nothing here is summarised or generated. Directory · Search · Corrections

“And then it sort of zooms out, and later you find out who's in the battle, why are they in the battle, what's going on. But it really just captures your attention right away. And so you could enter a date or a phone call and say, hey, I'm Logan. This is where I live. This is what I do. And like, I'm already asleep just talking about this. But instead, if you walk in there and you say, so my sister called me this weekend and she's having this issue at work and she told me this, but I thought that she was handling it the wrong way. What do you think about that? It's like, boom, we're friends. We're having an experience. I'm hearing how you think. I'm hearing if you give good advice. I'm learning about you. I'm not trying to glean information from you and facts about your life. I'm truly trying to get to know you as a person and how you think. And I feel like for me as someone who's been with my partner for 10 years, who has a new baby, so much of my life is...”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Yeah, you know, I think that you could start the conversation and just start talking about your day. So, for example, I like to tell people about this concept of in-media res, which is a Latin term that means in the middle of things. So a play might open up in the middle of a battle scene.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Yeah, so before the pandemic, I did not like the idea of video dates or phone calls before of her date. To me, it triggered this idea of like a tech job and a phone screen, like that 15-minute call with the Google recruiter to see if you're crazy or not. And I felt like it was going to create too much of a feeling of, okay, I saw who you were. I'm not interested in you. I'm out. But during the pandemic, that was the only way that people could really date for a while. And so there was this proliferation of video chats or phone dates. And I actually felt like they were a great technique for people to just see, can we hold a conversation? Are they who they say they are? It makes people feel more safe before meeting up for the first time. It helps people who are really busy, like executives or single parents feel like, is this somebody who I want to get a babysitter for in order to meet up with them? And so now I actually think that it's a really helpful technique for a lot of people.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Okay, let's think of example. So I think a bad question would be. What did you study in college? I think then you're just finding out about a fact about somebody about their major. I think a good question would be something like, oh, you just told me that your job was a marketing manager for this tech company. Like, how is that different from what you thought it would be? Or can you see yourself doing that for a long time? Or like what changes would you want to make to it? And that one might be a little interviewee. But I think the point is that If you go on a first date and your information seeking, then what you will get is facts. If you go on a date and you're connection seeking, then what you will get are stories.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“And so what's an example of that? Well, a fact would be that you have a younger brother. A story would be your younger brother lives across the country from you. You haven't met your niece yet. You feel sad about the lack of connection with that person. And one of your resolutions is to really get closer to your brother. And so I think oftentimes when people are less experienced with first aid conversations, they share the facts about their lives. And it's not memorable and it's boring. And really think about the emotions and the feelings and the stories behind those facts because that's what a good conversation is.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“That's really cool Not at all. And that's actually part of dating advice that I give people. So, you know, I have people who come in who are amazing communicators, really charming. They just kind of have a few things holding them back from connecting and we work on that. I have other people who come in who have never been on a date in their life. From that starting point, we really have to start talking about like, how do you have a good conversation? And so one of the key ideas there, you basically just said these words is share stories, not facts.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“It's so true that stories are really the filing system of our brain. And I was thinking last night about the story of the boy who cried wolf. And I was like, it's so smart that we teach kids fables because if somebody had sat me down and said, if you raise a lot of false alarms when it's a real alarm, no one's going to listen. Like, I wouldn't remember it. But the boy who cried, Wolf, it's so memorable. It's like, that's why we have these oral storytelling traditions and even like, you know, why the Bible is the greatest meme of all time. People really remember these stories. And so that is a good tip that I'm going to use, which is, you know, you want to be. Speaking about visuals, but maybe vague enough details that people can insert their own version of the kitchen floor.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“My back Just to comment on that, I definitely want to listen to that episode. Was it an episode you recorded with him? Yes. Because I'd love to learn from that. Because a big part of my job is communicating.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Talking to somebody and they're almost pen paling and having all these text conversations and building up this fantasy. And by the time they meet in person, that person's great, but they're not the fantasy you had in your head. And so you reject them because they're different from who you thought they were. And that's why it's so important that people get to the date faster. Honestly, meet on hinge and a few days later, we've actually found that the sweet spot is after three days of chatting to say, hey, I always walk my dog at 6 p.m. Can I give you a phone call? Or do you want a FaceTime for a few minutes tonight? And instead of turning the digital courtship phase into this weeks-long thing, make it much shorter, get on the phone, get on FaceTime, see if you have a connection, and then meet up in person as quickly as possible. And so I actually think the point is to learn who the person is by talking to them directly versus either having your brain fill in the gaps or doing all this external research that might be incorrect or outdated.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“You know, I really like hip hop. I bet they like the same music that I do. And with this incomplete picture, we start building up this fantasy in our head. And that's why people get into this really bad situation where they start”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Okay, well, take a photo of yourself and make it black and white. And you might be like, huh? Photoshop it. Looking pretty good there. And the point is that by taking out the color and actually some of the information, our brain fills in the gap and it actually often looks more attractive than it does. The same thing happens on dating app profiles. So if somebody says, I love music, our brains fill in the gap and think, oh, they love music.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“It's so interesting. So there's research on the brain that shows when our brain gets an incomplete picture of something, we fill in the gaps in a way that makes it more positive. So have you ever seen a black and white photo of yourself and think, oh, I look pretty good in that?”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“You have such a glossy exterior that there's nothing for me to grab onto. Actually, need cracks in the wall to grasp onto and to have a connection with you and to feel like I can be my full imperfect self. And so it's like the thing that we think makes us unlovable is often what makes somebody feel comfortable around us. But if we truly feel like we're unlovable, we never open up and give somebody the chance to see that for themselves.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“I think that's extremely common, and it has different ways that it comes up. So some people say to me, you know, I have a chronic illness. I'm unlovable. I have an STI. I'm unlovable. I've never been in a relationship. I'm unlovable. I've been in too many relationships. I'm unlovable. And so many people have this inner narrative around how if somebody really, really knew them, they wouldn't love them. And what's so hard for people to understand is like, it's often that vulnerability and that imperfection that connects people. Because I think about friends of mine or people I know who come across as perfect. And I'm like,”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“That is such a big part of the work that I do is this idea of people come to me and they think I'm undatable Do you feel that way?”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Yeah, so I don't know that that happens all the time, but like it is something that I've seen with certain people who are maybe more powerful or dominant is that when somebody actually calls them out on stuff, it makes them feel like, oh, I can trust that person because they see my flaws and they know from the beginning what my flaws are, I don't have to put up a front of seeming perfect all the time and then disappointing them. Like this is a whole rabbit hole of like, I don't want to let somebody in because if they knew the real me, then they would reject me.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“I don't know. I'm just going to push on this topic because I think it's so interesting. But on my first date with my husband, he told me that when It actually makes him feel very close to them Because something inside of him was like, oh, I'm a piece of shit. So if somebody sort of like.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“She's doing things for external validation, or the clapping to me is really bothering me where I'm like, we're not going to clap anymore. We cannot reward her for every single thing because then she will be doing it for us and not for herself. And so it's so interesting that compliments shut you down.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“See, because that could also be a positive thing where you have an internal locus of control that's not looking to other people. Like, even my daughter is one, and she started doing this toy. Maybe you remember it, where it's like, you know, there's a stick, and then you put the different round things on top of it. And when she does it, every time she puts one on, she claps and she doesn't even smile. She just thinks that that's part of how the toy works. You put it on and then you clap for yourself because when she does it, we clap for her. I was like, she's a brand new human in the world and she's already learning that”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“That's super interesting. So, for the compliments, was it that you grew up in a home where there was a strong sense of external validation if you did the right thing and then you felt like you constantly had to please someone and the compliments were a sign that you were doing the right thing, but then they could be taken away if you didn't do the right thing?”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Somebody's speed, so it's a dance where I take a step forward and then you need to take a step forward. If I take 10 steps forward, you might feel overwhelmed and take a step back. So just paying attention to, are you always the one reaching out? Are you always the one making plans? There needs to be momentum matching for the speed to feel right to both people.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Who's avoidant might be like, whoa, they're coming on too strong, or that's so obvious. They're so obviously interested, that's boring. But a ton of the work that I do is training people to identify secure partners and to reestablish them in their heads, not as boring, but as secure, and to know that those are the people to go after. So sometimes that person who pulls away is exciting, that sparky feeling because you don't know if they like you or not, but instead really honoring the person who says, I like you, I'm interested, when can I see you again? And so the slight tweak that I would have to yours is not I like you, can I see you tomorrow? That does kind of feel a little bit intense, but being clear about like, hey, that was a really great date. I feel like we really connected, I'd love to see you again. And then working together to come up with the next date. And a lot of dating that people miss is that it's about matching somebody's momentum and matching.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“time. And so often the way that people get out of the anxious avoidant loop is they either become more secure themselves or they date someone who's secure. And so that's what happened for me. After 10 years of chasing after different people, being rejected, being disappointed, thinking, well, if only I could prove my value, then this guy would like me. Instead, when I dated somebody who was secure, it broke a lot of those patterns. We formed what I feel like is my vert's really healthy relationship. What happens is 50% of the population is secure, which sounds like a good thing, but those people are so good at being relationships that they often get snatched up and you have the anxious avoidant people dating each other. But in the example that you described, it can actually be very secure for somebody to follow up after a date and say, hey, I really enjoyed getting to know you. I'd love to see you again. When are you free? And in that moment, somebody who's used to dating someone”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Absolutely. What you're talking about is complete true. It's not that those people don't want to be in intimate connection. It's that the fear of being smothered or the fear of being hurt causes them to pull away. I'm going to reject you before you reject me. And so for those avoidant attached people who think that they're going to be smothered, and then for the anxiously attached people who think they're going to be abandoned, what ends up happening is they often date each other and they reinforce this idea. So I think that love is a chase. You think that love is being smothered. So when I go after you, you pull away. That reinforces mine and that reinforces yours. And anxious, attached, and avoidant people keep dating each other in this anxious avoidant loop that leaves both people feeling pretty unhappy. But there's a third type of securely attached people. And these are people who have a healthy relationship with independence and with intimacy. I want to be close to you, but I also respect and need my alone.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“This danger zone where you're not being the person that you want to be because you're trying to have this reconnection moment, you think somebody's going to pull away. Then there's people who are avoid and attached. They sort of have the opposite experience. Their version of love is I'm going to be smothered. I'm going to lose my independence. And when they get too close to somebody, they are the ones pulling away. So they're the ones, you know, great sleepover on a Saturday night, Sunday morning. They wake up. The person hasn't left. And they're like, damn, should I call her an Uber?”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Okay, so attachment theory is something in the world of relationship science that's truly backed by the research. It's something that first came about around 60 years ago with someone named John Bowlby. And this research was originally done with children to see their attachments to their primary caregiver, but now we have an entire field of adult attachment specifically around relationships. And so there are people who are anxiously attached. What happens for them is their story of love is that I'm going to chase you. I have to convince you to like me. You might pull away and we're going to have this chase dynamic and that I'm constantly worried that you're not going to be interested in me and you're going to disappear. So how those people show up in relationships, and I know because I really was one of these daters is if you don't hear back from somebody, you start spiraling. They met somebody else. They don't like me anymore. You send a bunch of text to try to reconnect with them. And you're often just in.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“I love this question because I think it speaks to a really, real phenomenon where people are experiencing excitement about somebody, but they feel like they need to hold it back to seem cool. And so I love to talk to people about attachment theory. Has that come up on your podcast before?”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“You have to take a risk. And so I'm encountering a lot of people who are very afraid of rejection and are not taking those risks. And I think that it's leading to fewer relationships.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“This is something that I'm thinking about a lot specifically with Gen Z and Gen Alpha. So I was recently speaking to somebody, she's a 16-year-old entrepreneur, and she's trying to deliver help for teen daters. And she said by far the number one thing that she gets questions about is how to deal with rejection. And so I am genuinely concerned that because of different societal factors, because of people who maybe lost out on some social skills during the pandemic, because of people who live a lot of their lives online, there is not that rejection resilience that many of us need in life. So if you want your dream job, you need to go out there, get a lot of no's, and go out it. You don't just sit at home waiting for a LinkedIn recruiter to message you about your dream job. That doesn't happen. You have to make it happen. And the same thing is true with dating is that you have to shoot your shot. You have to approach people in public.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Yeah, my husband is very scientific and he's worked in a lot of different labs. And when we first started dating early on, he said some quote to me, or he was telling me about some study, which is like, there's a male rat in a cage. And they put in a female rat. And at first, they have sex, but over time, the male rat gets sick of having sex with that female rat. But then if you keep replacing the rat with new female rats, that male rat will have sex with those female rats until it literally passes out from exhaustion. And so it's just this idea of, yes, a lot of what is sexually exciting to people is novelty. And so instead of being disappointed or frustrated by that in a monogamous long-term relationship, you can just think about the fact that I acknowledge that that will happen. And so I'm not going to spend all of my partner choosing coins just on looks because that's not a good long-term strategy.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“The ability to make hard decisions together. So early in dating, you're maybe not making a lot of hard decisions together, but pay attention to how you talk about things. Like if one person wants to meet up near their house and the other person wants to meet up near their house, are you debating it? Are you compromising it? Are they listening to your needs? There's so many ways to really perceive who someone is if you're actually looking for these things. And then the one that I've been talking about, which is what side of you they bring out, and really thinking about the dynamic itself and that understanding that a relationship is not about two instruments on their own, but it's about the music that you're making together and really paying attention to almost this third object of the dynamic between the two of you as opposed to just who that person is on their own.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Being complementary versus being the same. So that was really the category. It matters less than we think it does. For the things that matter more than people think they do. So the first one is loyalty. Really, is this somebody who will stick by you? Of course, that's a hard thing to find out on a first date, but one proxy for that that I found is asking people about old friendships, people who have friendships from different phases of their life. Do they hang on to people? Or when they move, do they let those go? Are they social climbing and always trying to trade up? So does this person keep friends from different phases of their lives? Another one is emotional stability. And that's also hard to figure out on a first date. But how does this person deal with adversity? How does this person deal with frustrations? Are they somebody who can sort of pause and think before they react? Another one is”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Attractive will get used to that over time. The same thing is true with money. I know this amount of money has changed over the last few years, but they used to say happiness doesn't change over 75,000 dollars. Now I think they've raised it. But it's this idea that whatever amount of money you have, you get used to. A few more things that matter less than people think they do. So people think we need to have all the same hobbies. If I love wine, I want someone who loves wine too. And you don't actually have to share the same hobbies. You just need to support the other person's hobbies and have them support yours so that you can continue investing in that hobby. And you don't have to have the same personality. Sometimes people will say, I have a big personality. I love to go out. I want to find a woman who does the same thing. And I'm like, no way. Two of you in a room, two of you at a dinner party, two of you in a relationship, that's way too much. I want you to find somebody who grounds you and it's often about.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“So, one thing that I've looked at a lot is this idea of what matters more and less than we think for long-term relationship success. So a lot of the things that people think matter more than they do include things like looks and money. So of course looks matter. We just talked about lust. You want to feel attracted to the person, but I wouldn't give anyone the advice of try to date or marry the hottest person that you've ever met or the person maybe who you've had the hottest sex within your life because like many things in life, our brains adapt to them over time. And so if you think about some of the most beautiful celebrities in the world, there are often people kind of known to humanity who have cheated on them. And so it's like if even these people that are considered the most attractive by cultural standards are being cheated on, there's this idea that people adapt over time to somebody's looks. And even if someone's really”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Are around them, they feel like they are also having an experience. They're not just exchanging information. And so I think if we think that a first date is really about, I need to leave and know your biography, that's not really fun for either person. If it instead shifts to what I was talking about, our first date is about seeing how does it feel to be around the person, what side of me do they bring out, those dates end up being so much more successful. Because even if they don't lead to a relationship, they lead to you knowing how would it feel to be with this person.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Yeah, you know, I will even push on that question and say, I don't think it's about information gathering. Imagine that you spend 50 years with someone. The day that you meet is 0.0055% of your total time with them. And so it's not about gathering information. It's about having an experience with them. So one thing that I've done through my research is look at people who are consistently getting asked on second or third dates. Look at people who People really are drawn to. And when I talk to these people, it's not what you might think. They're the tallest people. They're the hottest people. It's often that they're very fun. They meet up with you on a date and they tell you a funny story or they have a silly interaction with the bartender or they tell you about what happened at work that day and the funny situation that they got into. There's something about them that's very vibrant and lively.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Course, something that you should look for in a relationship, but it's slightly different from the SPARC, which is this overall feeling of like when I meet someone, I want to be around them more and more. And the big message I'm trying to get across here is that that feeling of chemistry can grow over time”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“I've thought about this a lot because when you write a book, you're writing it alone. Maybe a few people read it and your editor reads it. And then when it's out into the world, you really get to see what takes off with people. And so I would say a few things have taken off, and one of them is this concept of fuck the spark. And so people have really strong reactions when I say that because they feel like, oh, Logan's telling me I shouldn't be attracted to the person or it doesn't matter. Logan's telling me to settle. Wait, I said fuck the spark and then I met someone I wasn't interested in and I dated them for six months and it didn't work out. And so I really want to talk about what the spark is. The spark is a huge emphasis on instant chemistry and instant connection versus allowing it to grow over time. I would say that lust is about attraction and a lot of times, you know, I want to have sex with this person. I hope this person wants to have sex with me. And I think being sexually attracted to someone is a”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“And what an incredible connection you had. And in that moment, you're not thinking height first, you're thinking connection first. And I really want people to change their framework and to understand, yes, the filters exist, but you are filtering out so many great potential connections. Why not date like a scientist, see if these things that you think are deal breakers are really deal breakers when most of the time they're not and move them to the pet peeves or nice to have column?”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“The height thing is really interesting. So, I would say over the last few years, the posts of mine that have gone the most viral are reels where I've posted about this stat. Because in the comments, you have a lot of women saying, well, guys lie about their height anyway. And then guys say things like, yeah, you should change the height filter. And then women say, well, you filter based on weight. And so anyway, it's just really interesting to see how much this bothers people. And I wish that I could kind of shout from the rooftops to everyone and say imagine that you were in a bar and you were sitting next to somebody and you were both sitting on stools and you have a 45 minute conversation that is incredible. It's deep. It's soulful. It's mind-blowing. And at the end of the day, the guy stands up and he's 5'7". Are you telling me that you're not giving him your number now? No, of course you're going to give him your number because you just saw who this person was.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“So now you are eliminating 86% of the male population. You've been actively dating for 12 years. This has not worked out for you so far. Why don't you change your filter on the dating apps, be willing to date somebody who's shorter, and see maybe what you actually care about is somebody who's confident where your height doesn't feel like a factor. Maybe you'll end up with somebody a lot shorter than you, and this is what happened to a man and a woman that I know because it's not about how tall the guy is, it's about how they make you feel. And so her dating like a scientist moment would be changing her filters on the app, dating some men who are shorter, seeing if she can feel attracted to them and attractive with them, and then understanding it wasn't height that was the deal breaker. It was confidence or how attracted she was to them and how attractive they made her.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Loosely working around this. Yeah, so I would say a majority of my clients at this point are sort of more powerful male CEOs. And I feel like it is interesting to just hear, you know, women are excited about what they have access to, but then they may not understand that this person works 18 hours a day or that maybe this person has a chip on their shoulder because when they weren't successful, they felt like they didn't get a lot of attention. And so I feel like the unique problems of that situation are something that I've dealt with. So just breaking down date like a scientist. When I work with people in my coaching, in my courses, people walk in with assumptions of what they need. So it might be, I need to date somebody who's six feet or taller because I'm a taller woman and that's what makes me feel feminine. So then I might say to them, hey, in the United States, only 14% of men are”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“I made changes so that in the future when I had an intro like that, I was clearer with the person introducing us what our goals were, things like that. Or I find that if I'm really tired and I push myself to go to an event, I may not have a good time there because I don't have energy to give. And so I think for everyone, being more in touch with who you are, how you show up in different situations, what personality traits trigger you to feel more anxious or insecure, all of that is data that just helps you be a happier person. And so something that I really promote people do is date like a scientist, which is this idea of have hypotheses. So a hypothesis could be, I need to date somebody with a graduate degree, but then test that hypothesis. Maybe what you actually care about is intellectual curiosity. And somebody who listens to the knowledge project, not somebody who has a massive”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“I mean, my cheeky answer would be it's my job as your dating coach to tell you that. But no, I think that in life it really is great to dig into things like that. So it might be. I'm just remembering this story where, like, early on when I shifted into doing the dating and relationship stuff, I met up with this guy and I thought it was like a peer-to-peer conversation. And when I got there, he kind of leaned back and said, so what can I do for you? And it was like that one statement kind of created a power dynamic, which was like, I have power and I can help you. And I remember it really threw me off. And so when I went home and I didn't feel good and I reflected on it, I was like, oh, like maybe our expectations weren't the same going in into it or the person who did the intro didn't set us up for success. And so”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Biographical data to decide if you want to go out with someone or not. But once you're on that date, it's really about paying attention to who am I around them.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“But in that moment, I understood I don't really enjoy being around this person because she brings out a side of me that's insecure. Then I think about my friend Michaela, who's one of my favorite people in the world. When I'm around her, she laughs a lot. She makes me feel hilarious. We want to stay up all night talking because she makes me feel creative and generative. And so I really will do whatever I can to be in the same room as her because she brings out a side of myself that I love. And so when people are dating, especially as they get older, their checklist of what they think they need get longer and longer. So that checklist might look like must be financially independent, must own their own home, must be this tall, must want exactly this lifestyle. And so when they go into that date, they are really looking at those things, which are often who that person is on paper. And then they ignore how they feel around that person. Because sure, you need some basic”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Yeah, I'm glad that you're double clicking into that because it's really something that I think about in a lot of areas of my life. So when I was just making this career shift into the work that I do now, I met with a lot of different people to learn from them. And I'm not going to say her name, but there was one person in particular that whenever I met with her, I would just come home and sort of collapse into the couch and want to watch TV for the next few hours. I was like, what's going on with me? And I was like, there's something about the way that she communicates that makes me feel really small and anxious and like I don't know what I'm doing and not good enough. There was just something about the words that she used or the questions that she was asking. And so that's a platonic situation or, you know, it's about”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“And so the post 8 is a great way to see if it was really a dud and you were 0% interested, forget it. Don't go on the second date. But if there was maybe not the most charisma that you've ever encountered or there's been people that you've been more attracted to in the past, it's fine to acknowledge that, but to think there was a seed of something that was planted that I'd like to give another chance to. And so the post-88 is a great way to see when there's potential and to really spot those slow burn people.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“And instead of thinking about it as make the second date the default, my go to advice here is really to do the post date. So the post date eight is a series of questions that I came up with for a client who was having a hard time deciding if she wanted to see someone again and also somebody who was having a hard time spotting the slow burn. So when you finish the date, you look at this, you can have a screenshot on your phone or memorize the questions and they ask you things like how did I feel in my body during the date? Did I feel stiff? Did I feel relaxed? Did this person make me laugh? Did this person make me feel heard? Did I feel curious about the person? And probably the most important one, what side of me did they bring out? Because whatever side of you you are with that person is who you'll be for a big majority of your life if you end up with that person.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source
“Yeah, so when I wrote my book, I have a chapter called Make the Second Date the Default. And this was influenced by one of my mentors, Dan Arielli. And the idea here was that if you go on a first date and you think about it as I'm going to be evaluating you the whole time and you're going to either win a second date or not, it puts you in this evaluative mindset. Instead, I want people to be in this experiential mindset where they're asking themselves how the moment feels for them if they're connecting with the person. And so in the book, I say, assume that every first date you go on, you'll go on a second date, and that will help you identify the slow burns more and to really take the pressure off the first date. Well, since the book has come out, I feel like that advice is not that realistic. People are busy. People sometimes feel like I had no connection with that person. I'm not going to go on a second date with them. So I have changed my advice since the book came out.”
2025-03-18 · The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish · Logan Ury: The Dating Myths You Need to Stop Believing · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source