YouSaid · the spoken record

James Sexton

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294
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2023-09-18
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2023-09-18
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  1. “Rout People weaponize children all the time, and they do it with the permission of their own conscience because they genuinely believe I'm going to protect this person, this child from this person who, by the way, is a bad spouse. That doesn't mean they were a bad father or bad mother. You can be bad at being a spouse, but the skill set of a spouse and of a parent, it's not necessarily the same. And I've seen, you know, people... People alienate children from a parent in such subtle ways, but they're so powerful. And as a lawyer, it doesn't matter what I know, it matters what I can prove. And it's very hard to prove alienation. Because it's usually a very subtle process. And the example I always give to people is it's a rare kind of crazy person that will say to a seven-year-old, your dad is a bad person. It's”

    2023-09-18 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #396 – James Sexton: Divorce Lawyer on Marriage, Relationships, Sex, Lies & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  2. “With like the level of vitriol that you will harm your child rather than do something nice for them. I don't have a solution. And I see that all the time. Like parental alienation is a thing. It is a thing. Like children can be weaponized. Like I always tell people, you want to get married, get married. Get a prenup ideally, but if you don't have a prenup, okay, you're just risking money. Don't worry. You're just risking money. Money and hassle of paperwork and of time and of going through an ugly financial divorce. But you have a kid with somebody? That is a missile. Like that person has a power over you for a long time, if not forever.”

    2023-09-18 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #396 – James Sexton: Divorce Lawyer on Marriage, Relationships, Sex, Lies & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  3. “The level of hatred, the level of vitriol that they, like I maybe this is me. If you apologize, There's not a lot I won't forgive. Like, I'm not saying I'll forget it. I'm not saying, oh, we're totally good like it never happened. I understand that. But if someone says what I call a non-bullshit apology, right? Like a bullshit apology is, oh, I'm sorry you got so upset when I did that. That's a bullshit apology. I'm sorry that you were offended. That's a bullshit apology. Or I'm sorry for what I did. Because what are we talking about? We might not be talking about the same thing. Or you might be saying, I'm sorry that you found out about that, not that you did it. So a real apology is I lied to you and I realized that that hurt you. And I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I regret that I did that. And I know that it hurt you and I'm really sorry. That's a real apology. Someone's willing to give you that and you still want to walk around.”

    2023-09-18 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #396 – James Sexton: Divorce Lawyer on Marriage, Relationships, Sex, Lies & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  4. “Provision to ensure that the child is not embarrassed and feels that they were able to say, I cannot tell you how many people refuse to sign that, how many lawyers said to me, we're taking that out. And I went, wait, why? Why does my client have to buy a present for your client? I said, they're not buying a present for my client. They're buying a present for the child to give to my client. It can be one of those little $3 boxes of chocolates. They sell at the drugstore. Like it's a kid, they don't know, they don't know what anything is. And people, nope. And I have to tell you, of the conundrums of the puzzles that I can't figure out in existence. That's when I can't figure out. I do not understand why that's so hard.”

    2023-09-18 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #396 – James Sexton: Divorce Lawyer on Marriage, Relationships, Sex, Lies & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  5. “But they're old enough to know that you get presents on Christmas and you give presents on Christmas. But they're not old enough to buy one. For the Someone has to do that for them. So I thought, I'm going to put in a provision that says that as long as the children are so young that they can't independently purchase a mother's day or a birthday present for the co-parent, that you'll take the children either to buy a small gift or to make a card or something like that. This struck me as a no-brainer. Who could disagree with this? It's not for the person. It's for the kid. It's so the kid happy birthday, mom. I don't have a present for you. I don't have a card for you because I'm fucking five. Like I'm five. Like, like you can't go do that. So wouldn't you want your child, not your co-parent? Who cares? Maybe you want them to have the worst birthday ever. Fine, but you don't want your child to be embarrassed. And I even put in the provision. The parties acknowledge that it is the intention of this.”

    2023-09-18 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #396 – James Sexton: Divorce Lawyer on Marriage, Relationships, Sex, Lies & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  6. “The competitors bled. So I really think divorce lawyers, we have that same kind of relationship. Like we went through this stress on opposite sides trying to take each other apart. I find that, you know, We all steal from each other's material when it comes to separation agreements, provisions that we use for agreements. Like all the agreements are like these Frankenstein monsters of, oh, I like his estate planning provisions. Oh, I like her provisions related to maintaining a life insurance policy to secure the Alimony Award. And I wrote this paragraph or this select this section because what occurred to me is that when you have a child with someone, and let's say they're three or four or five, they're old enough to know what Christmas is, but they're not old enough to go buy a Christmas present.”

    2023-09-18 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #396 – James Sexton: Divorce Lawyer on Marriage, Relationships, Sex, Lies & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  7. “Some years ago, like we all steal from each other's work, divorce lawyers. Like where we're like the matrimonial mafia. Like we all know each other. We all deal with each other over and over again. But we all have the same job. And so we're the only people that really know the unique stresses of that job. So even though we try to kill each other all day, it's like boxer, like professional fighters. Like, yeah, your job is to take each other's head off, but like nobody knows what the two of you went through, like the two of you. You know, that's why I always get like I go like all kinds of rubbery when I see after the fight, like the two people hug each other. I'm always like, yeah, because you know what? They relate to each other better than anybody, they suffered, they bled.”

    2023-09-18 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #396 – James Sexton: Divorce Lawyer on Marriage, Relationships, Sex, Lies & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  8. “I don't understand why it's so hard for some people. I'll tell you, I do find that hard. There's not a lot of things that I kind of don't understand, but that's one that I kind of don't understand. Like, I put in. One of the weird things I did as a divorce lawyer. Caused like a little stir among my colleagues for a few years.”

    2023-09-18 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #396 – James Sexton: Divorce Lawyer on Marriage, Relationships, Sex, Lies & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  9. “I have told my now longtime ex wife, Happy Mother's Day. I'm so glad that we had kids together. I'm so glad you're the mother of my kids because they wouldn't be who they are if it wasn't that they were part me and part you. And I'm so grateful for you. And I'm always cheering for you. Like, how hard is that? How hard is that?”

    2023-09-18 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #396 – James Sexton: Divorce Lawyer on Marriage, Relationships, Sex, Lies & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  10. “Got a four year old, they're getting divorced, let's say, there's going to be a wedding. Like 20 something years. There's going to be a wedding Either going to be the wedding where they got to put these people on opposite sides of the room because if they pass each other by the shrimp boat, they're going to kill each other. Or it's the wedding where, like, you stand there, you take some pictures, you kind of go like, yeah, we fucked up this whole marriage thing, but man, we did a good job with this kid, didn't we? You know? And the decisions you make right now, there's a straight line to that wedding. And so even if you don't like this person, even if you're mad at them, even if you're mad at yourself for the choices you made in choosing them as a co-parent, like every single Mother's Day for 27 years.”

    2023-09-18 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #396 – James Sexton: Divorce Lawyer on Marriage, Relationships, Sex, Lies & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  11. “If the person approaches the argument from the point of view of like I'm not gonna argue with you, like I'm gonna absorb your aggression, I'm gonna just not meet it with that. I'm gonna meet it with love. I'm gonna meet it with positivity. It doesn't always work. Sometimes people are so angry that they just, they're relentless. But I have to tell you, like the louder you get, the quieter I get, the more you seem irrational. And that's... I always try to bring that to court proceedings. Like, I always try to bring to court. If I know my adversary is coming in hard, I'll come in quiet and slow and deliberate because I want the volume to be turned up way too high over there. And then it looks like what it, Your Honor, what's their problem over there, you know? And I think that I say this to clients.”

    2023-09-18 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #396 – James Sexton: Divorce Lawyer on Marriage, Relationships, Sex, Lies & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  12. “And I said to her, like, was that just goodwill? Like, you're just a good person? Or, like, what was that about? And she was like, yeah, it was partly that, but she was like, it was partly that you never screwed around with me when it came to money. Like if the kids needed something or if I needed something as the mother of the kids, like you were always like, yeah, sure, of course. Like her air conditioning kicked out and she needed to replace it and she didn't have like liquidity at the time. I didn't have a lot of money at the time because it was a long time ago. And I was like, all right, no, no, because I don't want you hot and upset and I don't want the boys, you know, to be in like, of course. And so I think, yeah, when you approach a conflict with, like, it's very hard to argue with someone who won't argue with you.”

    2023-09-18 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #396 – James Sexton: Divorce Lawyer on Marriage, Relationships, Sex, Lies & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  13. “We were able to sort of postgame that relationship, even our co parenting relationship. We kind of postgame it when we chat with each other. And I remember once saying to her, yeah, you never screwed around with me when it came to the kids. Like you were always so cool, you know? Like if I called you, like if I was having a really bad day at work or like seeing just an ugly custody case and like I just felt like I would call her and say like, hey, can I just pick the boys up and like take them out for ice cream or something tonight? I know it's not my night, but would you mind if I just like took them out for a couple hours? She'd be like, yeah, sure, come on by. She was always flexible like that.”

    2023-09-18 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #396 – James Sexton: Divorce Lawyer on Marriage, Relationships, Sex, Lies & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  14. “I've had clients who with a straight face will say to me, Well, I'm not going to quibble over a few million dollars. And they mean it. Because to them, it's numbers on a page. So I'll personalize this a bit. I have a friendly relationship with my ex wife, who's the mother of my sons, who are adults. And we have maintained a very good relationship. And so now it's many years divorced later, 17, 18 years later.”

    2023-09-18 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #396 – James Sexton: Divorce Lawyer on Marriage, Relationships, Sex, Lies & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  15. “I have the least expensive divorce I've ever seen is two people who, one of whom comes into my office and says, we've written down on a yellow pad what we figured out at the kitchen table. She's going to keep the house. I'm going to keep the 401k. We have a bank account at this bank. We're going to split that 50-50. I'm going to pay her this much in child support each month. And we're going to agree from time to time on what we're going to do in terms of the schedule with the kids, but they're primarily going to live with her. Can you write this up and make it legally binding? Yes. $3,500.”

    2023-09-18 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #396 – James Sexton: Divorce Lawyer on Marriage, Relationships, Sex, Lies & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  16. “Great question. Average divorce, it's sort of like a what I always tell clients in the first consultation is I tell them the most reasonable question a person could ask me sitting in that chair across from me is two, how long is this going to take and how much is it going to cost? And those are two questions I can't answer. And then the next thing they say is give me a range. Which is a bit like calling your doctor and saying I have a headache what is it Well, I can't tell you. I'd have to do tests Give me a range. Okay It's a reaction to the barometric pressure, and it'll be gone in 15 minutes, or it's a brain aneurysm, and you'll be dead in five minutes. There's your And so it didn't really help, right? So I.”

    2023-09-18 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #396 – James Sexton: Divorce Lawyer on Marriage, Relationships, Sex, Lies & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  17. “You know, you can hire the best doctor, but you can't cure cancer because you have a lot of money. Like you can hire the best lawyer, but you can't cure a custody case, you know. And that's, I mean, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's seemingly endless custody disputes that have been going on for years now with the best lawyers in California working on them is proof of the fact that you can't just buy a resolution to those things, you know, that you have to go through it just like everyone else.”

    2023-09-18 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #396 – James Sexton: Divorce Lawyer on Marriage, Relationships, Sex, Lies & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  18. “Know most of the high performing people I know are creatures of discipline and routine, you know, from a Joe Rogan, you know, we've talked about any of these people, like they have a routine. They have a discipline, they have a focus, they have a way they like to do things, they have a type of coffee, they like to drink, they have a way that they like to do. And divorce is a tremendous disruption. I mean, divorce is fundamental things in your life are shifted out of your control. Like your spouse may be the one who has decided you are no longer going to live in that house. You will no longer see your children on these days. So to take that control away from someone is very, very hard. I mean, when someone is a high performing, high net worth person, they are used to being told yes. They are used to being able to buy their way out of a problem. But just like illness.”

    2023-09-18 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #396 – James Sexton: Divorce Lawyer on Marriage, Relationships, Sex, Lies & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  19. “And fame, because I've represented famous people that actually did not have that much money in the scheme of things or much liquidity. And I've represented people that were not in any way famous and were very high performing in their field. Like in New York, we have a lot of finance people. And what I find is their divorces are challenging. One on a technical level because figuring out what they have and how to divide it is tricky. Because when something's moving that quickly, like when your portfolio's movement affects a market, that's challenging. Jeff Bezos' divorce for a time when it was in its early stages could affect Amazon stock. It did. So that's a real thing. There are businesses that are affected by a divorce. In terms of being in a relationship with someone who Who is a high performing person?”

    2023-09-18 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #396 – James Sexton: Divorce Lawyer on Marriage, Relationships, Sex, Lies & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  20. “Well You know, I think when you represent High net worth individuals, but also high performing. I would make a distinction between high net worth and high performing. So I've done high net worth divorces where the person's like a trust fund kid. Even though they're an adult, but they're like what they did to achieve their high net worth status is their great-grandfather died. So that is different than someone who is self-made, who through discipline, focus, entrepreneurship, whatever it might be that they have found success. And there's also difference between financial success.”

    2023-09-18 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #396 – James Sexton: Divorce Lawyer on Marriage, Relationships, Sex, Lies & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  21. “Professions that enable us to use that sensitivity, that empathy in a productive and good way and in a fulfilling, a personally fulfilling way, and ideally in a way that does good for other people.”

    2023-09-18 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #396 – James Sexton: Divorce Lawyer on Marriage, Relationships, Sex, Lies & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  22. “And the song stop this uniform and leave the show. Like you just, when you feel all of it, the army of hammers coming at you, the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, the thousand natural shocks the flesh is there too. When you feel all of that deeply, you know, it's very hard, but it can also be a superpower because I think when you can bring that to a relationship, when you can bring that to a profession like you've done and I've done. Then there's something very magical about that. The ability to bring it out in someone, to feel it in yourself, to understand it is a gift. It's a wonderful, wonderful gift. I'm humbled by. What it brought me professionally. And I'd like to think that you and I have both found”

    2023-09-18 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #396 – James Sexton: Divorce Lawyer on Marriage, Relationships, Sex, Lies & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  23. “You go through like stages, and one of them is that I don't care, I don't feel anything. It doesn't matter, I don't feel anything, I don't feel anything, I won't feel anything. You try to convince yourself I don't feel anything, it's fine, I don't feel anything. And then at some point, you do feel all of it. And then it's like, oh my God, the weight of this is crazy. I mean, I think it's the whole arc of Pink Floyd the Wall. It's literally the entire arc of Pink Floyd the Wall.”

    2023-09-18 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #396 – James Sexton: Divorce Lawyer on Marriage, Relationships, Sex, Lies & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  24. “I mean, my theory on this. I think I'm like you. That way, I think I. I'm very sensitive. I feel things really deeply, you know. And I think that's a terrif, the world is terrifying when you feel things very deeply because there's so much pain, there's so much betrayal, there's so many opportunities to be hurt, you know. And I think when you are that kind of person.”

    2023-09-18 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #396 – James Sexton: Divorce Lawyer on Marriage, Relationships, Sex, Lies & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  25. “Yeah, to murder. Yeah, I try to go two directions. Well, I have to tell you, I define the Ben Affleck movie, The Town. You know, that same friendship to me. I mean, to me, the ideal male friendship is the scene where he says, I need you to come with me. We're going to hurt some people and you never have to ask me about it again. And he says, Whose car are we taking? And that's sort of like to me, that's friendship. So it's a high bar to be like a friend. So when you say friendship, I think that's the kind of friendship you should ideally have with your romantic partner. If you're getting married, it should be the like, whose car are we taking? Like it should be that it's you and me.”

    2023-09-18 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #396 – James Sexton: Divorce Lawyer on Marriage, Relationships, Sex, Lies & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  26. “Depends on how you define friend. If being a friend means we have some connection to each other and we have each other's cell phone numbers, okay, then we're friends. But if it's a bigger definition than that, if it's like you've picked me up at the airport, you know, or like you're someone I could call that it's like, dude, I got to hide a body. Like you get shovel and lime”

    2023-09-18 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #396 – James Sexton: Divorce Lawyer on Marriage, Relationships, Sex, Lies & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  27. “And he likes to kiss her, and then he goes. Know if he goes like, yeah, you're right, I'll just stay here. It's cool, you know, like this is, I didn't want to deal with that anyway. Like, he's not the hero anymore then.”

    2023-09-18 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #396 – James Sexton: Divorce Lawyer on Marriage, Relationships, Sex, Lies & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  28. “I mean, it can also be incredibly adventurous. Out into the world by yourself, and then coming back to the Wii with a full report. Know coming back and saying, like, Guess what I saw? Guess what I did? Oh my god, we have to go there together now because all I could think about was you. Know while I was there, I was like, Oh my god, she would love this. That's magical. Amazing, like I look what I brought you back. You know, I went in for this, and then I got you this present from there. Like, there's something, you know, and we know this, you know, I always thought it was, you know, like when you watch the old Westerns, you know, or like the, you know, the heroes leaving, you know, and he's walking away from the cabin because he's going to go fight the gunfight and she runs up and she goes, Please don't go. Don't go. Stay here with me.”

    2023-09-18 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #396 – James Sexton: Divorce Lawyer on Marriage, Relationships, Sex, Lies & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  29. “The we is the you and the me. And if you mix it so much that you and me loses its components that all that's left is we, like I don't think that that's the way to do it. The world pulls us in that direction. Like, we get told culturally that, well, why aren't you going with this person to that? Why would you do that by yourself? And why? Like anyone knows that there's joy in being away from each other and there's joy being reunited together. So why don't we speak very honestly about that? And I think some of that's our own insecurity. Why don't you want to be with me 24 hours a day? Aren't I wonderful orn't I delightful? It's like, well, wait, what?”

    2023-09-18 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #396 – James Sexton: Divorce Lawyer on Marriage, Relationships, Sex, Lies & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  30. “And now there's you, and there's me, and there's we. And then the we gets bigger and bigger and bigger. And isn't it great? Because it's such a nice warm place. It gets so big. But it gets so big that you get small and me get small because we. And if any of us dares to ask, well, what about you? What about me? No, no, no, the we, what you don't like the we? You don't want to be with the we? Whoa, whoa, it's not that the we only exists because there was you and there was me. And I really like you and you really liked me. And so we picked each other out of lots of choices. And now this we is so fucking big like it threatens to just consume all of it. I really think that There's something there we have to look at more honestly.”

    2023-09-18 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #396 – James Sexton: Divorce Lawyer on Marriage, Relationships, Sex, Lies & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  31. “Joyful to be with you. Or you can have me for eight hours where I'm sort of half paying attention and I kind of want to be someplace else for part of the time. There's just no choice there. It's so obvious. So I think presence is a big piece. And I think that You, the me, and the we, I think, is important. Because I think in relationships, there's you and there's me, and we meet. Something magical happens, you know? We become”

    2023-09-18 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #396 – James Sexton: Divorce Lawyer on Marriage, Relationships, Sex, Lies & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  32. “My mom used to say that it's hard to define intelligence, but you could spot stupid a mile away So, I'm much better at pointing out where people fall apart because I spend a lot of time with people who have fallen apart in their relationship. So it's easy to then say, well, just don't do what they do. But I don't know that that's not an oversimplification. So again, I think the answer is connection. I think the answer is Affection Presence, you know, mindfulness and presence. I do think. In my personal and professional experience. That most people want you fully. More than they just want you in a disconnected way. So if you were to say to your romantic partner, you can have me for two hours where I'm giving you my undivided attention. And I'm really”

    2023-09-18 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #396 – James Sexton: Divorce Lawyer on Marriage, Relationships, Sex, Lies & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  33. “Much as I do, and I didn't have any of the responsibilities of kids, and I could just have all of the wonderful fun that you can have when you don't have the responsibilities that come with full-time caring for children.”

    2023-09-18 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #396 – James Sexton: Divorce Lawyer on Marriage, Relationships, Sex, Lies & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  34. “My words of wisdom is not don't get a nanny or make sure you get an ugly nanny. My thought on it is that a woman should remember even when she's a mother, that she's also a woman who a man, you know, they fell in love with each other. And she should take time to be in touch with the part of herself that is an independent woman that's interesting and interested. And there's a lot to be learned from divorce couples because divorced couples, if you do it right, it's awesome. I had a wonderful experience parenting and being divorced because I divorced when my kids were quite young. My co-parent, you know, my ex-wife is awesome. She's a great mom, nice person. We're good friends. And it was great. I had half the time I had my kids and I could focus on them. And the other half of the time they were with the other person who loves them as.”

    2023-09-18 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #396 – James Sexton: Divorce Lawyer on Marriage, Relationships, Sex, Lies & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  35. “Now he's, yeah, well, now he's got to see the nanny who's now the step parent to the kids. And it was his bright idea of let's have a threesome with the nanny. Know, yeah, I mean, the nanny thing I think is a function of in many circumstances is the characteristics of the wife that He remembers fondly And that have been extinguished by the presence of children.”

    2023-09-18 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #396 – James Sexton: Divorce Lawyer on Marriage, Relationships, Sex, Lies & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  36. “Everybody's fucking the nanny. Yeah, it was a nanny fascination out there. I try to explain it in the book, but yeah, I mean, I've had some great nanny stories. I mean, people run off with the nanny. People end up getting married to the nanny. I had one where he convinced her that they should have a threesome with the nanny. They got the nanny drunk. They had a bunch of threesomes with the nanny. And then the nanny and the wife. Tired up and left him”

    2023-09-18 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #396 – James Sexton: Divorce Lawyer on Marriage, Relationships, Sex, Lies & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  37. “So, you know, the truth is, people want to hear about those flame outs. And by the way, those are super interesting as a lawyer. Like it's super interesting.”

    2023-09-18 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #396 – James Sexton: Divorce Lawyer on Marriage, Relationships, Sex, Lies & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  38. “Oh my god, you must have stories. That's the way everybody says, Oh my God, you must have so many stories. And if I said, yeah, there was this couple and they slowly grew apart and then they decided that it would be good for them to end their relationship as a married couple, but they wanted to continue to have an amicable co-parenting relationship. So they divided their assets and they figured out a good parenting access schedule that made sure that they both had both leisure time and responsibilities with the children. People would be like, that's the worst fucking story. That's so boring. So, what they really want is the like, and then he was sleeping with the nanny, and then she caught it”

    2023-09-18 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #396 – James Sexton: Divorce Lawyer on Marriage, Relationships, Sex, Lies & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  39. “On looking at things in a different way, looking at their parenting in a different way. We're not going to live in the same house anymore, but we're still going to parent these child or these children together. What's much more interesting, because like, you know, I don't get invited to a lot of parties, but when I get invited to parties, if somebody says, what do you do for a living? And I say, I'm a divorce lawyer.”

    2023-09-18 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #396 – James Sexton: Divorce Lawyer on Marriage, Relationships, Sex, Lies & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  40. “But there's also a logic that you can then say right, but then you're doing all the heavy lifting of parenting, and he's doing none of that. And you were a married couple and living together. So he was trusting you to do that because you're good at it and you seem to like it. So maybe now we want him to have to do some of the heavy lifting of parenting because we don't want the child when they're 13 to say, I love dad. We have nothing but a good time together, whereas you make me do my homework and eat my broccoli. Dad's the grass on the other side of the fence that's greener. So sometimes it's about educating a client to like change their frame, you know, to look at this differently. Yeah, okay, we always go to my mother's for Thanksgiving, so I need everything Thanksgiving. Okay, well, you were married. So you went to, now you're going to have new traditions. Things are changing for your children. Things are changing for your family. You're both going to have new traditions. So a lot of times it's just educating people.”

    2023-09-18 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #396 – James Sexton: Divorce Lawyer on Marriage, Relationships, Sex, Lies & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  41. “And so, most custody cases are just that. Most custody cases are just a discussion, a negotiation between counsel about those issues. And they're not ugly and they're not anything. They're just people. Again, sometimes people have differing perspectives. But sometimes people haven't thought through their perspective. So as a divorce lawyer, a lot of what I'm doing is counseling a person because they come in and say, well, I've been the person who handles all of the homework and all of the everything. So he should only see the kids on weekends. And there's a logic to that. Like, I've always done the homework with the kids, so I'm the parent who's in charge of the homework. And he's obviously not done that before.”

    2023-09-18 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #396 – James Sexton: Divorce Lawyer on Marriage, Relationships, Sex, Lies & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  42. “Well, most the overwhelming majority of custody cases Don't end up in my office. They are a negotiation between two people that love their children more than they dislike their soon to be ex. So, the overwhelming majority of cases are just two people going, okay, how are we going to make decisions together? Because there are decisions that have to be made about kids. Will they go to public or private school? Can they go on medication if they need it or not? Should we change pediatricians, you know, all those kinds of things? How do we make decisions? And when will we each spend time with the kids?”

    2023-09-18 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #396 – James Sexton: Divorce Lawyer on Marriage, Relationships, Sex, Lies & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  43. “Yeah, there is because there's lots of kinds of judges. Like, there's judges that are thoughtful, enlightened, interested in the mental health research. And there's judges that just want were unsuccessful lawyers that were good politically and got elected and they just want to, you know, they just want a job where like they show up at 9 o'clock, they have a lunch break from 12 until two o'clock and that they leave at 4.30 and they get a certain number of weeks vacation and a pension after 20 years.”

    2023-09-18 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #396 – James Sexton: Divorce Lawyer on Marriage, Relationships, Sex, Lies & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  44. “Under my skin is under my sovereignty. I mean, you can't suggest that there isn't in the world a suggestion that a mother who births a child and feeds a child with her body doesn't have a particular bond with a child that's different than a father's bond with a child. Where do we put that? How much importance do we put on it? Now that there's better and more research in the mental health field about attachment theory and infants, there's also a lot of research on how is attachment formed, how should parenting schedules be put together based on attachment theory. But there's conflicting perspectives on that.”

    2023-09-18 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #396 – James Sexton: Divorce Lawyer on Marriage, Relationships, Sex, Lies & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  45. “Well, there was, I mean, it was real. It was the law. There was something in the law called the maternal presumption. It was also known as the tender years doctrine, which meant that a child under the age of seven was presumed to be in the custody of the mother. Unless you could show she was an unfit mother. So that's where the idea of like someone has to be proven an unfit mother came from. Now, in the 80s, 1980s. Was changed. But, you know”

    2023-09-18 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #396 – James Sexton: Divorce Lawyer on Marriage, Relationships, Sex, Lies & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  46. “So craziest? Gosh, that's a great question. So from a chaos standpoint, I mean, I see so many bizarre fact patterns and so many variations of people cheating with people, people sleeping with the nanny, people sleeping with someone's relative of their spouse, people having same sex or polyamorous relationships and the other person doesn't even know they're not monogamous. So much craziness that you could fill 15 books. In terms of complexity, I mean, emotionally complex is any custody case is emotionally complex because you're dealing with parenting issues. And what makes a good parent, I think, is a very tricky question because I'm trying to convince a judge who's a better parent. And that is so loaded with subjective, you know, Value judgments”

    2023-09-18 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #396 – James Sexton: Divorce Lawyer on Marriage, Relationships, Sex, Lies & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  47. “Which is hard because we don't even, I don't know that we even feel comfortable diving into the full range of ourselves. You know, there's pieces of ourselves we try to push away or not think about.”

    2023-09-18 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #396 – James Sexton: Divorce Lawyer on Marriage, Relationships, Sex, Lies & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  48. “Ever do this again because I'll never love that way again. I'll never love a dog the way I love this dog. And it's just not true. That's just not true. You have this infinite capacity. And that makes it scary, actually, because right now, there are so many people you could love. There's so many dogs you could love. Like there's so much out there. It requires a certain bravery and tremendous amount of risk to do it, you know.”

    2023-09-18 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #396 – James Sexton: Divorce Lawyer on Marriage, Relationships, Sex, Lies & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  49. “Dogs are for me a great example. And again, I don't know what it all means, right, existentially, but I just feel like that kind of love has to be here to teach us something. And I feel like the fact that they're so amazing and just so loving and so wonderful and the bond we feel is so amazing and deep and doesn't require a lot of maintenance. And yet it's so finite. Like it's just this short little lifespan. And I feel like there's just such a lesson there, you know, there's so much there to unpack about the nature of connection and loss. And, you know, that your heart has this infinite capacity. Like when you're, I'm telling you, when my dog died, when Buster died, I remember thinking with certainty, I will never”

    2023-09-18 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #396 – James Sexton: Divorce Lawyer on Marriage, Relationships, Sex, Lies & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source

  50. “Well, the opposite of love isn't hate. The opposite of love is There's no question about that. I mean, hate is a passionate emotion, love is a passionate emotion. And there is a school of thought that says that only unfulfilled love can be truly romantic. But I believe that It's what I think I learned from Hospice is that I think For me, knowing the impermanence is the thing. You know, it's the key.”

    2023-09-18 · Lex Fridman Podcast · #396 – James Sexton: Divorce Lawyer on Marriage, Relationships, Sex, Lies & Love · IDENTIFIED FROM THE TRANSCRIPT · source